Original subtitles

Where will I find

someone who understands?

He'll be right with you.

Thanks so much.

So,

here's

the deal.

This guy I'm seeing, and he's not like my boyfriend. He's more like a neighbor

have sex with occasionally.

Anyway, I caught him fucking this bimbo stripper named Ruth, which is the worst

name for a stripper ever. And I need to retaliate by sleeping with a really cute

guy. So this is my long -winded way of saying, what are you doing tonight?

Are you talking to me?

Yes, I'm propositioning you.

Cool.

So, after your meeting, we'll make plans then.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, and by the way, don't tell Harv about this, because, you know, no matter

many actresses I find under his desk, he gets ticked off if I blow one client,

and he's such a hypocrite.

Oh, you're not good friends with him, are you?

Lenny! Uncle Harv! Hey, give me a kiss.

Hey, baby.

Billy, honey, you all right, honey?

Come on, breathe deep.

Harv, when someone is choking, you're supposed to pat their back.

Isn't it funny I always get that wrong, huh?

You met my nephew already, huh?

Am I proud of this character? Give me another kiss, son of a gun.

This little picture writes a screenplay, and I'm producing it, huh? Isn't that

something? Seems like a couple of years ago you were wetting your bed, and now

you are a filmmaker, huh?

From bedwetter to big shot in three quick years. What?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm kidding. This kid is a winner. Hey, tell Billy. Tell that

thing he just won. Very impressive.

Best short subject at the Tulsa Film Festival.

That's all it was?

Really? Jesus, I should start reading your mother's letters.

About that

bed wedding. It was just a couple of months in sixth grade. My parents were

breaking up. I was very nervous.

Are we still going to sleep together?

Not in my bed.

Well, Jelani, out of your mind? You really think I'm going to spring for 25

extras? Who do I look like to you, James Cameron?

You get two.

How am I going to fill the screen with two extras?

I don't know. Make sure they're fat.

Really. You know, and what is this BS about? Going to England for a location

show? Oh, the protagonist gets a Fulbright scholarship to Oxford. That's

she loses her virginity. Crucial plot point.

No, it's a rewrite. Have her go to L .A. City College.

But the character's brilliant.

She'd never go somewhere as crappy as L .A. City College.

That's my alma mater.

Oh, Uncle Hart.

What I meant was, would the seduction of the lead character be believable in

that setting?

Hey, babe, trust me. If you want to go to a campus where virgins are giving it

up right and left, you go to L .A. City College, babe.

Uncle Hart, with all due respect, let's not lose sight of the real goal here.

Which is what, Len?

Make art.

Huh?

What did you just say?

The real goal, to make art.

Gee! What? What do you do that for? Oh, never say that word again in your

uncle's presence. I hate that word. What word? Art?

Gee, is that the kind of filth they teach you in film school, Mr. Potty

Harv, I just got off the phone with Kiki LaFontaine. She's in the hospital.

She can't be in the hospital. She's starring in our film next week.

Fuck that. I have 150 posters already made.

Yeah, well, you know she's got these big fake breasts. Oh, boy.

And the other day she went deep -sea diving, and the water pressure must have

been too much for her, and the implant in her left tit exploded.

Oh, jeez. That's horrible.

Shit! I knew this would happen.

What? You knew her tit would explode?

No, I knew something would go wrong. Something always goes wrong.

Oh,

God, I'm getting a dose, please.

This is real leather. Please, go bleed over the ficus.

Okay, please, go inside, Billy. Read the script. Come up with some actresses

now. Come on, Harv. Already this morning you asked me to make coffee, fax

letters, file a report. And you've done nothing.

Exactly. Why do you keep setting yourself up for disappointment?

Fine.

What? I didn't say ours. No, but you were thinking it.

It feels so good.

Dave.

What? That's not my back.

It's just south of your back, and it seems very tense.

Well, it is now.

Come on, did I say you could stop?

Look at my shoulder. I've been massaging you for three hours. I've lost all

feeling in my hands.

Oh, that's odd. You seemed to have a lot of energy last week when I caught you

rubbing Ruth.

Have any success working out the kink in her cervix? What do I have to say to

make you forget about that?

Ruth is dead.

That's not nice.

Then you're dead. Is that nicer?

Yeah, I wouldn't have to listen to you anymore or massage you. I don't see the

downside there. Don't bite me.

Ow! Did you just bite me?

I told you you were very tense.

Come on.

My turn.

Okay, okay, okay.

It's just amazing.

Yeah, I've been hitting the gym.

No, I'm talking about this script. It's brilliant.

It's called The Education of Samantha Jones, and it's all about this blind

virgin who falls in love with her history professor.

I'll bet she gets an A. No, no, no. I mean, look, it's nothing like the movies

Harv usually makes. It's got tenderness and depth and plot. It has a plot.

Honey, just know Harv is going to screw it up by giving the lead to some

swimsuit actress with big breast guts. Honey, I think my kidney just failed.

Would you ease up? I mean, what it really needs is a real actress,

for that monologue in the cathedral where her lover dies.

Oh, I would kill to play this part.

Don't rehearse on me.

I mean, I'm a good actress, right?

Definitely. I'm a bigger name than you usually get.

Absolutely. And I would be believable as an 18 -year -old virgin.

You could play 18. Yeah, you could. You could.

You could.

I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin.

I'm a good boy. Get off me, you psycho.

You're right back.

The hell did you learn to give a rubdown anyway? Do you have a bra and school of

massage?

Darling, I need your help.

Oh, God.

No, don't be shocked, darling. I'm having an affair.

Oh, please tell me it's catered. Yeah, it is in a way, darling. He's a fry cook

from Paraguay.

Do I have something on my shirt that says I give a shit? Darling, what's your

point? Why are you telling me this?

Darling, he's 22 years old. I'm telling everybody.

I'm sending out copies of his birth certificate with my Hanukkah newsletter.

Look at that. Mother, look, I don't have time for your sick and twisted life,

okay? I'm busy playing mind games with you. I know.

Just wait, darling, because you see, this is where money actually needs your

help. You see, Xavier and I, well, we kind of need a new place to meet, so I

just wondering if perhaps I could use your apartment.

No way!

Absolutely not. Mother, you are completely out of control, okay? If a

-looking man so much as speaks to you, you can't resist.

Oh, that is so ridiculous. I am in total self -control, and my behavior is

always completely appropriate.

I've been here waiting to be massaged whenever you're ready.

I'll be right in.

What?

Give me that rose, Dave.

Uncle Harv, I know we can't afford to shoot the love scene at the beach, but

switch it to a public restroom?

I mean, it's unsanitary.

Hey, I've had some of my best sex in a public restroom. Don't knock it till you

try it, kid.

Harv, I read the script!

It's brilliant!

Lenny, what an amazing piece of work!

And I have got the perfect actress for you.

Billy Frank.

I'll work for free.

We found our Samantha.

Why don't you try this new drink that I just invented?

It's smooth. It's sweet.

It's irresistible.

I call it David Chino.

Bitter and...

Hard to swallow.

Funny. That's what I said right before I became a lesbian.

I'm going to choose to ignore that because I need your advice.

Now, as a lesbian, when you piss a girl off, what do you do to make up with her?

Well, I... And dildos cannot be involved.

Then I got nothing for you.

I don't even know why I'm bothering with this girl, you know what?

She's not that special, really. She's not. I don't need that. I don't need

torture. I don't need this heartache. You know what?

I'm moving on. It's over. I'm moving on.

Maybe I should write her a poem.

Yeah, sure.

What rhymes with pussy wit?

I got the part!

Yeah!

I got the part!

Great.

It's so wonderful, and I'm going to be playing a blonde virgin.

Wow, a virgin.

You're going to have to act your ass off. You know, I don't use the O word

lightly, but playing a character with a disability is a fabulous way to win an

Oscar. David Chena.

And you're all invited to come to the set with me and watch history in the

making. I want to propose a toast.

David Chinos.

Can I have a soda?

To Billy's triumphant comeback.

And to a long and fabulous ride on her coattail.

Beach!

Beach! Thank you.

Thank you. Future hangers on.

And when I'm back on top, I promise to remember all the little people who

supported me.

And I will crush those who have opposed me.

You are so Evita. I know. Thank you.

Oh, shit.

You know, darling, somebody's been blind drunk so many times. You'd think you'd

be better at this.

That's nice, Mom.

Mock the blind girl.

Maybe later this afternoon you'd like to tease a gimp. Oh, wonderful, fabulous,

darling. I've written my appointment book.

Come on, Mom, get off my back. I think I'm rehearsing here. I mean, it's hard

enough to play a blind girl, but I'm also supposed to be an 18 -year -old

virgin. Yeah, oh, yes, darling, 18.

Yes, 18 all the way. Oh, it's 15 in some lines. Really?

Great. Yeah, I've been rehearsing all afternoon.

It shows, darling.

So how's your fry cook?

Sizzling.

Still haven't found a place to rendezvous.

Tell me the truth, mother. What does a 22 -year -old get out of having an

with a woman your age?

Darling, he gets romance. He gets passion. He gets a tour through the

landscape with a very experienced guide.

And? A green card. I knew it.

I knew it.

Boy, and those immigrants in Ellis Island thought they had it bad. They...

Mother. No, don't. Blind girls should not be sarcastic, darling. Very bad for

their health.

By the way, where is this divine monologue that you keep telling me

No, those were just delivered. They're the new pages.

Oh, is it before or after your nude scene?

What?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I'm going to castrate her with a pole puncher.

Pardon? Because it will take a really, really long time. I can't believe it.

not going to get undressed for this rat bastard.

Oh, funny. That reminds me of my honeymoon.

Oh, memories.

How's your weight, darling?

So, Lenny, huh?

Am I right?

Huh? Do you like?

It's great. It's great.

Harv? Our star.

You bastard.

Lunch! I saw the new pages. You didn't tell me there was a nude scene.

Oh, boy, if I had a nickel for every time I heard an actor scream that. You

know, you tricked me. It was Uncle Harv's idea, and I was against it, too,

first. But then I thought about it, and I realized, if anyone can pull it off,

you can.

I mean, Billy, your body, it's glorious, beautiful work of art.

Why do you keep doing that? It's the only way you're going to learn.

I mean, this is sleazy, Harv, even for you.

If you wanted to see my tits so badly, why didn't you just ask?

I have, repeatedly.

And why all of a sudden so modest? I mean, what's going on, Billy? You know,

before you got sober, you used to take your clothes off at the drop of a hat.

Not at the drop of a hat!

Unless the hat was filled with coke.

Hey, listen, we can't afford any coke on this budget. We can't even afford a

hat. Or a bra, apparently.

I mean, look, Harv, the only reason I used to rip my clothes off was because I

was a drunk, okay? It was like the alcohol had this voice whispering in my

Hey, Billy, you're gorgeous.

It's in the world. Show them. Especially the right one.

Oh, the right one.

Billy, lots of great actresses have shown their breath. Right. Glenn Close.

Oh. Helen Hunt. Susan Sarandon.

Oh, Kate Hepburn. Oh, please. Catherine Hepburn never showed her breath.

Yeah, well, that's only because she never had your rap, baby.

Look, I mean, breasts are beautiful.

They're the windows to the soul.

That's the eyes, you putz.

Whatever. Billy, you still have that great monologue. That's right, the

monologue. And once people see you in that, you're going to be able to write

your own ticket.

Absolutely. Hey, let's face it, doll babe, the only ticket you've had lately

DUIs. Okay, listen.

These are my conditions and they are non -negotiable. Okay.

There has to be a close set. You got it. I have to be shot from the right side.

Right. And there has to be dim lighting.

Done.

Who can afford lights?

Oh, darling, I must compliment you. You know, I have never seen you work out

with such gusto.

Oh,

if I'm going to be filmed naked, I have to get in shape. I have to tighten up my

abs, firm up my butt and lose ten pounds.

When do you film this nude scene?

Tomorrow.

Oh, God, I hate my body, Mother. Look at my thighs. They're huge.

Oh, darling, think of them on the big cream, darling. They'll be massive, like

tree trunks.

Big, white, quivering sequoias.

Mother, you're not exactly making it any easier for me to walk out of my

dressing room totally nude.

You have your own dressing room, darling.

Is it big? Is it soundproof?

What? Why?

Um, no reason, darling.

Well, then what?

Why don't I come down to the set tomorrow and I'll stay all day and help

through your ordeal? How's that?

A little frightening, actually.

You know, darling, I...

That really hurts me when you say things like that. But I am your biggest

supporter, darling.

I want nothing more than to chase away these ridiculous insecurities.

Thanks, ma 'am.

That's really sweet.

I wouldn't stop with the crunches, though.

I'm better than Pete, darling.

I just don't give a rat's ass. You don't need a dolly. What kind of cameraman

are you, really?

I mean, we supplied you with a perfectly good shopping cart.

Which, by the way, pal, this has to be back advanced by six. Thank you.

There's our Samantha.

How are you feeling, baby doll?

A little nervous.

Do not be nervous. I promise you that Hall will shoot these nude scenes with

with respect, dignity, and class.

Now get over to makeup. They've got to oil you down.

Wait, wait, wait. What?

Why would a virgin need to be oiled unless she's going to be sacrificed?

Oh, great. You've got the new pages.

Lenny!

What?

I'm so ashamed.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what happened.

I'm a whore.

Oh, and so is Samantha.

How did I go from being a shy college student to a hooker on the dot?

Heavy student loans?

Oh, I'll match that.

Who are they?

Uncle Harv said we needed more nudity.

Hey, come on. I told you, the more the better. Look, we have to appeal to the

average teenage boy.

If I stand naked with those women, I'm going to look like the average teenage

boy, Harv.

Don't worry about it.

But you're not just going to have to stand there.

You're going to be running.

Running? Running.

I'm going to be running nude?

Not nude.

You're wearing heels.

Heels. Heels. Why would a hooker who's blind run nude through the shipyard

in heels?

Why? Because she's being chased by the slasher. Why?

Slasher? Yeah. Oh, my God. Suddenly I'm being chased by a slasher? Oh, why?

This poor chick, all of a sudden, because she's blind, she has to be,

slashed to bits by a loading hook? I ask you, how can you be any more cliché

than that? This is ridiculous!

Samantha is blind!

I mean, how could she, you know, maneuver her way through the docks? She

maneuvers her way through the docks with the help of her two sorority sisters,

Lola and Ginger.

But where did Lola and Ginger come from?

Where did they come from? They came from... Well, you established them in

nude pillow fight. Oh, God.

I'm getting a nosebleed again.

Harv, how can you do this to me?

Oh, Billy, Billy.

Well, granted.

Okay, there's a little nudity, okay? But you still got your monologue.

You're going to act the hell out of it, huh?

That's right. That's right.

If I could get that on tape, I would get on ER like that.

Quicker than that.

You're an actress again.

And it beats the hell out of being a secretary, am I right?

Yeah, that's right.

That's my little girl now. Come on, come on.

Please go get undressed.

Hey, baby, you pro.

Listen, by the way, on the way back, grab me some coffee, will you?

Okay.

Lola. Hi, honey.

Listen, I want to talk to you about your motivation for the new pillow fight,

okay?

All right.

Surprise, darling.

I brought a few things from home so you'd have a lovely oasis to relax in on

your big day. Oh, it just screams oasis.

Well, I think this is how Martha Stewart would decorate if she had sex.

Oh, so that's the problem.

Is this me on the bare rug?

Yes, darling. I brought that in to show you that this will not be your first

time nude in front of a camera. You compromised yourself years ago.

Thanks so much for coming here.

I mean, this is the worst nightmare. I just... I don't know what to do. I feel

so insecure.

Oh, darling.

What do you have to be insecure about? You have been adorable since the day you

were born.

I mean, look. Look at this picture. There you are. Look, you see those

little thighs and pudgy little bottom and, oh, the short legs and the rolls

rolls and rolls. Enough with the picture!

Excuse me.

Is this stage 11?

Oh, I'm sorry. This is a closed set. There's absolutely no visitors, okay?

We're friends of Billy Frank's. You know, the star.

Oh, really?

Oh, come on in.

I'm Harp Schwartz, the producer and Billy's boss.

Oh, yeah. I've heard a lot about you. All of it good, I hope?

Whatever. Huh?

Hey, listen. Hang around. Find yourself a place to sit. We're going to start

shooting soon.

Thank you. Stay out of trouble.

Okay, Dave.

She'll get some points for this, huh?

Take some time off from work.

Bring her a little gift basket. That'll definitely translate into a major

fuckfest. You expect sex for fruit? Come on, Dave. What is she, a monkey?

Fruit cannot buy you a fuckfest.

Well, I can't afford jewelry. There's nothing between diamonds and produce.

A cat?

What, a wok?

I don't know. I'm horny and I'm on a budget.

You're a hawk, but can I have a grape?

No, you cannot have a grape.

Don't take the tone with me, pal.

All right?

Now, I'm going to prove you both wrong. This is a very impressive basket. Thank

you. This is a fuck -worthy basket. Look at me. I got mangoes. I got passion

fruit. I got a... I don't know what it is. It cost me six bucks.

Who doesn't like cassavas?

So last night, I went home with Kevin Spacey. I think she means Kevin Bacon.

Everybody, places!

I know you're probably very busy, and maybe your first priority isn't a

desperate actress in a low -budget nudie, but please, I have endured every

humiliation a woman can today with one exception.

So, when I do this new scene, please, I'm begging you, don't let me start my

period. Please.

Let's roll!

Rolling.

Sound!

Speed!

The flashing of Samantha Jones. Take one.

Mark.

Do I, uh...

Get this. Say action.

Hey, it's your movie, babe.

Action. Louder. Action.

Hey, Harv, am I still blind?

Just run.

Run. Okay.

And slasher.

Well, at the moment, being upstaged. Put some clothes on.

I cannot believe that you would do this. Young lady, this was not the way you

were brought up to behave in front of company.

She's always embarrassing me like this.

Focus, focus.

Think green card.

Think how squalid his life must have been in Paraguay if this was a step up.

you didn't come here to support me. You just came here to get laid.

The two are not mutually exclusive, darling. And all those nice things you

to me, they were just lies?

You're not all alive, that's fair.

Is that baby in the picture even me? No.

No.

Where were we?

Here. Come.

Oh, more masks, darling, more masks. Oh, Xavier.

Well.

Hey, Wilma. Come on.

I thought you looked... Just don't.

Where's Jackie and Boyd?

She had to drive him home. You know, that's as close as she's been to a

since the day he was born.

She had to spank him to get him to breathe again.

Billy!

Congratulations, you did it.

You got through it.

Thank God it's over.

Now I can just...

Put it behind me and focus on the rest of the film.

No. I'm going to blow you away when I do that monologue.

What?

Lenny?

Didn't you get the new pages?

No.

Oh, Lenny.

I don't think you realize how important that monologue was to me.

I mean, did you ever have somebody just reach into your chest, grab your heart,

and rip it out?

No.

Well, you're about to.

Calm down, calm down, calm down.

I mean, right, this isn't Gandhi, obviously, although you did look very

You're the star of a movie.

And even if it's, you know, not the greatest movie in the world with a

it's, you know, it's a movie, right?

It's a start.

That's right.

That's right. It's true.

You really think I looked okay?

I mean, when people see the movie, they're not going to be, like, looking

big thighs.

That's nuts.

Honey, they're not even going to be looking at you. They're going to be

at the other two.

Oh.

I'm going to suffer for that, aren't I?

Big time.

Yeah.

How bad they're going to be?

I don't know.

Why don't you go in my dressing room while I think about it?

Take the fruit.