Original subtitles

Cheryl, this is my partner, Officer Lorraine Elkin.

Pleasure to meet you, citizens.

Yes!

Just don't see what's to harm in suggesting that Danny ask Lorraine out.

there are certain unwritten rules that men honor. I know, I know. Eye straight

ahead at the urinal.

We may not even have been married if Danny hadn't meddled the night we met.

Danny? Yeah, that night in the bar.

Okay, we gotta go. See ya.

No, no, no. You can't go. Why?

Because Jim really likes you. Now, come on. Let's go in there and just ask her

into the ball.

Come on. She's going to say yes. I guarantee you.

She's going to the ball with me.

What?

Oh, I see.

Getting a little late. I think I'd better just go home and clean my gun.

Jim, walk me to my car.

and you just let it happen?

I could kill Andy. I worked so hard to get Danny and Lorraine together.

Well, why do you try to fix data up with someone?

I wouldn't mind if she never spoke to me the rest of her life.

Danny won't be mad at you forever.

Oh, come on, please.

I think your credibility is a little tenuous right now.

Why don't you leave a thesaurus on the crap or you take your chances?

You know, Jim, all my instincts are telling me there's something there.

Just throw a wrench in things. Now, what we have to do... Whoa, whoa, whoa. We?

No, no, no. What we did already is we screwed things up good.

No more meddling. That's it. Come on. Uh -uh.

Oh, she couldn't take her eyes off him.

It's like I used to look at you before you started peeing with the door open.

Oh, honey, come on.

Uh -uh.

Tell Andy not to take Lorraine.

Why does it always have to be me?

Why does Jim talk to Andy? Jim, take out the garbage. Jim, get off me.

I'll talk to Andy like I do everything.

You just sit there with a beer in your hand watching TV.

Uh, Cheryl.

What? There's no beer in my hand.

Hey, so is Danny going to take Lorraine to the ball?

No.

Andy beat him to the punch.

And your sister won't let go of it. I don't know why she's so hell -bent on

getting the two of them together when I'm sitting here all single.

Well, you know, you do the easy ones first, then you tackle the miracles.

No, I think she feels obligated because she believes that Danny is responsible

for putting us together.

Excuse me, if anyone gets credit for getting you together, it should be me.

So did I tell you I love my mother and I have a full -time job?

Does that do anything for you? No.

Harry, keep the wine coolers coming.

Hey, hey.

I need to talk to you privately.

Oh, no problem. I can take a hint.

Perfect timing.

I've got to take the Browns to the Super Bowl.

Oh, my God.

You're going to think I'm crazy, but I'm going to let that gym guy walk me home.

Oh, Cheryl, not the dancing machine.

Oh,

there's Chad.

I forgot I told him I was going to be here. You've got to help me. Look,

he's your boyfriend. What do you want me to do?

I need to do something to keep him here. I don't want him to see me walking you,

Cheryl. Please.

I'll try to think of something. Okay.

Hey, Dana.

Hey, Chad. Where's Cheryl? She said she'd be here tonight.

Yeah, but she's not.

Okay, I'll just wait for her outside.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't do that. Don't do that.

No, no, no.

Because she, um... She's, uh... Because... Oh!

She had a boyfriend?

No, Jim. She jumped right out of the convent and into the bar where you met

I left a message for Andy. I told him I'd call him tomorrow.

Wait, here's a thought.

Why don't you ask your boyfriend, Chad, to talk to Andy?

The 12 years that we've been talking about the night we met, you never

you had a boyfriend.

Come on. Obviously, it was mysterious.

Boyfriend, I broke up with him for you.

What's the problem?

Here's the problem. A, you had a boyfriend.

B, you forced Dana to make out with him. And C, the erotic quality of my dancing

was totally lost on you.

You made out with him.

Did you like it?

I don't know. Did you?

That's gross.

Have you been eating bugs?

No.

Hey, Cheryl.

Hey. What's up? Wow.

Whoa. Rocky Road brownies? Oh, yeah.

Wow.

I haven't had these since...

Since you had to tell me Kitty Mittens got hit by a truck. Oh, dear God, what's

wrong? All right, look, look.

Andy, I don't want to hurt you, but you're standing in the way of true love.

Danny really likes Lorraine. Lorraine likes him. So would you please be the

bigger man and cut her loose?

Wait, wait, wait a minute. You'd rather see Danny happy instead of your own

brother? I'm just saying.

The love train is rolling, and you've got to get off the tracks.

Maybe these brownies will soften the blow.

No deal. Why?

Because women can make me brownies, but brownies can't make me women.

Okay, but Danny helped Jim and I get together the night we met.

Oh, I see.

And Danny was the only one helping you two get together that night. Well, if

there was Dana.

What about me?

Oh, me.

You were too young to even get into Hannigan.

Who said you had to get into Hannigan's to make a difference?

Beat it, kid.

You're not 21.

Oh, sure, sure I am. It says right here on my military ID.

Yeah, right.

You let you wear your hair like that in the Army?

I put it up when I'm on recon.

You said goodbye.

I don't think so, Slim.

How was I fighting for over there?

Oh, you know what? I forgot my jacket.

All right, but look. Don't stick out the back door because I got it locked.

Yes.

Nick, how you doing?

You know, same old, same old.

Some girl you got in there.

Hey, man, forget it. She's way out of your league.

Hey, but she's got a sister.

No, she's out of your league, too.

Really? Yeah.

I thought you by the end of the night I could show you a picture of them in the

bathtub with me.

You're a creepy little kid, aren't you?

So I've been told.

Hey, listen.

Think you're going to get lucky tonight? Oh, brother, I'm lucky just meeting

this one.

She is so sweet.

Patty. Oh, who's Patty? My girlfriend.

What? You have a girlfriend?

Yes. I've been trying to break up with her for like three weeks now, but it's

been really hard.

I'm using her car, you know?

I thought that plot looked easy.

Hey, watch your mouth.

Listen, you know what? She's a nice lady, you know? Show some respect.

All right, take it easy.

Wow.

You really dig this, Cheryl, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If Patty blows it for me,

I'm keeping her car.

Wait,

what does Patty do for a living?

She's a registered nurse.

Nurse?

It's almost too easy.

I need

a registered nurse.

What happened?

Some fat chick fell down. She'll be all right.

had a girlfriend.

Interesting.

Cheryl, I tell you a tale of sacrifice and heroism, and all you can take away

from it is that Jim had a girlfriend. That you never told me about.

You know, I'm surprised at Jim, but I'm disappointed in you.

Well, I'm disappointed in your brownies. Oh, yeah, and you know what? Another

thing. I'm not only taking Lorraine to the ball, but I'm going to take these

disappointing brownies as a thank you. Twelve years too late.

Just like your pork chops.

I'll make the computer.

I'll make the computer.

Order him to rob some liquor stores.

Hey, Jim. Yeah? You take my car. I got fake tags.

And the mind of a child.

Uh,

Dana? May I cut in?

Oh, sure.

Really? Yeah, you're a good guy.

Keep smiling. Hide the pain.

Look at him over there.

Miserable and alone.

And if you hadn't tried to play Cupid, he'd just be alone right now.

I wish we had somebody else to fix him up with.

Is Nurse Patty available?

Jenny was a nice girl.

She had a nice car. That's different.

You know what I liked about Patty? What? She knew how to let things go.

Let go.

Go ahead. Why don't you just say it?

Cheryl, you were wrong.

Cheryl, you shouldn't have been meddling.

Cheryl, boxer briefs are fruity.

I kind of like the boxer briefs.

There's a break in it, period.

They're nice.

I still think Danny and Lorraine belong together.

I just think it stinks that it's never going to happen.

Hey, you boxy lady, you want a twirl? Oh, Tony, I'd love to, but Jimmy gets so

jealous. Oh, that's cool, baby. Go on.

Beat it.

Hey, Dana. Beat it.

Nice party.

Yeah. Yeah, you know what would make it even better? What? If I could stop

thinking about you making out with Chad Golditch.

Chad, I was trying to help. Help? By sticking your tongue down his throat?

Any consolation, I promise you I will never stick my tongue down Jim's throat.

Oh, please. I don't even do that anymore.

I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry, too.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Beat it.

Hey, Danny.

Hey, Jim.

You ready to jump up on stage and do that song?

I'm kind of busy here. Doing what?

Visiting. My real friends, Professor Jin and Field Marshal Von Tonic.

They're always here for me.

All right, that's it. You come in with me. Where are we going? Come on. You're

going to explain to Lorraine how you feel.

Look, I played that game, and I lost.

I had an incompetent coach.

That's another story. Oh, yeah? Is it as riveting as a story about the cut -off

corduroy pants?

Forget it.

Jim, I'm better off alone.

Now I feel like an idiot for showering.

Alone, alone, alone.

I'm better off alone.

We're not better off alone, Danny.

Come on.

What would have happened if I never met Cheryl? Where would you find me today?

Well, a guy I knew was headed for a full denim wardrobe with numbers over the

shirt pocket.

And you'd still be up in a tree naked with a crown of beer bottles screaming,

I'm the queen of England.

That only happened once.

And I believed it at the time. I know you did.

Come on, man. The point is that maybe Lorraine is your sheriff.

You don't want to pass up on that, do you?

She passed up on me.

I asked her out. She said no. You didn't ask her out. You asked her if she

needed a ride.

I don't know how much clearer I could have been. Well, you can be clear now,

Your Highness. Come on.

You know, I've never made love to a cop before.

Not intentionally, anyway.

I get lost, pal.

I'm reeling in this merch.

All right, look.

I'm going to make this short, simple, and clear. What are you doing? I am

to give fate a hand. Move.

Now, look.

I don't want to hear anything about being married to the badge or Lady

You two are sad and lonely people with a desperate need for some companionship.

So, you know,

You talk amongst yourselves now.

Andy!

Lorraine, you don't have to stand here and talk to me.

I have no legal right to detain you.

You like me?

Well, you are a woman possessed of certain non -displeasing attributes,

a man like myself would perhaps... Just say yes.

I'm as swollen and bloated with love for you as that John Doe we fished out of

Lake Michigan.

Wow. He was a ripe one, too.

How could you do that to me? I spent three hours getting the love den ready.

put on the zebra sheets.

I know, Andy, I know. I know it's a bummer for you.

Look, how can I make it up to you?

I don't know.

A hug would be nice.

Look, we're in the middle of a room full of cops.

How about a hitch?

together? Yes.

You're welcome.

Did you do that?

Well, I said men don't meddle. I didn't say we weren't good at it.

Oh, thank you.

Your brother's a little bum.

Andy.

Oh, honey, don't worry. There's somebody out there for you. I know, I know.

You're a catch.

They'll be lining up to meet you. You have a good heart. You should take

care of it. That is true.

You're Chris? Danny and Lorraine? We know.

Andy, you know what? You have a good heart. You should take better... Hey,

man, you want to dance?

I guess so.

I'm dancing with my sister.

It's like my senior prom all over again.

Hey, beauty.

Hey.

You want a bus to move?

Oh, no, please don't. Oh, come on, come on. I'll behave.

Yeah, they are. That's nice to see them live.

Well, I guess you were right.

Fate intervened. No.

No, we intervened. We did it. Us.

What are you saying?

Well... Tip?

I mean, to the night we got together, everybody helped.

It may not have happened if it weren't for that. I mean, you know, maybe it's

not fate at all.

I don't know.

I don't know. Maybe fate is...

Being in the right place at the right time, Spin.

That's true.

You know, fate did put us in hand against each other.

Oh, yeah.

That was lucky.

Okay, so he's a doctor, but doctors without borders?

Where's the money in that?

You keep being that picky and you're still going to be alone in 10 years.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Yeah, like I'm going to be alone.

You know what? The truth for me is that I really just don't care that much about

luck. I mean it. I mean, I just want a hardworking guy who loves me and makes

laugh. Good luck.

Oh, and it wouldn't hurt if he was a great dancer.

Irving Park.

Good night. All right, great.

Where?

Oh.

Where? Oh, Hannigan's, 9 o 'clock. Oh.