All language subtitles for According To Jim S03e09 The Imaginary Friend

my pinky princess on a pony?

Sure, sure.

Do you love rainbows?

Well, actually, I prefer football.

Why don't you go see if Mommy still has
the receipt?

Oh, baby.

Hey. Hey, what are you doing home?

Well, I missed you, and I thought I'd
surprise you for lunch. Oh, that is so

sweet. Yeah, it is, isn't it? Okay, come
on, let's go.

What? Come on, I only have a half hour
to send you to heaven and back.

I can't. Oh, come on. It'll only be five
minutes. We'll leave our shirts on. No,

no.

I gotta go pick up Kyle at Dana's. All
right, fine.

Okay, Andy, come on in. It ain't
happening.

Thank God. It's getting nippy out there.

You make Andy wait outside?

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's my choice.

You get a little loud.

All right, Jim, don't forget you have to
be home at seven. We have Emily's baby

shower tonight.

Oh, yeah, that.

I can't. What?

Gus is coming into town tonight.

Since when?

Since this morning. He called me. He's
going to be at the airport.

The Gusmeister's coming in?

Mind if I tag along for a salty story or
two?

I don't think so. You know, his wife
just left him, and I think he needs to

to an old friend. We've had these plans
for weeks.

I know, honey, but he's just going to be
in town tonight.

Oh, honey, come on. It's a couple
shower. I don't want to go alone.

I'll go with you, Cheryl.

Yeah.

Guess it's just me and my palm tonight.

My organizer. I like to

play games on it.

Shame on you.

We have to look at your wedding album
again. I get it. You're married. I'm

Let's move on.

look for pictures of Gus.

Jim's friend?

Yeah, Jim swears he was at her wedding,
but I don't remember him at all.

Is that him?

No, that's Seth somebody. I made out
with him under the gift table.

It's so frustrating.

Gus always shows up at the worst time.

Who's that? Is that Gus?

No, that's Mike somebody. I made out
with him in the coat room.

I don't get it. When Jim doesn't want to
do something, he just says no.

Yeah, but he only gets a certain amount
of no's a month, and he fused them all

up. Yeah. He said no to the school
fundraiser, no to the Geiger's

and no to Donna Carter's birthday party.

Wait. Donna had a party? Why wasn't I
invited?

She's not a fan.

Hey, that. Is that him?

No, that's Marv's somebody.

He was a fan.

And all I'm saying is if a werewolf bit
a vampire, he'd still have trouble with

the sunlight.

Oh, look at us there. Look at that.
Yeah, I know.

Check me out. A randy 19 -year -old with
nothing but a pink tuxedo and a kidney

stone hours from passing.

What a night.

Honey, would you point out Gus to me? I
can't find him. Sure.

Let's see.

Where would he be? Oh, right there.

That's the back of someone's head.

Yeah. That's the back of Gus's head.

You know, Jim, it's weird.

Gus is your oldest... friend. I don't
have any idea what he looks like. I

know anything about him.

No, his name is Gus Demas. We grew up
together. What else do you need to know?

What's his birthday?

June 15, 1960.

Where does he live?

San Diego.

College?

Syracuse. Job?

He runs a B &B.

Hobbies?

He makes driftwood sculptures.

He also chairs the local chapter of the
California Sea Lions Foundation.

And you know what else?

At the wedding, he said you were the
most beautiful bride he'd ever seen.

Ring a bell?

Maybe that last part.

What about me? Did he say anything about
me? He's not a fan.

I can't believe she doesn't remember
Gus.

He's practically family.

Andy, there is no Gus.

What? I made him up.

The Gusmeister? The Gusman?

Greyhound Gus?

Completely fake.

What about those great stories you've
told?

Like the time you guys were on that bus
and if it went below 55, it would

explode?

Or when you were fishing for that giant
shark that was terrorizing the local

beach community?

Look, let me explain, Gus, and then
we're going to take a little trip to the

video store.

Wait, Jim.

Why would you make up an imaginary
friend?

I want to get him out of things. I mean,
like this...

couple's baby shower.

Just tell Cheryl no. Oh, no, no, no. In
marriage, there are only so many no's

per month.

And this month particularly, she had a
ton of boring crap that burned right

through all my no's.

So, unless I want to hear her complain
and complain and complain and complain,

play the Gus card.

Wow.

Cheryl actually keeps track of how many
times you say no. Handy.

A marriage.

is a giant scorecard.

And by the end, I just want to be a
little below par.

Well, mission accomplished. Thank you.

And, Dana, will you ever have a baby?
Oh, of course I will, sweetie.

But what if you don't? What did I just
say? Now get off my back.

Dana, Dana, I just checked the guest
list for the wedding. There is no Gus

Demas. Oh, you've got to confront Jim.
No, I can't. I can't. There's always

1 % chance I'm wrong.

And if I am, he'll torture me for the
rest of my life. No.

No, I need an airtight case.

Okay, I'm off to the airport, so have
fun with that thing.

Okay, great.

Great. Honey, what time do you think
you'll be back?

Oh, I don't know. You know, Gus is
pretty torn up. He's going to need to

out a little bit. Yeah.

Can't really put a clock on that.

Right. Yeah, I'll probably be back about
10 .30. Sounds right. See you then.

Okay.

Dana. Call me on my cell phone in five
seconds. What are you doing?

I'm going to go to the airport and meet
Gus.

Yes!

Hey,

look, girls.

Somebody's part of Mommy's secret plan
and you're not. Who's the loser now?

Hey, Jim. Yes, yes, yes. Would you give
my best to Gus and tell him how sorry I

am about him and his wife? Oh, I will.

Oh, thank you so much for understanding.
Yeah. You know, if he had a wife like

you, he wouldn't be in this mess.

Oh, I mean...

Hold that thought.

Yellow.

Oh, hey, Emily. Yeah, I was just about
to... What?

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, tomorrow night's great.

Okay, I'll see you then. All right. Bye
-bye.

What? Well, Emily's two -year -old is
throwing up, so she has to postpone the

shower.

What a shame.

Okay, see you later. No, no, honey.

You don't get it. Now he's going to the
airport.

Oh, to see Gus?

Well, yeah, and to comfort him.

I mean, unless there's some reason you
think I shouldn't go.

No.

Great, let's go.

All right.

But, you know, if Gus wants to go to a
strip club, you've got to come along.

No problem.

single but

if i

give you 20 bucks you'd be my friend

What does he look like? Can you at least
describe him? I wish I could tell you.

But it's just, you know, he changes his
hairstyle all the time. He yo -yos and

wait back and forth. I mean, he's like
Madonna, always reinventing himself.

Well, you know, I'll tell you, I'm
getting a little tired of this. This is

only flight in from San Diego, and all
the bags have been picked up.

Oh, there's one right there.

It says oranges.

Well, it's got to be his.

He's from San Diego.

They eat a lot of oranges out there.

I mean, they just grow on trees. You
just pick them.

I know how fruit works, Jim.

Hey. Hey.

What are you doing here?

Babysitting. No, no, no. I was supposed
to babysit tonight.

I can't believe they double booked us.

I know. I'm sick of it, too. So piece by
piece, I'm stealing their good china.

But Cheryl's car's outside. I thought
she went to the baby shower.

Change of plans. She went with Jim to
the airport to meet Gus.

Interesting.

You know what?

I'm really thirsty.

Do you like our teacher? I like our
teacher. Do you want another word for

stupid? It's pathetic.

Gracie, I need the phone.

She's going to have to call you back.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're a stinky butt,
too.

No, you are. No, no, no, you're a stinky
butt.

Infinity!

Hi, Mr.

Anderson.

Jim? Yes?

I just talked to the airline. All the
passengers are off the plane.

Weird.

Yeah, is there something you want to
tell me?

Hello? You missed your flight. That is
so you.

Yeah, yeah, no, your oranges made it.
Yep, they did.

Uh -huh. Tomorrow night. Sure, tomorrow
night would be great.

Listen, Cheryl wants to talk to you.

So don't hang up.

Gus!

There's nobody there.

Darn cell phones. You know what? You got
the radar in the airport. Probably

threw off all the calibrations.

The calibrations?

Yeah, calibrations. I mean, I could
explain it to you, but it'd just confuse

you.

Hey, you know what, though? You could
see Gus tomorrow night. Oh, you got

Baby shower tomorrow night.

Come on, can you give Cheryl a break
here?

Okay.

Confession time.

What? The shower is actually tonight.

What do you mean, tonight?

Well, yeah, well, you know, I really
didn't want to go without you, and I

to meet Gus, so I kind of played with
the truth a little bit.

Isn't that a hoot?

I may be old -fashioned, but since when
was it a hoot to lie to your spouse?

I know, I know. I'm sorry, but honey,
look.

Now I can still meet Gus, huh? In fact,
why don't you bring him over for dinner?

That sounds like a great idea.

To me, too.

Hey, and you know what? If we hurry, we
can still make it to the shower.

But didn't the shower start already?

I mean, you know... Well, you know,
honey, we probably misnamed Kaiser. We

still make it for diaper pin bingo.

Wait.

Do you have to get Gus's oranges?

Guess I have to.

Of course he's coming.

You know what? I should have just picked
him up at the airport myself.

But he felt so bad about last night that
he took a cab.

Oh, that guts.

That's one considerate guy.

There's a name for people like that.

What?

Considerate.

I just said it like two seconds ago.
Where were you?

Listen, girls, why don't you guys take a
breadstick and go upstairs and I'll

call you when he gets here.

Okay?

And look.

You think death might not be coming?

Cheryl, don't say that!

Hey, I'm not worried.

Cheryl!

Andy, attend to me.

Can you look at him?

I got him on the ropes. He's got no
moves left.

Yeah, you played him like a big sweaty
violin.

Yeah.

But in case death is real and good
-looking, I'm just gonna... Would you

those away?

Nobody's coming.

It's got to be Gus.

Oh, Gus.

Hey, I have a telegram.

Sure, telegrammer.

I'll take that.

Thank you.

Oh, you want a tip?

Here's a little California sunshine.

shaking too much, you read it.

Hey, hold on, hold on.

Bad news from San Diego.

No! Stop.

Gus Demas passed away this morning.

Yes, yes, my young, young, beautiful
bride.

Nothing.

I guess we'll be having dinner without
you, then.

Sure.

How could you eat at a time like this?

Gus, my friend, my best friend, that
I've known since this high is now laying

cold on a slab.

What are we having for dinner?

Lasagna.

That was Gus's favorite dish.

All right, well, out of respect for Gus,
I should have two portions.

Gus liked wine, didn't he, Jim? Yes.

Gus left it to him in his will.

What?

I'm really sorry I keep beating you,
buddy. I guess I just got a little angel

sitting on my shoulder. Right, Gus?

Yes,

I'd like to make a donation to the
California Sea Lion Foundation.

What?

and Gus by making a donation to his
favorite charity.

Yeah, I'd like to donate $200, please.

$200? Cheryl, um... You know what?

You're right. He was your oldest friend.

I'd like to donate $400.

Yeah, $500.

Right.

A receipt for tax purposes?

No,

that seems tacky.

Oh, okay, yeah. I need your credit card.

Thank you, honey.

No.

Thank you.

You know, you guys could really use some
counseling.

Eh, probably.

Jim, how are you going to get out of
this one? It's 500 bucks.

Andy, it is a small price to pay for a
man like Gus Demas.

Think of the big picture.

All the weddings, all the baby showers I
got out of.

It is the best money I ever spent.

To Gus.

To Gus.

appreciate the gesture, and you know who
else is going to appreciate it?

Sherman.

Sherman?

Yeah, you know Sherman. He grew up with
me and Gus.

Actually, Andy and I were just about to
go see him.

Where were we, Andy?

Yes, Jim.

Yes, we were.

Yeah, you see, Sherman's all broken up,
losing Gus and all, so we thought we'd

go and bowl away the pain.

Come on, Andy.

Jim, Jim, there is no Sherman. If there
was, I'd remember him.

Really? Yes.

Well, then who was sitting next to Gus
at the wedding?

You're such a good woman, honey.

Just a bad memory.

Hey,

Andy, did I tell you the time that
Sherman was in Vegas and a guy offered

million dollars to sleep with his wife?

It's a decent proposal.