All language subtitles for According To Jim S02e13 You Gotta Love Somebody (1)

Yeah. Want to see it on Collusion?

Sure. Hold your fingers like this. Okay.

Now touch the tip together.

Okay.

What are you doing?

It's funny.

Honey, that's not funny. It's not funny
when you trick somebody and you hit

them. I'm sorry, Daddy.

It's okay, baby. It's okay.

Just don't do it again.

Hey. Hey, Dana.

Hey, Dana.

You want to see an optical illusion?

Sure.

Okay.

Take it to your fingers like this. Okay.

Watch the tips and try to bring it
together.

Ow!

What's that?

Where did the groupie learn it from?

Okay, Ruby, that's to you.

Four pesos.

Honey, one of those has a bite out of
it. Just bet three.

In or out, Daddy?

I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in.

Gotta go to the ATM machine.

Jim.

You signed your truck over to Ruby two
hours ago. Just walk away.

You just violated household security
rule number 2A.

Never open the door to a stranger,
Danger.

Did you bring me something?

Yeah. I have a puppy and some candy in
my van.

No, no, no, no.

Try to work on those home security
rules, huh, Jim? Yeah, Danny, good to

you. Cheryl, how are you? Danny, I'm
good.

Well, you've been waiting for him all
year. Yes.

Tickets to the policeman's bar.

Your security that you feel in your home
right now is predicated upon me

patrolling the mean streets of an even
meaner city, knowing that at any moment

may go toe -to -toe with some hammer
-wielding psychopath.

So, can you stay?

Yeah, why not?

Hey, Danny, can you talk to the brass
about the policeman's ball? I want the

band to play.

They went for it. They did?

Great, great, great. How much more do we
need to pay?

Nothing. The open bar?

God, no.

Preferred parking?

Negatory.

All right, we'll do it.

A semi -professional non -paying gig.
I'm so happy for you.

Thank you. Hold on a second.

Well, hello. Come on in.

Come in.

Officer Radjowski, I know these people
are your friends, but there is an

cable hookup out there.

Well, that was their... when we moved
in.

I mean, it's the reason we picked the
house.

Come on in.

Jim, Cheryl, this is my partner, Officer
Lorraine Elkin.

Pleasure to meet you, citizens.

Yes, we first met on a multiple suspect
437.

When I arrived at the scene, this
diminutive minion of justice was laying

nightstick right in the immobilizing
nerve cluster of that perp.

Can you believe I... get paid for this?

Can I see your handcuffs? You break the
law, ma 'am, you'll see the handcuffs

soon enough.

I think you better push this little
suspect right here. Oh, oh, oh,

that's going to stain. Why don't you
come into the kitchen? I'll get that

It's okay, honey. It's okay, baby. I see
you have a lovely home here, Cheryl.

Thank you.

It's a burglar magnet. Close those
windows at night.

How about you stop by the garage
tomorrow? The band is rehearsing. We'll

a song for the ball.

All right.

What's been going on here? A little
poker?

Yeah. You know, as a law enforcement
officer, I really should stop this game.

He didn't see anything.

See, the trick is to dab, not rub.

Oh.

Thanks.

You know, if you ever find yourself
confronted by an armed assailant, aim

the brachial tendon of the gun arm.

When you hear that pop, you'll know
you're home.

Thank you.

See? Look, it's almost gone.

Thanks. Yeah? I'm wearing these to the
ball.

What? You're not going to wear a gown?

Well, the only dresses I own are for
when I go undercover as a hooker.

I can see how that might not be right.

But come on.

Don't you want to look pretty for the
guys?

You do like guys, don't you?

I get that question a lot. I don't know
why.

Of course.

You know what?

My sister and I are taking you to the
mall tomorrow. We are going to get you a

gown.

Say, we'll take my squad car.

Oh, yeah, I can park anywhere I want.

That is so much better than Jim's
homemade handicap placard.

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Why do I know I'm going to find a whole
lot of shoes in that bag and nothing for

the boss?

Here, these were on sale.

Boxer briefs?

Next stop, San Francisco.

Honey, Lorraine needed everything. She
didn't even have eye shadow. Can you

believe that?

Cheryl, I am not wearing these.

And she talked about Danny the whole
time. I think she has a crush on him.

Cheryl, these look too clingy.

Lincoln and Douglas need room to debate.

All right, take them back. Now focus.

I think Lorraine has a crush on Danny.
No.

and neither of them has a date for the
ball. Stop right there.

Oh, come on. They're perfect for each
other. Cheryl, look who's not focusing

right now. No, I'm not going to do it. I
just don't see what's to harm in

suggesting that Danny asks Lorraine out.
Cheryl, there are certain unwritten

rules that men honor. I know, I know.
Eyes straight ahead at the urinal.

But even more important, men don't
meddle in other men's love life.

Now just drop it.

Good. Yeah, it's great.

It's too quiet.

I can hear you not letting it go.

I'm not asking you to meddle. I just
think it would be nice if you would

Danny in Lorraine's direction.

What is it with you? Why can't people
just be single?

You can't even relax unless every woman
has paired up with some guy that she can

nag to his grave.

Well, I mean, I'm gonna... Talking about
our marriage.

You know what? Stop right there. You're
only allowed to dig yourself one hole at

a time.

Honey, you know I love our marriage. I
know. Honey, I know you do.

I know, but you know what?

We may not even have been married if
Danny hadn't meddled the night we met.

Danny? Yeah, that night in the bar.

We've been here six minutes and not one
guy has

hit on us. I have to think it's you.

I'm stoked. I think this place is
totally awesome and the people are so,

incoming.

Hi. How you doing?

How you doing?

I'm Danny, my friend Jim, and you must
be... Impressed. Not.

You got a great laugh.

Oh, come on. I'm sure you've heard lots
of girls laugh at you.

There it is.

There's that laugh again. That is
amazing.

Well, thank you. You're welcome. I'm
Cheryl. Cheryl. And this is my sister.

Agnes. Agnes.

I'm Agnes.

Cheryl, Agnes, can we get you ladies
anything? Oh, thank you.

Harry, we'd like two more wine coolers.
And I'd like to see the dinner menu,

please.

So, feeling the music?

Are you? Yeah.

Oh. Come on, Cheryl, you want to bust a
move? No.

Oh, come on. No, I'm not much of a
dancer. You are a dancer, I can tell.

Come on, I got the boogie. He's got
beat, Daddy.

It is contagious.

Come on, baby.

Come on, baby. Here.

So, uh, are you from Tennessee?

Because you're the only 10 I see.

Oh,

no, no, no. You can't go. Why? Because
Jim really likes you.

I've known him for a long time, and I've
never seen him like this.

We troll for chicks three times a week.

Oh, that's a good word.

No, no, no, wait a minute. Look, see
that TV up there?

Okay, that's the Blackhawks in overtime,
in the playoffs.

And all he wants to do is dance with
you.

You've got to respect that level of
commitment. I mean, look at him. He

even know you left yet.

the edges and there's probably a bypass
or two in his future but but he's a

really nice loyal guy

It's Ben.

You're good.

I didn't know Danny talked to you.

Yeah. And if he hadn't, I would have
left, and I would have never seen you

again.

But because of Danny, honey, I stayed.

Eventually, you stopped dancing.

Three kids later, here we are.

Come on, honey. Please talk to Danny
about Lorraine.

I guess so.

I mean, you do owe him.

I want an angel.

Of my own.

Someone to be with me when I'm wrong.

Make me feel special. Love me strong. I
want an angel.

Of my own. All right, back to the one,
guys. One more time.

I want an angel.

this mistake?

I can't wait to tell my parents that we
got a gig. Yeah, for the pigs. Hey, hey,

hey, hey.

A little respect here. Oink, oink at one
o 'clock.

No, thanks.

None taken.

It used to bother me until I realized
anyone calling me a pig is just one

planted baggy away from seven to ten in
Joliet.

I'm dead serious.

Your mom buy a gown yet?

No, she took one out of your dad's
closet.

Okay, calm down, calm down.

Why don't everybody take five, all
right? I got some beers in the house.

Hey, no staring at my wife and don't
talk to my kids.

How about you, Danny?

You got someone lined up, right?

No, I'm going stag.

Stag? Jim, I'm a lone wolf. I travel
fast and light.

It may seem sad and empty to you, but
when my underwear hit the floor at

I can be damn sure they're there in the
morning when I need them again.

No prospects, huh?

Not even a working girl who owes me a
favor.

Hey, how about that partner of yours?

She seems nice. Why don't you ask her
out?

Officer Elkin.

Looks like that old wolf's got a little
howl in his heart.

I have to admit,

When the muzzle flash from a .357 Magnum
dances across her alabaster skin, my

thoughts do stray to the unprofessional.

Great.

Ask her.

She'd never go for a career flatfoot
like me. I wouldn't be too sure about

What do you mean?

Well, Cheryl thinks she would.

You know, she's a chick. You know, they
pick up on cramp like this.

I don't know how I'd ask her or when.

Most days we're crammed into a squad car
with a 12 -gauge between us and some

shirtless drunk banging on the cage in
the back seat.

Well, how about this?

Why don't you bring her to the house?
We'll give her a little wine.

I'll have Cheryl cook dinner.

And if you feel more comfortable with a
shirtless drunk, I'm here for you.

Ask her to dinner.

Jim, Tony's staring at Cheryl.

I told him not to, so I don't care what
Jim says. You see, this is

what we call a light load bullet.

Half the gunpowder, so it doesn't go
through the perp and rip into the flesh

an innocent bystander.

lived happily ever after.

Okay, let's put the bullets away.

But we like the bullets. Come on, you
heard your mother. No clean plates, no

ammunition.

Next time when I come over, we'll tape
off your room and pretend it's a crime

scene.

He's so good with juvies.

Danny, wait till you see the dress the
ring got to wear to the ball.

Oh, yeah, we have... So much fun
shopping. I got this little plum number

the bronze.

And the rain is going to look really
good, too.

Did you hear that, Danny?

What do you think of that?

Yeah.

Well, uh... Yeah, I do some shopping
myself occasionally.

I bought some cut -offs the other day.

They, you know, they bear weight well.

And they're durable.

Wow, that's one hell of a great story,
huh, Lorraine?

I bet there's never a dull moment in
that squad car.

Huh, Danny?

They're like, they're pea green.

We heard it. We heard it.

Okay, girls, it's time for bed.

Can we sleep with a bullet?

No. No bullets in bed.

God, I'm going to be such a good mom.

Sure, you've got to give me the recipe
for that spring bean casserole. Oh,

actually, that's my recipe.

Really?

Cream of mushroom soup.

Good guess, but no, it's a shiitake
miso.

I'm going through this fusion influence
right now.

Come on, I'll write it down for you.
Great. I'll trade you one for a stew you

can make in a riot helmet. It may not
taste good, but it'll probably be the

meal you ever have.

Come on, go talk to Lorraine. Cheryl
lives to clear the table.

I don't mind.

All right. It's obvious he's too scared
to talk to Lorraine. You have to do

something. Me?

Yes. Come on, I put this whole thing
together.

I got them both here. I got you to cook
dinner. And I didn't even mention that

the pork chops were a little dry.

I have nothing more to give.

Okay.

I'm going to go help Dana with the kids.

You have a chance to save your friend
from a lifetime of loneliness and

And those pork chops aren't not fried.
Oh, please.

Daddy,

come on. You don't have to wash the
dishes.

Look, you just set it in the sink, and
the next day, they're clean.

That's Cheryl of yours. She's something,
Jim.

You're a lucky guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. With a little help.

from you that night at Hannigan's.

Cheryl told me you talked to her.

Well, you would have done the same for
me. I am trying to, Danny, but you're

making it very difficult.

Now, come on, let's go in there and just
ask her into the ball.

Why not?

What if she says no?

Then I look like a fool.

Then we're riding in a squad car, we're
sitting there, and she knows that I care

more about her than she does for me.

The awkward silence would kill me.

Got it. I would kill for that silence
here.

Just kidding. Come on.

Come on. She's going to say yes. I
guarantee you.

Come on. Let's just ask her. Come on.
Let's go. Come on.

Come on.

Get in there.

Oh, uh, by the way, Jim.

Sharon's pork chop.

Absolutely already here.

And then Jimmy Smits leaves and they
bring in the kid from Silver Spoons.

Officer Elkin.

Yes?

Since we're both going to the
Policeman's Ball, I thought it would be

if I swing by and pick you up.

As we have a mutual destination, which
would be the aforementioned Policeman's

Ball.

Well, I, uh... She's going to the ball
with me.

What?

Yeah, she's going to be my date.

Oh, I see.

Well, since everybody's transportation
needs are taken care of, I guess my

done.

Getting a little late, I think I'll call
it a night.

Can I give you a lift anywhere?

I'd be happy to take her.

Fine. I guess I can't give you a ride
anywhere.

Lucky for us all that Andy's here.

Well, have a good time and wear your
seatbelts. I'd hate to hose you both off

the highway.

Yeah, I'm a funny guy.

I think I'd better just go home and
clean my gun.

Jim?

Walk me to my car?