Original subtitles

Listen, whoever the hell this is, call up at 7 o 'clock in the morning.

Ah, you're Rabinowitz.

Oh, no, I don't mind. As a matter of fact, this is the first time I was ever

glad to hear your voice.

Yeah.

Yeah, hang on here.

I, uh, Barbara Lee, I got somebody on the horn here for you.

It's the guy who keeps kissing you in front of the customers.

I have no idea who you're talking about.

Yes, you do. It's the Jewish Perry Mason.

Hey, the phone.

Yeah, hey, the phone.

No, no, no, no, no, not this time, kiddo.

Could you just hand me the lip gloss from the medicine cabinet?

Hey, you never like to ask for things politely.

Could you please hand me the lip gloss? gloss in the medicine cabinet?

No, lip gloss is for tramps.

Hang on one sec, okay?

Steph, I'm in there next.

No way.

You lost your turn.

You're on the phone.

But I'm trying to get to work.

I'm trying to get to school.

I'm trying to shave without slicing off my lip.

It's burning.

Why? He talks about us. I mean, he's worse. He reads a whole paper in there.

I've got an idea. Okay, stand by the door and get ready to run in.

I'll call you right back, okay, Gary? Bye.

No, I can't talk to you right now, Gary, because Archie's here.

Of course I love you.

No, I haven't changed my mind.

I think Archie will let us live together.

As long as we're not sleeping in the same bed.

Talk to this guy, this dirty young man who wants to make a cock -a -boom out of

my knee stand.

I wouldn't tell you about the lady.

A hum on the line.

A little gag.

How funny.

How funny.

How very funny in there.

Now, come on. As the head of this house, all I demand is get out.

In a minute.

There. If you find a piece of my lip in a bowl...

Save it for me and wrap it how I might need it.

Oh, well, now, this is it. This is it. That's all there is to it. A man can't

live in a house where the women outnumber the bad ones.

Well, I'm going to make a phone call here. Where the hell are the yellow

Downstairs.

Downstairs, of course.

Downstairs.

It's right down this way here, Mr. What -It -Called.

Uh, Pulaski.

Oh, yeah, whatever.

Pulaski, yeah.

Well, uh... Here's everything, as you can see, and thanks very much for coming

over so fast. I only pray that you can help me in my time of, and I ain't

kidding, urgent need.

Well, we see these problems frequently in the plumbing industry, Mr. Bunker.

can, two dames.

I bet you do.

Yeah, I hope you don't mind me kind of looking you over, you know, but

what I mean to say is...

You know, with this nifty suit on and everything, you don't look much like a

plumber. You look more like a banker.

Banker couldn't afford this suit.

Yeah.

Well, I hope you ain't planning on getting another one of them suits out of

job.

I mean, what this job is worth wouldn't even buy you your fruited looms.

I just need something simple, you know?

Like a little maybe shower over there.

A sink someplace around here, and then, of course, like a minor tune on the

toilet.

No, you're going to need a new one, Mr. Bunker.

This toilet has seen its last flush.

Well, yeah, but, I mean, you know, look at it. It's got all the essentials

there. I mean, couldn't you just get in there and kind of fix it up?

Mr. Bunker, you're building a new bathroom.

The toilet is the centerpiece.

It's like the jewel in the crown.

I don't want to wear the thing. I just want to sit on it.

Let me put it this way.

It will cost more for me to repair this toilet than for me to install a new one.

Installing a new one is therefore, I guess, what we better do.

You got it.

Still with all, you know.

I'm going to miss the old thing, huh?

And every time I look at it, it kind of takes me back.

Yeah. I understand, Mr. Butler.

Now, I have some photographs of my work here.

Stop me when you see something you like. Yeah, go ahead.

Yeah. See, it's always very beautiful there.

Over here.

Well, let's tell it here. I feel kind of drawn to that.

I don't think you'd care for that, Mr. Bunker.

It's a bidet.

You sound like a fellow to me.

A fellow's a bidet.

Well, how shall I put it? It's like a basin with a

fountain in the middle that you sit on.

She ain't that very young.

Let's move on. Yes.

Uh, oh.

Here's a room I'm very proud of.

Understated elegance.

Very, very tasteful. Oh, jeez.

This... Did you do that for a fag?

Two of them.

You can't stay with me, Teddy, can you?

How much did that cost?

Fifteen thousand.

Fifteen thousand. All right, you see?

You always got a lot of money, huh?

I have something here for seven thousand. Oh, come on, Mr. Pilecki.

thousand, I don't want to spend that kind of money. We ain't going to

down here.

I think I have exactly what you're looking for. Where?

Yeah, yeah.

That's more like what I want. Yeah, where'd you do that?

The U -Pumpit gas station down the block.

Now, listen, say what you like. The U -Pumpit guys show a lot of taste.

That's good enough for me. How much would you nick me for that?

$3 ,500.

Come on, $3 ,500.

Now, Pulaski, your prices are outrageous.

These are the prices that things are going for these days, Mr. Bunker. But,

God, when people hear prices like this, I mean, don't they get mad at you?

Sometimes.

Yeah, but sometimes.

Yeah, but they call you names, too.

Like what?

Oh, I don't know. You know, maybe like, uh, thieves.

I resent that, Mr. Bunker.

I do professional work, and I give a fair price.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What, do they call you that?

Yes, I hear that a lot.

And when you hear that, what do you do?

I leave, like I'm doing now. Oh, well, you don't see me trying to stop you

there. Prices like that, who the hell needs you?

Mr. Bunker. Don't argue with me. I never argue.

Nature is my co -pilot.

Only two more days' work and the construction is all done.

I shingle the roof, I put in the windows. All I have left to do is the

Sounds like very expensive remodeling. Yeah.

Well, there's nothing too good for Rusty's doghouse.

Hey, Harry.

Do you know where I could get some very short drapes?

As time marches on, every day the world gets just a little bit more stinky.

Did the plumber show up?

Yes, the plumber showed up this morning. The two of you don't have to listen to

me here.

Yeah, for $10 ,000 or $15 ,000, he could lay in a new bathroom for me. How do

you like that? You should have seen some of the garbage he showed me there.

Now, why would anybody want to make it, sir, with a little fountain in the

middle?

You see, that stops you, don't it?

Now, Billy, we've got to do something. See, I've been thinking about this, and

wiped out what I think is a compromise here.

I use that bathroom whenever I want to, and you two girls wait.

But I'll never want to.

What will never work is the two of yous homesteading in my bathroom every

morning.

I don't care. I just ain't calling in no more promise, that's all.

I called one in this morning. You should have seen what he'd done.

You call him a thief and he hits you in the mouth.

This ain't got nothing to do with anything.

Except it's the main reason why I need a new bathroom.

Will you relax, Arch?

I got all the answers to your bathroom problem.

Oh, jeez, I guess I better sit down for this one.

You were saying, Barney?

It's called do -it -yourself.

I shouldn't even ask this, but go ahead.

Do what, myself?

Here it is, right here. The Handy Helper's Guide to Home Improvement.

Look, here you go.

Right there. You know, I just put an addition on Rusty's doghouse. You see,

needed the extra room because he's been entertaining a lot of dogs lately.

Just like his owner.

That was vicious and uncalled for.

Nevertheless, Bob.

Have you ever wished you had an extra bathroom in your home? Yes.

But have the high -cost preventative and give yourself that luxury.

Well,

worry no more. Now you two can have a second bathroom for under $500.

Just read these easy -to -follow instructions and ask yourself, Do I have

basic skills needed to complete this here simple, inexpensive, trouble -free

project? No.

Listen to Mr. Negative over here. What's the matter with you? What do you mean,

no? What I mean is building a bathroom takes time, trouble, and hard work.

Now, what are you saying? I'm afraid of hard work?

No, no, no. It's just that you're a businessman. You shouldn't bother with

kind of thing.

You know you're right. Huh?

I am a businessman, and I shouldn't be bothered with that kind of thing.

Oh, boys.

Oh, say, Raoul.

I got great news for you.

Do you know what he's going to do?

He's going in there and take advantage of the foreign boys.

What else is new?

The girls are sleeping upstairs.

Come on. Take it easy.

Hey, watch out for that con!

I'm not old.

Come on.

Put it over there. Oh, there's the shower, too. Take note of the shower.

has to go in, too.

All right, now put it down. Put it down. Easy, easy, easy.

Easy there.

That thing cost me a small fortune.

That's the deluxe model, you know, with the balanced seat here. That's the one

that never falls over on a man when he don't expect it.

How's that, boss?

It's beautiful, you know. All right.

Yeah. Well, there's no sense in standing here just viewing it. You know what I

mean?

May I pray you guys have a good time?

We're not having a good time.

Now, come on. Tell me that you didn't have fun poking around that hardware

store. Okay.

I didn't have fun poking around the hardware store.

I think we better get back to work. Boss, why don't you give me the book?

yeah. Here's the instructions there.

Now, you'll find the whole thing on page 19 or, I don't know, maybe it's 91.

I'm going to go upstairs to bed, you know, because it's been such a long day.

All right.

So please, no loud arguments between the two of you over which one is going to

take that old one home.

All right?

Okay. Get to it, huh?

Bye.

Bye.

Fellas, I need a corned beef and cabbage, a pork chuck special, two

salads, and a ribeye steak medium well. And you're not getting this, are you?

I could punch him for doing that to these guys. Hey, who are you going to

there, Rabinowitz?

No. Ah, me, me.

You should never have gotten anybody to build that bathroom for you except a

professional. Hey, professionals are all crooks.

What do you call a man who exploits his workers?

A free enterprise entrepreneur.

Now, what do you call a young lady who goes to night school and turns against

her own boss?

What?

A communist.

You want to be that?

I'm talking about forcing your employees to do personal jobs for you.

All I've done was ask my two boys in there, who owe me a hell of a lot, to

a bathroom for me.

But that's your personal business. It has nothing to do with the bar.

Yes, it does have something to do with the bar.

Isn't there something to do with the bar?

Because if I can't get into my toilet no more, that means I'm late coming down

here for work. If I'm late coming down here for work... This whole business

comes to a crash and fall.

If this business comes to a crash and fall, then everything's done. Then

everybody's out of work here. You, Jose, Raul, Harry, Shirley over there.

The chick passed by here.

And if you're all out of work, then what happens to unemployment?

The unemployment figures go rocketing up to the moon. You could move it.

The unemployment figures go rocketing up to the moon. Then that makes Ronnie

Regan look bad.

I know you don't give a damn about that. But if Ronnie Regan looks bad, then our

whole economy looks bad.

If the economy looks bad, then there's panic in the streets.

There's bankers leaving for the South of France.

There's stockbrokers leaving their offices at night. Two of the wind is

So it's a fact and the president will back me up on this.

The whole economy of America.

Could depend on Archie Booker's job.

That is the most ridiculous thing you've ever said.

Yeah, what the hell do you know? You only been living with me one year.

Come on, come on, come on. You've got to come down and look at this thing. Get

down there. Come on. You can always set the table made of rock, huh?

Now. Gee, you wouldn't want to miss the big unveiling of New Bedford, would you?

Yeah, the bathroom.

Don't say it like that. This here is where you guys are going to spend some

the happiest moments of your lives.

Are you sure everything works?

Well, why wouldn't it work?

They've been working on it there for two nights running with no interruptions.

You know, not much to talk about because they don't speak good English.

Ah, there he is. I'm proud of you, Jose. Come on, this way.

Oh, hi, hi, girls. Look at this. Will you look at this, huh?

I mean, now, this is a bathroom.

I admit it.

This is a better bathroom than we got upstairs.

Now, look at all... Look at them tiles.

We put all that game in the box.

Well, that was fun. Can they go upstairs now?

I can't leave until we launch the trailer.

Are you going to hit it with a bottle of tiny bowl?

Don't be smart.

You know the most important thing about a term is a flush.

I want to give it its first test of life.

Okay, this is the moment we all wait for.

This ain't right, isn't it, boy?

You don't get no good morning from you, huh?

No. Oh, what, are you still sore?

Yes. I'm not going to Barney's anymore.

This morning we had to wait while Barney and Rusty took a bath.

Who's down the basement?

That's Pulaski the plumber. He's been laughing since he got here.

Now wait for me out on the lawn, Rusty, and later we'll go shopping.

Hi, Arch.

Since your water was turned off, I thought I'd bring you over a pot of

Geez, that's very sweet of you. You know that, Barney? Sometimes I think you're

my only true friend.

Barney, I just wish you wouldn't let your dog do his do's out there.

Hey, look, after all, you're using my facilities.

Would you deny Rusty yours?

Wow, 35 years in the plumbing industry, I've never ever seen anything quite like

that. All right, Pulaski, don't rub it in, huh?

The only mistake is using them illegals there.

Come on, show me your estimate. Let me sign it. All right, Mr. Bunker, here is

the estimate.

$4 ,500.

Are you out of your minds?

Pay it, Archie. You quoted me $3 ,500 for a bathroom.

That's right, Mr. Bunker.

Well, what's the extra $1 ,000?

To get rid of that bathroom.

Let's turn that out.

Please pay it, Uncle Archie.

Will you shut up?

Remember, Mr. Bunker, nature is still on my side.

Michael Lasky, give me the pen. Where do I start? Right there, sir.

When can you get started on this? Right away, Mr. Bunker. I have two very

experienced and professional men on the truck.

That went right through my head like a nail.

I say you found my home improvement book there. Can I have it back?

Sure, yeah. I found it downstairs. I fished it out of the lake that's down

there. Oh, yeah. Thanks a lot.