Original subtitles

So lay it out for us, Admiral. What's the conundrum? The Titanic Museum is one

of the most popular in the world. And it's all thanks to the blockbuster film

about the timeless romance between Jack and Rose. I love that movie.

I even saw it in 3D. It felt like I was drowning to death. Meanwhile, attendance

here at the Lusitania Museum is at an all -time low.

That's ridiculous.

Do people not even realize that when the Lusitania was torpedoed by a German U

-boat in 1915, it triggered U .S. involvement in World War I?

Historically, the Lusitania is way more significant than the Titanic. I know.

We're going to have to close our doors for good if we don't get more visitors.

So why not make a Lusitania movie to get people excited about it? You think we

haven't cried?

Every time we pitch one, we're accused of ripping off Titanic.

But then we had a better idea.

If we could somehow find evidence that the Lusitania had a real -life romance

it, that would beat any Hollywood fantasy, and our museum would finally

crowds it deserves.

So what do you want us to do?

Please dive down to the wreckage of the Lusitania and find us our Jack and Rose.

How's it going down there, guys?

Find any signs of true love?

That's a negative, good buddy. Roger that.

Good buddy? Um, yeah.

I like the sound of that.

Whoa, Rip, get over here, quick!

What is it? The historical record has always claimed the Lusitania's carpets

were tan, but look, they're actually blue!

Oh, damn it, Saltine, who gives a shit?

Hey, what's this?

It died.

Choked on plastic.

A sad reminder that octopuses are truly stupid animals.

Whoa, Ritz, check it out. A perfectly preserved cabin with historical treasure

untold.

Mothers rock hard.

There's a scrapbook.

Jack and Rose.

Our true story.

So Jack and Rose were real? And they were also on the Lusitania?

Not just the Lusitania.

The Titanic.

The HMS Bulwark. The Liberté. Jack and Rose report every major shipwreck of the

early 20th century. Wow, that's some bad luck.

No, luck had nothing to do with it. They were responsible for those shipwrecks,

and this scrapbook proves it. You mean... That's right, Swooper, my good

Jack and Rose were homicidal maniacs! All I heard was good buddy again, and I

loving it!

how Jack and Rose sank each ship, steering the Titanic into an iceberg

roofing the captain, lighting a bomb on the Lusitania, and then framing those

poor, innocent Germans.

The list goes on and on.

Wow, this is crazy.

The Titanic movie means so much to so many people. I mean, Jack and Rose

basically caused my sexual awakening.

If people found out, they'd be crushed.

So what are you saying?

You think we should keep this a secret? They have a saltine. If you sit on a hot

potato like this, it burns your whole ass.

You think I don't know a potato burns your ass?

It's just...

This one hits close to home. Well, if you ever want to become a full -blown

archie like me, there's one super important lesson you need to learn.

Exposing the truth is worth any consequence.

I understand. Sometimes the status can't remain close.

Okay, whatever that means.

You love your Latin. All right, time to call boat boy.

Land ho. I hope you're sitting down.

One sec.

Hit me.

We just found out that Jack and Rose were real and they were terrorists.

They thunk the Titanic, the Lusitania, and more.

Incredible. Who are they working for? I cannot tell. As of yet. None of the

targets have anything in common. As of yet. It's a complete and utter mystery.

As of yet.

I can't wait to rub this in the faces of those Titanic snobs across the street.

They'll rue the day they call me Lieutenant Lamewad. I'm an admiral, damn

Knock. Knock, knock!

Admiral Lamewad! Here's the evidence that'll disgrace Jack and Rose forever.

I'm just gonna turn your chair around.

Admiral Lamewad! He's now the late Admiral Lamewad. Who would do such a

Arr! I would make it. The name's Icebergins. Oh, my God! Is an

talk like a pirate did?

Yes. Now hand over the scrapbook, you scallywag, or you'll find yourself in

Jones' locker. Yeah, no, totally makes perfect sense. But let me just give a

little bump of narcotic to my furry friend here first.

He's with the Titanic Museum. The Admiral must have run his mouth. Looks

they don't want the truth about Jack and Rose to get out. We have to alert the

authorities. Oh, my God. Alert the authorities? I mean, I agree we should,

you sound like such a zark, Saltine. Oh, yeah, no, I agree. It's a really good

idea. Let's do it.

Officer, we'd like to report a murder. Crime is my very field of trade. I'd be

happy to help.

Why don't you come join me in this dark alley and tell me all about it?

Actually, never mind.

I just remembered they died of natural causes.

What is it? The Titanic Museum is one of the most powerful institutions on the

planet. They have people everywhere. We can't trust anyone.

I gotta warn Agatha in swoops.

Our HQ was ransacked. Oh, damn it! It's the Titanic Museum! Okay, Agatha, I

can't believe I'm saying this, but it's a code.

36. We're out of Turkish delight. Oh, whoops. I meant code 37.

Code 37. Good God. Code 37. I understand.

Farewell, Ripley. What's code 37?

Code 37 means all our lives are in grave danger. And so we scatter to the wind.

Oh, that was crazy. Some wind blew right when I said that.

Do we really need to do this?

Go into hiding?

Yes, Saltine. The Titanic Museum is basically like the CIA plus the Yakuza.

They're bloodthirsty killers who will stop at nothing to preserve their

Holy... And I don't say this lightly.

Guacamole. Welcome to my safe house, Saltine. Now, the Titanic Museum is only

after us so we don't reveal the truth about Jack and Rose. But once the

out there, they won't kill us because everyone will know it was them. And I

just how to spread the word.

Welcome back to The Night Show with your host, Charles Collins.

It's time for another edition of On the Contrary.

Let's take a look at a clip of Senator Potts. I think Americans would be happy

to pay higher taxes if it means their Congress... men get raises um senator on

the contrary chortles collins the most trusted name in late night comedy news

can we talk to a real reporter sadly no real news organization reaches all of

america now saltine only chortles does he bridges the divide that is true but

how would you even get booked Because Chortles owes me a favor. Wait, you know

Chortles Collins?

Indeed I do. We went to boarding school together.

Actually, we went through a lot more than that together.

You know that book, Lord of the Flies? Yes.

We once had to read it for English class.

Whoa.

Okay, everybody, that's it. I got every last one of you. Mr. Collins, you are

just as nice off camera as you are on. Yeah, tell that to my proctologist.

rip digman the last time i saw you dick cheney was still looking for his weapons

of mass destruction oh no hey please just save the gut busters friend or i'll

never

Okay, here's the deal. You have to let me be a guest on your show. I've made an

amazing find, and I need to share it with the world. What is it? For your own

safety, I can only tell you live on air. But you have to trust me. It's huge.

So, can I come on tomorrow night? Yeah, I don't know, Rip. I've already got Zane

booked on the show. Well, that's fine. It doesn't matter. Look, you owe me,

Chortles. I don't owe you anything.

Oh, don't you? I shared my answers with you on a vocab test in eighth grade.

If it weren't for me, you'd have never learned the word. God. And now I owe my

career to that word.

Okay, fine. Tomorrow night.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have tickets for the theater.

Now we're back. So, Zane, tell me more about Puffington Day. Oh, yeah, that's

right, Chortles. My wife hails from the kingdom of Puffland, and Puffington Day

is a beloved holiday that celebrates their most sacred traditions.

Yeah, screwing and getting our drink on. And that's why we've written a

children's book.

I love it. Okay, everyone, my next guest is a disgraced archie who is currently

on the lam, Rip Digman.

Wow, Rip, you look and smell terrible. Shut up! Great to see you, Rip. Shut up!

Now everyone buckle your seatbelts, because I've got some shocking

need to share about a certain beloved shipwreck. What the?

Yes, it's time for me to reveal the unsettling truth, which is... Let's play

What's in the Box. Huh?

Reach into that box and tell us what you think's inside.

You think it's shit?

Why'd you cut me off?

What the? A gun?

On live TV?

What is this, the Murray Franklin show?

Sorry, Rip. I don't have a choice. The Titanic Museum is our top sponsor. So

another word about Jack and Rose or else.

Son of a bitch!

That's right.

It was shit.

So, Rip, you were saying something about a shipwreck or your life flashing

before your eyes or something?

Uh, yeah. I wanted to say...

Everybody thinks the Lusitania had tan carpets, but they were actually blue.

You don't say. Well, blue definitely beats tan. Um, hi.

Yes, I'd like to buy a carpet the color of dirt, please.

Yes, that's right. Dirt, where worms live.

What the hell? I just launched a line of tan carpets with the slogan, as tan as

the Lusitania's carpet.

Whoa, you want to cancel your order for a tan carpet? And you do, too?

Seriously, old friend, if you're smart, you'll keep your nose out of the Titanic

Museum's business.

I'm just looking out for you here.

Turtles, you ruined me!

Look out! He's got an industrial -sized staple gun!

It's not that bad. You're gonna make it, buddy.

On the contrary.

I'm signing off for the last time. Rip, listen to me. I messed up. Got in too

deep with the Titanic people. You don't know the whole truth.

The lock, Rip.

The lock is the key.

Goodbye, my dear sweet friend.

All right, call the coroner. We got a big fucking corpse there.

Uh, okay, so Chardal's turned out to be a bust.

We gotta blow the lid off this thing fast. The body counts...

rising. All right, let's get back to the clue. Chortles said the lock is the

key. Hmm.

What if he didn't mean a lock of hair, but instead some other sort of lock?

Or what if he did mean a lock of hair? Saltine, you're brilliant. Let's see.

Some fire, some fire.

Yes, this scrapbook has a lock of Rose's hair. I could send it off to be DNA

tested. We'll just have to wait 48 hours for the result. Which just so happens

to be the perfect amount of time to finally binge watch all 48 episodes of

acclaimed prestige TV show, The Boddingtons.

And that's why we'll always be the Boddingtons. Well, that sucks!

We weren't wondering why they were the Boddingtons.

The DNA results are in.

Oh, my goggles.

They had a daughter!

Go away!

Wait, Liber -

your parents are jack and rose from the titanic and the lusitania i have no idea

what you're talking about we know the truth about them but if there's more to

the story we want to hear it jack and rose taught an entire generation of

teenagers what it means to be horny you got the wrong old lady you know what

forget it saltine let's just go tell the world the truth

Dang. When it turned out the lock is the key meant Jack and Rose had a daughter,

I was hoping she could explain why they sunk all those ships. Me too. But she

said she's not the right person, and frankly, I believe her. I mean, the lead

did come from that jokester Chortle, so I guess we should have taken it the way

I take my pretzels, with a grain of salt.

Whoop! Hold on, my phone's ringing.

It's Swooper. Oh, yeah. I was wondering what he and Agatha have been up to for

the past week.

I bought this farmhouse a couple of years ago. It's really off the beaten

so we should be safe. Wow, me in a small town?

I'll certainly miss my metropolitan lifestyle in the big city.

Two macchiatos, please. I'm afraid we only have regular old coffee here.

Guessing you don't get too many worldly globetrotters in here, huh? It's gonna

be hard for me to adjust to life in this podunk town!

I couldn't help it over here because you're screaming, but this town actually

has a lot of charms. May I give you a tour?

That'd be great.

Okay, let's go see Shitsville.

Tell me what you want this year.

Our number one export is hot cocoa.

Our number two export is tiny little marshmallows. Our number three export is

fracking. And we have horse -drawn sleighs instead of cars and carrot

instead of gas stations.

And, uh... Where can I find a vibrant experimental theater scene? You can't.

Okay. Me and my bodega guy are going to have a good laugh about this. Wow.

That's the mayor's house. And yes, it is made out of gingerbread. Kind of makes

me want to take a bite.

I'm actually freezing my two nuts off. The Christmas bird town tree. Whoever

wins the cookie baking competition gets delighted. Lady, I think I speak for

both of us when I say who gives a shit.

Off! Because at Christmas time, I only want you.

This gingerbread cookie tastes as good as one of my house's walls.

The winner is Agatha.

Huzzah!

I'm so pissed off.

Who would do something like this?

I saw the whole thing.

It was smooth.

Let's find him and kill him. We'll tear him limb from limb and bathe in his

blood.

Agatha, I'm scared.

It's going to be all right.

I miss working for Rip. Going all over the world. So great. Don't worry.

Soon we're going to work for Rip again.

You mean it? Yep, we're going to work for Rip. And you're going to fly a big,

shiny airplane in the sky.

And there's going to be rabbits on the plane. All the soft, furry rabbits you

can imagine.

Stop right there.

Drop the gun.

Wait, you're going to blow my head off? Give me your phone.

Hold on, the phone's ringing.

it's swooper hey swooper real quick don't talk shit about saltine because i

you on speaker okay go this isn't swooper it's iceberg it is but you're

talking like a pirate at all yes because it's no longer talk like a pirate day i

have your friends if you ever want to see him again let's make a trade your

friends for the scrapbook

rip just tell cornelia i had a wonderful first date yeah rip don't do it just

give me a proper lesbian funeral tomorrow night 11 p .m meet me at pier

new york city the very pier where the titanic was supposed to dock oh shit

okay yeah we'll be there and then you'll go down faster than the titanic herself

assuming you have a plan saltine do you no

I'm sorry, Saltine. I was trying to teach you that exposing the truth is

any consequence.

But then as soon as I faced real consequences, I buckled like the back

Garfield's owner's last name.

Hello, Rip.

What the hell?

Is it International Crazy Hat Day or something? Yes. Now, the scrapbook.

it to me.

Okay. Of course. Just one second.

Here I go.

What's the holdup? Is revealing the truth more important than your friend's

lives?

And Archie of the Year goes to Rip Digman.

Obrigado. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Rip Digman has just hit a grand slam to win the World Series.

And on the eve of his wedding to Princess Beautiful.

And it's a super.

I did it.

Well,

you had a good ride, buddy.

Did you hear that? Wait a sec. Where are they?

What's the holdup? Is revealing the truth more important than your friend's

lives?

No!

And sadly, Rip and his two friends could not be here today.

And I now know what I must do.

All right, now you can just go ahead and hand over Swooper and Agatha like we

agreed. And hey!

Let them keep the funny hat. Oh, they can keep the hat in their coffins. You

double -crossed us. You know the truth about Jack and Rose. We certainly can't

let you live. He said, unaware of a huge zit on his forehead.

Whoa! Holy cow!

Whoa!

Laverne? What in the dickens is going on?

In polite society, a thank you would be in order. Oh, yeah, thank you. I'm still

just a little freaked out from seeing four guys. Let's get their heads blown

clean off.

I mean, I still got prefrontal cortex on my face. And let's just say it smells

like brain gunk. You saved us.

Even though we're the ones who want to reveal the truth about your parents.

That's why I saved you, you nincompoop. My whole life, I hid the truth about my

parents because I thought it would hurt people.

But you showed me that hurting people is exactly what the Titanic Museum is

doing. It's time to put an end to this madness and tell the world what I know.

Oh, okay.

Well, in that case, why did they sink all those ships?

My parents had a rare sexual predilection. They could only get turned

on the deck of a sinking ship.

Like the characters in that David Cronenberg movie, Crash. But instead of

crashes, it was shipwrecks. Okay.

No, that makes sense. If they weren't sinking a ship, Jack couldn't get hard,

and Rose couldn't ovulate. We're not quite sure that's exactly how the

works, but sounds like they were pretty convinced. I'm a doctor, and I can say

that is how the science works. Thank you. But I should warn you, I'm a bit of

quack. Will you shut the fuck up?

That's why they murdered thousands of people, so they could start a family.

this really ruins Jack and Rose for everyone.

So why tell us this? Because of one man, Rip Digman. Ah, so this is all Rip

Digman's fault. Wait, I wouldn't say it's my fault. I mean, they're the ones

sank all those ships. I just revealed the truth, which is my solid duty as

anarchy.

for exposing the truth, huh, Rip? Uh -huh. You know what I mean? That thing

kept saying to me? Yeah. Seems like it's kind of coming full circle and biting

me in the ass. All right, I vaguely see your point, Saltine. And I suppose it

would be ironic if I happened to give three shits!

After all, we are...

The Boddingtons. This show sucks!

Doesn't it at least feel good to all be back together again? Not if we have to

watch this shit. It gets good, briefly, and then really bad again for the whole

rest of it. Come on! Oh, I miss you guys.

Yep. Enjoy the time you have left, Saltine. What does that mean? You'll

soon enough. Sometime between the second and third annual Archie Picnics. What?

All right, bring it in, you knuckleheads.

Rip Digman and his friends were not so nice as we imagined.

Perhaps their names need to be added to a different list.

Let's go to India and find this sorry.

On the next Dig Me. Right now? Well, I don't really like to get a haircut

a big trip, but I guess you're right. This is pretty urgent, so let's go!