Original subtitles

Let's see now.

Milk stopped.

Paper stopped.

Gas off.

Electric off.

Water off.

Might as well begger off.

Well, that's that then.

Chucking out time at last.

And as usual, Sam Cobbett, you're the last beggar to leave.

They tell you down the town hall they're building 500 new homes on this site.

They don't tell you they're pulling down 700 old ones to make room.

Ah, look at that.

Last rose of summer.

That was the rosebush that Albert Higgins gave us at the time of the

An American pillar.

He said it was a Mrs. Simpson.

Dirty old devil.

Oh, and he wouldn't half laugh if he could see me going to live in a flat

that toffee -nosed Arthur.

Well, no good standing here.

Please, God, help me to be nice to Arthur.

Oh, God.

Dad's late, Arthur.

Thank God for small mercies.

Oh, we should have driven him round.

Well, he said he wanted a walk, wanted to be on his own.

Proper little Greta Garbo, your father.

Oh, I think I'll make a pot of tea. I dare say he'll feel like a cup.

Yes, and I'll have a pint of Winkles, too, I've no doubt.

Oh, Ron, I thought I asked you to clear all that up.

We don't want the place looking like a pigsty with your granddad arriving.

Do we?

But, Dad, I'm making a model. You're making a mess.

Mind you, it's nothing to the load of old rubbish he'll probably turn up with.

Half his tatty old furniture on Charlie Chambers' Orson Carter, I shouldn't

wonder. Well, I can't think why you made it pretty clear to me wasn't to bring

much. Oh, Arthur, do try to be tolerant.

It isn't going to be easy for any of us, is it? Not unless he's had a

personality transplant, no.

Well, it isn't going to be easy.

You'll miss his garden for a start, especially on a... Saturday, especially

first. Yeah, well, you've very cleverly taken care of that little problem,

haven't you, my love?

I think I'll put the kettle on.

I don't know why, Ronald, but I've got a feeling that there's a time bomb

ticking away in our midst.

Be very careful, son. You're not the one to detonate it, will you? Don't mention

gardens to him, understand?

Oh, that'll be him.

All right, all right, I'll go.

Here we go.

Please, God, help me to be nice to the old devil.

Hello, Dad.

Hello, Arthur.

Well, go on in then, man. Give us your bag.

How are we then? Tell you the truth, I'm a bit short of wind at the moment. The

old heart's thumping away like a steam hammer. You all right?

Oh, beggars.

I've never walked up so many stairs in my life.

Oh, dear.

Oh, no, Dad.

You're nice to see.

That's definitely Ron, is he? Hello, Sally, how are you? Hello, Grandad.

He's shot up a couple of feet since I saw him last, hasn't he?

Well, you see, they have a very nice place here, Doris, by the look of it. A

better than Ironmonger Row, eh, Dad? Well, that's a matter of opinion, isn't

Would you like a cup of tea, would you, Dad? Oh, yes, I'm fair parts walking up

all them stairs.

He walked up.

Dad, you didn't. Not carrying that heavy bag.

What bag, Craig? What, do you think I'm daft or something? I put the bag in the

lift.

Have I got to sleep out in the hall on a

camp bed, then, or what? Have you got a room for me, eh? Oh, I'm sorry, love.

Arthur, you show Dad to his room, and I'll go and put the kettle on. OK.

Come on, then, Samson. OK, carry on. I'm right behind you.

Here, Doris, don't forget to warm the pot, will you, eh?

I always have to remind Dad. Yeah, well, we usually drink coffee, you see, mid

-morning. Oh, yes, yes.

Well,

there we are, Dad.

How did that suit you? Oh, yes, that's very, very, very lovely. Oh, that's very

nice indeed, yes. Yes, we call this the blue room.

It's green, isn't it?

Well, no, as a matter of fact, it's what they call turquoise.

No, no, tur... Why is this blue?

Well, blue -green.

Yeah, well, it's just plain green, isn't it?

But you see, we had the whole flat colour coordinated throughout, you see,

this room was done, as you can see, in turquoise.

Oh, it must have been colourblind.

We had an expert in, Dad. Look, expert or no expert, Arthur, some silly

done your blue room out in green, haven't they?

Well, it's all right. I mean, you know, you have it your own way. I mean, what

does it matter, anyway?

Oh, yeah. I'd like you to know, Arthur, I'm very appreciative of you.

You take your beard like this. Oh, no, that's all right.

Yes, I, uh... I just hope I don't cause you and Doris any trouble, that's all.

Oh, of course you won't. Here, bring your clothes over. I'll hang them up for

you. Oh, right. Oh, hiya. I didn't bring much, yeah.

I've never found any need for more than two sets, you know. Me day today and me

wedding's a funeral, so...

I seem to be wearing my wedding and funerals for funerals these days.

Come on, give us your clothes, Dad. Let's hang them up there. Don't you bang

here. My old wardrobe is that's worn up, you know. Really? Lovely old bit of red

worn up. That's real old, that is.

These will be white wood, I'd ask you. Yeah, white wood.

Yes, it warps, you know.

This hasn't. No, it will.

Well, anyway, Dad, I hardly think that your old wardrobe would suit the decor

this room. Yeah, it's all this claiming greed, isn't it?

Well, you see, these are fitted covers, Dad. I mean, you can't get them out.

Well, they start warping. You won't be able to keep the beggars in.

Well, uh... Well, anyway, Dad, now, this bed is very cosy indeed. Very

comfortable. Now, you've got brushed nylon sheets.

Now, they're warmer than the plane.

And you've got acrylan cellular blankets on top of you, very warm. And that

there is a genuine cosy -dose.

Now, that is filled with purified curled feathers. What's wrong?

Well, there's no braille on the bed, Arthur.

Well, it's a dive van.

Well, where am I going to hang me trousers?

You hang your trousers over the bed round end of a cold morning. You can

into them without getting out of bed, can't you?

I mean, it's not going to be very easy, one of them hangers in it. You could do

yourself a nasty one.

Now, you don't have to worry about that, because, you see, this flat does not

get cold, not like that messy old place you used to live in, because we have got

central heating.

Central heating?

Throughout, including the lobby and the loo. Do you know, it's funny you should

say that, but as soon as I walked in through that door, I thought you was

looking a bit dicky.

Eh? That's a central eater. That would account for it, wouldn't it? Well, how

you make that out? It dries out your membrane, central eater.

Makes you all pasty. Oh, now, that is absolute nonsense. No, no, look at all

them yanks on me. Why do you think you call them doughboys?

Because they're all pasty, isn't it? You're the central eater.

Well, all right, then, if you don't want it, you can switch it off. Oh, good. As

a matter of fact, I think I'll switch it off now.

Come on, you two. Tea's ready.

cup of tea, darling.

It's the central heat in that bedroom. Drives me throat right out there.

Hey, that's a mallard, isn't it, that? Or I'm a Dutchman.

You are, Dad. That's right.

Not there, love. Not today.

Leave it for Dad, eh?

Come and sit here by me. All right, all right. Anything for peace.

Didn't you make coffee?

Tea? For Dad?

Tea? At eleven o 'clock in the morning?

Disgusting working -class habit.

That's enough.

Eh? What?

Dad, go and sit over there.

Oh, yes, right.

Come.

of us together again.

Yeah.

Do you know who I was thinking about when I left the house this morning?

No. Old Windy Perkins.

God. Yeah. You know, I haven't seen Windy since I pulled his house down last

winter, you know. Yeah.

Me and him used to work in the market together when we was boys, you know.

was before the war. That was before the first war, that was.

You know, they used to hold...

He used to hold donkey racing in the streets on Sunday in them days, yeah.

That was before there was any traffic, of course.

Streets were for people in those days, not cars.

Do you know, there was one particular bloke who used to have this donkey that

was deformed, you know.

Yeah.

His front legs were shorter than his back legs.

And he used to take on all comers for the race up Chapel Hill, you know.

Yeah, he used to make a pretty penny, though, cos the blokes, they knew it was

deformed, you see, but they hadn't got a sense to realise that that was an

advantage when he was going uphill.

Being old Windy used to back a little bit, you know. Yeah.

Of course, that was only for coppers. Money was short.

Money was always short in those days. The good old days, they call them. Yeah,

well, money had everything.

You try telling that to the electricity board.

The electricity board had everything, either.

Cool. In your mum's young day, there was no such thing as fridges and washing

machines, you know.

Oh, no. It was just a copper and a bar of carbolic and bags of elbow grease.

Cool. I seen her sweat so much, sometimes you'd think she'd melt.

Yes. Times change, Dad.

Not always for the better, either.

Well, I'm damn sure that Doris would sooner be up here with her vodka and

colour TB and drip -dry panties than flaving over a flaming copper in your

place listening to 2LO.

Yeah.

Hey, Grandad. Yes?

We've got a telescope. It's ever so powerful.

Oh, is it? See the ground, can you?

Can you see your back garden from here? Yeah.

Ron, come on in. We don't want you catching a cold, do we?

Forty years I looked after that garden.

Forty years!

I sowed it, owed it and mowed it.

Now look at me. Stuck my eyes up in the air.

I've got green fingers and nowhere to put them but up my nose.

Why don't you two go to the pub for a drink? It'll warm you up before your

dinner. Oh, thank you. That's a very good idea.

Well, you fancy a jar then, Dad? I suppose they don't have gardens around

I suppose flats don't have gardens, do they? Oh, not gardens, no.

No. But I've got a little surprise for you this afternoon.

Oh, yeah? What is it? Well, it's not a garden for a start. That's impossible

living in a flat. Oh, yeah, of course not, no.

But it's a sort of a substitute, is it?

Well, sort of, yes.

Good, I thought as much, you know. I thought as much. We used to have one

the war, do you remember?

I used to grow vegetables on it.

Leeks and carrots and potatoes.

When can I see it?

Well... When you come back after your dinner. All right. Well, come on, Dad.

Cozy Coombe closes at 2 .30. Yeah.

The what?

The Cozy Coombe Tavern. That's the new one in Rosetti Way.

That'll be your new local now.

Oh, my God.

Cozy -coo.

Oh,

it's

a bit dark, isn't it?

I find it very relaxing.

I don't know how you find it at all in this land.

Morning, sir -o.

Hello, ducky. What'll it be?

Usual, Vodden Tarn.

Make it a biggie, would you, love? Okey -dokey -dokey.

Having a rough day, are we?

He's on the stage.

Is he?

What, as a male impersonator?

You need to behave yourself, cos I'm known in here. Known? I should damn well

think you are at all.

Making an exhibition of yourself like that. Hello, ducky.

Vodden Tom, make it a biggie.

That's not ordering a drink, that's soliciting, that is.

Keep your voice down, please. Now, what are you having?

I'll have a pint.

Bitter? Old and mild. Don't tell old and mild. Have a bitter. I'll have a mild.

Don't tell mild. Are you sure this is a pub?

Not a chemist, is it?

Now, that's four large Camparis, two gin and hidden. What was it, love? Oh,

Bacardi and Coke.

A pint of keg when you're ready, Cyril.

Righty -o. Won't be a moment.

Oh, hello, John.

Hello, George.

Hi there, Andrew.

Hello, Arthur. Are you well? Oh, jolly good.

Splendid. Ha -ha -ha -ha.

Oh.

What's the matter with your voice, Arthur?

Voice? Yes, this must be the central heating getting at your vocal cords,

Arthur. A couple more winters, you'll be talking like the Queen Mother.

Well, you know what they say, Dad. I mean, when in Rome... When in Rome, you

speak Italian, don't you?

There we are, Arthur. One vodka and a pint.

Oi, Puffy, here.

Could I have us in a straight glass, please, mate, without a handle? I can't

drink out of them cut glass chamber pots.

I've heard them call some things, but rarely.

Oh, Andrew, I'm very glad to see you in here today. Would you care for a

quickie? Sure, yes.

That's it.

New in here, are you, love?

New? Do I look new?

I was old when you were still in the brownies, mate.

We haven't seen you here before, have we? No, you won't see me here again if

things go on like this.

Oh, I see.

Oh, dear.

Hello,

Puffy. Hello, Puffy.

Hello, Puffy.

It's a minor bird.

Where's this Davy lamp, then?

Here,

don't they feed... I thought it was a negro canary for a minute.

Don't they feed you, then? Hey, that's too busy poncing about to give you a

I like the way you do that, yeah.

Hang on, I'll get you some nuts.

They got them over on the counter for some unknown reason.

Oi, stop that.

Eating the poor bird's nuts, you poor little beggar starving.

Just a minute. Andrew, meet my father -in -law.

You're, um... Oh, really? How splendid.

Well, delighted to meet you, I'm sure. How are you? Well, I'm not very well at

the moment, thanks, son. It's this keg beer, you know. Blows your belly out

a sailor.

Come along, lad. You really must be going. Yes, beer isn't what it was,

No, they used to make the lovely drop down the old magpie and stuff in the old

days. Dad, please.

You know, they wouldn't serve you more than two pints of their older bar

it was so strong. Yes, well, there was that much drunkenness about in those

days, you see. That's why they brought in the licensing hours. Yeah, well, it

was better than standing about drinking lukewarm Nats water like this.

In a pub charolais by plastic flowers. It looks like a Nancy Boy's bedroom.

Anyway, they was damn good to your old man in the old days down at the Magpie

Stump. Don't you forget it.

They collected... Here. They collected over 126 quid for his old man, you know,

when he was in hospital.

Yeah. Gave him a lovely funeral.

They spent more on one half hour giving that old man a ride in a hearse than

they had the year before sending 32 old age patients to Blackpool, you know.

Oi, mate, have you got a Joanna?

Well, it's a new one on me, love. How do you make it?

A piano, you Bert, a piano.

Yeah, that's young Willie Price, isn't it, over there? Oi, Willie.

Keep your voice down. Oi, Willie Price.

Sam! How are you, mate? I thought you was dead, mate.

I'm as good as, mate. I'm living with a family.

Yeah, so am I. I've been condemned. They said I wasn't safe.

What about the arse? Yeah, I knew you'd say that, you dozy beggar.

What about the... All your stuff, then, all the furniture and all that. Oh, old

Chambers come round. You know, old Potty Chambers. He'd come round. He gave me

45 quid for the lot. I told him the harmonium was worth more than that.

well, he'd give me 67 quid for my lot, you know. Mind you, it was the brass bed

that put my money up.

It was a better state than yours and all, I'll bet.

I'll bet a tanner it was at all.

You hadn't seen so much wear and tear in you.

Your poor missus. You know, if that bed had been a car, its big end would have

gone...

married ten years before you did, you know. I'd done a hundred thousand miles

before you learnt to drink.

Come along, Dad, we must be going now.

Can I get you a drink? No, thanks, mate, I've got one. Pass your winkles!

You remember the old winkles?

Picking all the big ones out.

Picking all the big ones out.

Picking all the big ones out.

Talking about the best face company, wrinkles. There I was with a pair of

wrinkles. All the big ones gone.

All right!

They're not as stuck up as I thought, are they?

Oh, dear. Here, I've got to take old misery guts home now to his dinner.

Well, I'll see you in here tomorrow, shall I? You're on, mate, you're on. We

might get the dance of the dominoes going, eh? Not off. Cribbage and all,

Cribbage and all, yes. Not off.

Come on, Alfred. Standing there like a bacon sandwich at a Jewish wedding. Come

on, Alfred.

I think we'd better light this pub. When me and old Willie get it sorted out.

Shut up. Shut up, mate. We'll see you.

We'll get all the big guns out.

Dad, do you want to go somewhere?

Yes. Well, you know where it's in.

I want to go in the garden.

Arthur, I think it's time for Dad's little surprise.

Oh, God.

I thought it would do instead of a garden. You know, something to do.

Well, it does look a bit inadequate, I must admit, but, well, it's better than

nothing, surely.

Well, I thought it was going to be an allotment.

I can't see much there to occupy the rest of me days.

Well, you can manure it, eh, Grandad? Believe me, Rhonda, isn't an animal does

it small enough?

You're just ungrateful, you are. Oh, Arthur, please.

Well, he's done nothing but grass ever since he got here, about the flat and

about the pub.

Now, look here, mate. This flat may not have a garden, but it's a damn sight

better than that hovel you lived in all them years.

That's the trouble with your generation.

You never knew how to improve yourselves.

I mean, they put you in modern luxury flats with every bit of modern gear, and

are you grateful? Are you hell?

All you can do is worry about not having a fireplace or somewhere to grow leek.

You like living in muck. The trouble with you is after you've got no soul,

have it.

You seem to be insane and insanity.

I mean, look at you.

Perched right up here in a little concrete box, miles above the ground.

Long as the radiators don't rattle and the bog chain pulls, you don't give a

damn.

Now look what you've done.

Me? Blimey, who bought him a row of pot plants as a substitute for half an acre?

Forty years you live in the house, forty years.

Then suddenly someone decides it's a slum.

Down it comes and out you goes.

Darth Beggars.

Can I come in, Grandad?

Oh, yes, come on in, boy, yes, come in.

Having a barney, are they?

A bit.

Yeah. It's a central eating, you know, makes you very short -tempered.

I brought the plants.

Mum was going to chuck them out.

Yeah, well, stick them over on the dressing table, boy.

Someone's got to look after the poor little beggars, I suppose.

To hear your father talk, you'd think I was born in a slum and lived all my life

in a slum.

Well, let me tell you something. Those ugly little houses, they used to have a

fire in the grate.

Your gran used to bake bread every Sunday.

The smell of it used to fill the house. Sweet, lovely.

We used to have the back door open in the summer.

You could see all the flowers.

The garden used to be full of flowers.

Flowers you could pick.

Grass you could walk on.

Believe me, son, I'd pee in an outside laverty with her any day.

The trouble with you is you haven't got a sense of humour.

I don't think that's very funny, Doris. You never see the funny side of things.

There are certain things which do not have a funny side, Doris. A cholera

outbreak and your father's among them.

Now, switch the telly on, would you?

for the football.

But we're in the middle of an argument.

Doris, the football starts at 2 .45. We can argue any time.

Who's that? Is that you?

Yeah, that's me. That's me on a footplate. Yes, that's right, yes.

Oh, did you actually drive them? Yeah, near on 30 years, yes.

Oh, I wish I'd seen them. What, seen them when they were working, I mean.

well, of course, it's in your blood, isn't it? You see, your granddad Brown,

now, he was an engine driver, though. But he was a great westerner. No great

shakes either, we used to say.

Go on, I remember once he drove the 430 into Waterloo Station so fast, he pushed

the buffers right up in the bookstore.

We always said he'd be better off driving a tram on the front of

Yeah, poor old Frank.

He died when he was allowed to 69, you know.

They'd never told me you actually drove them. No, no. Well, between you and me

in the gatepost, your dad, you see, he was never very interested, really. I

mean, he couldn't tell the difference between the express engine and the back

half of the Coleman's horse. He couldn't.

Did you see the rose on his button, though, when he arrived?

Always had one fresh, every morning, as long as I can remember.

He'd come in from work, put it in a glass and stand it by his bed.

Sometimes had as many as a dozen there, he did. That's just typical of him, that

is. No -one can have a glass of water because all the glasses are full of his

flaming roses.

That's the first diesel. It says they're cleaner. Yes, well, I'll tell you one

thing. In my day, with the old steam trains, the roof of Paddington Station

to be full of pigeons, you know.

Yeah. It's diesel what's driven them out.

Progress.

Oh, but they've landed a man on the moon, though, haven't they, Grandad? Not

British Rail, have it?

If it was left to them, they wouldn't have got a bloke up the post office

yet.

No, but you've got to look at it from his point of view.

I mean, we've got this place.

It's our own flat, it's full of lovely things.

We've got each other and we've got Ron.

And he's got nothing.

His home's gone, his furniture's gone.

His world's over now, and he's forced to live in ours.

Yeah, well, we'll just have to try and make him as comfortable as possible in

it, eh?

Be nice if we could, Arthur.

Of course we can, love.

Oh, he's not such a bad old stick.

I'll tell you what, I'll go and switch his central heating on again for him,

shall I? And try and get him to come out here.

I hate to think of him sitting in there fretting.

Oh, it was a laugh. Old Jack was good.

We was both home, you see, on leave from the war. That was the first war that

was, you see. And we was up in Davis's yard milking this cow, you see. When

old girl poked her nose round the gate, she said to old Jack, weren't you at the

front, young man? He said, there's no milk in that inn, Mum.

That's true.

True? No, I got it off a matchbox.

Good doing it, that.

Oh, would you care to come through to the other room, Dad?

No, I'm all right.

Well, Doris has got something to say to you and... Oh, come on, it's no good us

rowing, is it?

Oh, I suppose not, no.

Birds in their little nests agree, eh?

Especially when we're perched right up here.

How many flights did you say we was up? 17.

17? Oh, remind me of that next Thursday morning, would you? Well, why Thursday

morning? Well, that's the day I usually step outside and clean the windows.

Sit here.

Arthur wants to talk to you. Arthur?

I thought you said it was you.

Well, we both do, actually, Dad. You see, Doris was just saying that, well,

we've got all this and, well, you've really got nothing left at all now, have

you? And Arthur was saying we really ought to try and make things more

comfortable for you. And Doris agreed.

And so did I.

I've just said you did.

Oh, yes.

We both did. All four of you.

You know what we mean. Don't worry about me, Doris. I'll be all right. Just give

it time, eh?

Perhaps we could think of getting Dad a little allotment later on. Eh, Arthur?

Why not? Yes, don't worry. He'll all sort himself out. I may feel a bit like

fish out of water for a day or two. You know, nothing to do. But something will

turn up. I've always been a bit lucky, you know.

There you are. Perhaps our wonder pools.

Well, it's not very likely, is it, Dad? No, I don't do them.

Afternoon, all.

Where's the old beggar, eh?

Willie Price, I thought you were dead. Oh, yeah, Willie.

What the devil are you doing with all my stuff here? Sam!

Who do you think walked into the boozer just after you'd gone out? Old Charlie

Chambers. And guess what, mate? What? He parked his cart outside with all your

clobbers stacked up on it. Oh, God.

Yeah, bring it all in here. Yeah, well, I know what it's like, mate, being about

your own stuff around. Oh, yeah. So I thought to hell with it.

It's all Charlie good and drunk. Yeah. And I buys the whole lot right back home

with me. Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

I thought it'd make the place feel more like home, you know. Who's home?

Oh, I'm sorry about your organ.

Eh? I'm afraid an American bought that. He renovates them. I should have sold

him mine.

Here,

Jack, can I have a word with you about all this? No, let's get... No, don't put

all that stuff through. That room's not suitable, Dad. There's nothing wrong

with that room, Arthur. Don't worry about it. Nothing wrong with that room

can't be put right with a decent bucket of whitewash.