Original subtitles

Oh, wait a minute, you're taking me up wrong.

I didn't say you couldn't come to visit for Christmas.

I just said I hate company.

Well, all right, but then come on.

Yeah, yeah, we got Rome. Up in the attic, there's a cot up there.

It'll be fine.

Remember Uncle Lasky? He slept up there. In fact, he died up there.

Yeah, yeah, it's all right. I think he just changed the sheets.

Yeah. No, no. No, I ain't gonna say nothing to Billy. He's supposed to be a

surprise, ain't he?

Yeah, well, then I'll see you. Goodbye.

Huh? Huh?

I said I ain't gonna breathe a white to nobody.

Jeez.

My brother Fred's coming for Christmas.

Billy's gonna see your father?

Shush, shush, shush. He'll hear you.

How? She's at work.

Oh, I'd make a liar out of me over teeth.

Aunt Edith told me that he had three wives.

No, four.

Thank God your Aunt Edith was gone by the time he married Cindy.

God, that brother of mine would change his wife the way I change my socks.

Did the mail come yet?

Can't you use your eyes? It's right here under the paper.

I suppose it's a good thing he's coming alone. Otherwise, I'd have to give them

my bed and sleep down here.

Just remember when he comes. Tis the season to be jolly.

That's okay for you to say. You've been nicking me for presents every day for

the past two or three weeks for this here Chinooka.

It's Hanukkah, and it's only eight days.

Yeah, but now it's Christmas, and I get nicked again.

card from an Eileen Baines and Tenorfly.

Who's that?

Oh, Tenorfly?

God, that's another one of Edith's relations coming crawling out of the

Swamp.

Oh, well, we got any more of them emergency cards? You know, the ones you

to people you never wanted to write in the first place, but now you find you

must?

Well, they'll have to send one back. They won't care. Oh, they'll care, all

right. They'll all sit around and tell each other what a piker I am.

Here's one.

Here's a joint that's signed his name in pencil.

So, all we gotta do is erase his name and we'll put ours.

I don't think it's gonna work.

Why not?

The card has their picture on it.

What a no -class guy.

Hey, Harry, how's it going?

Hey, Paul.

I appreciate you letting me stay at your house, but would you please squeeze my

toothpaste from the bottom of the tube? And by the way, use a hamper.

What do you bother me with those trivialities for? Why don't you ask me

temporary job?

You finally got a job.

What is it? It's over.

What was it?

Dressing the window over at Putney's Clothing.

You know, they paid me 20 bucks to set up their inflatable mansion display.

Passed out twice blowing up the wise men's camel.

Pretty undignified wife, ain't it, Pawn? Yeah, but it's not as bad as playing

Santa Claus up at Alexander's. That's something I would never do.

Honey, honey, honey, where's the step?

Right in front of you.

If you could help me a little.

In the last three blocks, I tripped over two curbs and a poodle.

Oh, come on.

Stop being such a baby.

I helped you carry your Hanukkah presents down to the office.

Oh, big deal. That was eight sets of cufflinks and two brooches.

Okay, I owe you one.

Well, if you'd really like to pay me back, you'd change your mind and go on

skiing trip with me.

I told you, it's family time.

I just couldn't leave Archie and Stephanie alone at Christmas.

Couldn't you change your mind and come spend it with us?

Christmas with Bunker?

A Rabinowitz is better off alone in the snow.

Did Uncle Fred say when he'd be here?

Yeah, sometime tonight, honey. Gee, what's the big deal?

It's a very big deal when your father comes to visit for Christmas.

Don't keep talking about it. You'll blow the whole surprise.

Nothing, nothing, nothing, honey. Geez, leave me alone. I'm trying to read about

the president.

Who are you looking for, Steph?

I was watching for snow.

It ain't gonna snow, so get away from that window.

You know, the president is absolutely right here.

He cannot lay heavy taxes on us private entrepreneurs.

Because if he does that, we'll get sore and we'll fire everybody.

That's only going to make the unemployment go up.

I don't know why the American public cannot grasp that.

Billy, you better answer that.

Seth, could you get that, please?

I can't.

It's dark out.

It's too dark there for her.

Boy, things are a little strange around here tonight, huh?

I didn't notice nothing strange around here tonight.

Who is it?

Good evening.

Could I have a moment of your time?

Oh, gee, I know who that is.

Not really, please. Just let me handle this. Yes.

My name is Joshua.

And I'd like to ask you one question.

Have you talked to the Lord today?

Yeah, buddy, twice. Bye.

I hate the way you answer the door.

I hate the way people keep coming to that door there.

Why should they come around here at Christmas time talking religion, huh?

People don't want to hear about religion. People want to be happy.

Well, you certainly brightened his day. Yeah, but that's all right. I got a

right to my privacy, you know what I mean?

You want to look that up in the Bible sometime, you'll find it's the first

there. A man's home is his castle.

Your drawbridge is always up.

My what?

Everybody move. Let me get that. Yeah, you get that.

Yeah.

Hi, Billy.

Dad.

What are you doing here?

Well, I came to spend Christmas with you.

He come to spend Christmas there, Billy. Please close the door. The last of our

heat is hurtling out into the night.

Don't tell me this is little Steffy. Yeah, that's little Steffy.

Hi, Steffy.

Hey, would you get that stuff on the front porch of the back? Oh, sure.

Hey, Arch.

Well, well, well.

Hey, I know you're supposed to be my big brother, but now this is taking it a

bit too far. Come on.

I happen to own a bar and grill. You know, I'm supposed to look like this.

What's yours?

I have no character.

Yeah, of course.

Would you like a little smile?

A little guy on the rocks. I'll join you. Sit down, make yourself at home.

take either chair.

How you doing?

Fine. How's your mother?

Her mother's fine. She just talked to her mother on the phone the other day.

She's still in Phoenix?

Yeah, the mother's still in Phoenix.

Where's Cindy?

Oh, uh, well, Cindy didn't come.

Split up, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, a few months ago.

She's another wife gone.

Signing into a regular Mickey Rooney.

You don't have somebody else yet?

No, no, and I'm not looking. I got some things to straighten out.

Yeah, I think you better straighten yourself out. Here, good luck.

You should have seen your face, Billy, when you opened up that door.

I really surprised you, huh?

Yeah, I just wish you'd told me you were coming.

Why would he tell you he was coming?

Anybody told you he was coming ruined the surprise.

There's no problem. No, there's no problem. Well, yes, there is. You see,

sorry you came all this way, but I'm not going to be here for Christmas.

You what?

Yeah, I made plans with some friends to go skiing.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me go through here, huh?

Now, what friends?

Gary.

Skiing with Rabinowitz?

Well, I don't believe that for one moment.

It's a well -known fact. Jewish guys don't ski.

Could you change your plans?

Certainly she can change her plans. No, I can't. You see, everything's all set.

We have reservations.

Please? Come on, Billy. You ain't going no place.

Excuse me. I have some calls to make.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't you leave here, Billy. Don't you go stamping

up them stairs.

And there she goes, stamping up them stairs.

Well, now, you don't have to be standing here listening to everything, do you?

Go in the kitchen, get her some coffee.

Don't give me the face. You don't have to make it. It's made. All you got to do

is pour it.

This is horrible.

I think I got a better reception at Anzio from the Krauts.

I thought things would improve with time, but... We just can't seem to get

her mother leaving.

Well, I think that's your fault.

Why don't you just sit the kid down?

Tell her the truth about her old lady.

I can't do that, Archie.

Why can't you do that?

Use the perfect time for it, you know.

Christmas. The season for broken dreams.

If I was you, I'd get out of here.

She'd tell you the same thing if she was here.

You have nothing to worry about.

See, first they teach you to snowplow.

And then before you know it, you'll be zooming down the slopes.

Well, how long did it take you to learn?

Eight years.

Oh, are you kidding me?

You'll do fine.

Say, Uncle Archie, what do you think of this?

Um, I hate that.

Great. That means your dad will love it.

Excuse me, I have to get back to work. Oh, honey, I'm going to stay for lunch.

Hey, for benefits, hey, do me a favor.

My brother's been here on top of two days. She ain't spoke ten words to him.

Can't you tell her to talk to her father?

Look, Bunker, Billy can't be talked into doing anything she doesn't want to do.

Believe me, I've tried.

Look, you'll probably find this difficult to grasp, but I'm only playing

Santa, because I'm an unfortunate man. So beat it, or I'll ignore your chimney.

Oh,

get along.

reef just walking over here. Is my lunch ready?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, Barney. I got a Santa's Herbal Special here. That's a

blitzen burger with lettuce, tomato, and holly, and mistletoe on the side.

Very jocular, Jose.

Give it to me. I'll save it to Barney myself.

What are you staring at?

You object that Santa's getting a little cockeyed?

Hey, hey, Barney, don't talk nasty to my customers, yeah?

If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.

Don't be listening to me, Heath.

Arch, this morning was a nightmare.

I don't think I'm cut out for this people business.

Well, I told you that when you got fired from shoes.

You know, I was kicked, pinched, bitten, and worst of all, every now and then

one of those kids would sit on my lap. Look, Barney, if this is a wee -wee

story, stop it.

I'm sorry, Reggie. I'm overwrought. I don't know how much more of this I can

take. You always... You know, Santa, I want to talk to Santa.

Oh, you do? Hey, Santa, here's a customer for you.

Get away from me, kid.

Don't pay no attention. What a terrible thing to say to a child.

All right, honey, you just tell me what you want to tell him.

I just wanted to tell him that he was the worst -looking Santa I ever saw.

Did you check the mail before you left the house? Yeah, it was just the usual

pile of holiday garbage there.

Was there anything for me?

Well, like from where?

Like from out of town.

Oh, no, honey, there was nothing like that.

Excuse me, I'm busy.

Archie, is it okay if I leave by about 3 .30 today? Because Gary and I want to

get on the road by 4.

Do you notice a very savage thing you're doing? Going out of town, your poor

father over to the house trying to cook a Christmas dinner for the family?

Well, the two of you will be there.

It's mostly for you, Billy. You've got to be there.

But we've made plans to meet people at the lodge. We have to leave by four o

'clock, don't we, Gary?

No, we don't. Billy, I can change those plans with one phone call.

Thanks a lot.

Honey, this dinner's important. After all, it is your father.

Yes, listen to me, Benowitz.

But if we have to drive at night, then we'll miss all the scenery.

Why don't you just stop all these phony excuses, Billy, and stay?

It won't kill you.

You're lucky at least your father cares enough to be here.

Some people don't even get a lousy card.

See that? See that? Do you see the way you're tearing this Christmas apart?

Okay,

I'll stay for dinner.

But I'll be done by eight.

You can pick me up then.

Good.

Let me ask you something.

Do you Jews really ski?

Only we need to glide by and check out our condominiums.

And, uh...

Then I add some sliced water chestnuts. That's what gives it that crunchiness.

Ah, delicious.

It's really good. How'd you learn so much about cooking?

Well, mostly it was self -defense.

Yeah. Cooking was never a major requirement for becoming one of Dad's

Yeah, that's right. All they needed was a recently high school diploma.

Why are you pinching me?

Well, you know what they say.

Everybody makes mistakes. I just seem to marry mine. Yes.

No kidding.

In school, they'd have these parent -teacher conferences.

And every year, I'd show up with a different parent.

You're exaggerating a little.

Am I? Well, there was Janice and Catherine before Cindy.

Oh, and of course, Amy.

Wait a minute. Amy? I don't remember marrying no Amy.

No, they weren't married.

Amy just stayed with us for a couple of years.

Come on, I don't want to hear this.

Let's talk about something more pleasant. Yeah, please.

Something more pleasant.

The glazed carrots are really good.

Thank you.

The glazed carrots.

Can't somebody say something gay?

I don't mean that. I mean, do you say something funny?

I know something funny.

Billy, remember when you were six?

She spent hours sitting on the stairs waiting to take a picture of Santa.

Kept her mother and I up until three.

You remember that, huh?

Well, that's funny. That's funny. Yeah, I remember.

And I was seven.

Yeah, how could you remember back that far?

Because it was the last Christmas we spent together as a family. Billy.

Before you started playing musical wives?

These two songs stop being funny.

Maybe I'll go fix the sauce for the plum pudding.

God, you was a little rough on him, wasn't you?

Not as rough as he was on Mom.

Oh, well, I mean, come on now. Be fair, you know.

It takes two sides to every tango.

What are you talking about?

Well, you know, I mean, I don't want to talk about personal, private things, you

know.

Still in all, she left him.

You shouldn't be listening to none of this.

But she was right to.

What woman wouldn't walk out on a man who had girlfriends?

Oh, what about a woman with boyfriends?

Huh? The car dealer.

Or what else would you call that Toyota shit?

What else was she supposed to do?

Well, don't ask me.

I mean, I ain't their avian.

But ain't it kind of funny that when she took off, she didn't take you with her?

You know, most women, gee, wild horses.

take to drag them away, my child.

Of course, you do run across the odd one who, uh, don't want to be with the

child.

Why are you listening to this? None of this should be said in front of you.

Think they'd come up with a diet sauce for this plum pudding, huh?

Did you want to have a kid?

What?

Oh, of course I did.

Hey, look, look, don't judge me by the kind of father I've been. I... I wanted

you.

What about Mom?

Did she want me?

I mean, she...

She had you. She... She was your mother.

Then why did she leave?

Well, you know, I'll tell you the truth.

We were very young when we got married and... Your mother felt caught. She

wanted something for herself and... That's why she left you.

But why did she leave me?

Well, you see, you...

Your mother was what we called in the old days a free spirit, see?

She always said I was too dull.

I think she was right.

So I spent the last 12 years trying to prove her wrong.

She never wanted me.

She didn't want me before I came and she didn't want me when I got here.

me.

And you never told me the truth.

How could I tell you that anybody didn't want you?

I

can't

take this. I'm going to go listen at the door. Wait a minute.

Come back here.

What are you talking about? Listen at the door. Where did you learn a low

trick like that?

From you.

Oh, hey, hey. Hey, look at this here. Two smiles coming out of the kitchen.

Ain't that nice? Oh, gee, look at the beautiful Christmas pudding.

Come on, everybody. Let's sit down and eat this. We got to hurry up because

Rabina, which is coming to collect you at 8 o 'clock, eh?

Well, I think maybe she might stick around.

I'm going to stay.

Oh, hey, that's awful nice.

Good, good. Come on, sit down. Come on, huh? Okay, I have to call Gary. Yeah, go

ahead. Call Gary, huh?

And now we can have a little peace on earth.

Go to hell's bar for me Christmas Eve.

I'll get it. No, I'll get it. I'll get it. It's probably that group from the

church collecting for Christmas turkeys for the poor.

I'll just tell the poor already, Ace.

Telegram for Stephanie Mills.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, telegram for you. Here you go.

Look at this.

Stephanie got a telegram over here. Ain't this nice?

It's terrific.

You're in luck.

I got a Ben Franklin quarter here.

Thanks. What is it, Stephanie?

Dear Stephanie, I wanted to take this special way to wish a special daughter

happy holidays.

Love, your father.

Floyd Mills.

Ain't that nice, huh?

This is exactly what she's been waiting for.

Terrific. Thanks, Uncle Archie.

Thanks for what?

For this.

Oh, I didn't send that. Your father sent that.

My father wouldn't spell Floyd.

P -H -L -O -Y -D.

Oh, well, hi, Western Union.

He should have spelled that off.

Why didn't you?

I did.

Just sit down. Merry Christmas, everybody.

Thanks be to God. Let's eat.