Original subtitles

You know, seeing this picture in the paper here, I'd say the president's

younger every day, wouldn't you?

Arch, I haven't seen Mr. Reagan since he was playing football in the movies.

Oh, gee, that's right, yeah.

I forgot you was blind, Mr. Dan.

Now, let me tell you something. He's better looking than ever, despite of all

them stories you hear about his gray hairs, which is naturally called black.

You get the nice white skin, you know, and the ready cheese. He's always

in one of them nifty black suits.

Who is elected president? Reagan or Dracula?

That ain't very funny, you know. A little respect ought to be awful. Guess

I'll give you a hint.

It's a man, not a woman.

Mike.

Mike Gorman, you old son of a gun.

That joke wasn't even funny when I could see.

Oh.

Edgar, how are you? I'm fine, fine.

Everybody, I want you to meet a friend of mine, Mike Gorman.

Hi, I'm Harry Snowden. Pleased to meet you. Yeah, hi there. Nice to know you.

Look at this, Mr. Ben. I've got a friend. Mike, what do you got here?

Your birthday present.

Four Mozart sonatas for flute and strings.

Oh, my.

Thanks, thanks.

It's your birthday?

Tomorrow, tomorrow. Happy 65th birthday, you old pie maker.

Pie maker?

Well, that's because of the Pie Delta sorority. We went on a panty raid once,

and Edgar never came back.

Me? Oh, you mad, mad Mike.

Billy, Billy, men talk here. Get lost, huh?

So, you two knew each other in college, huh?

Uh -huh. At Rutgers.

We were both interested in politics there. We don't talk politics in here.

What do you mean? We talk politics all the time in here. We were just talking.

And by the way, did you catch that president on TV the other night?

I certainly did.

Hey, exposing all them commies and filtering the nuclear freeze movement.

You were smearing millions of people.

Boy, smearing's too good for them. I wish I could have stood on that channel

watched it all happen, you know, but I had to turn over to a military program.

Yeah, Gomer Pyle.

Why don't we have a little table, huh?

Billy's got a corner table open.

Yeah, sure, help yourself.

Yeah, sure.

Ah, yeah, pleased to meet you there, because, you know, any friend of Mr. Van

Ars, who happens to be one of my closest buddies in the world.

Archie, why don't we throw a party for Mr. Van Ars? We could do it right here

the bar.

No, no, no, I don't want no parties.

I'll ask Mr. Gorman for a list of all his old friends.

I said I don't want no parties.

Of course, we'll have to close the bar because, you know, the guests wouldn't

want to be mingling with the regular customers.

Who are you talking about, close the bar and lose all of that business? My

regular customers are more important than any guests. I help the guests.

You mean the guests will just have to put up with the regulars?

Yes, the guests will have to put up with the regulars.

Your bar.

I don't think this is going to be too much of a party. There's no boys.

Well, uh, 65 -year -old boys.

I guess they can't play any of my records.

Uh, no.

Barney, hurry up.

Mr. Vanna, I'll be here in a couple of minutes. Yeah, I'll be ready. I hope he

likes his modest gift.

You see, unemployment has curtailed my usual extravagance.

Bernie, you're wrapping a fork, a knife, and a spoon.

Yeah, that's his gift. A complete service for one.

Bernie, let's go on to the bar.

I know that.

But don't tell Van Awe. And don't tell him it's not Sterling. Because otherwise

I might be too embarrassed to give it to him.

Hey,

where have you been?

I've been out. Just about everybody's here. Give me a break. It takes a little

time to shop for Mr. Van Nose's present. I think it's something classy. A

bowling ball?

This here is the what he called disguise.

The present is in there and he don't want to know that.

Did you put the lights out at home?

Uh -huh. Did you put out the garbage there? Uh -huh. Everything all right at

house? A bird got in. I'll kill it later.

I'm Herb Taylor.

When is Edgar going to get here?

Oh, Mr. Gorman is bringing him over in a few minutes.

He doesn't suspect a thing. Great.

I can't wait to see Edgar again.

I haven't seen him since the teachers' union meetings back in the 50s. Really?

didn't know Mr. Van Rensselaer was a teacher. Yeah, we talked together before

all the trouble.

What trouble?

You know, the committee stuff and all that.

Committee? Ah, ancient history.

Excuse me, I think I see an old friend over there.

What committee stuff?

Boy, I hope this isn't what I think it is.

Ziggy?

Ziggy Kalbinski?

Is that you?

Rachel Hickerson.

Oh, my Lord.

I haven't seen you since the year. Oh, well, we all went through, but we're

still here.

Have you seen her tailor?

Yeah. He looks good.

Ziggy didn't just get out of jail yesterday. It's been years.

Is he still active in the party?

Party? What party?

This is what I think it is.

What do you think it is?

Look, honey, let me put it this way.

Did you see the movie Red?

Oh, I love Warren Beatty. I know you do.

He's a cute guy. But you remember what the movie was about?

Yeah, Warren Beatty was in love with Diane Keaton, who kept sleeping with

Nicholson, and I don't blame her for someone who loved Jack Nicholson.

Honey, you're missing the point.

The people in the picture were communists.

I missed a big surprise, huh?

Not yet.

Is something else coming?

With luck? No.

I never know what the hell he's talking about.

Well, I'm going to mingle here. Oh, no, no, no. Don't mingle. No mingling.

What are you talking about? Mr. Banner will think I don't like his friends.

I'll find out soon enough.

Oh, no. What do you think he'll do when he finds out who these people are?

Nothing major.

We'll just phone the FBI and the National Guard.

Philly?

Philly? Yes, Mr. Van Halen, I'm right here. Oh.

Philly, I understand that you organized this surprise party.

Yeah. It was a nice idea.

Thank you. But you shouldn't have.

Oh, you really shouldn't have.

I know. I agree with you 100%. Another thing. My name is Barney Hefner.

Yes. I think that the factories of this country should be nationalized. I mean,

and the national anthem should be sung every morning before white folly by a

prayer.

I'll explain it to you later. But right now, we've got to stop Archie from

talking to certain key people. All right. Like who?

Who's he talking to now?

Um, Herb Taylor. Yeah, that's one of the key people.

All right, stop this. How are you going to stop this?

With tact, Gary.

Tact. I think I better explain something.

You're a Republican, ain't you?

But just look at the plight of the working man in this country.

Talk about your exploitation.

I had to work all day in a woman's shoe store.

Don't you like feet, darling?

I hate feet, darling.

I'll tell you what I do like.

Gee, I don't see no blood there. She said you was fighting with knives.

Everybody, here's the cake.

Happy birthday, Mr. Van.

Oh, thank you, Stephanie, thank you. Hey, I propose a toast to Mr. Van

Rensselaer. And to all those here who sacrifice so much for their beliefs.

I'll drink to that. To the man who told the Un -American Activities Committee to

go to hell, Edgar Van Rensselaer.

I'll drink to that. For he's a jolly good fellow.

For he's a jolly good fellow.

For he's a jolly good fellow.

Calm down.

What do you mean, calm down?

I'm calmer this minute than I'll ever be again in my life.

Hold that glass and let me through there.

Just a minute. What the hell is going on? What, am I surrounded here by a

of commies?

I don't think you are, Mr.

Bunker. I mean, most of us are liberals, Democrats, maybe some socialists. Hey,

Arch.

Rachel here is a Trotskyite.

Barney, you dope, I'm talking about politics, not disease.

And if she's got anything like that, you just see to it that she don't use the

lady's can.

All right, let's not talk about this, huh? Mr. Bernard, when I'm standing in

middle of communists, what the hell else am I supposed to talk about?

Hey, how about that Knicks game last night?

Thank you, old friend.

Maybe we better go. Yeah, that might be best. I'll call you.

Thank you for your hospitality, Mr. Booker. Oh, jeez, don't mention it. My

hospitality. I never saw you... Oh, gee, one must always overreact. Honey, what

are you talking about, overreact? You can't overreact to a communist. A

communist is a traitor.

I don't know what you're yelling about.

I mean, they really seem like nice, ordinary people to me.

Hey, kid, that's your clue to being a communist, a nice, ordinary person.

So long, Arch.

Party, party, party. Where the hell are you going?

Going up to Rachel's place to party.

Do you know what kind of a party you're getting into?

A memorable one, I hope.

But first, we are going to paint the town red.

Party, party.

Do you think that woman's going to brainwash Barney?

Hey, Bunker, it's a pretty small load to wash.

That's what I'm worried about.

Maybe we better have a talk about this, huh?

Yes, Mr. Van Rensselaer. I believe that we ought to.

Now, here's the chair. Let's just sit down and have that talk.

I certainly think so.

I mean...

There's only one question that I want to ask you.

And that is, who are them people?

Why are they here? And what do they mean to you?

Archie, will you stop interrogating Mr. Van Honor? These are simple questions

with simple answers.

Well, you see, I was a high school teacher.

I taught American history.

This was back in the 50s during the height of the McCarthy era.

You should have seen McCarthy in action.

Charlie McCarthy?

No, Senator McCarthy.

Same name, different dummy.

Anyway, there were investigating committees all over the place.

And here in New York, they subpoenaed the leaders of the teachers' union.

And I was called up.

Why you, Mr. Van Resselier?

Because someone said that I was seen associating...

with the people that you saw here tonight.

In college and later when I was teaching.

Anyway, the committee asked me a lot of questions.

Oh, I know the one question they must have asked you, Mr. Bernard. A communist

question, right?

That's right, they did.

Well, you told them you wasn't, didn't you?

No, I didn't.

Archie, just leave him alone, okay?

Listen, listen, kid.

I'm going to ask some questions, and maybe you better leave us alone.

Mr. Van Laan, this means a lot to me.

I mean to say, if you want to remain my friend, you've got to answer to me that

question that you wouldn't answer for that committee.

Are you now, or have you ever been a communist?

Arch.

I want to remain your friend.

But I didn't answer that question then, and I'm not going to answer it now.

You're not dead.

You can answer it.

I guess there ain't nothing more to be said.

I guess you're right.

Oh, I think you've been a little ridiculous about this communist thing.

Let me tell you something, Harry.

When it comes to communism, you can't be too ridiculous.

Late Richard E. Nixon, remember?

He went all the way to the top on that.

All the way to Russia to try to make peace.

Ah, come on. Let me tell you something. That was the one big mistake of the

man's reign.

You know, Walter, you ought to leave your brain to science.

Hey, Mr. Wiseguy, I might just do that. Leave my break to science one of these

days. I meant now.

Archie, we all know you're upset because Mr. Bernard is your friend.

No, not no more, he ain't. No more.

But why?

Just because he was a communist doesn't mean he still is. Whoa, whoa, wait a

minute.

How do you know he was ever a communist?

It's obvious, isn't it?

Yes, yes.

All of his friends were communists. Ah, oh, that's guilt by association.

I mean, using that kind of logic, your uncle is Mr. Van Aert's friend. What

that make him?

That would make me a communist if he was still my friend, which he ain't.

You see my point?

During the McCarthy era, thousands of innocent people were accused of being

communists just because they had friends who may have been.

And that's what could have happened to Mr. Van Aert.

Oh, I understand.

Oh, excuse me there, buddy, but this place is the barber's resort for a

customer. To hell with him.

He's right.

Who is

it?

Uh, it's only me, Mr. Vance. It's the Archie Bunker here.

Arch?

Just a minute.

What brings you here, Arch?

Well, I was just going bowling, see.

Yes? Well, I suddenly realized that if I was going bowling, I shouldn't really

be passing your front door because the bowling alley's in the opposite

direction.

So, uh, while I'm trying to figure out what I was doing down there, I thought

maybe I'd come up and ask you about it.

Would you like to come in? I certainly would, Mr. Bernal, yes.

I'm glad.

Glad you stopped by, Arch.

That was nice of you to give me that party.

Oh, don't mention it.

Mind if I sit down by the window over there?

No, no. Please, please do.

You know, I was thinking, the government every now and then makes mistakes, as

we all know.

I mean, who's to say that you was the only blind guy by the name of Van

Rensselaer that was teaching school in them days?

A city the size of New York, there could have been hundreds of us there.

And the government mixed you up with some other guy, the real guy, you know,

who, from all we know, could still be at large.

I'll never forget the morning of that hearing.

You know what I did after that hearing?

You went to lunch.

I went job hunting.

The Board of Education fired me.

But what can you expect when you refuse to answer the questions that the

committee asked you?

The Constitution says I don't have to answer questions like that.

I don't have to tell the government what I think, what I read, who I vote for,

or who my friends are.

There's times, you know, of emergency where you've got to take the

and set it one side and do what the hell you're told.

I can't agree with you.

Ah, Mr. Bannock, come on, you gotta agree with that.

Arch, if I have to agree with it, it'll be a friend.

But I'm afraid we can't be friends.

Well, you don't have to yell at me about it.

I, uh... One of the reasons I come over was I wanted to bring you this birthday

present I got you here.

Birthday present?

Yeah, it's, uh...

It's just a little piece of sculpture.

What is it?

It's Ronnie Regan's head.

Oh, you mean it's a bust?

No, it's his head.

When he comes on the TV, you know, you could... You could touch that, see?

And then you could see him just like the rest of us.

That's wonderful.

Thank you, Arch.

Hey, will you be back at your old place at the bar?

Sure thing.

Oh, that's swell, Mr. Van Aar.

While talking to that, I guess I'd better get back to the bar myself.

You know how they are down there. They find it hard to run everything and all

this. I'm there watching them, telling them what to do and all that.

There's just one very minor point before I leave.

I know you wasn't ever no communist or anything, and I ain't gonna ask you the

question.

Oh, that's all water over the bridge.

But I would like to know, did you ever go to one of them, uh, them commie

party meetings?

Just one.

I don't know. It was probably years and years ago.

No.

When was it?

The other night at your place.