Original subtitles

There you are, sir.

Enjoy yourself there.

Oh, oh, oh, next, next there, Bruce.

Bruce, let me tell you how to do it, huh?

One more time.

Knifey. Knifey. There.

Slotty one.

Yeah, yeah.

But where do the soup foods go?

You mean...

Soupy Spoonie.

Soupy Spoonie, go there.

Slotty. Now,

you talk.

What the

hell is he even talking, huh?

He don't understand anything, even though I try to tell him in his own

And that's very strange, because, you know, the Chinese people, they know a

about silverware. That's the way they name the kids.

How do you figure that out?

Oh, you never heard that?

That's what they do, you know, for luck. Whenever a little chinky kid is born,

they grab a handful of silver, they drop it on the floor, and then they name the

kid according to the sound, you know?

Bing -bang, ding -dong, ding -dong.

Arch, you never cease to amaze me.

Thank you, Harry.

Well, my station's all set.

So, I'll see you later. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Why are you running away

now? The dinner rush is just about to hit us.

I'm going to my philosophy class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, remember?

Philosophy? Why are you wasting your time on that? What good is that going to

you?

It teaches you different ways to think.

Ways to think? That is so ridiculous. It's infamous.

Nobody ever taught me to think.

I know.

But try and think of this.

Philosophy is what moves people.

Now, what moves people is laxity.

Philosophy is what constipates people.

Don't be looking at me, pal. Drink your beer there.

The point I'm trying to make is you don't meet aggression with aggression.

Isn't that like Christ said, turn the other cheek?

I think Christ was on the right track.

But with nafting, non -aggressive force training, I've taken that a step

further. When confronted by someone's angry energy, you take that energy, you

-channel it, and you send it back as positive energy.

Yes, Ms. Bunker.

What if you live and work with someone who displays angry energy all the time?

That's when you'll see how well nafting works.

After a week of sending back positive energy, you'll see that individual's

fade. Try it.

All right, that's it for tonight. Don't forget Chapter 7 for Thursday. And some

of you have not turned in your topics for your term papers.

Mr. Gibbard, I enjoyed your topic selection.

But I don't think the films of Clint Eastwood might fit in with the

of non -aggressive force.

How about Jerry Lewis?

Stay with Clint Eastwood.

Excuse me, Professor.

I just wanted to tell you how much I'm enjoying your class.

And I loved your book.

Well, you finished it already.

I'm halfway through it a second time. Do you know what my favorite chapter is?

Go with the flow.

How did you know?

That chapter encompasses the basis of my whole philosophy.

All my best students usually enjoy that the most.

Thank you. I'll take that as a compliment.

It was.

But remember, nafting isn't just a bunch of words in a book.

It's a life's tool to be used every day.

Believe me, I can certainly use it.

Excuse me, please.

Excuse me, please. A minute?

Yeah. No. Hey, waiter. What have you done with my steak?

Your steak?

Do you see it on me anywhere, buddy?

Give me a break.

You see we're short -handed. Hey, you. I ordered a light beer.

A light beer?

You don't look like a fruit.

I just want half the calories.

You want half the calories? Yeah.

That's half the calories. Excuse me, please, chance. Coming through at the

cracker here.

Thank you very much. Hi.

Oh, you at last.

What a time to leave me alone. I'm rushed off on my feet. And you've taken

advantage of the fact that through no fault of mine, you're related to me.

I see your point, and it's well taken. I am late. I am your relative, and I'm

sorry about that.

I think that you should just sit down and let me take care of everything.

Hold him, hold him, hold him. What is all this sweet talk here? Is this some

kind of... Hey, I'm not waiting around anymore.

The service here stinks.

Hey, go, buddy. Nobody's holding a gun to you.

Bear the door. And if you pass through, make sure it don't hit you in the

behind.

Excuse me, sir.

I respect your opinion and your right to say that.

However, if you understood the difficulty, perhaps you'd give us

If you care to stay, I'd be happy to wait on you.

Well, I want it, Dick, but I want it right now.

Well, right now it would have to be raw.

Okay, you can cook it a little.

Hey, hey, what kind of a night is this? What are you planning to do? Be a Dr. J.

Smothers?

No, I'm just going with the flow.

Ah.

Well, go over there and bring another root beer to the lady with the homemade

wig.

Excuse me, ma 'am. I'm sorry to keep you waiting. Would you like another root

beer? Yes.

And if possible, I'd like to get it before nightfall.

Think I could manage that?

I love your hair.

Oh, well, thank you.

I got it at Kimball's.

Bunker, I've just come from the bank.

It took me an hour and a half to straighten out your hair.

Look at that check.

All right, I see the check. What the hell's the matter? It's good. I made it

to my refrigerator repairman. So what?

Who writes a check for $370 and change?

I wrote it that way, wise guy, because that's how much the man told me it would

cost. This is insane.

What do you mean insane? Listen, let me tell you. If I'd done anything insane,

the bank would call.

Oh, they call.

They call me, and they call every day, and I'm sick of it. Don't raise your

voice to me. Excuse me, Gary.

Archie. Don't you realize that you are now at what my professor calls the

of sanity?

Billy, this man has never been at the moment of sanity. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I'm talking about the moment where you can either escalate an argument or shake

hands and forgive.

Professor Wright says that if all countries recognize that moment, all

could be prevented.

Be a professor.

And all of that crap, Paul.

Let me tell you and your professor something.

People love war. People need war there. A good war right now put this economy

right back on its feet. We ain't got nothing else to look forward to.

Well, at least you see what I mean, Gary. No, Billy, I don't. No matter what

your professor says, sometimes in this world you have to fight.

Table four.

That's a lie.

What did you say?

That is lie number 17 from the chapter entitled Common Macho Myths.

Nasty, I guess.

Look, would you stop throwing that garbage at me?

It isn't garbage.

Why don't you come to class with me tomorrow night and learn for yourself?

Billy, it's a waste of time.

If you heard Professor Wright speak, you wouldn't say that.

Honey, I don't want to go.

But it would mean so much to me.

To us.

You're a very important part of my life. And I want to share everything with

you. This could really deepen our relationship.

What time is class?

Listen,

I got enough of pigeons over my head without two of my orbs.

Go back to work, huh?

And you, at least you're in business hours.

Can't you tie a knot in your gloves?

If you read Chapter 7, Smiling to Better Mental Health,

you'd know that it takes twice as many muscles to frown as it does to smile.

So why ever frown?

As the song says, let a smile be your umbrella.

You get a lot of rain in your face.

Nothing disarms like a smile.

Honey, this whole philosophy is based on the quotations of Mary Poppins.

I sense a little hostility from our friend sitting next to Miss Bunker.

Would you care to share your thoughts with the class?

Uh, no. No, I wouldn't. Oh, don't be shy. No, really. I'm just here to

Thank you. Well, I'm sure the class would like to hear your opinion.

Well, I really don't feel like... Gary, if you have something to say, say it.

Please, whatever it is that's on your mind.

Well, I wouldn't want to be offensive or anything.

Offensive how?

Well, like saying that I think your theory is a crock.

No, no, no. Don't be angry with your friend.

Would you define crock?

It's a philosophy based on a bunch of cliches strung together.

What are cliches?

Pearls of wisdom that have stood the test of time.

That's very good. You know, I read that once in a fortune cookie.

I love Chinese food.

Professor, what are you smiling at me for?

You know, you can't just smile your way through life.

The fact is every minute of anger takes six days off your life.

Really? Well, then I'm going to lose another couple of weeks because I'm

to get this off my chest.

Don't you see that you're not being rational? I'm not trying to be rational.

just being normal. I am having a simple, normal, emotional response to this

nonsense.

Look, can't any of you see what this man is doing?

You're all sitting around here like you're in a coma.

Stop smiling and act like real people.

Do you all see what's happening?

We can learn from this. This young man is simply a product of an insecure,

neurotic society.

Insecure?

Neurotic? I am the healthiest person in here.

Just go with the flow. I'm going to do that. I'm going to flow the hell out of

here. Are you coming, Billy?

No.

No?

Fine.

Stay here and smile. See if I can't. Have a nice evening.

Excuse me, Professor.

I want to apologize.

For what?

Gary, I've never seen him act that way. He was completely unreasonable.

Oh, don't be so tough on him. Some people can accept new ideas, others

I'm sorry he disrupted your class.

A little healthy exchange serves to reinforce my theories.

If nafting couldn't stand a challenge, it wouldn't be worth very much, now

it? You're so understanding.

Let's just say I try to practice what I preach.

May I ask you a question?

Sure. Please.

Yes.

How well do you type?

About 60 words a minute. Why?

I'm writing a sequel to my book.

You want me to type your book?

Well, it's a lot of hard work. It's long hours.

I don't know what to say.

I mean, I'll pay you, of course.

Oh, I don't care about the money. Well, still, I'll pay you.

You'll do it.

I'd love to.

Oh, great.

Terrific. Thank you.

Oh, um... Please, feel free to comment on my work.

I'd appreciate the input.

When do you need these by?

As soon as possible.

I know you'll do a great job.

Billy, I...

Harry, Harry, come here.

Over here.

What is this, huh? The Christian Science sleeping room?

Sorry to get them just a little tired.

Yeah, well, get yourself some coffee.

There's no wonder you're tired.

Up here at the night, using a typewriter there. Tick, tick, tick, bing. Tick,

tick, tick, bing.

Give me a nightmare.

I was being attacked by giant woodpeckers wearing bells.

I'm sorry, but once I got started, I just couldn't stop.

Professor Wright's new book is so fascinating.

If it's okay with you, I'd like to take my break now.

I want to bring Professor Wright the pages I typed.

Go ahead. You didn't do no work this morning. Why should this afternoon be

different? Cream cheese on a bagel with a kosher pickle.

Ah, jeez.

The Rabinowitz special, huh?

Come on, Billy. At least serve it to him. He's in the office.

Serve it to him. You don't have to, you know, feed it to him.

Here's your lunch.

Thank you.

I can see that you're still angry.

It's such a waste of energy.

Billy, I am not so immature as to hold a grudge about that scene last night.

Believe me.

I am not angry.

You certainly seem a little miffed. Oh, miffed? Yes.

Miffed I am.

But being angry at Professor Wright is such a waste of time.

I'm not angry with him.

I wouldn't even waste an opinion on him. Except to say conclusively that the man

is a jerk.

I'm angry at you for being foolish enough to fall for it.

Um, can we talk about this later? Because I have to bring some papers to

Professor Wright's office.

Are you telling me that we can't talk out our problems?

His work is very important.

Our relationship isn't?

Don't you think you're overreacting?

One of us has to. You're not reacting at all.

In other words, a very refined woman just complained to me that your very

infiltrating through that wall made her jump up over the panel.

Well, I think I'd better get going.

Billy, you're pushing me away from you.

I mean, this thing is taking up your whole life. I don't intend to fight for

little room in it.

Well, that'll have to be your choice, won't it?

Oh, good, you're still here. I was so afraid I'd miss you. Whoa, whoa, relax.

Remember around here we go with the flow.

You seem to be trying to swim upstream.

You're right.

Here are the pages you asked for.

You finished it all.

Well, you said you were in a hurry.

You're a remarkable young lady.

It was so fascinating I couldn't stop.

Really? Do you think it's as good as my first book?

Better, if that's possible.

Let me ask you something.

What did you think of the chapter Healing Through Touch?

Well, I didn't quite understand all of that one. Oh, well, I haven't completed

it yet.

But basically, it's the second level of nafting, wherein you take the energy

inside you and you transmit it to others through touch.

Oh. Well, I'll look forward to reading it when you finish.

Oh, I probably won't be for a while, but I could show you.

Do you have any aches or pains anywhere?

My shoulders are a little stiff from typing.

Okay, let's try the energy rub.

It should get rid of any stiffness, make you feel like you had a great night's

sleep. Really?

Okay, well, maybe for a minute, but then I have to get back to work. Well, it

won't work unless you put everything else out of your mind.

I'll try.

Okay.

Close your eyes.

Picture a peaceful setting, like a lake or mountains.

Got it.

Now put yourself in the picture.

I'm there.

Now imagine a bright sunny day and the sun is warming

you all over.

You know, I think I can actually feel it. Good. Then my positive energy is

flowing into you.

Now lean your head back.

That's it.

Do you feel like you're floating?

Yeah.

How does it feel?

Wonderful. Good.

What are you doing?

Don't be nervous.

I just thought you were ready for the third stage of nafting.

I felt more like the first stage of necking.

Please, please, please, please, don't put it on that level.

You must remember this.

A kiss is just a kiss.

And a thigh is just a thigh? Yes.

And this is all part of now? Yes.

It's also part of Casablanca.

Yes. Oh, that's a beautiful movie.

You're a phony.

Billy. Billy.

You're a bright, sensitive girl. Don't overreact. You'd go a long way with

Yeah, you mean all the way to your bedroom?

If it was meant to be.

I think I've just reached the last stage of nesting.

Leaving.

Oh, hello.

Here she is. Back from the professor.

Only she's back a half an hour late. Did you know that? And please, don't tell

me that you appreciate me telling you.

I don't. You're bugging me. Lay off.

Whatever happened to little Shirley Temple?

She jumped off the good ship Lollipop.

What does she mean by that?

She means there won't be any more late night typing.

Well, that could be good, huh?

Yeah. Now she can go out with Rabinowitz again.

Hi,

Billy.

I knew you'd be smug about this, but shut up.

wrong and you're right, so maybe I was wrong about right and you were right

about right and okay, the guys are phony, but I don't want to discuss it

all right?

Right?

Do I detect a teeny problem in nesting land?

Stop dwelling on this. If you bring it up one more time, I'll never speak to

again.

Well, it'll be hard, but I promise.

I hate the bar, Jim. Put the ladies in the turrets. It's getting nervous.

Billy was just screaming at me.

Isn't that wonderful?

Those Jewish guys love police accusing.