Original subtitles

It wasn't rude to wear your name. It started the longest day.

It wasn't rude to wear your name.

Now I've got to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I've got to see the basics. I don't

know any real.

Where will I find someone who understands?

From where will this ride ever let me land?

I want to do it someplace different.

Okay. How about the couch?

I don't know. We did it on the couch.

You're going to count that?

Well, it didn't make my diary, but when you're in, you're in.

Hey, the wet bar.

Not again.

We never did it on the wet bar.

Besides,

I'm wet enough.

Okay, the floor.

No, you know I don't vacuum.

Okay. Besides, I have a mouth.

Yeah, the two are probably related.

Yeah, in a kind of a disease -ridden sort of way.

You're going to hurt his feelings.

Fuck his feelings, honey. I'm going to hurt my back if we don't find a place.

Are you saying I'm fat?

I'm saying that I'm weak.

I'm at the balcony.

Oh, good. I've never done that on the balcony.

Oh, wait a minute. By myself. Does that count?

Well, if it does, then we can never do it in my sink.

I'm a bachelor.

You're kidding.

Hi,

this is Billy.

How does this work?

Oh, my God. He's rich.

He's rich.

Oh, just an old friend.

How old?

How close?

How close?

Oh, no, no, no.

Strictly. All right.

So

maybe I wasn't

that strict.

Dave, I am really sorry, okay? And I promise it will never happen again.

First thing tomorrow, I'm getting voicemail.

That's so funny. I almost forgot what platonic meant.

Oh, like you're not the biggest whore.

Who's taking away my crown?

Yeah, I sleep with a lot of women, but at least I don't stay friends with them

afterwards. Well, aren't you the gentleman?

Why don't you go home and fuck your sink?

I cannot believe I opened up to you about that.

You know, the first clue that there's trouble in paradise is when one person

calls another person a big whore.

Well, that's what happened in the Garden of Eden.

Adam called Eve a big whore. God became a bouncer and said, what's going on?

Enough of you two. You're out of here.

Yeah, and by the way, those fig leaves look terrible.

They're so day one.

You make God sound gay.

Well, hello.

The constant drama, the flowing robes, and, of course, there's no Mrs. God.

Good point.

Even Santa Claus has a wife.

Yeah, and a million elves running around in tights doing his bidding.

Okay, everybody's gay except me, which is the only thing I really want to talk

about. So, I cannot believe that Dave is being such a... Whore.

Baby. And a whore. He's a big baby whore.

You know, Billy, as your sponsor, I have to tell you, you would be able to

communicate with your big baby whore a lot better if you were doing the steps.

I know the steps, Chad.

Step one, I am powerless over my addictions and my life is unmanageable.

As is my hair.

Well, honey, I can't help your hair, but I can help your life. And you were

supposed to do a paper on step one. Hey, did I tell you I got a new pet?

A mouse.

I was going to kill him, but I was too lazy, and so I adopted him instead and

named him Shlomo.

I know, I know. The other mice are going to make fun of him, but... I fail to

see what that has to do with your homework.

Well, Shlomo ate it.

Your mouse ate your homework.

Hey, I didn't do it, okay? I don't have time to do elky homework.

I am very busy.

I have my job. I have these meetings. My old buddy Rich is coming in to visit,

and Shlomo needs attention. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Old buddy isn't

drinking buddy?

Well, fuck buddy.

Actually, he's more of a chum.

Fuck chum. Sounds like Chinese food. Fuck chum.

Yeah, I get it. Sounds like trouble, no matter how tasty he is.

Hey, Rich is not trouble.

He is fun.

Rich doesn't say, did you do your homework?

Rich says, let's go to Cabo, buy big hats, and fuck on the beach.

Fine. Let's go to Cabo, buy big hats.

I'll fuck Rich on the beach while you do your homework. Rich isn't gay.

Oh, please.

Who else wears big hats?

Let's see.

Keys, sunglasses,

pepper spray.

Ready for work.

I feel like I'm missing something.

Oh, my underwear.

Oh, well.

Wow, that was good timing.

Are those for me, or are you having an affair with my garbage disposal?

Look, don't interrupt me, because I have something very important to say, and I

want it to come out romantic.

I was up all night, I was thinking about us, and I've come to a very important

decision, that I want to be in a monogamous sexual relationship.

with you on a week -to -week renewable basis starting yesterday.

Oh.

Move my coffee table so I can do my cartwheel.

No, I don't think you realize how big a sacrifice this is for me because I'm

going to be willing to put some grade -A pussy on hold, and believe me, it's out

there. Wow.

I'm willing to put some grade -A pussy on hold?

Boy, I wonder why Johnny Mathis never recorded that. Shut up. Come on. I'm

romantic here. I brought you flowers.

And some gum still wrapped and little heaps of random pocket dropping.

Come on, work with me here. I'm wooing you.

On what planet is this considered wooing? Because here on Earth, once

said the word pussy, the woo has ground to an ugly halt.

Okay, grade A vagina.

Does that make you happy?

You know what? You're doing this because Rich is coming. No, I'm doing this

because I want to keep Rich from coming. Oh, so you're jealous.

Why the fuck else would a guy bring flowers?

You know what?

You have just done the impossible. You've actually driven me to work.

Mama, I'm on my

lunch break. I only have three hours.

Darling.

Do you like my hair, darling? I said to the hairdresser, make me young, make me

hip, make me a Spice Girl.

Which one are you, Old Spice? What a horrible little creature you are. Deal

don't cheat.

I won't. So you'll never guess what happened.

Dave came over, brings me flowers, and asks me to marry... him?

Finally!

Ten years ago, I would have said you could have done better, but today, if he

has a dick and a job, I say mouth will talk.

Well, don't go stomping on glasses yet, Mummy. He didn't ask me to marry him.

Oh, don't worry, darling. We'll hire a nanny who'll raise the child of her own.

Mother, I am not pregnant.

Oh, thank goodness. You're better off.

Motherhood, it's a gruesome, tedious, thankless task that I've enjoyed every

minute of.

Thank you. The point is, Dave is getting so possessive. It's like he wants to

own me or something.

Well, actually, he wants to lease me. By the week.

If I could have got your father on that basis.

Right now, I'd be driving a brand new doctor.

Gin.

And remember when we got really wasted on the plane and you wanted to join the

Mile High Club?

We caused so much turbulence, the oxygen masks were dropping.

And when we came out the bathroom, the entire back section started applauding.

Oh, gosh. Perhaps we should have shut the bar. Perhaps. So what?

How's that comeback coming?

Actually, I just did a picture recently.

Oh. My ass did.

I can see why your ass got the part. Oh, oh, oh. Don't do that to me.

So, uh...

Until the movie comes out, you know, a little peek at the trailer.

Oh, I'd love to, but I kind of have this thing.

Well, it's not so much of a thing as it is a... Disease?

No, no. Oh, it is making me a little sick to think about it right now. Whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. How sick?

Okay, there's no easy way to say this. I mean, I never think it's going to

happen to you, but now it has, and I just have to learn to live with it.

Where? Is it contagious? No, no. I have a significant neighbor.

You're fucking the boy next door? Yeah.

Oh, girls who speak English.

As long as he doesn't have a gun, I don't give a shit.

Dave, what's up?

I am.

Rich, this is the guy I was telling you about.

And now I'm not.

So you're rich, huh?

You know, I make a living.

Obviously not a very good one, or else you could afford a hotel.

Oh, actually, I could stay at the Ritz, but the view is much nicer right here.

Rich is a comedian.

He's going to be on The Tonight Show. Yeah.

Dave runs a coffee shop.

Oh.

He just created a new kind of latte. It has way more milk.

David Chino.

Oh, man, nice to meet you.

Yeah. Did you ever notice how people say nice to meet you sometimes and it

really ain't that nice?

You ever notice how people say something that's a joke and nobody laughs because

it's fucking funny?

Come on, why don't you hit me with some of your A material? I bet you've got

some great bits about how you have a really hard time getting laid.

Oh, no, I would have got laid right here if your ass would have taken a stand.

Oh, that's a joke.

That's a joke, because he's a funny, funny man.

Hilarious guy.

Hilarious. I hate comics.

Oh, no, now I feel bad, because I love coffee.

So your significant neighbor is Latte Man?

He sounds like a low -budget superhero.

He defeats his villains by making them all jittery and sleepless.

Latte man!

And his faithful sidekick, Cappuccino Boy. Why, wherever there's a crisis,

have foam.

Poor Dave.

Oh, come on. You don't like coffee.

From what I remember, you love hot chocolate.

That must be the big dick pulley.

My tack dollars at work.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Really? Is that what you hoped?

It's Latte Man to the rescue.

Hey, you got any hot biscotti?

For information, we don't sell biscotti. We have a freshly baked five -grain

muffin that's very tasty.

Please, God, someone shoot me the fuck now.

Dave, I'm sure you have a reason to come here other than promoting the pastries

at the coffee shop. Yes, there's an emergency.

Remember my friend Fred in the coma?

Um, no. Nope. I bet he doesn't remember me either.

No, the hospital just called. It's a miracle. Apparently, he just came out.

He told you he was gay while in a coma?

What? What?

No, he woke up. He woke up and he's been asking for me. Would you go down with

me? Please. This is bullshit.

Excuse me, pal. I was thrown out of a very prestigious medical school. I think

know a coma when I see one.

Well, what an amazing coincidence.

As soon as I show up, your friend pops out of a coma and becomes all gay. Hey,

excuse me. We're talking about a very dear friend of mine who has just come

of a vegetative state.

Oh, wait a minute. I remember Fred now. Don't you call him Cabbage Boy?

Not to his face. No.

Look. Billy, the choice is yours, obviously. But, you know, one of the

important things about being in Addictions Anonymous is that you help

friends. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You back the fuck up.

You're in Addictions Anonymous? Yeah, another important thing is that it's

supposed to remain anonymous!

This is gonna put a crip in our bar hopping tonight.

She's not going bar hopping with you anywhere. Ooh, Latte Man put down his

little foot.

I'm gonna put my foot right up your ass, funny man.

Oh, no, no, you may talk like that to Fred, but I ain't in no coma.

Come on, Jack.

I'll let you know that I was thrown out of a very prestigious boxing school

also. Oh, really? I never heard of a boxing school.

You willing to take that chance? Come on, Rock. Rock, can I see you in the

bedroom? Rock, in the bedroom.

She wants to see me in the bedroom.

Oh, well, just like Latte Man. It'll take a minute.

Two pumps and a little squirt.

That guy's a fucking asshole.

I am not going to let you fight in my apartment, okay? I mean, I just had it

painted. Yeah, by me.

Yes, well, what I'm trying to say is...

Thank you. You're welcome. Now let's go. No, come on. Just sit down. What?

Please. Fine.

You know what?

What? I don't think the cabbage boy woke up. I think he's lying there, even now,

peeing into a catheter, thinking, gee, I wonder why Dave is using me as some

pathetic excuse to ruin Billy's evening. That's not true.

He's never registered any brain activity at all.

Well, see?

You both have that in common. Yeah, but at least we're not going bar hopping

with some old drinking buddy. I'm not going to let you do that.

You're not going to let me? You think because you give me a lousy bouquet and

some pocket droppings means that you can tell me what to do? Nobody tells me

what to do, okay?

Not my parents, not my boss, not my sponsor. Well, they all tell me, but I

listen. These are purely ornamental. Then read my lips. I am worried if you

out with this fucking guy, you are going to end up drinking. You seem to be

forgetting that I have... 58 days of sobriety. Oh, you're a veteran because

everyone knows after 58 days you're scot -free, right? You know what? I am so

sick of you and everyone in the program trying to tell me what to do.

Okay? You're trying to turn me into some kind of a program zombie.

Have to do everything by the book. Step one, step two, step three. You are about

to step into some shit. Yes, well, it is my life and I can step in shit if I

want to. But if you don't watch where you're stepping, you are going to slip

you are going to end up shit -faced. You know what?

What?

Billy, what are you drinking?

Um, Perrier.

You know in French that means pussy.

Come on, girl. Have a real drink.

Okay, okay. I will have an Olsen twin.

What's that?

A Shirley Temple with two cherries.

Joey, another vodka. Straight up this time.

I'll have a scotch and soda.

All right.

No scotch.

This just really breaks my heart.

You used to be an outlaw.

You've gone from Billy the Kid to Billy fucking Graham. Oh, come on. I'm still

an outlaw. Just the other day I considered speeding.

Then I remembered I have a Hyundai and I wasn't going downhill.

Ooh, wild thing.

Come on, girl.

You know you want a sip of this.

No,

I don't.

It's incredible, but I have no desire to drink. I'm just, I've licked this

problem.

You know what? Good for you.

Hey, did you hear about the 12 -step program for people who talk too much?

It's called On and On and On.

You know, I'm really glad I'm doing this. Good.

I mean, I'm out with you, I'm in a bar, I'm not drinking, and I'm actually

having fun.

You know what? I'm proud of you.

Want to try the mash?

Acid?

I don't know about that.

Come on, you're addicted to booze, not acid.

Right. I mean, I've never taken acid before, so how could I be addicted to

Actually, that's the good thing about acid. It's not addictive.

They would have put that on little tabs if they weren't so tiny.

Gee, I wish I would have known that before. I would have taken acid every

No, you don't have to worry about that, baby. The thing about acid is it lasts

for days at a time.

And it's totally safe.

Well, I mean, if I suddenly think I can fly and try jumping off the Hollywood

sign... I promise to keep your feet on the ground. And the worst thing you

do is embarrass yourself by trying to take off.

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, it sounds like fun, but... Come on, girl, you're not using all your

chromosomes. Yeah, I mean, who cares if I have kids with two heads, right?

Baby, two heads are better than one. Right.

They can always join the circus.

Could you please stop eating the corn nuts?

Why? Because they're kind of screaming as you bite into them.

Stop it, you bastard.

What are you doing? I'm rescuing them.

Somebody tripping.

Hey,

man. Tonight we got a real special guest up here on the karaoke machine.

Everybody put your hands together.

From Billy's mom?

Judy!

Did you say my mother?

Your mama.

Go, Pa!

Get some macaroni.

Head out on the highway.

Looking for a bento.

And a really good laser.

Huh?

Huh?

Go.

What happened to my dress?

You're wearing a slip because you slipped.

I'm wearing a slip because it looks fabulous.

Shlomo!

Born to be wild.

My mouth.

Your mouth.

Yeah, you don't see him off on stage?

No, but I see, like, a big vegetable.

Ah! It's Cabbage Boy!

He's good.

I could have had some great egg pussy.

Yes, I could.

Now that comic just thinks I'm a wussy, and that ain't good.

I'd love to get back inside your pad, dear.

That would be the height of romance, dear. Hey, thank you.

How about that latte, man? Huh?

Let's hear it for him.

Hey, honey, where you from?

West Hollywood.

I'm sorry?

Uh, West...

Hollywood. Oh, I heard you. I'm just sorry.

Take it, Billy.

Oh, hi.

I'm Billy and I'm an alcoholic.

Oh, yeah.

Why is this taxi going so slow?

Baby, we've been home for two hours.

Or three days.

Where are we?

I think I know the answer to this question, but just for my peace of mind,

could... Do I have spiders in my hair? What?

Did you do that? Wait. Right there. There's a mouse.

Under your chair.

Oh. Oh.

That's slow -mo.

You're going to do slow -mo. I got some corners for you.

Oh, no, don't pick me.

Sorry, Nick.

I'll never forget you.

Billy, stand back.

Oh, my God! Is that a real gun?

Please tell me that's a prop from your axe. No damn prop comic. I'm a

monologist. Okay, calm down, okay? I'm not even that upset. I have spiders in

hair. Baby, there's a damn mouse in your house.

But he's a pet mouse.

Baby, I'm about to save you from the bubonic plague. Ha -ha!

Ow!

Oh, my God.

You just... killed a $400 shoe.

Could you have shot a clog?

Oh, look, he's behind that damn rug.

I want you to put the gun down right now, okay?

You are murdering footwear. My innocent shoe never hurt anybody except for me.

And do you see what you get? You see what you get?

You. What are you going to do without your soulmate?

Oh, God.

most of my time on the wall.

Never went to college.

Call me crazy, but this might be a good time for you to get some help.

And some cheese.

Corn nuts upset my stomach.

What did I do? Should I call 911? Should I try to knock him out? Run?

My instincts say run, but, you know, that could be a mouse thing.

Well, you know, you're the one being shot at. You could be a little more

here. I'm not the one who dropped acid, asshole.

Don't you know anybody who might be dumb enough to take on a crazy guy with a

gun?

Forget the cheese.

Oh, and you have a spider right here.

What's up, Billy? Come on, let us out of here. Come on, let's breathe.

Okay,

be normal.

Maintain.

Maintain. Spider isn't talking to you. Keep it down.

Yeah.

Have a web in my face, because I think I have a fly in my eye.

What the hell are you talking about?

Have you been drinking? No, absolutely not.

Look. See?

It's Rich. Listen, he's in my apartment, and he has a gun.

What? Yeah. A gun? A real gun? Yeah. And don't ask him if he's a prop comic,

because he'll shoot you. He's a monologist. With a gun. Wait, wait,

Geez. What?

Geez, geez. I think we should disarm the ex -boyfriend, then we'll snap.

Okay? Right. Right.

Yeah.

What does that mean?

I don't know. Okay.

On three. One, two, three.

Hey, did you know they have a computer that will perfectly match

your foundation to your skin tone?

Really? All right.

Give me the gun, Rich.

Who the fuck are you, Kojak? I played a hostage negotiator on T .J. Hooker. Hey,

is it me or is the floor moving?

Where did all this pudding come from?

This pudding.

Hey, we're going to drown. Get out of here before you drown.

Butterscotch pudding and tapioca pudding and banana pudding.

Take yourself.

That guy is not drunk.

Yeah, did I tell you? That guy was bad news. Maybe next time you'll listen to

me. You know, here's the point.

Even if he is a low -budget superhero.

Rude. Rude?

Yes. I mean, it's very rude of me not to thank you.

Thank you, Latte Man?

Couldn't you at least have come up with a more flattering name?

Latte Grande.

It's better.

You're my hero.

Oh, no, no, no. You know what? We can't do it.

Why not?

Because you're melting.

desire for you and i just can't because because you're obviously traumatized i'm

obviously traumatized and that makes two of us three if you include my penis oh

it's gonna take me weeks to coax him out of his shell now yeah you know um yeah

i'm gonna go back to my apartment okay where there are no gun or women who are

fucking with my mind and uh and listen if um if any other psychotic ex

-boyfriends decide to show up uh brandishing a uh I don't know, a harpoon

crossbow, any kind of weaponry that might hurt me, call 911 because I'm

officially off duty. Okay? Good night. Actually, it wasn't good at all.

What a freaky night.

I'm going to bed.

I believe somebody forgot the cheese.

Oh.

Okay.

But, you know, you're a rodent. You're pretty demanding.

Joy, you guys want anything?

Anything? Yeah?

I'll get a drink.