All language subtitles for Rude Awakening s01e07 Dont F the Stripper

No matter where I go, somebody's got to
see. I got to see the basics. I don't

know any way.

Where will I find someone who
understands?

I really should get going to work.

Unless you can give me a reason to stay.

Um... No.

So that's it. We finished 30 seconds
ago. What am I?

Well... Leaving.

Really? I can go?

I don't have to talk to you or cuddle?

Thank God I love you. And I don't mean
that.

And I don't believe you. And it doesn't
matter.

Because I'm not looking for a
commitment.

In fact, the only way that this could be
better is if you were married and

living in Buffalo.

Why Buffalo? No, no, I hate Buffalo.

Well, I think that's something that you
need to work out with your wife.

Who cares about her?

Well, I obviously don't.

This is so great.

Because you know what I wish?

If right now you turned into a breakfast
burrito and a sports section.

It is so good that we don't have to
pretend when the sex is over because

so much pretending during sex that I
just like to relax afterwards.

How much pretending are we talking
about?

Well, it's not so much pretending as it
is acting.

What? I mean, worrying.

Shouldn't you be shuffling off to
Buffalo?

I'm going to take a later flight. What
pretending?

Come on, what worrying?

Well, you know, like the stuff I didn't
worry about when I was drunk. Like, how

was I?

You were great.

Really? I think two of my feelings fell
out.

That is the nicest thing anyone's ever
said to me.

No, I'll see you around. Yeah.

Say hi to the kids.

Do you know that you are every guy's
fantasy?

Gorgeous, horny, emotionally shut off.

Oh, thanks. I've been burying my
emotions for years, darling. Got in the

somewhere. I don't remember where I put
them. You know what I say?

Who needs emotions? They just screw
everything up.

Oh, exactly.

I mean, how many relationships have they
ruined?

Like, the last thing you want when
you're fucking someone is feelings.

I mean, from the neck up.

I mean, it's like you're me, right? I
mean, most people want a meaningful

relationship. I want a meaningless
relationship.

I'm the guy for you because I'm going to
expect absolutely nothing.

And absolutely nothing is what you'll
get. So what we have here is nothing.

Exactly.

Well, some of the best nothing I've ever
had.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

What? Oh, nothing.

Really? Oh, baby.

Oh,

that's not bad enough.

He's going to kill us if he finds out we
did this. Oh, he's not going to find

out. Just pretend nothing happened.

Nothing did.

Several times.

Hey, Chad. Hi, Jen.

Oh, my God. You two fucked.

How'd you know?

Way to cover there, Billy.

I always know when people have had sex,
even when I don't want to know. It's a

curse. She and your parents must be
tough. You have no idea.

Dave, I told you to stay away from her.

Hey, whatever he did to me, I did to him
twice.

Oh, nice.

Billy, I have to say, as your sponsor, I
am more disappointed in you than I was

in the Ellen finale.

Oh, Chad, I mean, I'm not a newcomer
anymore. I just got my 30 -day get -out

-my -panties speech.

I thought that we were talking about you
being celibate for a year.

Right. Look at him.

Could you wait a year?

We're not talking about me. Sex is
dangerous at this point of your sobriety

because it stirs up all those feelings.
Not here. Not me. No way.

No way. No way.

Oh, there'll be no problems in this
relationship.

No, we're not having a relationship.
We're just having sex. And it is so much

more fun when I'm sober.

Before I kept passing out during all the
best parts.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

You see, and that story has no effect on
me whatsoever.

Do you still have that outfit?

Yes, and if you're a good little boy,
I'll show it to you later.

I'll be good.

Billy, I don't care what you say.

Underneath this... A thin layer of
denial is a huge pit of emotion

love me, love me, love me. No, relax.

Nobody is using the L word here.

Or maybe lube again.

And for your information, many guys have
a habit of falling in love with me.

Really? Well, Dave has a habit of
screwing every girl he says hello to.

sometimes he only gets to...

Look, you're just jealous because you
can't have him. Oh, I bet I could, is

I'm saying. But that's not the point.
The two things that people usually drink

over are sex and money.

Okay, then I will make a solemn promise.
I will not fuck Dave.

I'm a huge pile of cash.

No, no, no sex.

Your sobriety has to come first.

My sobriety does come first.

And then I come.

Oh, God.

Come on, is that so bad?

I got a coffee commitment. I answered
phones. I got a sponsor. And let's not

forget the prayer attempt.

What else is there?

Well, lots. For instance, you haven't
reached out to anyone else in the

Except Dave.

And Dave doesn't really need your help.

Dave needs my help, but that's another
story.

Reaching out. Okay, I am not Diana Ross.

Okay, and I am not Gladys Knight.

Though I did fuck a pip.

Anyway, you need to stay sober. And in
this program, you do so by helping other

people stay sober.

How many people are we talking about?
Because I really don't like people.

that's good, Billy, because people
really don't like you. But let's try,

we? I have this vision. It's a fantasy,
really. And in it, you are being nice to

someone, and you're actually talking to
them. And when they talk back to you,

believe it or not, you actually listen.

What?

Find a woman in the program, offer to
help her, and give her your phone

Every time I come here, there is some
new, crappy, boring, helpful shit I've

to do for somebody. I mean, this is
going to end me up in the Peace Corps,

living in a mud hut and waving away
flies and teaching pygmies to irrigate.

Don't be silly. The Peace Corps would
never take you. Your sunscreen needs

would disqualify you.

Not to mention your personality.

Diana, just a guess.

Lack of canoeing skills. Fine. Okay, if
I reach out to someone and give them my

number, will you get off my back about
Dave? Yes. I'll even get off Dave's

Dave's back.

Oh, look.

Look, look, look.

There's a new face.

Go on, Diana.

Reach out and touch it.

Oh, God.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine, okay? I'm here
to help you. Can't you tell when

somebody's reaching out?

Uh, not really.

I always misread people.

Like the other day, there was this Girl
Scout trying to sell me some cookies,

and I sprayed her with mace.

In hindsight, I can see that there were
clues.

The uniform, cookies.

Yeah, and the fact that she was eight. I
think I'm going to reach out to someone

else. Oh, okay, well, that's fine. I'm
only in town for two days anyway.

Oh, well, in that case, you know, if you
feel the need to drink, call me.

Because I am there, and I care.

My name's Ruth, by the way. Yeah,
whatever.

Yeah, hello.

Hey, did I wake you?

No. You want to come over?

Yes.

This is for sex, right?

No, I'm calling you at two in the
morning wearing a teddy because I want

about my day.

I'm doing a really neat trick right now
with a towel.

Let me guess. Is it hanging from your
dick?

Yeah.

I bet I can do a better trick.

Yeah? Yeah, let's just say it involves
sword swallowing.

My towel just leapt for joy.

I'll be right up.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You've got to say the magic word.

Abracadabra? Hocus Pocus?

Nope. I won't come in your mouth.

Bingo! Oh, holy crap. Hold on.

Hello?

Ruth?

Yeah, I remember. The one that said you
didn't need any help.

Malibu? Look, I'm not driving all the
way to Malibu to pick you up from a

that I was not invited to.

Hey, is anybody good there?

Oh, him.

No, no, no.

Look, I want a drink, too, but do you
see me calling you up and bothering you

about it?

Fine. Fine.

Okay, just look, whatever you do, don't
tell Posse I'm coming because I owe him

money. Hold on.

Dave? Yeah? I gotta take a rain tag.

What? Yeah, I'll call you later, though.

Okay.

There goes my trick.

Thanks, Billy. I really owe you one.

Yeah, the one plus gas money.

And again, I am so sorry about Patsy. I
had no idea he was out there. I mean, I

was just as surprised as you when he
jumped on the car like that.

You told the police the people I hated
jumped on the car. It's the first time

actually happened.

Anyway, thank you so much for letting me
stay.

I hope I wasn't too much trouble.

Too late.

You don't need anything, do you? I could
use a blanket.

Yeah, well, you should have thought of
that before we went to the party. Good

night.

Now, hold on a second. All right,
Gunter, let me get this straight.

Okay. Your villain is a maggot the size
of a Kmart, right?

With an appetite for human entrails?

Oh, it's sensational.

Plus, I can get entrails also for my
cousin. No, no, I love the idea, too.

Brainstorm, I got the title.

Are you sitting down for this? Ready?

Maggot. Yeah.

Fantastic, right? Okay, listen.

When's my car going to be ready?

Tuesday? Fantastico. Okay, I'll pick up
the first draft then.

Okay. Hey, Duncan Shane, right back at
you, baby.

You are letting Gunther, the mechanic,
write a script?

I mean, he barely speaks English.

And his spelling is still better than
yours.

Oh.

I hear the phone ringing. Who's going to
get that?

A machine.

Listen, I have to tell you something
great, okay?

Last night, first time in my life, I
actually helped somebody.

Mm, film at 11.

I drove all the way to Malibu in the
middle of the night without cocaine even

being involved.

So what are you saying? You can't answer
the phone without a little blow? No,

I'm saying I helped this poor, desperate
woman who was about to get wildly drunk

and do God knows what.

Is she pretty? What's her name? Who
cares? The point is how great I was.

I mean, I opened my arms, my home, my
heart. Well, not my heart. Oh, Bella,

listen, with all due respect, unless
this story ends with you...

Opening your legs.

I'm not that interested in that. Well,
if you are not going to support my

progress, then I'm just going to have to
go to lunch.

Lunch? Hey, what are you, crazy? Come
on, it's 11 o 'clock and you got here

late. That is what I'm saying.

Darling.

Thank God. You are my only hope. The
vagina's after me. She's sucking the

out of me.

Now there is an idea for a movie.

Vampire vagina.

Oh, that is revolting. But if it's going
to make money, I want ten percent.

Three. Eight. Five. Done. Now, I want to
produce the credit.

Okay, Mom, what are you doing here? I
mean, where's his... Darling, she's

ditched in the lobby. She's forced me to
go baby shopping with her. You know I

can't be seen nearer back than that.

I can't let any of my friends think that
I'm going to be a grandmother.

Relax, Mother. Most of them don't even
know you're a mother.

I have achieved that, darling, with
great cunning and subterfuge. And

occasionally locking me in a closet.

Well, I always gave you a little book
and a flashlight.

And an endless supply of vodka, I'm
guessing. All she wanted.

Listen, darling, Tish is going to be
here any minute. Say that you need me

something. Hey, how about answering the
phones?

Can you answer the phone?

Does anyone in your family ever pick up
a phone, seen a phone, ever heard of a

phone?

There you are, Grandma.

Oh, fuck.

You know, that elevator door shut right
on my jacket.

But here you are.

harm done except possibly to that
jacket, which, frankly, is a blessing.

Huh, Billy?

Hey. Oh, my.

Oh,

she must have a medical problem.

Uh, Tish, this is my boss, Harv
Schwartz. Harv, my sister -in -law.

Very nice to meet you.

Darling, hope I'm not late for our very
important lunch. What do you mean late

lunch? What are you talking about? What
time do you guys get up? What are you,

dairy farmers?

Yeah, pasteurization is a bitch. Oh, and
homogenization. Let's go, darling.

What about the baby shopping?

We don't even have a crib yet. Where's
the baby gonna sleep?

Details, details, darling. I kept Billy
in a drawer till she was three.

Yeah, that's why I'm so short. And
afraid of file cabinets.

See you tomorrow.

Are you going to get... Oh, thank God.

I thought I was the only one who heard
that. Oh, God, ringing in my ears, brain

tumor. I was starting to worry.

Oh, God, you poor thing.

Oh, here.

Hello?

Harv Schwartz Productions. Harv Schwartz
Productions.

Why? Why, why, why, why, why?

Just a moment.

It's a lady friend of yours.

Though at the moment, I'd be hard
-pressed to call her a lady.

Hey, look.

If she's pregnant, I am not here. I'm
sorry. He just stepped out.

To hell.

You going down?

Would you like me to?

Well, um... Hey.

Get out of the app.

Um, by the way, my name is... Jesus
Christ!

Oh, lady, please.

No more.

I'm semenless.

Plus, I can't feel my legs.

I'll feel them.

No.

Hey, Dave.

Oh, shit.

Shit. Shit.

Hold on.

I'm ready to see that towel trick now.

Did you show that towel for me?

Get dressed. Oh, God. Oh, my God. God,
just calm down, okay? It's not like you

need a wipe or anything, right? Your
wife's in the bubble. Come on. What's

on? Nothing.

That kind of nothing.

Hey, Billy.

You know her?

Well, obviously not as well as you do.
We just met. Really? Well, most people

shake hands, Japanese bow.

What fucking country are you from? Oh,
Kansas.

Oh, I know what you're thinking.

But don't worry, I didn't drink.

Well, whoop -dee -fucking -do.

Come on, now, don't be upset. No, who's
upset?

Well, I am if no one has that.

Well, I am happy.

I am. I mean, I helped Ruth, you know,
and Ruth...

you know helped herself to you and
clearly you couldn't help yourself you

me there was nothing between us there
isn't and this proves it anyway i have

go because there's so many other pretty
girls that you know i have to help she

thinks i'm pretty

No, senora.

The missus no after home.

Mother?

Billy. You come in quickly. Keep away
from the windows.

What is it? Oh, is it tax time again?

No, darling. Worth the vagina. She won't
leave me alone.

After our lunch together, she trapped me
down like a bloodhound. After the polo

lunch, I was just about to score with
this divine Honduran towel boy. She

running and she's yelling, Grandma!

Come on. Thank God he didn't speak
English and he had a cabana to mop.

Done, darling.

This is why I come here.

Oh, no matter how many problems I have,
it's hard to think about them when I'm

pretending to be G .I. Joe. Ow!

Oh, you all right, Joe?

Oh, yes, yes. Mother, go on without me.

Save yourself. Yes, I will, darling.
Anthony, I'll get in here. The troops

hungry. Oh, she's probably stuffing
steaks into her brandy.

crudités. I really feel like a tuna fish
sandwich.

Y yo siento que mi idea de nadar hasta
este país fue muy precipitada.

God, she's so slow.

Darling, everything all right?

Oh, great.

Just walked in on Dave with a half
-naked wand.

Oh, I see, I see.

Half -naked.

Yeah. What are you doing?

I mean, why are you winking?

What? Don't, because you were winking at
me. I mean, I am polite. If someone

winks at me, I wink back.

I'm not winking.

You're twitching. Oh, that's it, you're
jealous. A mother always knows.

Oh, well, then how would you?

I'm not jealous.

I mean, why would I be jealous? You
know, I mean, Dave can sleep with

wants. I don't care. If you expect
anyone to believe that, you're going to

to get an iPad.

Just a minute. How can I be jealous if I
don't have any feelings, Mom?

Oh, I wouldn't know, darling. I haven't
felt anything in years.

Thank God for the Valium.

Mother, you're not supposed to drink
alcohol when you're taking Valium. It

so right on the bottle.

What are you talking about, darling?

Look, all it says is Sonoma 1996.

Not that bottle. I mean the Valium
bottle.

Darling, don't be absurd. I know.

Take my Valium with Chardonnay. I take
it with water.

And then I drink my Chardonnay.

Oh, an eye patch?

That all you need is a little parrot and
a peg leg and you're set. It's not

funny. Okay, see?

I'm twitching.

Twitching you are.

It's a sign of tension. It's stress.

Personal problem. It's Dave. Told you. I
told you. You told me to reach out,

okay? You practically threw me into that
dyed blonde hole with the perkiest tits

I've ever seen.

If you've seen her tits, you have
reached too far.

I didn't reach for them.

Dave reached for them. Oh, really? And
who told you he would?

Don't tell me you told me, okay? This is
all your fault. How?

I haven't figured it out yet. I'm too
busy twitching.

But you are still sober. Oh, shut up!

Meeting time.

Pirates first.

Arg. Arg.

Billy, there you are.

Listen, wait, wait. I want you to know,
I was up all night. I didn't sleep at

all. Oh, really?

With who?

Oh, my God, what's wrong with you,
right? Oh, wouldn't you like to know?

Honey, honey, I want to apologize, okay?

I know what I did was wrong. It was
inconsiderate. I never want to put you

through something like that again.

Except from now on, if I get a woman in
my apartment, I'm going to put a sock on

the door.

I will give you a sock.

Hi, Dave. Hi, Philly.

Oh, eat me.

Okay.

It's an expression, Ruth.

Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be
a bumpy meeting.

So, in short, if you're going to piss on
the floor, and I'm not pointing any

fingers, Lou, please bring a mop.

All right.

Does anybody want to share?

Oh, I can.

Hi, my name is Ruth, and I'm an
alcoholic.

Hi, Ruth.

And a sex addict.

Boy, did she fall off the wagon. Tell me
about it. Anyway, I just want to say

that I had a few sexual slips.

But in my own defense, I'm a stripper,
so it's hard for me to keep my clothes

on. Oh, this keeps getting better and
better.

I give lap dances at Horndog's. It's
down by the airport.

Tonight's my last show.

Anyway, when I'm, you know, writhing
naked against a man's

firm, hard thighs, I just get so hot and
I lose control and I just want to go

right for it.

Oh, I'm sorry. I should let someone else
hear. No, no, no.

Thanks, guys.

And Cindy.

Get to the point.

Okay, well, I slept with Dave.

I just want to tell you that he did not
tell me that he was having sex with

Billy. She didn't tell me that she knew
Billy. Not that I could get a word in

edgewise. Every time I opened my mouth,
she stuck something in it. Oh, right,

like she just ran up to you and shoved
her tit in your mouth, and you're like,

stop. What do you care what she put in
my mouth, all right? You told me that

what we had was nothing.

Yeah, well, it was nothing. I'm just
surprised you wanted more nothing after

the nothing you had the night before.
Hey, are you calling these nothing? No,

Ruth, Ruth, put them away.

And you, after all I did for you?

What? Pick me up in your shit car and
let me freeze to death on your couch?

Oh, so if I would have given you a
blanket, you wouldn't have fucked my

boyfriend?

Boyfriend? What? No, I mean friend.

Neighbor.

Asshole! Asshole!

You wanted me married and living in
Buffalo! You wanted me to be a burrito!

love burritos! I love them! But I also
like tacos and the occasional fajita.

I knew it. That's no problem. It's no
problem. You know why? Because I have a

lot of menus I can order from. I've had
Chinese, Italian, Hungarian, Thai. So

how do you feel about a little soul
food?

Let's go, baby. Okay, you can eat
whoever the hell you want. Just write me

fuck off the menu.

Fine. Fine.

Fuck you.

Fuck, fuck, fuck you.

Yeah.

Fuck that.

Bring back the stripper.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God, I have to go to work.

Can somebody give me a ride?

This is the most confusing pirate movie
I've ever seen.

Grandma, I want to show you my new
breath pump.