Original subtitles

Commercial for Mother Goose.

Come on, you're all right.

Threaten him with a kiss of life, that'll bring him to his feet.

Separate them, Rev.

They could be mating down there.

Ask the goalie what bait he's using to get all that stuff in his neck.

Main thing about marriage is to start as you mean to go on, you know.

Mind you, some of the young couples I take to church have started a bit early.

Do you follow football at all? Did you see him last Saturday?

They're a formation dancing team.

Managed to struggle to an 8 -0 defeat.

8 -fizzy -nil.

Would have been 9.

Only Butterfingers accidentally knocked one out with his elbow when he was

trying to protect his face.

Oh dear.

Mind you, I blame the trainer, you know. Horace the vet. Yeah.

Lurking about in his St. John's ambulance uniform, praying for a

fracture.

He's after my job, you know, team manager.

You're very quiet in the back. Are you all right?

Oh, yes, you're all right.

I suppose you're not very wrapped up in football, are you? I am.

Makes me laugh.

It's only me. I'm back.

You on your own?

Just come in.

Oh, I thought it was your coffee morning with that old bat who always parks her

bike so I can't get my bus out.

Goodbye, Mrs Beckett. Oops, sorry.

No wonder our Kathleen won't bring her boyfriends home.

Have you seen her when you're near them? Watch her face.

Every time she sees you open your mouth, she goes white.

Oh, I get on all right with some of them.

Provided they share your narrow -minded religious principles by believing in the

divine mission of Leeds United.

A man's got to have standards, anyway.

You were rotten to that music student, she knew.

Well, that one all covered in hair, I never saw his face once.

Talk to him was like calling your dog out of a hedge.

No wonder they call you Gobby Albert.

Not to me face, not to me face.

Oh, I wish you wouldn't do that.

Wasn't in the penalty area, was it?

Don't know your own strength.

Think you're still driving a great big eight -wheeler.

Come on, fly with me to the spare bedroom. I'll put you through your MOT

You're all talk. All talk?

I'm a very attentive lover, I am. Unless there's a late match on the telly.

You attentive?

What about that time I appeared wearing art pants?

All you did was blow your...

Well, you was offside, weren't you?

Certainly from where I was standing.

Anyway, that was a failed tackle, that was. You're not supposed to use your

elbow like that on a man when he's bending over with his head in a taxi

Has there been any calls?

You've a station job at three and you're outpatients from the fracture clinic.

Oh, God, if it isn't weddings, it's that broken lot.

I'm going to tie crate bandages on the front of my car instead of white

I reckon.

And that'll do for them both. I need never take them off.

Oh, peeps! What? Dear, you're scattering confetti.

Oh. Oh, that fella called, wants to see you. What fella?

That creepy fella in the St John's Ambulance uniform.

Oh, Oris the vet, you mean.

He's always looking at my legs. Oh, well, it's nothing sexual. He's just

you up for plaster cast, that's all.

Oh, I wish you'd keep this.

You want to see the bridegroom. He looks like an elephant with dandruff.

You don't waste it. I'll get money back on this, you know.

I'll give them it all back.

Don't you know the drill, then, you lot, for a coach trip?

You're supposed to have ten crates of beer lined up, all ready for the sing

-song.

I've read you lot, you know.

It's tempting fate, being all dressed up like this, all ready for an accident.

I'd sooner take a fishing party, you know.

Yeah, and there's some right old hooligans follow that peaceful pursuit

I can tell you.

They do everything with their left hand, you know.

It's a religious thing, I think.

Maggots.

Sandwiches.

Oh, they think nothing of offering you one, you know. Go on, driver, you get

that down you.

I'm not joking. Every bite's a journey into the unknown.

You just keep your eye on the road and hope that that last bit of gristle was a

bit of gristle.

How did you lot get like this, anyhow?

Fall into the clutches of the Phantom Bandager, did you?

Leaps from the darkness, waving 40 foot of glistening sticky plaster.

Come on then, number 11, your time's up.

You ever see that film where they found this mummy's tomb?

I'm ashamed he played your part.

There we are.

It's not your legs I'm worried about, but that crutch belongs to the nation,

know.

It's a crisis, Harry, it's a crisis.

I'm losing money on them hot dogs.

Well, I do my best. You know how conscientious I am. Well, you'll have to

help. Or the chop or something.

But they won't train.

They'll have to be driven.

The old ones smoke and the young ones chase after doubtful women.

Have to run a damn sight faster than they do on the field, I'll tell you.

I've given 15 years' voluntary service to this club. I know.

And it's that sort of slipshod disregard for the profit motive I'm up against.

Boris? Albert? Ah. What's he doing here? Is it half day at the town hall or

what? I'm sorry, Albert, but I couldn't stand by and watch the club ruin. That's

why I asked Councillor Todd here to meet us. It's a plot, isn't it?

It's a plot, isn't it? You're not only a furtive medical book reader, you're a

bit of an infection in your own right, ain't you?

You'd better leave us, Horace.

Go and practise with your thermometer.

I'd like a few words with him on the quiet. Very good, sir.

Just as you say, sir.

You're a right creeper, Horace.

That's what I appreciate, loyalty.

Thank you.

So, this is where it all happens, eh?

You can't beat it, can you?

Smell of leather and sweat, and that's only your wallet.

You're never supporting Horace for my job, are you? At least he'd keep his

on the game, not on the hot dogs.

Better hot dogs than injuries, that's all he's interested in. Have you ever

him drooling over a broken leg?

If I'd let him, he'd have booby traps set up all over the field.

Albert, we're at the council of concern.

It's getting so you can't sleep at meetings.

All the other towns are laughing at us.

We've got to have a few changes.

If you don't resign, then Horace is going to show that film around and

laughed into doing it, I'm telling you. What, that film he took on Saturday?

There'll be a revolt.

The supporters have already threatened to move to South Sea, all three of them.

Very humorous.

You'll have to step down. Step down?

That sort of reckless talk's going to get us nowhere, Mortimer. Listen, what

you and I getting across purposes for, eh?

I've no news. What are you doing?

When you start getting friendly, a little voice tells me to check the

of my pockets.

Listen, we're in this together. A mutual love of the game has drawn us together.

As a politician, Albert, I'm forced to admire your ability to lie and wriggle.

It's no good.

Mortimer, you know what this team means to me.

The chance to make a bit on the side.

Or at least I used to think so. When I think of this team, I get a lump here.

You've got 11 lumps here. That's the trouble.

I thought, right, this is it. When we play at home, I make a fortune on hot

dogs, and when we play away, I've got three busloads to ferry. But, oh, well,

you'd have a job to fill a motorbiking sidecar.

I mean, look at this here. Look at this.

38 quid, that cabinet cost to have made, and look at it.

38 quid. prize in the snooker contest.

Albert, step down for the good of Ashfield.

It's the noble thing to do.

Wait a minute.

Do you mind if I make a bit of a note of that? That'll go down well in council,

that.

Step down for the good of Ashfield.

It's the noble thing to do.

They like a bit of resounding rhetoric, you know.

But the crutch of the matter is, Albert, that they're... They're having a go at

me about this team of yours. It's got to be improved. It will be improved. I

shall see to it it's improved.

I mean, I've got to, innit? I can't live on weddings, can I?

I've got confetti in me brake fluid as it is.

I know it'll be improved because I've had a few words with Horace the vet.

just a little crawler. I know.

But with careful supervision, he'll become a big crawler.

And that is what I need.

Somebody I can trust.

Your trouble is you're too inclined to use your own initiative.

If there's one thing we can't stand as loyal party members, it's initiative.

Well, what's Horace going to do then? Use bigger bandages or what? Why do you

think there's so many injuries, eh? Only because he goes round legging them down

and tying their bootlaces together.

What are you saying, these first -aid fanatics? Talk about Wyatt Earp. He

carries his embrocation in a greased holster, you know.

Horace is showing that film tonight just to me and the team.

And if they're as bad as what he says they are, I'm going to start showing it

the other councillors and the local press and any others who won't be too

pleased that you're turning Ashfield into a laughing stock. Now, listen, you

think a bit more, don't you? You think before you start slinging mud around.

Look, surely these colours must mean something to you. Who picked them? I

Only because you got them wholesale.

What are these doing downstairs again?

Eh?

Oh, it's a big night for me tonight. I've got to go and show Moo's boss.

I've got to be calm, confident and well turned out. So give him another rub up,

would you?

Anything else?

Yes, clean hanky.

We should bring him in for washing then, instead of using him for rags and the

bus. Well, I've run out of your old bloomers.

Here, how about a bit off these, eh?

Here,

I shan't be home late tonight, so if you care to be wearing something

stimulating rather than comfortable, I'll be very much obliged.

If you're going to be like that, I'll clean your rotten shoes.

And don't come back in a temper like you usually do. Oh, no, not tonight. Single

-handed, I've got to force them into doing things my way. I shall come home

flush with power. So get your holiday nighty out.

Not that damn old thing you usually wear. It's like flowing your way through

refreshment tent.

There's nobody in there.

They just haven't all turned up, that's all.

Well, they'd come if it were a blue movie.

They've got no sense of purpose, no sense of dedication to the community.

some of them are working. It's not a bad turnout for a training night, this. I

can see what he's in training for.

Oh, playboy. Oh, he won't come at all unless you let him bring his supper.

before the lights go out. Oh, righto. Here, Boris.

Sir? Stand behind him, would you? If he starts anything drastic, hit him with

your cap, would you?

Don't just stand there enjoying it, though. All right, well, are we ready?

Right. Someone put the lights off. Thanks, Ed.

Oh, butterfingers.

He's like a young gazelle, isn't he? Look at him. All right, here we go.

Seven foot of fun and a banjo.

Ah, there he is. There we are.

Oh, I didn't know it was in colour.

Of course he's in colour.

That was a new ball last season, sir. Yeah, well, what's wrong with that, Mr.

Tom? Look at that. That's a beautiful turnout, that is.

What's that to do with it?

There you are. That's not a bad movement. They got her mark, didn't

That separated the men from the boys, look.

Now, you watch this closely, Mr. Tom, please.

Here, hang on. You've got this on slow motion, haven't you? What's going on

here? Oh, no, that's a death pass.

Look at that.

Salt and vinegar, though, isn't it? What, with them legs?

Oh,

precision there.

Look at that on the verge.

Who's she, then? Where'd you find her?

She must be 40.

I don't mean her bigots, either.

Obvious lack of discipline, that. Of course he does. Obviously a well -earned

rest. He's just been pressing the human flame to his limits.

Sorry about that. I'm sorry about that.

He always has a tidy voice.

Behind you!

Behind you!

Behind you! Behind you! Behind you! Behind you! Behind you! Behind you!

you! Behind you! Behind you! Behind you!

Behind you! Behind you!

leach he does.

The only way you'll get him off is like they used to in Burma, burn him off with

a cigarette.

Who did that letter in there? What's that sweet essay?

Now this, Mr. Todd, this is a lack of good managership, sir.

If old puss in boots on the sidelines had been watching, he'd have stopped

looking at me.

Oh dear.

He's having a change of oil.

Oh, this will be very good. Yeah, you'll like this.

I should get an Oscar for that. You'd be better off with a bread poultice.

Nice one, sir. It was all right after I put the splint on it. I'll get that down

here. Hey, a war into play, boy. In recognition of his tireless energy and

devotion to the game.

Andy wore old rubbish. What do you want all that in there for?

Last one.

Last order's all ready.

He never got that from me, sir. I don't know where he got it from. We can see

where it went.

I think

we've seen enough. That's all there is, anyway.

Oh, dear. And you brought any Mickey Macy's in?

If you'd like to accompany me through there, I...

I'll make a proposition to you. What, and the ladies?

No one will disturb us.

That's what I'm worried about.

Yeah, 11 of them.

What are you talking about?

The team, that's what I'm talking about. I've been given an ultimation.

If we don't win a match on Saturday, I am finished. Out, kaput. Up the spout,

down the drain, out the window.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear? Is that all you can say, oh, dear?

I mean, I don't mind a fair challenge, but winning a match, that's dirty

tactics, that.

Stop it, that's not funny.

Oh, stop moaning. All you've got to do is refuse.

to resign, the team will back you. Oh, no. He's warned me if I do. Todd, he'll

have a word with all his cronies. He can ruin my contract work altogether, put

me right out of business.

So I'm lumbered, ain't I?

With 11 cretins and Horace the vet.

Wear your holiday nightie, he says.

Just look at you, you devil, you.

Well, how was I to know they'd pull a stroke like that?

What am I going to do?

Don't ask me.

And you know what you kidded me on you was going to do?

It's no good. We'll have to face up to it, love.

I think we've had our last cuddle.

Well, we have at this time of night, I can tell you. I meant forever, that's

what I meant. Oh, dear, we are in a deep depression.

You don't seem to realise, with a team as it is, I'm a eunuch.

Oh, you'll have to take a lover or something.

Or else join the WVS.

I didn't mean now, they don't open well now.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Plenty of sugar.

You done half looked nice in that night, you know.

Well, maybe if we win a match, some of me faculties will come back.

Never mind that, Shakespeare.

Do your strangle man, eh?

On behalf of the op... On behalf of the opposition, I just wanted to say good

luck.

May the best team win.

Silly fella.

Yeah, who was that?

The opposing trainer, I think.

They're getting some right nanas in this league.

Say that again.

Here, what's going on here?

I just bumped into their trainer. He reckoned someone was trying to kill

somebody in here.

Well, go and tell him we were only mucking about, eh? Oh, you do no such

With any luck right now, he's going round telling his own team that we're a

of dangerous hooligans.

That's what we need in New Image, yeah?

Yeah, get something on you. I've got a job for you. Listen, I want you to go

after that trainer who just poked his head in here. Have an unofficial word

him. Tell him on the quiet that I'm bringing some visitors.

Tell him I'm bringing last week's team, all right? Last week's team. That's what

I said, last week's team. And tell him that they beat us in all.

Now, that's very important, see? Tell him if he keeps his eyes open, you'll

the point. For God's sake, don't start the game till I get back, will you?

Here, where's little Ducky? Where's little Ducky? He's gone for a... I don't

care where he's gone, as long as I know where he's gone, that's all. I've got

this terrible fear that you'll get lost up somebody's shorts.

Where are you going?

Well, I can't hang about here all day. I've got things to do. I've got a living

to earn, you know. He can't what?

He's throwing in the towel.

If I did, it'd have a brick in it, mate.

What about the lads, Albert?

Are they on their toes? I don't want you to think you know that the council are

prejudiced against you. They're with you in spirit. Yeah, well, they ought to be

here in the flesh, aren't they, cheering and buying the hot dogs?

Horace has got plans for the team. If they lose today, I've got to give him

chance. You know why he wants to get on with it, don't you? He just wants a free

hand with his liniment, that's all. I warn you, he'll wear them away. You'll

finish up with 11 dwarfs.

Ten dwarfs and Snow White, isn't he?

Last week's winner.

It's me, I'm home.

Slinky boots.

Full of Eastern promise and whiskey.

Are you indecent, I hope?

Shut up, you dark devil. I might have had Mrs. Thingy in here. We beat them.

beat them 4 -3.

Cheese in the oven?

Oh, no, it's not.

It's in your dressing table, second drawer down. Get your holiday note here.

Polishing rags again? You say that to me, the Steve McQueen of the taxi

business.

Now, do you or don't you want ground rice pudding?

Oh, I've heard about you bored suburban housewives trapping reckless passing

travellers with your ground rice pudding.

Here, turn your head, woman. I'm about to strip off my jacket and I don't think

you're ready for it.

I'm licensed to carry passengers.

Oh, you woman, you.

Every time I hold you like this, I'm reminded that I must get my brake shoes

relined.

Did you see him on Saturday?

We beat him 4 -3, you know. Were you there?

No, I bet you were too busy getting your things together.

Don't answer that if it's liable to incriminate you.

Here, take my advice.

When the newness wears off a bit, he starts looking at you a bit critical,

him round.

You'll find with the best will in the world, he'll need some outside interest.