Original subtitles

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I got to see the basics. I don't

know any way.

Where will I find someone who understands from where others rise?

Oh,

my God.

I'm hot.

You're hot.

Last night I masturbated to a PBS special on the mating habits of bees.

Okay, you know what that means, don't you? You don't have table? I need to get

laid. I haven't gotten laid since I stopped drinking.

I mean, if I don't get laid soon, my clitoris is going to leave my body, put

a pair of spiked heels, and start waving down cars.

Wow, you have a very assertive clitoris.

And when it gets out of line, I have to smack it. Oh, yeah.

Well, seriously, though.

I mean, I have been sober for 30 days. Technically, not a newcomer anymore.

I mean, why shouldn't I be able to get laid?

Hey, I'd do you.

Yeah, well, and I'd take you up on it if you had a penis attached to your body

as opposed to your fake penis collection, which I've seen too many

I have the best dildo collection in all of West Hollywood.

Well, that's saying something.

I'm getting my act together, and I'm taking it on the road. Ooh, my new

therapist put me on lithium.

Where is it? Librium. I can never tell. All I know is it begins with L.

It ends with M.

Oh, yeah.

So why are you taking it?

My therapist told me to.

I think I scared her, you know?

She came out and caught me smoking.

So what's wrong with that?

I was on the ledge.

But I'm much better now.

More alert.

When I can stay awake.

If I don't get laid soon, I'm going to jump off the ledge and onto somebody.

Oh, so that's how you landed all those guys. You landed on them. Well, that's a

fabulous spiel.

I start talking about my oral fixation.

Show them that I could do the split. Do you want to see? No. And then move on to

the fact that I had had sex with a woman. Oh, that I want to see. A baby. I

to be in like Flynn. Oh, I wish I could use some of that, except, of course, for

the sleeping with women part, because other lesbians would just be like, oh.

Well, and that's one of the many reasons I'm not a lesbian. My best material

would be wasted.

Well, of course that spiel would work on Dave.

Hello works on Dave.

No. I can't have sex with Dave. I mean, I like him.

And what's worse, he likes me back. Yeah, it's a no -win situation.

I mean, this would have been so solved if I just fucked him right away. I mean,

that is why God made margaritas.

Settle, people.

People, people, that's who.

Now, who would like to take a chip for 30 days?

I have been waiting for this moment for, well, a month.

Nothing could please me more, really, except perhaps getting a new liver. Ooh,

which reminds me, put that donor dot on your driver's license and drive like the

wind. You know I love you all, but... Waste not, want not. Hello.

Oh, sorry, madame.

All right, so, without further ado, and a chip on her shoulder, here

is our Billy F.

Billy! Billy!

Billy! Billy!

Billy!

Oh, I just want to thank the Academy.

I always wanted to do that.

Anyway, seriously, folks, my name's Billy, and I'm an alcoholic.

And, you know, you guys have really stuck by me, never letting me out of

sight and making sure I don't drink no matter what. And I just want to say,

leave me the fuck alone.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Seriously, thank you.

I'm so proud of her. She's gotten a chip, a coffee commitment, and tonight

going to be here manning the phone.

They grow up so fast.

Yeah, your little girl's all grown up and ready to be kissed.

Everywhere.

You just keep your lips off her. I don't want to hear about any groping going on

while you guys are answering the phones tonight. Oh, yeah, right. Yeah, the

phone will ring. I'll reach for the receiver. I'll pick up her tit instead.

You know, Dave, I don't know how you heterosexuals do your business, and

I don't want to know.

Just leave her out of it.

Excuse me, Chad.

I've been a dedicated member of this program for almost a year, and for you

suggest that I would do anything to screw up my phone commitment is really

insulting, okay?

And nail her in the parking lot.

You look pretty happy.

Of course I'm happy.

A dear friend of mine just got her 30 -day chip, which is a fabulous,

achievement. And now you think you can fuck her.

There is that.

So I guess you're feeling pretty excited. Oh, yeah. Maybe a little

Anxious about what?

Oh, come on. You've been talking and talking about how incredible you are.

got to think you're the world's greatest lover. No, no, I didn't say I was the

greatest. I think I was okay.

Okay. Okay, you said that you drive women insane with pleasure, that they

to be institutionalized. That's an expression.

Oh, well, I just wanted to wish you luck, because I understand that can

lot of pressure on what I can do to a man.

Hey, you're freaking me out, okay? I have done this before, really.

What are women like again? You're gonna be fine, because Billy's not gonna fuck

you anyway.

What? No, the moment's passed. Look!

There it goes. Wait, there was a moment? Yep. And it passed? Yep. I waited so

long for it to come. It was supposed to last all night.

You knew that Billy wasn't going to fuck me. If you knew that Billy wasn't going

to fuck me, why the fuck are you fucking with me? Someone had to fuck you.

And this was the only way I could think of.

Darling, darling, open up. It's an emergency.

Darling.

Oh, thank God you're home.

I didn't know who to turn to. Oh, great. Just when I need a drink, you've gone

on the wagon. Mother, what?

Is it? Is everything okay?

No, darling, everything is terrible. I've got to have sex tonight with your

father. Oh, God.

Mom, remember I gave you a list of topics that are, oh, inappropriate?

Oh, I'm sorry, darling, I lost it.

Well, there was only one thing on the list, your sex life.

Look, I don't understand why you can't be here for me. I've given you plenty of

sex advice.

Yes, always be on top because your breasts look better is not exactly the

of sexual advice a mother gives a daughter.

And yet it is so true, isn't it, darling?

What am I going to do about your father?

He's sitting on the bed wearing nothing but a nipple clamp. He always wants to

try new things. Oh, so tiring.

How did you get out of the house?

Well, you must know, he's not just sitting on the bed. He's handcuffed.

Mum.

I don't know how you and Daddy have your sex life worked out, but... Oh,

darling, by a team of lawyers and therapists. Look, the contract says once

month. I've got to renegotiate.

Well, Mum, what can I say? I mean, the contract's the contract, right?

I guess you just have to get your butt back there and close your eyes and think

of England.

Oh, well, darling, I'll go and freshen up.

Do you have any feminine hygiene spray?

Hello? I had to dial the phone with my dick. Where the fuck are you? I'm

darling. Well, I'm not. I'm getting gangrene in my nipples.

Look, if you're not home in ten minutes, I'm going to sue you for breach of

contract. Sorry, darling. Not hearing you.

Going through the canyon, darling.

Trudy!

Trudy!

Hey.

Hey.

Okay, um, about us.

It's possible that I may have led you on.

Like the time that you begged me to fuck you?

Okay, so you have examples.

But the point is, I just think it would be best if we remained friends.

Sure. Yeah, I wouldn't have it any other way.

You wouldn't?

No.

Any other way? I mean, because there's a lot of other ways.

Didn't you just say I looked hot?

I was talking about your sweater. You know, 90 degrees outside.

Well, I knew that, Mr. Weatherman.

And sadly for you, it's a dry heat.

Oh, hello.

Hello. Lovely to see you again.

Lovely to see you.

Lovely to be seen.

Can I buy you a car?

Mom?

It's all right, darling. I was trans -taked.

You need to be fixed.

Come on, let's go. If you're serious about the car, I'd like a Porsche.

Dave!

Honda.

Hello. It's right there. On page four, section ten. The first party will not

leave the second party in embarrassing situations.

If you think this is embarrassing, darling, just wait until I get home.

Oh.

Oh.

Trudy?

I love you, too.

Your phone's ringing.

Oh, so's mine.

Hello, Addictions Anonymous. How may I help you?

Do I sound as if I have great big titties?

I do?

Oh, God.

Never should have taken those steroids back in the 80s.

Look, stop calling or I'm going to call the police.

Hello? Hello?

Well, hello, Trio.

Hey, I know that guy.

Oh, have you met Boyd, my new boyfriend?

No, no, no, no, no.

Stay away.

I don't talk to friends.

Look, I'm really, really sorry.

I poured coffee on him at a meeting because I thought he was making

hand gestures.

Stop trying to scare him.

I'm going to call the police.

Oh, there, there.

He's very emotional.

It's all right.

It's okay.

Guys?

Guys? Gay guys!

Can you take it outside?

You know, Dave, let me point out that Boyd, unlike Billy, has two years of

sobriety under his belt and a remarkably firm mouth.

What are you trying to say, Chad?

I'm just saying the kid is a great out.

Well, I have now officially sweat a bucket.

Found yourself lucky.

Ever since my last O .D., no sweat at all.

Oh, that can't be good for you, Jack.

No, but I look fabulous at the gym. A little exercise wouldn't hurt you.

Hey, I exercise.

Oh, excuse me.

Wait, does masturbation count?

If you do it while jogging. No, that I wouldn't recommend.

Oh. Ew.

One day my Walkman was broken. Oh.

Hey. Sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I was aiming at him. See, the

Librium throws off my Equilibrium versus the Lithium throws off my Equilithium.

Okay, don't worry. Don't worry. I was almost a doctor once.

Yeah, okay. You got to take off your dress so I can examine your breasts.

Take off your panties.

I don't think the cut's that deep.

Did you really go to medical school?

Yeah, I sure did. I got the expulsion notice to prove it.

I'm missing an eye can do this place.

Forget it.

You

don't

know what to try. Are you lying?

No, I'm not a liar. What are you talking about? I mean, it makes sense.

You got a little sadistic streak, don't you?

Yes. Thanks.

First time anyone said it.

Little.

Okay, okay, okay. Come on. Give me your arm. Here. Yeah?

Yeah. I'm afraid.

Oh, don't be a big baby. Come on.

Ready? Close your eyes.

Okay, now concentrate on my finger and tell me when it gets to your elbow.

Right. Okay?

Yeah, sure.

You could start this game lower. Oh, you're not concentrating.

Believe me, I'm concentrating.

I'm just not on your finger. Okay.

Ready? Yeah.

No, I'm too thick. Oh! You know, it makes me crazy. It's like a spider. I'm

going to do it to you. Okay.

But I am the Xbox.

Yeah? Yeah. All right.

Definitely not my elbow.

I got news.

That's not my finger.

Oh, my God.

How did you learn that?

One -armed juggler from Kentucky.

You should send him a thank you note.

That is definitely not my elbow.

That's good because you'd have mushy elbows.

What do you mean mushy? For elbows.

Elbows are pointy.

If they were your elbows, it would be great.

It would be the greatest over... Oh, shut up with the goddamn elbows.

Ouch!

Oh, I meant to... Stay up there, just... You need trouble forming the senses.

One fish, two fish, one fish, two fish,

one fish... What if he wakes up?

Bad.

This is bad. This is so bad. We have to get up.

Okay.

You're not stopping.

I'm not stopping.

You can't stop a heart stroke.

Dave, I promised myself I wouldn't do this. I mean, you're my best friend.

It is?

Oh, God. It is.

Huh? Neither.

Don't worry about the friendship thing because, you know, you're my best

Really? Yes. Yes.

None of my other friends would let me do this.

I didn't want to do this with anybody else.

Especially not Joe with the one eye.

What if Jackie wakes up, huh?

She makes me go past the point I know it's her.

Well, it would be better for her to find us an office as opposed to on the

floor.

It's better.

How do you know?

I've been in both situations.

God. Okay, listen, I've got to get that. Yeah, but I have to get this.

I think my

penis is far enough, which is not good because all my blood is in it.

Can I help you?

Yeah, hi. I saw your ad on TV.

Oh. You okay? Yeah, I just... I have asthma.

Uh -huh. And they make you answer the phone.

Yes. No.

Look, make up your mind. I got a drinking problem.

Stop it. If I could stop, I wouldn't be calling you.

No, I didn't mean for you to stop.

I don't have to stop.

Yes.

Yes.

Did you see the public service announcement on TV?

Yeah, it came on right after this phone sex commercial.

Oh, God.

Right there.

Yeah, right there.

I got to admit, I called them first.

Actually, when you answered, I thought maybe I'd hit redial. I told you I have

asthma. Uh -huh.

And what does the guy have whose penis fell off?

Well, it's a funny story to tell at parties. You know, like, well, let me

you about my penis.

Let me tell you about my penis.

Oh, no, please don't.

Too hard?

Oh, God, no.

God, this is better than the phone sex line.

And you guys don't even charge, do you? Look, can I help you with something? Do

you have a question, or... Yeah, uh... How big are you, Teddy?

As big as my head.

It was the best sex I never wanted to have.

God, that thing you do with your tongue.

You could teach a course.

That thing?

Yes, that.

Although not there.

I don't

even feel uncomfortable at all, do you?

I feel...

Relieved.

And proud.

And a little chafed.

Is that what you mean by uncomfortable? Because I didn't feel uncomfortable

until you asked me, but now that you asked me, it makes me think that you

uncomfortable, which is a shame, because you look really comfortable.

I knew we should have done this in a bed, you know. I mean, I'm not my best

linoleum. If we had a piece of carpeting, even a throw rug would have

great. I was just talking about...

The whole friends having sex thing.

Oh, that.

My God.

Listen, if it makes you feel any better, I never liked you that much to begin

with. Ditto.

Which is good, because then, you know, neither one of us will think we had sex

because we liked each other.

Right. No, of course not. I mean, our genitals like each other. Right. Yeah.

Right. That's it.

And, you know, I'm going to have sex with other people still.

I better beat you to it.

Well, I'm glad to know that we didn't ruin our mild friendship.

We're acquaintances, really.

Neighbor sums it up for me.

Yeah, exactly.

We just... Had sex. Had sex. Yeah, and it's not like we're in a relationship.

Relationship? What the hell is that? No.

Absolutely not.

Oh.

And the only problem is that we live in the same building.

And if something went horribly wrong or if I got tired of you, then one of us

would have to move out. And, of course, by one of us, I mean you.

You're not going to get tired of me. You're just going to get tired.

Good.

Because Dave can't move. We've got a lease.

Lucky. How long have you been awake?

A while.

I was very interested in that thing you do with your tongue.

I even took notes.

Can I get a copy of those notes?

Oh, God.

That is some asthma you got. I'm going to give this number to all my friends.

Please don't. And believe me, sex always ruins a friendship.

Why do you think I call 1 -900 great big titties?

That's a long number.

It's in Bangkok.

You're a sicko. Yeah? At least I still got a penis.

Nope. This is a disaster.

Look on the bright side.

We've gotten 50 calls in the last half hour. That's got to be a record. People

think it's a phone sex line.

What are you so upset about? Because we're trying to get people off alcohol,

get them off.

Addictions Anonymous.

No, Asthma Girl is dead.

Thank you.

Well, congratulations, you guys. You guys have discovered a new source of

revenue for Addictions Anonymous. For $1, folks, just $1, you can call in and

hear the adventures of Asthma Girl and her sidekick, Detachable Penisful.

Yes, contrary to popular belief, my penis is still attached.

I'm sorry, lady.

I'm sorry. Do you have a problem with alcohol?

Don't hang up, please. Oh, my God.

You know that we have ruined the name of Addictions Anonymous, Asthma Girl.

Who gave me asthma, penis boy?

Who left the phone off the hook, neighbor?

Hello, accident.

Calm down, guys. Why? Because we have a fleet.

I mean, this program, okay, is the one thing that I've done right in my entire

life. You know, I got thrown out of the Boy Scouts for taking a piss on the

Scoutmaster. And I got thrown out of the Little League because the only home

runs I ever hit were with the coach's wife.

And then I got thrown out of medical school because I dissected a cadaver.

Isn't that what you're supposed to do in medical school?

Yeah, not naked in the cafeteria. No, no.

And then I find one place, one place that they cannot kick you out of. They

can't kick you out. What do I do? I mess it up. Why?

Because, because...

Because you seduced me.

What?

How can you stand there with that face on your head and say that to me?

I did not seduce you. You seduced me, right? Give me a break, please. Who

started with the arm tickling? Who started with the boob tickling? Who

the boobs?

Like, I just threw these on.

What about the shoes? The shoes that you must have bought at the Dave Please

Fuck Me store?

All right, you guys, time out here, okay?

Because you both are to blame, right? Dave, what did you say to me the other

night? Okay, what you said was that when she got her 30 -day chip, you were

going to come knocking on her door with what? Your dick. Oh!

I said, of course, the word secret was also in the sentence. And you. And you

with your clitoris waving down cars.

Oh, all right. All right, all right, all right. Enough.

You know what? I knew I shouldn't have done this.

I mean, I had it all worked out, but unfortunately, my crotch listened to

hand instead of my head, so... Well, see, that's funny, because my hand was

listening to your tits. Yeah, but my titties were listening to your tongue.

My tits listen to the indigo girls.

Dave, I'm not ready for this.

I mean, parts of me are, but those are the parts that would get me into

which is odd, because they outnumber all my other parts. I mean, my knee, for

example, is very well behaved.

Sadly, though, I have to put my elbows on the troublemaker list. I will never

listen to my elbows again. Look.

Could we please just put this behind us?

I don't know. Can you trust your behind?

Not from what I saw.

Okay, I'll admit, my behind was as guilty as your behind, and my front

tongue lashing. Oh, yeah.

You know what I mean. So, okay, we'll put it behind it.

Yeah, we'll pretend it never happened, and we'll just go back to being

neighbors. Deal? Deal.

Hey, neighbor.

Hey. I need to borrow some sugar.

Oh, okay.