Original subtitles

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I got to see the basics. I don't

know any way.

Where will I find someone who understands where all is right?

Neverland.

Come on, don't stop now.

It's hard.

Wow.

Is he going to be sore tomorrow?

Fifty.

Fifty. Fifty.

What, in imaginary numbers?

Okay, forty.

Thirty.

Twelve.

Dave? Yeah?

Just thought you'd like to know the apartment's on fire. I have less than a

to live, and my real name is Howard. Nice to meet you, Howard.

Could you come back a little later?

Yeah, but it'll cost you.

How's, uh, twenty bucks? I don't know. I haven't seen 20 bucks in a long time. I

lent you 50 bucks the other day. Yes, and didn't it make you feel great?

Look, Dave, isn't it better to give than to receive?

Better for who?

I'm guessing Howard.

So the flow is a little off.

Oh, my God! What the hell are you doing?

Don't sweat it.

Hey, don't I know you?

That's right. You're my roommate.

God, I didn't recognize you without Billy sitting on your face.

It's a look.

Look over here. I want my cappuccino. I'm working on it.

Dave, can I talk to you?

Yes. In private.

No, work.

We'll duck under the counter. Better yet, we'll talk under the scone of

Look. I left the baby Jesus in the car and he melted.

Oh, my God. First crucified, then melted. What a life.

Not easy being the son of God.

Chocolate. I always knew Jesus was a brother.

Can I have a piece?

No.

Baby, Jesus, the most important part.

You know, you can miss a foot and still be the Messiah, but without a head, what

are you?

Halo and some legs.

What's a nice Jewish girl like you doing with a Christ child in her car? Oh,

it's a centerpiece for my sister -in -law's baby shower.

Now all Tish's born -again friends are going to hate me.

I've killed their Lord.

Again. I say eat the evidence.

You always do in my family.

Billy, can I talk to you?

Yeah, you already are.

What's up?

I mean, I don't want to bother you. Oh, wait one second. I'm sorry.

Hello?

Oh, hi, kiss.

Yeah, everything's going great. I just picked up your centerpiece and it's...

It's smashing.

Smashing?

Huh?

Yeah, I promise I'll wear underwear.

I am not wearing underwear.

What am I going to do? Now I have no more money and no more Jesuses. I think

it's Jesus.

Oh, come on. You can fix that. You just put some daisies in his neck.

Yeah. Then it can be the vase Jesus.

Oh, yeah. You want to go to hell.

Listen, altar boy.

Hello. I'm Jeff.

I'm sorry I'm so grumpy. I guess I'm just starving since someone forgot to

egg beaters.

And they're off.

The age -old battle of the sex.

I just realized I got deviled eggs for a bunch of Christians.

Jesus fucking Christ, what could be more offensive?

I know, I'll arrange them to spell out Satan.

No, darling, I don't think you have enough eggs. Perhaps you could spell sap

tan.

Señora, señora.

Anthony, more mess higher.

What's wrong? Are you blind?

No puedo esperar para darle a la piñata en tu entierro.

Gracias, darling.

gonna love my sister -in -law, Billy.

She's just as sweet as you can be.

She actually isn't that sweet, but she's trying, and I admire that.

I thought you said she was easy to love.

In fact, do y 'all know she slept with more men than all five of us put

together? You mean she slept with more than three men and even one woman?

We'll pray for her.

Well, you can pray all you want, but sexual perverts go straight to hell.

Oh, hi!

Welcome,

ladies! Oh,

what a fetching haircut. What size bowl do you use? All right, everybody,

adjourn to the drawing room.

So much about you.

You sure have been tested.

Well, fortunately, I've always come up negative.

You just got to keep thinking positive. Right.

Billy, this is my friend Kathy. She teaches Sunday school and is quite the

decoupager. There is nothing like the teachings of Christ under a layer of

shellac.

Deviled egg?

My favorite.

Jigs!

You are looking good.

Well, I've been trying to take care of myself.

I just joined a gym.

Well, I didn't just join. I just started going.

And not through the front door, either. Through the window.

There's your exercise right there. Yeah, you know, they say climbing is good for

your lats.

You know, and you get your cardio on when they chase you.

Love that endorphin rush.

Yeah, you know, got to try to stay up. Up is good.

Otherwise, you know, you just feel down.

And I hate feeling down, you know.

But I'm not feeling, you know, down now.

I'm not here.

You know, I'm sort of like here.

You know, knee level, depending on how tall you are.

I got the knee level if you're 5 '8 without shoes blues.

Jackie, I'm really glad you called.

Yeah, you know me too.

I've been feeling lonely, you know. I mean, my two best friends are seeing

other. Not enough for me.

I'm there for you 24 -7. All you gotta do is pick up the phone. Yeah, well.

That's what I did. I picked up the phone, you know, which is good for my

So how much do you want?

Want. It's such a loaded word.

You know, what I really want to do is I want to take off my head and put it

somewhere, you know, but it would just throw the whole room off.

Because, you know, your eyes automatically want to go to the

Honey.

20 bucks.

If you need me.

Remember, you are not alone.

You got her one, too?

Oh, it's okay, girl. Now the baby can listen to Jesus in stereo.

And it's playing my favorite song.

Joseph was a carpenter. He could build

a bed.

I'm just praying that they don't know that they can die.

I sleep in the hay.

It's like the social equivalent to finding a lump.

From Grandma.

I hate that name.

It's a martini shaker. Darling, it's sterling silver.

Believe me, after the baby's born, you're going to have a lot more use for

than for those cheap booties.

Oh, those booties aren't cheap. They're from Target.

Well, that's very thoughtful of you, Grandma, really. But I'll have to wait

I finish nursing.

Donna, please don't nurse. No, I breastfed Billy, and a hideous, endless

it was.

Longest 24 hours of my life.

And then it was straight to the bottle for me.

I went from simulac to drinking Sambuca.

Oh, my husband and I went to Sambuca once. They have the world's largest

panties. And a real good cobbler.

I'm hungry.

Don't get us wrong. This is a wonderful party.

I just think it's time for the cake.

Who brought cake?

Oh, I did.

Well, I think I'll go get that cake.

No sweets for me.

Big enough already.

Oh, no.

You're just the same size as you were on your wedding day, and you were pencil

thin then.

That's right, honey. You eat like a bird, and I don't know what you do to

skin. You look too young to have a baby.

Don't worry, darling.

You've still got plenty of time.

Well, maybe not.

You know, Peg is so cliche and so not here. So, I made brownies.

creamy, but the only thing I could find in the freezer was the sheep placenta

you put on your face. Everyone knows placenta is not an a la mode. It's more

a... Yeah, all right. Laugh if you will, darling, but I still get carded.

Mother, you know that guy at the liquor store is blind.

Nearsighted, darling.

Nearsighted. Lots of people have seeing -eyed dogs.

Those ladies, they're really enjoying your brownies.

Well, he means your brownies.

Antonia!

Those are special brownies made with herb.

Please tell me you're talking about cinnamon.

Nutmeg?

Paprika? Mother!

Darling, I hate to say it, but Antonia has drugged your entire Christian party.

Mazel tov!

Mazel tov!

I never noticed before, but Mary is really dark.

And Joseph is so handsome.

He winked at me.

The donkey winked at me.

Probably not the first time.

Oh, my mommy. They get total fools out of themselves.

Where's the camera?

I really love you.

What's going on here?

Come here.

There's really no easy way to say this.

So here comes the hard way.

Your friends are fucked up.

Billy, they made... have their problems, but they are working on them with the

help of the Lord.

Yeah, well, what I'm trying to say is, uh, have any of your friends ever tried

pot?

Heavens no!

Guess again.

Those were Marijuana brownies? Yeah, it was an accident, Tish.

I cannot believe there were illegal substances in my baby shower.

I mean, thanks.

witted. That's a given.

It was a total accident.

I am sickened and appalled.

Apparently, I underestimated even your capacity for evil. You know, I used to

believe that you were Satan.

But I am wrong. No, you are worse than that. What is worse than that? What is

the worst possible thing?

Prohibition.

Eunuchs. No, no, you. You are the people the devil calls when he wants to sell

his soul. Do you hear me? That's right. Lucifer has you on his feet, Al. Hey,

I'm gay and I love my health. Bravo, darling.

The apocalypse is upon us.

The four horsemen, they are coming.

Where are they?

Where are they?

I don't know, but I hope they've got some pot to replace my Maui.

From what I hear, it's very clean.

Not when it's his day.

And if I mention the man has no taste in music.

I hate John Denver.

I can't believe that John Denver is being mocked by a deaf man.

That's how bad he is.

He would be rolling over in his grave if they found his whole body. No one mocks

John Denver in my presence.

Not only was he America's premier country folk rock songsmith, but he's

Wait, songsmith? Is that like even a word?

Here's the word.

I want out.

No, I want out.

Well, if the two of you aren't out, I don't know who is.

Fine, fine. You know, you guys have irreconcilable differences. If it was

would just break up.

Hey, what do you think?

He thinks we should break up.

Well, fuck him.

Yeah. Fuck you.

What the fuck do I know?

Jackie, if you're in the shower, I hope you close the door because you know I'm

going to peek, honey.

Jackie?

Jackie?

Jackie? Jackie?

Jackie?

Jackie? What?

Reach 911.

Please stay on the line.

Operator will be ready shortly.

Well, this party has just turned.

Oh, go on.

You can say it.

You know you want to.

Shit.

Come on. You can do better than that.

Shit. I can't hear you, darling.

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

You see, I knew you had it in you.

That's right. I'm full of it.

Oh, I feel so lightheaded.

Was there pot in the deviled eggs, too? No, darling, as much as we love you, we

can't afford to drug all your food.

Which one of you ladies is Tish?

Oh, I am.

Did you all invite a minister to the party?

Oh, that's a minister?

No wonder you found Jesus.

Bless you, my child.

You are about to sin.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Okay.

Oh, gosh.

Oh.

Wow.

This is really something.

Is this how y 'all choose to throw a baby shower?

It's not because of the shower. It's because it's Thursday. Last week it was

matador. Come here.

Fucking change. We've been here six hours. If she dies, I'm going to kill

myself. Me too.

I mean kill myself.

I'm not going to kill you.

I mean, unless you ask me to.

Then that would be what a good friend would do. And you see, I'm not a good

friend, because if I'd been a good friend, I would have seen that Jackie

trouble. You would have seen. How about me? I live with this woman.

You know, I mean, how many times did she ask to talk to me? How many times? I

don't know, because I wasn't listening. Well, I wasn't listening either. We were

too busy fucking.

Would you two please hold it down?

We'll try to worry more quietly.

Yeah.

You know, I've been to this hospital before.

Really? Yeah.

About a year ago, I was at this bar in Normandy, over here.

I think it was called Open.

Yeah, I've been there.

Yeah. And I had, like, some beers for breakfast, you know, maybe 12 or

something. And, um...

some Bloody Marys for lunch, so that took care of my grains and vegetables

the day.

Well, balanced diet is very important.

That's right.

And I go up to the bar, I'm having some kamikazes, like five, and, you know,

that's when I realized maybe it was time to run out on the tab.

And then I see this girl, okay?

And maybe it was the furtive way that she avoided my glance, but I knew that

wanted me.

So I suavely stagger over to her, and...

Give her a charming smile and... Show to your dick? That's right. I showed her

my dick.

And seconds later, as I'm blocking her boyfriend's fists with my face, I had a

moment of clarity.

And I said to myself, I said, I said, self,

maybe you should stop drinking.

Which was a shame because they wired my jaw shut and for the next six weeks. I

was on a liquid diet So the next day about my first meeting

Total mess nobody would talk to me except Jackie

She smiled at me she gave me a big hug

Yeah, I remember that cuz three my ribs were broken she's a great

hugger Oh

I've been sober a year. I'd give up every day. That's a bride. If she could

hug me right now.

She's going to be okay. Yeah.

No, that's right.

I mean, only the good die young, and she ain't that good.

I'm sorry. There's no smoking in here.

Oh, you'd really like smoking. I mean, bring in more business and...

I'm going to go outside and have a cigarette.

You want one?

Yeah, but I quit, so... Right.

I'll be right back.

You going to be okay?

Yeah.

Fine. Fine.

Yeah.

Well... I'll be right back.

Okay, God, I know you haven't heard from me for a while.

But then again, I haven't heard you knocking on my door.

Boy, that would be something.

Actually, please don't do that. It would really freak me out.

Although some people say you're always watching, which, frankly, makes me a

little uncomfortable, especially when I'm in the bathroom. But, hey, who am I

judge you?

In any case...

I think it's only fair that I warn you that if you take Jackie, you will be

sorry you ever heard the name Billy Frank, as many already are. You think

is bad. You don't know what I'm like if you mess with me. I'm talking major

wrath here, okay? You get my point? I am saying you need to make Jackie okay

right now.

Okay.

I'm not telling.

I'm asking.

I'm begging.

I'm praying.

Just please, let her be okay.

Let her be okay.

Billy, what are you doing over there all by yourself?

Well, if I told you, I'd have to kill you.

Wow, you don't look so good. I don't feel so good.

I don't smell so good.

I bet I don't taste so good either.

You want to find out?

Not anymore.

While we're on the subject, what's eating you?

Come on, can't a girl come into a bar and sulk without being bothered?

Actually, no. You've got to order something.

That's why I've called Mike's Bar and Bar. Otherwise, we'd call it Mike's Sulk

and Sulk.

I'm sorry.

Not myself.

Why is it when you're not yourself, you can't turn into someone cool like

Cameron Diaz?

Hey, just have a couple drinks. You won't know the difference.

Last time I wanted to drink this much, my friend Jackie stopped me.

Never thought I'd have a girlfriend.

Hey, welcome to my world. Thank God for the Internet, that's all I'm saying.

Oh, you really like her, too. She's beautiful, she's friendly, funny.

Big tits.

Oh, yeah.

Even a bigger heart.

Hook me up. How do I get in touch with her?

Just an intensive care.

Hey, it wouldn't have worked out anyway if she's a lesbian.

An unconscious bedridden lesbian.

But she's got big tits.

I've been looking for you for an hour.

Where's Jackie? Is she okay?

Is she okay?

Yeah, there's no change. They have my pager number if anything happens. What

you doing here?

I said I wanted to smoke, and I'm smoking.

You didn't say you wanted a drink.

I didn't say I had to pee, either. What are you, a fluid sheriff?

No, get off of me, Dave.

I'm just sitting here.

You can order a drink, because that's why we got all this liquor.

Look.

I'm sorry I left, okay? I just, I don't like hospitals, but... I don't like

bars, so let's go. No!

Look, I... I can't leave this chair right now. We have chairs in the center.

Come on, you can sit in one of those. I have sat in those chairs, and so did

Jackie, and their healing powers leave something to be desired. It's not about

the furniture, okay? Come on, we need to go to a meeting right now. Yes, Jackie

went to meetings for ten years. It did her a lot of good, didn't it? No. Didn't

it? If you ask me, this whole thing is bullshit!

It is not bullshit. It is not bullshit. It is not bullshit!

You don't think that I want to have a drink right now? You don't think that?

who's stopping you?

In fact, I'll buy.

Kamikazes, right?

Yeah.

Kamikazes.

Now you're talking. You're serious.

I'm serious about you, Billy.

You're going to flip.

I'll slip right along with you.

You will.

No.

But I'm not going to leave either.

So you're just going to sit here, not drink, watch me get plastered?

I don't know. Am I?