Original subtitles

What do you say there, fellas?

Hey, Marty.

Hey, that's quite a place you've got. Yeah, thanks, Harry. Hey, did you make

sales yet?

How can I make any sales? I just got the jacket.

Do you mean to tell me that your boss makes you wear that ridiculous jacket

there just to be a TV salesman? I'll lay off him, Arch. At least he's waking

again. You said it, Harry. And boy, it feels terrific.

Now, don't faint, huh? This is my first paycheck.

In four months.

Oh, well.

Cash it for me, will you, Harry?

Oh, and incidentally, how big is my tab?

$572 .33.

Excellent.

Apply five... No, you'd better make that $4 toward that, huh?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, Harry. Geez, let me see the chink there. Not

Bonnie's a regular person again.

Oh, my God. We can't take no $4 out of a pathetic check like that.

That's your weekly pay? That's terrible.

Jeez, your boss must be an awful thief there.

That's the same as I get my illegals out in the kitchen.

Oh, yeah.

Well, my boss made a very meaningful statement this morning, and I made a

of it.

He said I would make plenty of commissions as soon as I learned the

of molding the customer's product choice.

Oh, my God.

Help me with it, Mr. Van Rensselaer. What could this crampola possibly mean?

Conning the customer, right, Barney?

Similar, Mr.

Van Ard. Very similar.

Good night, Perry.

Oh, incidentally, Arch, how long has your TV been rolling like that?

Oh, it's been doing that for weeks. The vertical hold is shot. Ah, come on.

There ain't nothing wrong with the TV. I told you how to fix it. Take the towel

and hit it.

Oh, no, no, no. Give me the towel. Not in the front of the day. I told you, get

it on the side.

Like that.

All right, don't panic. Just hit it again.

Come on, then. Come on, then. Come on.

Maybe if he yelled mush.

Maybe you just shush.

Arch, that is definitely a faulty rectifier.

Or, unquestionably, your tuna is on the fritz.

Or, without a doubt, that is a bum picture tube.

Anyway, look, what's the difference? I can put a brand new set in there for

to nothing.

Hey, I tell you, after lunch, how about you and me ankling down to TV heaven

there and just browse around, huh?

You mean to say we could pick up a brand new TV set right after lunch? Yeah.

No.

Please, look, I need the sales.

I can't help you, Barney.

Of course, if we claimed it as a business expense, then Uncle Sam would

most of it.

Maybe I can help you, Barney.

Well, you know, seeing as how you're my closest friend in the world and you're

begging me so nice and all.

Hey, thanks, Arch.

Thanks a million.

Boy, you'll never regret this. Oh, Barney, I never regret nothing.

I don't know. It's a lot more than I planned for Spanish.

Louie, you're looking at the total sum. But it's only pennies a day. Trust me.

Here, just sign the installment contract remark.

Go ahead, Louie. Go ahead.

But all I want is something to take to the park to listen to the Mets game.

Louie, baby, in the city these days, there's all kinds of radio waves and

waves and microwaves shooting all over the place. All you're going to get with

little portable radio is static.

Now, take it from Marty Marchetti. Would you do me a favor? This is a heavenly

deal. Go ahead. Just sign it right there. Well, you're the expert.

Yes, indeed.

I am the expert.

And here you go, Louie, baby.

Use it in good health. Now, remember, when you come back once a month to make

your installment payment, okay, you bring me your Social Security check, and

will cash it for you. Only seven cents on a dollar. You know why?

Because I'm Marty. I'm your video angel.

Here you go, baby.

Enjoy it.

Terrific.

Here we are, Arch. Is this beautiful?

Why, I've seen a million of these jerseys. Hey, hip -nap, back from lunch

early. That's terrific.

Well, I hurried right back, Marty. As soon as I found out my pal here wanted

buy a TV set for his bar.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is Archie Bonker, the noted restaurateur.

Archie Marty Marchetti. Oh, how are you? How are you? I see you on TV late at

night with the lousy movies.

Yeah, that's right.

Hey, you don't have to die to go to TV heaven. You got bad credit, you got no

credit. I don't care, because I'm a gambler. So come and see Marty Marchetti

the home of the heavenly deal, TV heaven.

I like the spot at the river, eh?

Well, no intention, friend of dear, but...

You know, you don't inspire the same amount of trust as the dame that comes

after, you know, the one that advertises to spray for assisting the feminine

hijinks.

Yeah, teach his own.

So, Archie, what kind of a TV set are we looking for, Arch? Yeah, well, we

discussed that, and we decided that a 21 -inch color portable would be fine.

Yeah, cool, definitely.

I just had a vision.

I mean, it's...

It's Sunday in Archie's bar, and the place is packed to the rafters with all

kinds of free -spending customers. And do you know why they're there?

It's the Fourth of July.

They're there to watch the football game on Archie Bunker's brand -new

projection TV with a five -foot screen. It's better than a seat at the 50 -yard

line. What do you think, Archie, baby, eh?

Not, I think, no.

Now, Archie, what if I make you one of my heavenly credit terms?

Well, see, it ain't the money. It's just that I hate that big screen, that TV

there. I don't think nobody needs more than 21 inches.

You're the boss, Archie.

Listen, Hefner, why don't you show Mr.

Bunker some of the portable TVs? You want to excuse me a minute? Here we go.

think one of these three will probably do the trick.

One of these, do they all look the same to me?

Well, certainly they do. There's no reason why you should know anything

these. That's why I'm here, you salesman. Now you take the first one

is all quartz tuning.

Comes as a shock to you, right?

Now you take the second one here. Now this is all solid state.

Don't be upset. There's no reason you should know that.

And the third one, right on the end here, this is $20 off.

Well, the third one on the end is beautiful.

Yeah, I thought you'd like that. Yeah, yeah. So with the $20 off, how much are

you going to nick me for that?

Well, let me see. I'll do a little quick calculation here. $4 .48 comes to $4

.28. All right, Barney, it's a deal.

With the $50 carrying charges.

$50?

No deal.

But, Arch, you promised.

Look, look, I need the sale.

Well, then knock off the $50 delivery charge. What the hell is that?

The bar was only three blocks from here.

You want the deal, and you carry that set over yourself.

Wait, I'll have to ask Marty.

These tweeters will not only play Beethoven, they'll call your dog for

I really only came in for one of these.

Excuse me a minute. Pardon me. Look, Archie doesn't want to go for the

chart. Do what you have to. Just don't bug me.

It's a deal, Arch.

All I have to do is write up the order.

What's happening, Barney? I ain't got all day. Yeah, okay.

First here, we got the name.

Come on, will you, Arch? Look, I've been here over an hour already. I'm going to

get fired.

Pipe down, will you? Can't you see I'm trying to do some delicate electrical

surgery here?

Hey, boss.

Hey, boss. Raul says you sold him this old TV for $20.

That's right, so?

So I think I should give first crack at a deal like that. Why?

Because I'm the top man here. That's why.

It's not my fault he has no respect for you.

Oh, oh.

I do have respect for Jose there.

All right, Jose, you want the deal? Give me $20.

No, thanks. He can have that piece of junk. I just want the respect. Come on,

Raul. I'll help you get it in your car.

How's it going, Arch?

Ah, fine. It's just one or two more things to do.

Barney, make yourself useful. Now, hand me that screwdriver and a bar, huh?

Screwdriver, yeah. Yes.

Yeah, and also the wire stripper. And the wire strippers.

I don't suppose that was just Harry dropping a beer mug.

Harry was nowhere near it, Mr. Bannar.

That was Barney, Mr.

Bannar, murdering my brand new television set.

But stay tuned, because the next sound you're going to hear is me murdering

Barney.

You think it didn't fall very far, Arch? Maybe repairmen could fix it.

Bonnie, a whole swarm of Jap engineers couldn't do nothing about that set.

I got an idea.

Don't make me laugh.

We put it back in the box, take it down to Marty. You got your 16 -day warranty,

right? Okay. It says that within 16 days, if anything happens to it, TV

will replace or repair it free.

You think it'll work?

Just don't let Marty look in the box.

I ain't exactly honest.

We know that, Harry. We ain't exactly children around here.

The only important question is, will it work?

Enjoy. Go ahead.

Hiya there, Marty. We're back at Barney. Yes, up in the city.

Oh, yeah?

Hiya there, Marty.

You see, we ran into a little problem here.

Archie's set doesn't work. What's the matter?

Don't let him look in the box.

Don't look in the box.

I ought to look in the box. You want to put it down there? Why do you want to

look in the box? We already looked in the box.

It just may be a fuse or something like that, that's all.

Archie's looking in the box. Is he, Bobby?

Boys, boys, boys.

So we bumped it a little.

Bumped? It looks like you pushed it off the World Trade Center.

He didn't drop it from any higher than that. Hold it, hold it, Barney. Don't

we. I had nothing to do with it.

Your salesman dropped it off my bar.

Now, there's my warranty, Marty. I'll let that do the talking for me. No

warranty covers product abuse.

Now, you could have used my delivery service, but you, Archie, you were too

cheap. So you know what I say?

Case closed. Close? Marty, don't be closing cases on me. I'm talking about

cases. Let me ask you this.

Have you ever heard of the firm... Raoul, shouldn't you be working?

The firm Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz and Chan.

Your attorneys.

And their cook.

That's exactly right, Marty. And they're going to sue the wings over you.

Archie, come on, Archie. I get sued every day. My lawyer is so busy, I had

get him a room in the courthouse just so he could get some sleep.

Well, okay, Marty.

Then I'll see you in front of the judge.

And until then, everybody, she and... Nothing.

Am I fired, Marty?

Of course not, Hefner. How could I fire my star witness?

Why can't nothing ever go right for me?

Why didn't you just pay the delivery charge?

Listen, it wasn't the money there. It was just the livery guys. You know them.

They always scratch stuff.

You didn't want the set scratched?

That's rich.

I'm going to call up Caruncili and tell him that you were laughing at his oldest

client. All right. And don't do anything excessive, Bunker.

Look, just stop payment on the check.

What check? I paid him cash.

Why?

Because Marty gave me 2 % off on a French $15.

Good God, if he doesn't miss a trick.

You know, as dumb as I know you were about this, I'd love to nail that guy.

You know Marty?

Oh, yeah. I bought my Uncle Abe a clock radio there.

Then I spent six months taking it back, trying to get it fixed.

No matter what time he said it for, it always went off at 4 a .m.

My Uncle Abe would call me and ask why I was trying to kill him.

All right, let's get back to this guy Marty now. How are we going to get him?

Do what you threatened to do, sue him. Ah, come on, sue him. It'll cost me an

arm and a leg. No, no, no, not if you took him to small claims court.

It costs less than $5 to file.

And hey, if Marty doesn't show up, you win automatically.

Sounds like odds I could live with.

I don't want to have to pay your fees in court.

No.

You'll represent yourself.

Of course.

I'll go along with you.

I wouldn't miss it.

Well, maybe I could do that. You know, I'm my own lawyer. Hey, I've seen Perry

Mason enough. I used to watch him for years before he went into the wheelchair

and was pushed around by the colored guy.

Bunker, the legal world is waiting for your debut.

Now, don't forget, Barney's testimony is going to be very important.

Oh, well, then we're in.

Barney's one of my oldest and closest friends there.

I know you won't let me down.

I knew you'd let me down.

Arch, I gotta tell the truth. Also, I gotta keep my job.

Archie, baby, look, I'm sorry it had to come to this, but since it did, I'm

going to clobber you.

Hey, I wouldn't be too sure.

You, who are you?

I know you.

You're the schlub who bought the clock radio.

That's who I am.

He also happens to be my attorney.

Is that Rabinowitz?

That's right.

You should have brought Chan.

He seemed pretty confident there.

Ah, forget it, Bunker. He's just trying to psych you out.

Yeah, I guess that's part of the drama.

While I certainly understand your frustration at not

being able to collect on your dental bills, Doctor, Your attempt to take back

Mrs. Scott's dentures by force while she was still in the chair was a little

excessive.

Therefore, I am disallowing the medical expenses for the bites she received.

You're dismissed.

Next case.

Archie Bunker, Voices TV Heaven, Marty Marchetti, owner.

All persons connected to this case, please come forward.

Get out of my way, Barney.

Principals and witnesses, stand up and raise your right hands.

So help you God. I do. I

absolutely do, but that's speaking only for myself.

Now in session, the case of Bunker v.

TV Heaven, Judge Anthony Barzini presiding.

Object.

To what do you object, Mr. Bunker?

Ah, well, Judge, after all, you know.

There's a Marchetti sitting over there and a Barzini up on the bench.

I mean, in the interest of what he called a fairness there. I mean, don't

think this case is a little bit, not to make a bad joke, a whopper -sided?

Prison. The man's going from small claims court to prison.

Mr. Bunker, are you...

intimating that I would render a biased decision because one of the litigants is

Italian? You see, they're all against us. Hey, Bazzaro. I am not. I know, Mr.

Marchetti.

Mr. Bunker, you are asking for $428 to replace a television set which you

from Mr. Marchetti. Would you please tell me what happened?

Yes.

Your Honor, it started because I need a brand new TV for my bar and grill Archie

Bunker's place on the other side of Norton Boulevard. If you're ever in the

neighborhood, stop in for a white lunch, anything you want on the house there,

Judge.

Wait for me.

Mr. Bunker.

It's my attorney here, Judge. He just pinched the outside of my car.

Maybe he's warning you not to offer me a bribe.

Oh, shut Jesus Christ, this is the last thing that came into my head there. No,

I was just trying to, you know, the old -fashioned way of passing the time of

day, you know, something nice to say that, you know, if you scratched my

would wash you back.

I think it's pride, and I think it's disgusting.

Mr. Marchetti, let's hear your side of the story.

Well, your honor, here it is in a nutshell. You see, this guy Bunker here

a TV set for me, only he didn't want to pay the delivery charge.

Now, when he and his friend over here went to install the set, they dropped

I got to object to that.

Yes, Mr. Bunker.

That man over there, Hafner, he ain't no friend of mine.

Come on, Arch, have a heart.

I'm afraid of more. That man there, Hafner, who's a suspect here, he was

for this man here, which I would call a perpetrator, at the time of the scene of

the crime.

What is he talking about?

Hefner was a lifelong friend of Bunker, and Hefner was on his lunch hour. He was

never on no lunch hour. He was on his lunch hour.

Gentlemen, stop it.

Certainly, Your Honor.

The question here seems to be whether Mr.

Hefner was on his employer's time or on his own time when he dropped the set.

Go ahead, pal. Tell the judge.

I object to that man answering that particular question.

Why?

Because he's going to lie.

What am I going to do with you?

Tell him to shut up.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Shut up.

Mr. Hebner, and please remember you are under oath.

Were you or were you not on your lunch hour on your own free time when you

delivered the television signal?

No, Your Honor, I was not on my lunch hour.

What? He's right, Judge.

I have never known that man to lie.

Do you have anything to add, Mr. Marchetti?

I'm going to check with my lawyer.

Very well.

I fined for Mr.

Bunker in the amount of $428.

And I have never rendered a decision with greater regret. Will you please get

the hell out of here?

I assume that means that a raise is out of the question.

Next case, Little Sisters of Hope versus TV Heaven. Marty Marchetti, owner.

Let me have another one, will you, Harry?

I've got no gainful employment to go to.

There you go. All set.

Hey, nice picture.

Good sound, too.

Now, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's do that funny stuff again there.

Come on, will you? Gee, that ain't no better than the old one. Oh, no. The old

one is working fine in my house.

Is this what your old set was doing?

Yes, the same as that one's doing there.

You should have called me.

That ain't the set.

It's your antenna.

You'll need a whole new setup.

A whole new set?

What is that going to run?

Well, for this area, it'll cost $150, including installation, plus $425 .95

for the new set, plus $75 for delivery and installation.

That comes to $650 .95.

To hell with it. Just write me a check for $650.

$650. And I run out of that courtroom thinking that I was ahead.

When the hell does justice break down in this country? When did it all start,

huh? FDR, Jimmy Carter?