Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening, the start of the longest fear.

It was a rude awakening,

and now I've got to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I've got to see the basics, I don't

know any way.

Where will I find someone to understand?

That's Ted.

Well, as good as a man can be with a yo -yo lodged sideways up his ass.

Good. It's a wonderful toy.

Well, it's not that wonderful.

I mean, they had to give him 40 ditches.

Yeah, and you know Ted.

He refused the medication, and he's a little bit irritable.

And I'm assuming his insurance doesn't cover foreign objects in his rectum?

Yeah, well, I know mine doesn't.

Well, by foreign object, I'm hoping you mean a guy named Francois.

Actually, his name was Marcello.

Okay, that's enough.

Listen,

the point is Ted is incapacitated.

So now I've got his sponsor, Chad, looking after me.

I've got my sponsor's sponsor.

I'm really moving up.

Chad, huh? He doesn't like me.

How is that possible?

Ever since I slept with this girl, Ethel, who OD'd, suddenly I'm the bad

Wait a minute. You slept with a girl named Ethel and you won't sleep with me?

Huh? What does she have that I don't have?

Well, for one thing, rigor mortis.

Well, can't have everything.

I could lie very still.

Not with me, you couldn't, baby.

Hey, put your dick where your mouth is.

Now, if I could do that, I wouldn't need you.

Right?

Chad! Have we learned nothing from Ethel?

Is he taken?

Yes, by my imaginary friend, Joe.

Oh, then I'll just have to sit on his lap.

We'll try anything.

Meeting time.

Hi, I'm Andrea, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Andrea.

I would really like to get some new volunteers to help out at our next

Can you just raise your hands if you'd like to volunteer?

I don't find you attractive, Joe.

I'd really love someone to volunteer to bring the coffee.

No. Watch your head, you fat fuck.

You guys, I'm begging you for a volunteer.

I said watch it.

Andrea, I can't make coffee.

I'm not domestic.

Unless you count having sex.

And I can't operate a coffee machine. I'm not mechanical.

Unless you count vibrators.

Hey, if there's ever a sex commitment or if you need a vibrator, then I'm your

gal. Hey, I'll take your number for later.

But right now, we're just talking refreshments.

I was just talking to myself.

Apparently you do a lot of things by yourself.

Yeah, I don't even make coffee at work where they pay me.

Just like I'm not going to make coffee for you. But you have to.

Look, I've been running this whole show all by myself since, well, today's

Monday. A year.

Come on, when you stood up, it was like God sent you from heaven.

Oh, well, I don't believe in heaven. I'm Jewish.

You could bring bagels.

Yeah, I mean, I always carry some in my purse right next to the locks. Oh,

great. And listen, you'll also need to bring an urn because ours exploded.

And whatever you spend on, like, coffee, cream, or that sort of thing, just

bring a receipt and we'll reimburse you.

Hello? Oh, lady, I can't make coffee.

Oh, but you stood up. You volunteered.

No, because the crazy lady spit on me.

Oh, but I was so happy. And, you know, I'm not usually happy. This is just like

a facade.

So is this interest I'm showing right now.

Dad. Darling, you're early for the meeting.

Is that because you're eager? No, I'm not early. And I'm not eager.

Okay, fine. You're late, you're bitchy, and I would think about collagen.

Let's go get a seat. No, I just got out of a meeting, the I'm -so -ugly -why

-bother -not -drinking meeting.

You went to the 7 a .m.? Why?

Because I needed a drink at 6.

Boy, oh boy, they should call it the icky meeting with all these icky people.

They do.

Darling, just don't forget one thing. We're all drunk and addicts.

Yes, but some of us pass out in much better places.

You know, once.

I woke up with John Belushi at the Chateau Marmont.

Well, at least I woke up.

Well, there's a story you can tell your grandkids.

You know, once I woke up and I was modeling garter belts for Charles Nelson

Reilly.

Name dropper.

Anyway, this desperate woman had a nervous breakdown until I promised that

bring coffee to the icky meeting.

You got a coffee commitment? I am so proud of you. Oh, that's the greatest

I've had all year.

God, Dad, you could put a positive spin on cancer.

Actually, I have liver failure. And it's okay. I'm on a waiting list.

God, that must be really hard on you.

Oh, not really.

But I do watch the news a little differently.

Ten car pile up on the 405.

Makes me want to shout, bingo!

You're a sick man.

Oh, wait, you really are.

Sorry.

Anyway, so you're my sponsor. How do I get out of this?

You don't.

That coffee commitment is your first step on the road to humility.

Look.

I was the less than fresh girl in a douche commercial, okay? It doesn't get

more humiliating than that, baby.

You did hear me about the Charles Nelson Riley thing, didn't you? I'm not just

talking to myself here.

Now you are.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is everything else all right?

No, I'm having problems sleeping.

I mean, it's much easier to go to sleep drunk with someone lying on you whose

name you don't know.

I hear you.

Well, don't worry. Everyone has little insomnia when they stop drinking.

See, I could come up and tuck you in.

Great. I could use a good tuck.

Billy.

You. It's not a good idea to get involved sexually with anybody until

been sober a while.

Ask Ethel. Whoops, you can't. She is dead.

Is she cute?

I mean, is she cuter than me?

Not anymore.

Which brings me to my point.

Sex is dangerous when you're newly sober.

I was celibate my whole first year, and it was fabulous.

Celibate, as in no sex?

Or sex with myself.

You know what?

I don't like myself that much right now.

Honey, celibacy was the best thing I ever did. I'm still practicing it,

not by choice.

Trevor, I'm coming with you.

I wish.

Dave. Dave.

You know I respect you.

Not really, but I like you.

More than I should.

Maybe I should leave you alone to work this out. I don't want to step on that

heterosexual thing you've got going for you, which I personally think could be a

cover, but never mind that.

I was just wondering, and this is very uncomfortable for me. Me too, Dad.

But nevertheless, I am Billy's new sponsor, and it has to be done. What the

are you talking about? Are you going to slap me?

Do you like that?

Stop that.

Please.

Look, Billy's sobriety is the most important thing in her life. And as

well aware, sex can really jeopardize that. So what I'm asking you, man to

incredibly attractive man, is to please stop flirting with her.

What? Oh, come on. You know that stuff you do.

Pushing your chest out, giving a little smile.

Oh, and then you do that eyebrow thing.

Hi, I'm Dave.

I'd like to fuck you.

What's your name again?

Chad didn't realize my eyebrows were so talkative. What do you want me to do,

Chad? Shave them off?

No, just move them to some other girl. Chad, Billy's my friend.

You want me not to talk to my friend?

I can't talk without flirting.

Well, you're not flirting with me.

You don't have a vagina.

I mean, unless there's something I don't know about.

Well, I don't know. Want to find out?

Not today.

Hi, Dave.

You look so sexy making that coffee.

So hot and steamy, and you pour it so slowly. Yeah? Yeah. Thank you.

I'm not going to help you with your coffee commitment, because the whole

is that you do it yourself.

Way to be of service, Dave.

I thought you were my friend.

Look,

it's not that I don't want to make the coffee, okay?

I just don't know how, because, you know, I was an actress.

And... I never learned to make coffee because I was too busy just, you know,

entertaining America.

I mean, I was a big star, but now I'm just a big loser.

You're the hottest goddamn loser I've ever met.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, no. I gotta go.

God, I'm really losing my touch.

Really, darling?

Oh, you seem shorter.

Because my self -esteem is shrinking.

What happened to your eyes, Mom? Oh, darling, I've just had my eyeliner

on by a lovely little Indonesian.

And he or she assured me it would save me two minutes a day.

Oh, well, what will you do with the time?

Well, I could have sex with your father.

Twice.

Now I think I can kill myself.

How do you think I feel? On top of that, the vagina has been all over me about

going to church together for the baby's sake.

Doesn't she know we killed Christ?

Yes, darling, but she says if it wasn't for us, they wouldn't have Easter.

Why are you here?

Oh, I need to borrow an urn. Do you have one? Yes, but you know your

grandmother's in it.

Coffee urn. Well, yes, there should be one around here somewhere.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, honey. Don't, don't, don't touch me. Why? What's wrong with you? Your mother

had a little Indonesian homo wax my back. You still think it was a man, do

darling? We argued about it all the way home. I saw a penis and I didn't want

to. You always say that.

Honey, don't have your mother drag you into that little hermaphrodite salon.

You're perfect just the way you are. Oh, Danny. Wait, ten more years, darling,

because I could toboggan down a steep hill.

All I wanted was the urn. Suddenly I'm a midget sliding down Mount Everest.

You can't take the urn. Your grandmother is in it.

Coffee urn, okay? I need it to make coffee for a meeting.

Part of being of service.

Oh, then why don't you take the maid? She has been of great service to us.

I'd love to, but Antonia's not an alcoholic. We don't know that, darling.

come on now. Somebody has been drinking a lot around here.

I am so glad that we are finally going to talk about this. Me too. It's about

time we address this problem. Oh, you're both absolutely right.

We have to fire the maid.

Fire the maid? Oh, please don't tell me you're going to fire this poor woman

that comes here to wash your sheets after bouts of two -minute sex?

Just because you can't admit that you drink?

Darling, what are you getting so upset about? Of course we drink.

Human beings need liquid, darling, to stay alive.

Chardonnay? What is she supposed to drink, Manischewitz? Well, how about not

drinking wine at all? Why in the world would I want to not do that? Why?

Why? Because you're Foster Brooks in a dress. You're Dean Martin in a skirt.

Are you calling me a transvestite? No. Why are you again with the point

Here's the point and there's you. Can I help it, darling? The two points are

very dull and hidden by obscure analogies.

Okay. Let me sharpen it up.

You drink too much. I most certainly do not. Are you kidding me? The entire

economic stability of the Napa Valley rests on your shoulders. Max, how dare

speak to your mother this way?

Alcoholism is a disease, and she gave it to me. Don't be ridiculous, darling.

We've never even drunk from the same glass.

It's not contagious. It's hereditary. Then blame your grandmother, darling.

She's right over there in the urn. Go on. You can't hurt her feelings because

she's dead.

From cirrhosis?

I suppose that's my fault, too.

I could ruin my tattoo.

You're upsetting your mother. And your grandmother.

Billy, please don't upset your mother. If you care for me at all, you'll leave.

And you'll think of an excuse so I can go with you. Come on, it's all out in

open now. Let's just talk about it.

Oh, talk, talk. Is that what you do in your little meetings? They take you into

a little room and talk until you break, darling. Until you turn your parents in

to get an extra little chip for that, darling. Do you?

Oh, Max, Max. My back.

Billy, look what you're doing to your mother. You're blinding her. Are you

now? Go.

Daddy, what about the urns? If you're so happy in your little couch, darling,

let them give you a coffee urn. Did you ever think that you might be addicted to

coffee? That you're a caffeinaholic?

Glasshouses, darling, glasshouses.

Billy, please, go.

Max. Max, are you there?

I can't see.

And to wrap it up, I just want to say I feel terrible.

You know, I went to my mother's house to borrow a coffee urn, and next thing I

know, I'm calling her an alcoholic.

Um, I'll call my mother a slut.

I fucked my mother.

But I didn't drink over it.

Max,

where have we gone wrong with Billy?

I can't think of a thing I've done. It must be you.

Me? I didn't do anything.

Well, then all the things you haven't done have taken a toll, darling.

Yet she takes it out on me.

All right.

Later on, I'll call her and tell her everything was my fault.

Good. Yes, perfect, darling. Be gentle.

It's a very sticky situation.

Kid gloves, darling.

Kid gloves all the way. Yes, yes.

What are kid gloves?

Kid gloves.

They're what you put on when you're dealing with children, darling.

Oh! More importantly, Max, I think that what Billy needs right now is the

illusion of support. What?

could appear to be more supportive than me giving up alcohol for

the remainder of the week.

What is today, darling?

Oh, it's, um, I think it's Thursday.

Perfect. Till Sunday, then. You know, actually, the weekend starts on

I adore you.

I can't wait to tell Billy about this. No, it's not even going to be difficult.

I could do this standing on my head.

Antonia, you need to roll these joints more mass tighter.

She's from Columbia. You'd think at least she'd get this right.

You know, this stuff doesn't grow on trees.

Does it? No, darling, it grows in these little cellophane bags.

to eat your mother's stocked drink?

Yeah, I know, but that's what she said on the phone.

Well, that was hard to understand her when she was talking with her mouth

And so, is she giving you the urn?

No. Daddy looked for it all night, but all he could find was the hibopty. Well,

if you ever get the barbecue commitment, you're all set.

Oh, God, it's Andrea.

Go. Go, go, go, go, go. Listen, pretend we're in the middle of a really

important conversation, okay?

Yeah. So I got this gun in my hand, you know, and I'm thinking, do I really want

to kill myself?

Yes. So I put the barrel in my mouth and I'm just about to pull that thought.

Listen, I just wanted to thank you again for taking the coffee commitment.

The nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Well, since the state took away my kids.

Yeah.

I like her.

She reminds me of my mother.

Well, if you like her so much, why don't you do the coffee? Because it's your

commitment. But I don't want to do it. I mean, I don't want to serve these

people coffee. I was on TV. I was on heroin.

What's your point? No one gets my point.

Look, I remember my first commitment. I had the literature.

And somehow my Dykes with Spikes magazine got mixed up with all their

boy, let me tell you, those folks got an eye for this.

Did you get in trouble?

No. I got a date.

Well, good for you. But I've seen your dates. And if that is the light at the

end of my coffee commitment tunnel, I'll fake sick.

They're depending on you. Yes, and I disappoint people who depend on me.

the one thing you can depend on.

You know, this is Billy, my six -month anniversary.

I can't believe she stood me up.

I can't believe you thought she'd be here. We had a commitment.

I just left my wife and two kids for her.

I hope she's okay.

Is there a Kevin Lipsitz here?

This is for you.

From Billy.

Please wouldn't forget.

Billy's tired of dating you.

She has met somebody new.

She says so long to you.

I hope your wife will forgive you.

That was bad, wasn't it? That was really, really bad.

Oh, yeah.

In fact, I feel better about myself just sitting next to you.

Well, think about how I feel. I mean, I'm inside of me. At least you can walk

away.

Well, by doing the coffee commitment, you can get out of yourself.

Okay, I'll do the damn coffee, but it better make me feel good. And I've got

five bucks in my pocket that says it won't.

You do?

Can I, uh, borrow it?

Coffee. Don't.

Billy, we're here!

Ugh, you hate her.

But you need her. Come on, you can do this. You're an actress. You just need a

motivation.

We're in a concentration camp, and she's the Nazi who just took out your

filling, and you need food and water or you'll die.

Hi!

Hey!

Oh, I'm so glad you called us. I was just telling Jerry it's so nice to think

you sober instead of lying somewhere in a pool of vomit.

Yeah, she was just saying that. Well, I've never actually been in a pool of

vomit. I mean, a puddle, a splash, a dollop, but I digress.

Anyway. Thank you so much for bringing the urn. Look, it's pink.

Whoa, vulva pink.

Do they come in that color? Mine's green.

Green? You should see a doctor.

Billy, you know my vulva's green.

Oh, yes.

What am I thinking?

Don't tell her.

Now, I knew you'd be unprepared and not have any supplies.

Well, you know me all right. So I just brought everything.

And I figured you probably never used an urn before.

It's like you're me.

Anyway, I don't know how to repay you, unless I give you some hot sex tips.

Oh, that'd be great.

Yeah? That would repay me.

What, I drove the Volvo?

I know how you could repay me.

Oh, she does? Oh, she does.

I want you to go to church with us on Sunday, Billy.

Oh, no, you don't. Oh, she does.

No, but I'll embarrass you at church.

No, you won't. Yes, I will. I mean, I'll try to.

Oh, it's not that bad. Tell her, Jerry.

Yeah, actually, they put on a great show, those goyim.

I mean Christians. Jerry.

Okay, it's not that great. Jerry. Just tell me what to say.

Look, please don't ask me to go to church with you. I mean, I'll pray at

okay? Because God is everywhere, right?

I mean, look, there he is. He's sitting on the ceiling. He can do that. He's

God. Oh, there he is on the wet bar now.

Wait, look out. Don't get on. I'm on the sofa.

That is not funny.

Look, Jerry, let's go.

Okay, no, no, no. Look, please don't go.

Please don't go. I'll go to church with you. I'll go. I mean, I've always been

good on my knees.

That's what all my high school friends said.

Yeah, back in the good old days when they let you pray in school.

Oh, yeah, I did a lot of praying.

Under the bleachers, in the boys' locker room.

Dean's office.

How'd you know about that?

P .A. was on.

So you prayed and you strayed, but now you're back in the fold, saved from

eternal fire and damnation.

God works in mysterious ways.

So does David Copperfield.

But if you miss one of his shows, he doesn't send you to hell.

Honey, it looks fabulous.

Well, the copy setup does.

You could use a little blush.

You could kiss my ass.

Well, you know, I could, but I would have to be really drunk.

Great, let's go.

Come on, it's going to be fine.

Oh, speaking of fine.

There's Trevor.

Excuse me.

Hey.

What? This is great.

Thank you.

Which one of you made it?

Me, the one in the middle.

Thanks. You're welcome.

I'd like to see a dessert menu.

I'll tell you right now, we're out of the moose.

Cab. The crazy woman who spits loved my coffee.

Well, there's an endorsement if I've ever heard one.

I can't believe I actually did it. You know, for the first time, I promised to

do something, and I actually did it.

Of course, a lot of times, I didn't even remember promising to do things.

And how can you promise with a ball gag in your mouth anyway? Oh, well, how

often are you going to run into that dilemma?

Don't answer that.

Alcoholics! We're here.

Espresso and pastries for everyone.

Antonia, will you set those pages up quickly?

Please remember, we are being of service.

Did you come here because you're finally admitting you're an alcoholic?

Don't be ridiculous. I gave up alcohol for almost two whole days, thus proving

that I do not have a problem.

Sort of throws a wrench into your little hereditary theory, doesn't it, darling?

Oh, yeah.

Drives a fucking truck through it, Mom. But I can be supportive of... your

alcoholism. If my little girl is going to do a coffee commitment, it's going to

be the best one ever. After all, darling, you were Billy Frank.

And you were not invited.

And still I came.

Oh, my God.

See? See?

I mean, where was she when I had that ball gag stuck in my mouth? Oh, why,

why?

Why can't I be Nicole Kidman? Well, you can on Halloween, but my mother is here

to stay. Darling, we're leaving.

Some of these people are rather icky, aren't you?

I love your mother. You know, she does not think I'm an alcoholic.

Mind over liquid, darling. Mind over liquid all the way to the diamond.

Where are you going?

We're going to tie one on, throw back a few, put shit all over our faces.

No, get shit -faced.

Oh, thank God. I was getting confused.

Come on, darling.

I'm sick.

Can you believe that?

She drove these people to drink and let them 15 seconds.

That has to be some sort of world record.

Yeah, I held out for eight years.