Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening, the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening,

and now I've got to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I've got to see the basics, I don't

know any way.

Where will I find someone who understands?

Neverland, what a rude awakening.

Who's got up the longest?

evokes people so she can practice her chokehold.

They need practice?

Can I get another coffee?

I can get used to the taste of it without whiskey.

Your money's no good here.

Actually, it's no good anywhere.

I was going to write you a bad check.

No.

For you to get anything here, you've got to talk dirty to me.

Oh, interesting pricing structure.

Why would I do that when you won't sleep with me?

Just because I won't sleep with you until you have a little bit more time

doesn't mean I can't get a hand start.

Okay.

You, me, naked, in a hammock.

Really? Why a hammock?

Must work for me.

What do you think?

I think I gotta get a hammock.

Yeah.

So I gotta get all these lesbians out of my apartment.

Man, I never thought I would say that.

All these lesbians. I mean, I thought it was only Yvonne and Jackie. What, are

you holding a convention?

Apparently so, because now Sue has entered the picture. A picture

drawn by Edvard Munch.

Oh, I thought I heard screaming.

Yeah, because, see, Sue and Yvonne were duking it out over Jackie last night.

They were like, they were actually like dueling with dildos. So who won?

Believe it or not, Yvonne was taken out on a stretcher.

Now Sue has moved in.

My God, is she scarier than Yvonne?

But... Fuck you, you trash can!

That's Sue. Calm down.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Fucking breathe.

Hey, Dave.

What are you looking at?

You know, I've done many man hours of research on this subject, and I now

believe that lesbians and pornos are not being realistically depicted.

You think?

What is it with men and lesbians? I mean, why obsess about something that

can't have?

You mean like booze?

Not quite.

Booze liked me back. It was my best friend.

Yeah, I thought I was your best friend.

Oh, if you were covered in booze.

Oh!

Anyway, hello.

I kept my mind off.

I, well, just off, really.

Hey!

What do you think, Sue?

That freak just went into a meeting. Oh, thank God.

You guys, I need your help.

How? No one's ever said that to me before.

Sue and I?

It's not going well.

Honey, you've only been together for 12 hours. Exactly.

I think we're growing apart, you know?

I mean, I just don't know what's gotten into her.

I guess. Benoit balls.

I mean, I never noticed this before, but Sue, well, she adds a temper.

But that's funny, because I noticed it the second Yvonne's blood splattered

across my shirt. Well, that was Yvonne's fault. I told her not to look at Sue.

It makes her mad. And what does she do? She looks at Sue.

Jackie.

Why are you always going after these terrifying women? I mean, there's got to

more agreeable dyke. And they're more agreeable nuts.

Well, Sue is agreeable.

It's just that she gets angry every time I don't follow her orders. You know,

like now.

She wants me to wear a sailor's hat every night.

Oh, that's terrible. I would insist on a beret.

But no matter how you accessorize, Jackie, really, you deserve more.

You mean like a scarf?

No, like a girlfriend who's not on probation.

So Sue's been in jail a couple of times, you know. She's never going back there,

okay? She's taking anger management classes.

And she burnt off her fingerprints.

Yeah, last night, in the toaster, which she didn't clean up.

This morning for breakfast, I had a bagel with cream cheese and skin.

Oh, well, Sue's had a hard life. I mean, she was an orphan at eight, and it was

another three years until she was cleared of all charges.

Listen, Jackie, you deserve more. I mean, you're sweet. You're, you're...

friendly or fun to be with. I haven't shot smack in over a month. I have never

hollowed out any dead pets and smuggled drugs across the border.

You should put that on your resume.

Dave? Yes?

I am really wanting a hot, juicy muffin for your charge. So,

as I saunter over to get one...

Got any money on you?

Uh, not much. Why?

Gotta get a hammock.

Oh, damn, it's bad already?

Oh.

Hi! Open up!

It's Jackie's friend, Sue.

Remember, we met at the meeting today.

I need your...

It's funny in this nasty room where I help people.

Hi, Jackie locked me out.

So I left her.

Oh, my God. You must be heartbroken.

But empowered and so very tired. Well, good night. I need a place to stay.

I'm afraid if I'm alone, I might drink.

I'm afraid, period.

Keep in touch.

Oh.

What's in there?

It's not Jackie, is it?

Um, look, Sue, if you're gonna leave Jackie, shouldn't you leave further than

this building? I mean, I hear Orange County has a lesbian shortage.

No, I can't leave town.

I'm on parole.

Besides, I gotta stay in the building to keep an eye on Jackie.

I mean, just because we're broken up doesn't mean I want her slutting around.

Well, I'd love to stay, but... No, don't say no!

Because I get this ringing in my ears when people say no.

Oh, you know, I'd never say no. Ask anyone.

In fact, I think I'll go ask him.

Well, don't be gone long, because I have abandonment issues.

Jackie, Dave, it's me. Let me in.

No. I know Sue's out there with you with a knife to her throat. Look, come on,

Jackie. Look, it's me. See?

Look, I'll prove it. You licks dog. Now, would I say that if she was out here?

Of course not. You know why? She would kick my ass.

I swear she wasn't out here before. I forgive you, Billy.

I don't forgive you.

Sue.

Is something wrong?

I miss Jackie.

Me too.

Let's go get her. No, I got my pride.

Of course you've got your pride. And your hand on my ass.

I don't know what you've heard about me, but... I heard you slept with a girl on

your show.

The one with the big nipples.

Yeah, but I was really drunk and I threw up on her. I know.

Is there some Billy's Lesbian Adventure newsletter circulating that I don't know

about? Listen, Sue.

I am definitely spoken for by men in general.

But this is the only way that I can sleep.

Like two spoons.

Okay, tell you what.

Let's sleep like one spoon and the garlic press that you keep in a separate

drawer, okay?

Wow, my ears are starting to ring again.

Breathe. Gotta go to my special place.

Where the... Fuck, it's my special place.

Billy, darling.

Yeah, Mom, we're in here.

Oh, dear.

Well, you're just in time for the big slumber party.

Apparently I missed spin the bottle.

Yes, and we need to get some s'mores right now.

Darling, look, I only came over to check up on you because when I called, the

phone suddenly went dead.

Oh, I ripped it out of the wall.

Yeah, it was the ringing.

I'll be sure to put my beeper on vibrate.

Speaking of that, I'm so sorry if I interrupted something.

No, you didn't interrupt anything. Yes, you did.

But I'm really glad to meet you.

I mean, usually I don't get to meet my bitch's mother till visiting day.

So you're not only a lesbian, you're a convict. What a rich, full life you've

had. Yes, and she is exhausted from it, too. If you could just excuse me for

just a minute, okay?

We'll come back soon.

Darling, as I recall, you told me you slept with a woman once to rule out

gay. I'll be ruling it out again.

Mom, I don't even know that girl. Then I hope you're using a dental dam.

I mean, I didn't invite her into my bed. She just came.

What? No wonder she's exhausted.

Darling, I don't mind you being gay. In fact, it's rather chic. However, it is

just as easy to fall in love with a rich lesbian as a poor one. If you learn

nothing from me before I die, learn this.

Fuck up, darling.

Fuck up.

Trust me, Mother, I have fucked up, okay? And I'm not gay.

In fact...

I have the biggest crush on the most gorgeous guy, Dave, in 601, and I'm

for him to sleep with me, but he won't.

You're trying to make him jealous.

Darling, darling, when I want to make your father jealous, I sleep with the

gardener, not with the maid.

Oh, you're cheating on Daddy again?

So just because you're not getting any sex, none of us can?

With the gardener?

That's not exactly fucking up, Mommy.

Darling, it doesn't apply to me. I'm married.

Come on.

This is the most insane day of my life if I don't count every other day. I am

out of here.

Oh, you too.

Oh,

it's the gardener again.

I know a little bush that needs trimming.

Babe, this is a Hawk Schwartz prestige picture. That's why I'm wooing a star of

your caliber.

Remind me again, were you Cindy or Jan?

Oh, that's right, yeah. Oh, and you were fantastic, by the way, yeah.

And listen, if you can throw up on cue, we can add the money that we save on a

fetch, you know, to your already very, very generous salary.

Hey, you're back.

Damn, long time no see.

Long time no drunk. I have a lot of catching up to do.

So work on that vomiting, honey, and I'll call your agent in the morning.

Oh, okay, your mother.

All right, woman, so what can I start you out with?

I will have Harv.

The wallbanger?

No.

Hey.

Billy.

Harv.

Oh, wow, did I miss those.

Of course, you mean me.

Yes, you, as the owner of those.

Look, it's not that I don't love it, but why are you wearing pajamas?

Oh, I have got a convict lesbian in my apartment, and on top of that, my

mother's doing the gardener.

On top of a lesbian and a thing with... How come I don't get an invite?

Come on, Harv, it's so terrible.

Oh, well, at least I'm having a feeling.

And it's awful.

Come on, I've had awful feelings before, and I did something about it. What did

I do?

Oh, yeah, I need to drink.

You know, I'm a little out of practice with you. You're talking to yourself

right? Yes, and I'm boring the shit out of me.

So, did you replace me yet?

You know, as it turned out, with the job that you were doing, I didn't need to.

So not only am I saving money, but I'm not afraid to go into the bathroom.

Now, that's coffee, right?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you quit again, huh? Mazel tov, baby. How's it going this time?

I would lick stale beer off Bea Arthur's ass.

And she would let you, too.

Oh, wait a minute. Bea.

Get Polaroids back from Bea.

I can't do anything without alcohol. I mean, and what's worse, I can't even

myself feel better about the fact that I can't do anything.

I do.

I say drink up.

Oh, yeah.

Take his advice.

You should always listen to a bartender whether or not you should drink or not,

huh? Yeah.

Hey, look, all I'm saying is, when Billy drank, she kicked some ass.

Remember that time you went wacko on those Marines?

Not really.

I was drinking then, remember?

Hey, it's my chair.

Says who?

Says me.

Yeah, you and what army? I don't need no army.

I'm a Marine.

Exactly my fucking point.

I claim this chair for Billy Frank of America.

I gotta tell you, it made me a little bit nervous about

our fighting forces.

You know, if I were drunk right now, that lesbian would be so terrified, she

would pole vault out of my apartment, bam, right into another state.

Hey, Billy, and don't take this the wrong way, but you are just as scary and

obnoxious sober as you are when you're drunk.

Do you really think so?

Oh, absolutely.

Oh, man, if anyone has the talent to drive people away, it is you.

Now go get that lesbian and say, shoo, lesbo, shoo.

Harv.

I owe you one.

I'll take your left one.

Okay.

I'm scary and obnoxious and extremely anxious, which is good because I can use

it to beat you up.

Better yet, to flee.

Oh, God, no, no, no. Okay, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it on three.

No! Okay, on four.

Oh, fuck it!

Yeah, you scared me. I did?

Sue and I got back together. Isn't that great? She wants us to live here with

you. Yeah, we think Dave was the problem.

Yeah.

Oh, hi, Taylor.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you're right there.

Whoa, I think we got you out of dry dock. Faster, faster.

Yeah. Taylor.

Hey, it's Billy. Let me in.

All right.

Thanks for sending two of the loudest lesbians in the world up to live with

You're welcome.

Come in.

What is that?

Makeshift hammock.

Makeshift hammock.

Yeah, you see what I mean? Lesbian porn has no basis in reality.

Oh, that's got to hurt.

Oh, my God.

You see that girl on the trampoline?

Yeah.

I know her. I did a love boat with her.

Yeah, by accident, I wandered into her stateroom and slept with her husband.

No,

that really happened.

Wow, she's flexible.

Oh, I could do that.

I mean, I am so flexible. I could lift my legs up and put them around your

You want to see? Billy, I'm not going to have sex with someone who's newly

sober, okay?

Knock it off. It's not going to happen.

Oh, am I bothering you, Mr.

Innocent Let's Watch Lesbian Porn? Look, my video library is very selective,

okay? Just because of that does not mean we're going to have sex. You know, you

came to me for help, and I was a good Samaritan.

Yes, in your underwear with a towel nearby.

Watching women do that.

Which, by the way, I could do so much better. You are flexible.

Yes, I wish you were, you with your fucking rules.

One rule, okay? One rule, but it's a hard and fast one.

Oh, but the question is, do you have a hard and slow one?

But I'll take it hard and fast.

I want to give it to you all night long, okay? As evidenced by the hammock.

God, why didn't I know you a year ago when I was drinking? I had no

I believe we missed each other.

Did you look under the tables?

Look there. That was my summer house.

You know, I went to the bar tonight.

But I didn't drink.

Good for you.

Promise me you're never going to go there again.

I promise.

So do I get something for being such a good girl?

Clothes? What's wrong with my clothes?

What?

Oh, wait.

I know what it is.

I'm wearing them.

We didn't have sex last night. No.

I slept in a man's apartment and nothing happened.

Well, a kiss wasn't bad.

Yeah, but it didn't lead to anything.

See, now you're just being cruel.

I mean, I feel great. I feel energized. I feel...

Like that little bunny.

I feel, uh, uncomfortable.

I can't believe nothing happened.

Do you hear that, genitals? You're free.

The spell is broken.

Yes! Yes!

Isn't this great?

I'm walking on air. I mean, you know, we watched some lesbian porn. We ate

popcorn. We really communicated.

Well, mostly about lesbian porn, but still.

Oh, my God. And you know what? I got through the most insane day of my life

without drinking.

I'm so proud of...

I'm proud, too, and yet somehow emasculated.

Where are you going?

I've got some urgent business in the bathroom, so congratulations.

Thanks. You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to take this newfound pride, and I'm going to crawl over to Harv, and

I'm going to beg him for my job back.

Oh, aha.

Yeah. I see. Well.

I'm going to go now. Please do.

Right.

Um. Yeah.

Good one.

You must be Dave, the gorgeous man in 601.

And now we're both wet.

Well, thanks.

Where were you an hour ago?

I would have come sooner, but I had an appointment with my gardener.

Who are you?

I'm Billy's mother.

Oh. And you, I suppose, are the man who refuses to sleep with me. One of the

few. Well, I think it's turning her into a lesbian.

So I wonder if you'd do me an enormous favor and make her mother happy.

And what's the favor? Bang my daughter till she walks funny.

Give me a couple of weeks, I'll put her in a wheelchair.

Oh.

Oh.

Well, that's music to a mother's ears.

Harv? Jesus!

No, just me. Harv, I have new friends in my life.

and I have a newfound strength and direction in my life, and now all I need

money for food and my life. Oh, no, no, no, no. Come on, Harv, I really want my

job back.

Oh, yeah? Well, you know, I want my foreskin back.

No, I'll tell you what, you find that for me, and then you can have your job.

Do you know where you put it?

Oh.

Anyway, Harv, listen, I've been sober a week.

Yeah, and I've written up this contract between you and me, and I've signed it,

and if I violate any of these terms, you can just fire me.

I've already fired you. What do I win? I'm talking about a second chance.

I gave you a second chance last month.

Okay, a third chance.

Fourth, fifth, sixth. Come on, please, Harv. Oh, baby, come on. It's begging,

and really, it's really pathetic.

If you think this is pathetic, let me tell you pathetic.

That's lunch, everyone. Back in an hour.

Eric. Hey.

Hey.

It was really good stuff last time.

Yeah, well, that was the last, last time.

Oh, come on. I mean, I'm a wreck.

Listen, you gotta prep me some afternoon help or I'm gonna get fired. Hello?

You're gonna get fired anyway.

Yeah, but at least this way I'll have the coke. I mean, try thinking about it

from my side.

Yeah, I'd like to see your side.

And your front.

Naked. On the kitchen set.

Fifteen minutes.

How dare you?

I mean, if you haven't noticed, Mr. Grip, my name is on a parking spot.

If it wasn't for me, you probably wouldn't even have a job, you miserable,

-sucking bastard.

Yeah, well, suit yourself.

Wait, I didn't say I wouldn't do it.

Wow.

I wish I knew you back then.

All right, what does this contract say, huh?

I, Billy Frank, promise not to show up drunk.

I like it so far.

And I won't be late or verbally abusive or bad -smelling. Oh, wow. Hey, look,

you better wear a name tag or I won't know it's you, honey.

I won't have sex with clients, and I won't pee in the ficus.

Oh, wow.

No wonder it died for crying out loud.

Look at this. I know I threw it because you didn't water it.

Well, apparently I over -watered it.

So is it a deal?

Well, let me see.

Christ, Billy.

Come on, Harv.

What?

You know, it's just like you went through a lot of trouble to misspell so

words, man.

Well, and I'll use spellcheck.

Come on, Harv, you've got to hire me back because you can't give me a good

recommendation. You've got a good point there, babe.

Actually, two of them.

And it looks like they need a little bit of a...

Sorry. When do we start?

Oh, tomorrow.

Because I'm booked today. I got... God, you know what? I have a prostate problem

and I got... Yeah, I didn't want to burn you with this. Plus, I might check to

find my plot at the funeral. I'm depressed.

The whole thing is a nightmare.

Bye. Bye.

Baby doll.

I got my job back.

Now all I have to do is get my apartment back because, A, all my stuff is there,

and, B, I already paid the rent. Well, not yet, but I will now that I got my

back. And, C, well, I can't really think of one.

I've got a C for you.

Your mother, so worried that you're turning into a lesbian, she came to my

apartment and she begged me to fuck you.

Really? Yes.

I'll have to send her a thank you note.

Ah, I forgot the God. Goddamn artificial sweetener.

Touch that and you die.

Oh, and you're out of creamer at home.

I can't believe I was going to go for that last night.

I mean, I'm lucky she didn't kill me. Well, she's lucky she didn't kill you.

What do you mean?

She's got two felonies. One more strike, she goes away for life.

No. That's your coffee.

Yes, it is. Help yourself.

Good. Hi!

Cat fight!

Hello, apartment.

What's different about you?

New hairdo? No, that's not it. New rug.

I know.

No lesbians here, no lesbians there.

There are no lesbians anywhere.

Whoa.

Hello, darling.

What is that for?

It's a surprise.

Trust me, in a few weeks, you'll thank me.

Until then, perhaps you can use it as an extra chair for parties.

Perhaps over here, darling.

Would you like it here?