Original subtitles

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I got to see the basics. I don't

know any way.

Where will I find someone to understand?

And where will this ride ever end? Let me land. It was a rude awakening

from the dark of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening and I hope it won't always be this

way. And I hope it won't always be this way.

Getting

pretty good at this.

These aren't even my best strokes.

Yes, your best stroke is your back stroke. I love you. I need you. I

even look at another woman.

Hey, what's your name?

Yeah, as opposed to your freestyle, you can sleep with whoever you want, but if

you do, then you'll regret it for the rest of your fucking life. Come on, I'm

paying you to paint, not talk.

You're not paying me at all.

There's no small wonder with that attitude.

Your TV mom? What, is she going to invite you over for TV dinner?

Here, Billy.

I read about you in the paper. Oh, you see that? I'm in the paper.

Yeah, I should read the paper.

I hate to think of you in jail.

Oh, I read about my DUI in paper.

Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.

Embarrassed? This from the woman who dove naked into the pool at the Bel Air

Hotel? Come on, it was a heat wave. It was the bar mitzvah.

I was the best present little Sheldon got.

Yeah, now he is a man.

Your mugshot was lovely.

Just remember, Peanut, no matter what happens, keep your chin up. Your neck

photographs better.

You see, he is always thinking about me, unlike my real mother, who once took me

to the mall and locked me.

And then took home the wrong kid.

A boy.

He was 19.

That was your mom? I thought she looked familiar.

No.

Gosh, I wish I could make up to my TV mom for all the bad things I did to her.

I wish I could remember all the bad things I did to her.

Well, when you get to step nine... Step nine?

How many are there?

Twelve.

And the term twelve -step program.

I gotta read those brochures. What step am I on?

You're not on a step, honey. You're not even on the curb.

Ooh, and you're on a ladder, Mr.

Painter. Step one is...

Step nine is to make amends to every person you've wronged, which would

me if I had fault.

Every one?

Mm -hmm. I don't have that kind of time.

Tell me about it. I've been on step nine for months.

Tomorrow I've got to make amends to a guy who lent me his car.

Did you wreck it?

Sold it.

I can't wait to do that step with my TV mom, because I really want to show her

how nice I've gotten.

Hey, hey, hey, quit tripping!

Yes, Miss Billy!

You know, maybe it's after I finish painting your apartment.

I can drive you down to the pinky -winky.

Do they sell paint?

I just realized something.

What?

I hate this color.

You know what's funny?

When you asked me to help you paint your apartment, the crazy thing is I thought

that you were going to be painting, too.

Isn't that crazy?

That is funny.

Yeah, it's hilarious.

Bye. Goodbye, Peanut. Bye, Painter.

Thank you so much.

A few lines scrawled on a cocktail napkin is not a contract.

Fine, you want to sue, babe, then go ahead and sue.

Then I'll see you in court, Ma.

No,

I don't know why I haven't been married yet. God knows where I get my issues

with women.

Billy, help me out of this. Save me. Say something.

Uh, Harv, you just got a dozen roses from your boyfriend.

Oh, look, oh, look, I found a look. You've given me a tumor.

Oh, you think this is funny? Yeah. She just booked a flight to the Wailing

Oh, whose idea was the Wailing Wall? I mean, is this the best way to attract

tourists? Paris has the Louvre, England has Buckingham Palace, and all Israel

has is a place to kvetch.

Well, we need that.

I need that.

You know what I need?

The afternoon off. You know, I'd give it to you, but I'd like you to finish that

filing that you started a year ago.

started any filing.

This is important. It has to do with my sobriety. I have to go and make amends

to the people I've wronged. Hello.

Look no further. Let the amends begin.

Oh, come on. What have I ever done to you?

Hey, you just added me to my mother. I'm not even gay.

Oh, and that's my fault?

Okay. Okay. I may have done a few bad things. Oh, a few?

Please, baby, should I list them alphabetically, chronologically,

You know, if I wrote them all down, the rainforest would disappear. Okay.

Okay.

I will make amends to you, but first I'm going to go and make amends to my

mother. Oh, hey, hey, hey. With all due respect, with the hell that my mother

puts me through, I could give a shit about what you go through with your

Well, actually, it's not my real mom. It's my TV mom, Colleen.

Colleen Woods?

The Colleen Woods?

Oh, boy.

She would be so perfect as the lady in Werewolf Housewife.

Go, dude, take.

What are you waiting for? Nothing. I'm going, I'm doing, I'm taking.

Hey, Harp, you can count on me.

Hello.

There, Ma.

You're not done, are you? Just because my character has AIDS doesn't mean she's

let herself go.

Helene?

Oh, Ellie!

My favorite TV daughter.

I'm so glad you're out of that... What do they call it? The big house?

Oh, well, big is a misleading word.

That's his house.

But anyway, I wanted to thank you for your letter. And I hope you didn't worry

about me too much.

Oh, no more than I did when you were still at home.

You mean on the show?

Yes.

Oh, Billy, we've been through so much together.

Do you remember when I had to give you a kidney and we held hands during the

operation?

Yeah, we got a 35 share.

And we blew murder she wrote right out of the water. It just killed Angela.

Oh, with her 60 -minute lead -in.

You look wonderful.

I'm even younger than last time I saw you. Well, according to my publicist, I

am.

Oh, but enough about me. Let me tell you about the new film I'm in. Oh, it's

called Sister HIV.

It's about a tough -talking inner -city nun with AIDS that builds the largest

orphanage in the Bronx.

Wow. How does a nun get AIDS?

Well, it's an incredible scene.

Oh, I'm... Searching through the rubble, looking for a crying baby when I

accidentally step on a dirty needle.

Isn't that fabulous?

Great.

So, I guess you weren't wearing shoes?

No, I had given them to a homeless person earlier that day.

I never even give them change. But you were always so wonderful and I was just

so, well, let's just say not.

So I came here to apologize, which I haven't done since ever. Let me know

I'm done.

What on earth do you have to apologize for?

Well, I came to work drunk.

Usually frowned upon.

And I used to stash cocaine in your car.

That's why my mechanic was always so happy to see me. And oddly peppy.

Plus, I stole $1 ,000 from your purse.

Now? No, no, no.

Why, do you have $1 ,000?

No, I mean when we were on the show.

But I'm going to pay you back every dollar, Colleen, and I'm going to start

right now.

Come here. Come here, my little one.

Oh, I'm so proud of you, Billy.

You are?

Yeah. Of course I am, and I don't blame you. I blame that biological mother of

yours for everything.

Me, too.

Man, this making of men's thing is a piece of cake.

Oh, yes.

Yes, I did it in a TV movie one time. God, you look good.

All righty, sir.

Ew, lavender nail polish.

I always pictured you in a more manly coral.

Paint. Check.

Sorry, Dave.

So you're painting your apartment lavender.

Sorry.

Macho, macho man.

Billy chose the color.

Actually, I wanted to go with sort of a golden rod, which I thought would

accentuate the burgundy in her throat. Oh, my God. I've told her that a dozen

times.

I'm fucking with you, Chad. Sure.

That's what they all say.

One day you're cleaning your fishing rod, and the next day you're fishing for

guy named Rod.

See that?

Sleep with one guy, and suddenly you're a homo.

Chad! Hey.

Chad, I have incredible news.

I just did step nine, and it rocked. What? Yes. What? No. You haven't even

step one.

You can't skip steps.

I can't? No.

Next thing I know, you guys are going to tell me I have to stop drinking.

Oops. Ah!

Now, honey, the steps are numbered for a reason. And that reason would be that

you follow them in ascending order. One, two, three. Seeing a little pattern

emerging here? Yeah, every time I try to do something good, you bug me. See the

pattern emerging there?

Besides, anyone can do the steps in order. I am a step skipper. I was a

star. I never paid any dues.

Maybe that's why they threw you out of the club.

Honey, one step prepares you for the next. And if you don't do them in order,

it's just going to blow up in your face. Wrong.

I went to make amends to my TV mom, Colleen Woods.

I love her.

Oh, my God. I have this gold sequin off her costume from when she toured in

Gypsy with Suzanne Somers.

I have it framed in my foyer.

Foyer.

In my imagination, did it just get gayer in here?

This from a guy wearing lavender nail polish.

Dave.

Oh, gracias.

Antonia, I told you, the beluga caviar, not the cebruga.

Where were you raised? In a barn?

Si, senora.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. You know... We've all had our hardships. I, myself,

went to the simply Dickensian boarding school. You're from my room. You could

barely see the lake, so don't you tell me about suffering.

It's a dog.

Go up. Go up. Porta. Oh, Spanish, honestly. I don't know why I'm going to

this trouble for that health -rights overrated.

Arlene! I was so delighted to get your call. And I was so

delighted to see our daughter.

I think you mean my daughter. I do believe she came out of my vagina. And

didn't, I have got one hell of an hour practice to use.

Wine?

Thank you, but you may remember I don't drink.

Well, actually, I don't remember. Because I do.

Which brings us to my reason for being here.

Oh, I see. You want me to teach you how to drink. Are you the one that taught

Billy all those little lessons?

He didn't drink.

Hey, Jane, fall over.

Vomit, Dick, vomit.

Don't be absurd.

I never read any such thing to Billy that the help read to him.

What do you want?

I came to tell you that you are a terrible mother. I want $1 ,000.

You're fining me for being a bad mother. Oh, oh, no, I don't think you have the

jurisdiction. Oh, is there some new... program that I haven't heard of where

aging TV stars can come into one's home and impose tariffs for bad parenting.

What's next? I forget Billy's birthday and you repossess my jag.

Trudy, your daughter stole a thousand dollars from me and I blame you.

Me? How is it my fault? Because you set a terrible example.

Anything from you, you bitch.

And I never set any example to Billy. Which I had to do. Thank goodness I was

there to step in. Step in? Step in? No, you were hired by NBC and then you tried

to steal it away from me by spoiling her with all sorts of rotten things like

affection and sympathy.

Well, someone had to care for her.

I was there when she lost her virginity.

On the show, but in real life. Who taught her how to pretend to lose it

over?

You make Joan Crawford sound like Mrs Fucking Brady.

It's so easy for you, you see. You've got a team of writers.

You try coming up with the right thing to say when you've got to think of it

yourself. She falls over, she hits her knee. How the fuck am I supposed to know

what to do?

Have you ever heard of a band -aid?

Easy to criticise. You know, when things got sticky, you people just got rid of

her. I mean, God knows, I wanted to replace her myself sometimes, one of

girls from Facts of Life, preferably a thin one, but I kept her.

Well, I wanted to keep her too, but her fan mail was dwindling and, of course,

the only people writing her were prisoners and they're not included in

Nielsen ratings.

It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Oh, God. You were the one who got her fired.

Of course. I had to. I had no choice. She followed in your drunken footsteps

moral staggering.

You're just jealous because you are as barren as the surface of the moon,

unlike your twat, gets the occasional visitor.

Oh, as opposed to yours, which has more traffic than the Epcot Center. Am I

getting my thousand bucks back or not? The only way... I'll get you $1 ,000 out

of me if you rip out my organs and sell them on the black market.

Well, I'd do it, but I'd only get 50 cents for your liver.

Oh, it's only worth a quarter, which is more than can be said for your lousy

kid's job.

Oh, shit.

Hag! All right, shut up.

Ah! Silicon Valley!

Monster, you never... My dear...

I got to get you for that.

You're

enjoying

this, aren't you? I always knew you were a duck.

Maybe

aqua

isn't the best color.

I mean, I know it brings out my eyes, but it's not doing much for this couch.

No. All right? I've painted this room so many times, it's smaller.

Yeah, I think we really better go with the mustard.

But the Goulden's not French.

It was Goulden's before.

No, you know what?

That's it. I have enough of you. You can paint your own damn apartment. Oh, come

on. I would. I would, Dave. But I can never do as good a job as you, Dave. Not

going to work, Billy. No.

Really? I mean, with your big, strong arms and your upper body.

and I definitely can't reach as high as you.

I'll get the paper. Thank you, Dave.

Thank you so much.

And hey, can you get me a Slurpee?

I like a cherry Coke mix.

We'll give you a Slurpee.

I just want to say one thing. Oh, hello.

Hi, rough night?

Mother, what happened to you? Did Antonio finally snap? I just want to

thing. If I kill you now, can I still consider it an abortion?

I'm going to get a Slurpee. Yeah.

You're upset.

Upset? Upset? No. One cannot upset the apple cart.

There might be an upset at a sporting event. Occasionally my stomach gets

but I am not upset. I am fucking pissed.

Okay, wrong adjective.

I've just been mugged in my own home by that talentless fow who played your

mother.

Colleen? What was she doing at your house?

White hooks, for the most part, darling. And if I hadn't had the presence of

mind to fake a seizure and Antonia hadn't rushed in with a hose, I wouldn't

here now.

I am shocked.

I can't believe Antonia saved you. Well, I can't believe, darling, that you told

Colleen that you... Stole $1 ,000 from it. I'm telling you. Here's a tip,

darling, a little tip.

The whole point about stealing is it's done secretly on the QT. I mean, if you

go telling the steely what you've done, then it's more like borrowing, isn't it,

darling? Or it's a pointless practical joke.

I'll remember that for my next heist, okay? I just went to see Colleen to

apologize for the bad things that I've done to her.

What about all the hideous things you've done to me, for which I have yet to

receive an apology?

Let's review, darling.

Let's just begin with your conception. My God, what a hideous moment. That was

grotesque, in fact. And when I say moment, I'm exaggerating. I refuse to

the blame for anything that happened when I was an egg! A lazy egg. Couldn't

have dodged that sperm and saved me nine long months of torture?

If memory serves me, droopy tits are nice. Before you came along, darling, I

tits like torpedoes. But now they have sunk like the Titanic and there are no

survivors on my figure, darling. But have I ever blamed you? Yes, constantly.

first words were, I'm sorry. Words which I have not heard very often, darling.

Particularly that time that you burnt down our beach house. Yes, well, you

shouldn't leave a child alone with liquor and matches.

You were 25.

Okay, that was my bad.

What about the time that you were so hungover that I had to take your SATs

you? If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have got into college.

I didn't get into college. Our scores were too low.

Right.

Almost 300 on the verbal. At least I tried.

Yes, well, and you also tried to give my prom date a hickey.

I gave him more than that. Yes, and you see, Mother, that is why my TV mom is a

better mom than you. Because when I went to my TV prom, all she did was shake my

TV date's hand and made us cookies.

Oh, well, how do you like these cookies?

She is the one who had you written out of the show.

You're lying.

I heard it from her own collagen -stuffed lips.

Oh, and you're the most reliable source of information. Miss a bottle a day

keeps the doctor away.

For all you know, you could have heard her say I was bitten out of the snow.

Or something.

Yes, that's right. It was bitten out of the snow.

Perhaps it was mitten out of the dough, darling.

Yes, well, you know what? I'm going to go ask her myself. All right, do that,

darling. But be very careful, because she's got a mean right hook. So bob and

weave, darling, bob and weave. And if that fails, you fake a seizure.

Okay. And look to you, darling. Oh, not now. There.

Thanks, Mummy.

Oh, my God.

The lighter.

Get your filthy hands off my crippled orphans.

To Betty Davis.

Get your filthy hands off my crippled orphans.

Damn, I'm good.

Mom. Billy.

Back again? So soon.

You know, dear, I would really love to chat, but I'm in every scene, so I...

it your idea to have me written off the show?

Oh, of...

Of course not. You know I don't write. I mean, certainly I'd like to direct

someday. And as you know, I'm already producing. Colleen, please, okay?

I know that my behavior was unprofessional, and anybody in your

have done the same thing. So please, just tell me the truth.

I promise, I won't be upset.

Well, Billy, Peanut, it was me, but I honestly, I didn't have to.

It would hurt me more than hurt you. Not yet, but it will.

Think of the crippled orphans. There are no orphans, you crazy bitch. This is

real life.

You told me you wouldn't blame me. I was acting just like you were when you said

it was the producers who wanted to write me out.

That's what they told me to say. I told you I don't write. I loved you. I

trusted you.

And I screwed up the producers trying to keep my job. Not to mention four

writers, two directors, and that gate guard.

How could he help you? He couldn't. I just thought he was cute.

I'm going to kill you.

Where the hell is he? I'm sorry, Sister. You better be sorry.

Get your hands off of me.

My God, did you used to guard the gate?

Hi, Billy.

Oh, get her out of here, would you? Oh, I forgot one of my amends, Colleen. I

was the one who told the National Enquirer your real aid.

Yeah, I beat the shit out of her.

All right.

My bitch beat up a TV star.

Took six of them to pull me off of her.

Really?

Six.

Ah, you did us all a favor.

I've hated that Colleen Woods ever since she made that women in prison film.

Talk about inaccurate.

The prisoners weren't even attractive.

And she made the big woman the mean one.

That is so fake.

Bend over.

I missed you.

What are the odds that we'd be arrested at the same time?

Again.

It's pretty obvious to me we're more than cellmates.

We're soulmates.

Oh, you made a friend.

Chad, this is Jasmine. Jasmine. Chad.

She's my bitch.

Well, it's nice to see you in a committed relationship.

Thank you.

Thanks.

One other thing.

Get me the fuck out of here!

Okay, well, first, let's talk about how you wound up here, shall we? I'm trying

to remember. I think it's because someone didn't listen to her sponsor.

Someone had to do the steps out of order.

Someone... Has a four -inch cardboard on her phone!

Oh, God!

Thanks.

Where's my bail? Chad.

Honey, you know I'd love to help you, but Boyd's electrolysis does not pay for

itself. What are you saying?

I'm just... saying that I brought cigarettes.

Thanks.

You know, a healthy relationship is based on sharing and respect and

not taking your bitch's cigarette.

Okay? Billy, I do have some good news.

I brought your mother. Bye!

Get your hands off her, you enormous convict!

I'm comforting her. My bitch is upset.

Oh, Billy, what has she done to you? Oh, look at your hair. Oh, I've come too

late. You monster.

No, Mommy, it wasn't Jasmine.

It was my TV mom. Oh.

You were right, Mommy. She's evil. Oh, never mind, darling. Mother's there.

Mother's there. Just as she's always been, darling, since the day you were

dragged out of my womb with forceps as I screamed in pain, darling.

You were in pain.

I still have the dents.

Stimples, darling, stimples.

Come up to bed with me.

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Don't you ever thought they're puffy, you imbecile?

Miss Woods, if I may, I would just like to take this opportunity to say that

I... Wow!

Great makeup.

Wow, it really looks like somebody kicked the shit out of you.

Pardon my language, sister.

Who are you?

Barb Schwartz, remember?

Met at that party, that guy's house.

Add food.

Anyway, I love your work. Oh, God, especially that deaf -dumb -blind chick

played. What was it? Helen, uh, something?

Writers, where do they come up with this stuff, huh?

Security! No, no, no. Please, hear me out. I know you love message pics,

I mean, the handicapped broad, the battered nun.

Wait till you read the message in this, baby.

Werewolf housewife, huh? Trust me. You think other women are cranky once a

month? Whoa, whoa, no, no, no. And the subtext is really beautiful.

It's one big hairy mom, okay, who's totally misunderstood.

No, no, no, excuse me. You know, I happen to be friends with Billy Frank,

that's fine.

Oh!

Oh,

read it. I think it's a good read.

Hey,

hey, hey, look what I did, look what I did. Look at it.

I blended.

the Gouldens with the French's, and it turned out kind of like I like a Grey

Poupon. You like it?

Oh.

That I have to take as a yes.

Take it any way you want it. Just take it.

What happened to you?

I was arrested.

One girl has a lot of time to think things over when she's in the joint.

Oh, good. How long were you in there?

A couple hours.

You want to be my bitch?

Thought you'd never ask.