Original subtitles

Harry, pour wine.

She was a saint, you know. I do know.

And a wonderful mother. Yes.

And now she's up there.

I know. We're not going to shift her until the funeral.

Did she suffer much?

All her life.

She never got over me marrying an American.

Oh, was that what he was?

During the war, I was a G .I. bride.

My mother hated them all.

Said it was bad enough having to chew their gum without bearing their

On me wedding day, she said, Doris, this'll kill me.

And sure enough, in 27 short years, off she went.

Couldn't stand him, could she? Well, you can't blame her. Not that he ever

suspected. She never uttered an unkind word to him.

That's true. She never spoke to me.

She was like that.

I think it was the blockage that killed her in the long run. In her pipes, you

mean.

Well, they're really his pipes, him being the ratepayer.

She had a blockage in his pipe.

Look, you know that peculiar friend of his, Sidney?

Well, whenever he came here, he'd use our love.

She? Yes.

And he'd always take an orange in with him to pass the time.

Well, one day, we got stopped up and had to call the plumber.

You don't mean... I do mean...

Unpeeled. Didn't even skin them.

Me poor mother never got over it.

Dozens of jaffas down our love.

One of them was a mandarin. Oh, it did give her a nasty turn.

Well, at least it wasn't a banana.

From then on, she went downhill.

Where are you going?

Oh, well, I thought I might just nip out for a breath of air. Out? Tonight?

Don't let him. Don't let him. My poor mother would like a breath of air, too.

You don't want me to take her with me, do you?

You are not going out. Well, I could open her window. Sit down. Look, you've

consideration whatsoever. Oh, no, all right, all right. Calm down.

Don't get upset. He's not worth it. Now he's given me a headache. Oh, here, have

one of my tablets. It'll calm you down.

Mum!

Oh.

Can I go out to the disco?

No, you can't. If I... can't go out. You can't go out. Of course she can. Don't

you tell the child what she can't do.

Your gran would want you to enjoy yourself, love. Have a nice time.

Thanks, Ma.

Well,

it's been very nice. It's a pity we can't do it more often.

to bid your last farewell to Mother.

Oh, yes.

Bye -bye, Mrs... No,

that's not right, is it?

I'm a bit confused.

It's a port.

This way.

Sissy, do you want to come too, or would you rather stay with him?

No, I like a bit of life.

I'll come with you.

Hello, it's me.

I can see it's you.

Bit early for Christmas.

Christmas?

That's not a... That's not a Christmas

wreath. Don't take your coat off. What are you doing here anyway?

Well, you didn't turn up, so I came to get you. Get me?

Yeah. It's talent night at the Dirty Dashund and we're supposed to do our

imitation. Well, you'll just have to manage on your own. I have decided to

remain here.

You mean your wife won't let you? My wife has nothing to do with it. The old

lady is dead.

Dead? That's what I said.

When did she pop off?

At eight o 'clock this morning.

Are you sure?

Certainly I'm sure.

Well, if she's dead, why can't you come down to the Dirty Dashund?

I mean, she can't stop you, can she? Who can't? Your old woman. My old woman?

It's nearly 12 hours since she died. There's no sense in grieving all your

I didn't say my old woman. I said the old woman.

Oh. Well, you can't have everything.

What?

Half a loaf is better than having your cake and not being able to eat it.

On account of the nearer the bone, the sweeter the tune played on

an old fiddle.

Are you sure it isn't your wife who died?

Well,

why don't you try and sneak out?

Or tell her you were with me.

And then she'll know you're not going to get into any trouble.

Why don't you do that?

Why do you shove oranges down our lavatory?

Who told you? The plumber told me.

Do you know we had to cut through two pipes to get at those oranges?

Are you fond of them?

Why do you stick them down there?

Well, because I don't like oranges and I get upset if I have to eat them. So you

just stick them down our WC?

Sure. If you don't like them, why do you buy them?

What do you expect me to do, starve to death?

A man's got some rights. Got to keep body and legs together.

It's coming to something if I can't buy some oranges.

It's a free country. Now that will do.

And put those down.

It's a shame you can't come down to the Dirty Dashund.

We might have won a fry.

And then you could have bought your wife a nice wreath.

And they've got that striptease lady with the tassels. Oh, you mean

Thora?

I don't see why not if she's in a good humor.

And if you're in the show, you can get a side view.

Do you know I've only ever seen them from the front?

Well, I can't do the impersonation on my own.

And there's many a true word spoken in jest. What has that got to do?

Don't play with that.

That is for my wife to calm her nerves and give her a good night's sleep.

How many is she going to have?

Just the one. How many nights sleep do people usually have?

Anyway, it's none of your business.

You know, if she made a mistake and took too many of those pills...

I wouldn't be surprised if you could sneak down to the Dirty Dash Hunt and

didn't get to hear about it. You ought to tell her to be more careful. These

pills don't even belong to me. Say that again.

Well, if you took too many of those pills, your wife could sneak off down to

Dirty Tassel and swing her wreath and win a Dash Hunt.

That's a very good idea.

What is?

What are you doing?

Well, where's the harm? After all, she'll get a good night's sleep and we

win a prize.

And one for the pot.

Well, if you can't go, then you can't go.

Come back here. Wait a minute. Listen, you meet me outside in an hour and be

sure to have your costume on.

You mean that you...

Keep a letting me see her. Oh, she did look so lovely lying there. I've never

seen your mother looking so well. Yes. Those two weeks in Blackpool did her the

world of good.

Bye -bye.

What's he doing here?

He's your husband.

Sidney heard about sad bereavement pressures and he came to pay his

Oh. Do you want to see the remains?

The remains of what?

Never mind, love. Come on. Come and sit down.

Calm yourself.

Have one of these pills.

That's funny.

I know. I'll put it down there somewhere.

The remains of what?

Here. Put it in your port wine. It'll take the taste away.

Nothing will make me sleep tonight.

You want to bet?

You'd better have a couple, then.

PG Kins, I don't... Don't interrupt me when I'm silent.

I don't know. I think I've had too much port wine already.

Well, I wouldn't drink it anyway.

Oh, you wouldn't.

So what?

So, I'll see you later.

What did he mean, he'll see you later? later. Oh, nothing, Lambykins.

Nothing.

You think you're going to sneak out when I'm fast asleep, don't you? Yes.

No, no, no.

Well, I'm going to lock and bolt the front door, and then I'm going to put

key in a place where you'd never dream of looking for it, down the front of my

nightie.

front door and the bedroom door too. I can't get out.

Well, bye.

I'm back here.

What do you want? Don't leave me in this predicament. Help me to get down.

There's a ladder around the back.

down on that. It's too short.

Why didn't you get a longer one?

Well, you didn't tell me what you wanted it for.

I suppose I'll have to manage.

You didn't tell him what I wanted it for.

Nods as good as a nod to a sow's ear.

fool like a fool in me.

Do you

think we'll win a prize?

Why, certainly we'll win a prize.

What's more, the winner always gets a kiss from titillating Thora.

We might even get to find out how she makes the tassels go in different

directions.

Centrifugal force.

Why, sure, if she won't tell us.

Oh, boy, are we gonna have fun. And nobody any the wiser.

lady dropped her handbag.

Hey, why don't we stop and help her to pick it up? That's a very charitable

idea.

May we offer you a lift, ma 'am?

Thank you.

Have a drink.

Is it all right for me to drink while you're driving?

I'm sure I'm taking you gentlemen miles out of your way.

Yes, you certainly are. Why, Pish, we're only too delighted to be of service.

Hey, what about titillating Thora?

Actually, my name's Edwina, and let's wait until we get home.

What's the time?

Up past eight.

I think it's come on to race.

Hey!

Oh,

don't do that.

You'll, uh...

Forgive us if we don't see you to the door, but my friend and me, we have a

pressing engagement.

You're going to come upstairs with me and have a drink. No, we really can't.

see... You don't like me. Of course we like you, don't we, Sidney? Well, I've

been thinking about that and I... Belt up!

Listen, fatty.

You two coming up with me to have a drink or...

Do I have to make him? Well, if that's your tone, nothing in the wide world

would persuade me. And that goes for him, too.

Us do what you want us to?

All right, all right, all right, we'll come.

Just one little grape, that's all. You're a fool.

I can't wait to get my clothes off.

Make

yourselves

at home while I slip into something more comfortable.

Does she mean an armchair?

Oh, she does not mean an armchair.

This is another fine mess you've gotten me into.

Well, there's nothing to keep us here. I mean, she's out there, and we're here,

and we could be in Scotland. You know that's the most sensible thing you've

all evening? Come on, let's sneak out.

I wonder how

she knew.

Maybe she's septic.

Hey, who do you think he might be?

Well, he's her father. Who do you think he is, her mother?

What do you think he'd say if he knew we'd brought her home? Why, his

would know no bounds.

Do you think he might give her something?

Like a shot.

Maybe we ought to leave him a note and say that she has dizzy spells.

In fact, she's the dizziest thing. Why don't you pour us all a drink?

And turn on the fire.

It's cold in here.

I'll pour the drinks.

You might spill them. Light the fire.

No, I don't. Try the table.

Have you got a match?

Hey, it's a nice place she's got here. Hey, put that down. Don't you know these

things are expensive?

I'll light the fire.

You get some soda for the drinks.

That should warm the place up a bit.

That's an electric fire.

Why did you light it?

Get some water.

melted water.

Cloth to smother the flames with. Get a... Not cloth. I said a cloth.

All I need is something that doesn't cause any damage. A simple rug would

done like this one. What the...

what you've done.

By making excuses.

Where are you going now?

Give me that.

Haven't you caused enough damage already? You tidy the place up.

I'll take the orange to the lavatory.

Wrong flat.

I do live here.

And who the devil are you, sir? Shh, shh.

We're just tidying the place up so that she won't realize anything's happened.

Would you like to help?

What kind of a bomb was it? Was my wife killed?

Oh, we haven't seen her. But your daughter's in there with Harry.

My daughter? Yeah. He's keeping her busy.

know that I am not the sort of woman who indulges in improper behavior on 30

minutes acquaintance. You'll have to wait another half hour.

And what was that noise?

Oh, my friend was just admiring your grand piano when the leg came off in his

hand. He's putting it back.

Is that all?

For a moment I thought it was my husband.

Oh, why does his leg come off in your hand too?

Celebrating. You boys picked up the right girl tonight because I...

No, you know, I had a bit of good luck today, too, myself.

The old mother -in -law snuffed it. Oh, really?

Oh, you knew her, did you?

Stay away.

There's only another three floors to search.

When I wake up, I'll kill him. Yes, I should. It'll cheer me up for the

shoot a man with his hands full, would you?

That's the second time he shot that lion.

You can't get away from me, sir.

There's only one way out of there, and it's the window.

out of here.

Let's go.

Don't you think we ought to stay behind and clear up the mess? Listen, if we're

still here when he gets back, we'll be part of it. Now, let's go. Okay.

Well,

it just serves you right.