Original subtitles

I've measured it with my own two eyes, very accurately. We don't want to

the customers too much.

Madam, madam, we're going to have to move freely here. How you can shift,

This way, guys.

Just follow me, just follow me.

Hey, hey, hey, what's going on, you two?

Stephanie is going to audition to get into the high school for performing

Yeah, it's really gnarly.

Huh?

Far out.

Swell, Harry.

Oh, hey, that's swell.

Yeah, but don't tell Uncle Arch. I haven't told him yet.

Not a word.

Not a word.

All right, bring the damn thing back into the kitchen now. If you knew it

going to go through the door, why didn't you open your mouth up to hit it?

You're a quick class, huh, Jose?

Why don't you put wheels on it? Then we can move it faster, huh? Oh, maybe you'd

like aluminum wheels there, huh? Maybe your plastic cheese is hanging off of

leg.

Hey, hi, gang.

Hey, bud.

Let me have a tall, cool one, huh, Harry? Hey, come on up. Did you hear the

news about Stephanie? No.

I'm going to audition for the High School of Performing Arts in Manhattan.

Hey, that's the cat's pajamas.

What?

Golly.

How you doing there, Barney? Hiya, Arch. I just heard the good news.

Barney? Good news? What's wrong?

Stephanie's tryout.

Try out... Oh, geez, not Little League again.

Oh, this is the high school for the performing arts.

It's a terrific school.

God, I don't believe it. Where is this?

It's in the city.

It's on West 46th Street, just off Times Square.

Times Square?

There's nothing wrong with it. Kids go there from all over.

It's run by the city.

Run by the city.

So is the Tombs Who's Gow and the nut farm on Randall's Island.

Stop.

Remember? No, I don't remember nothing, kid.

Sure you did. Remember you were watching the Fighting Seabees on TV?

John Wayne jumped into a bulldozer and he ran off about a thousand Japanese

guys. You were cheering, squash them nips, Duke.

Then I had to do the application design and you said, all right, give me the

damn thing. Hey, hey, what's that language there?

That's what you said.

Well, all right, forget what I said. God, the kid's got a deadly memory over

here. Whatever I said, it's out there. No, no, you can't go.

Why not?

Because I don't want you to have nothing to do with show business.

Don't be looking. Come here. Sit down. Sit down. Now, let me tell you

You're always laughing at me for being the National Enquirer that tells the

truth about people in show business there.

They're all the same.

They're all afflituated there with the booze and the drugs.

Divorce. Broken hearts and broken dreams.

It's the truth. Hey.

You never find a accountant so well to get mixed up in them skins.

Plenty of performers lead normal lives.

Ronald Reagan was an actor.

Yes, but he never took that serious.

Yeah, I know. I saw some of his movies.

There you are.

She's got so much talent, it's a shame to let her waste it.

No, no case closed.

Hey. Come on, Steph, don't be upset.

All the greats were turned down at first.

Hey, hey, they even told Burt Reynolds that he couldn't act.

That must have been before they seen him drive a car.

It's no use giving me the sad eyes. I said no, and that's final.

Thanks for ruining my whole life.

Oh, come on, now, don't go stomping out of here. And, of course, there she goes,

stomping out of here.

You're impossible.

Why must you always be so negative?

Negative, negative.

I'm not negative about nothing.

Then why can't you reconsider?

Harry, no, absolutely no. And about that, I'm positive.

Don't be looking at me, Barney.

I'm the one that's got to raise that kid.

Let me tell you, sir, I don't need advice from nobody on how to do that.

I'm warning you, Barney.

This is only going to make him madder. But it's the only way to get his

attention, take away all his distractions.

Now, let's see.

TV guide.

Newspaper. You've got the cigar. Channel changer.

Well, that should do it.

Watch with the chain. It ain't the Purple Gang out here. It's me.

You weren't scared of that phone.

Come on, will you open the door for me, please?

Just a second. I'm coming to open the door.

Here I am, opening the door now.

It took you long enough. Hi, Archie. Can I talk to you for five minutes?

I know what you're going to talk to me about.

I don't want to hear nothing more about it. I'm very tired.

Leave me alone, will you? My feet hurt.

All I want to do is sit down in my chair, watch a little television, read

paper, smoke a cigar. Where the hell is the cigar?

I left five of them here this morning. Who smoked them? You?

Come on, where's my paper, huh? Where's my channel changer?

Right here. And I'll give it to you if you'll give me your undivided attention.

Give me that channel changer. Five minutes, Archie.

All right, Billy, I got my watch here. Five minutes, go.

All right, come on down, Steph.

Archie, what is this, huh?

I'm not going to talk to you here. What are you going to do?

Start spreading the news.

I'm leaving today.

I want to be a part of it. New York, New York.

These vagabond shoes are long into strength.

In the first place, I'm very tired of that song.

In the second place, I gotta be pretty honest with you, kiddo. You know, it

wasn't that good.

What? Listen, I always say, never try out for nothing. If there's the

chance, you're gonna fail.

I mean to say, if I could tell you that you was excellent, then I'd say to you,

well, go ahead, take a shot.

Oh, now, please, honey, don't go stopping upstairs mad, dear.

How could you? How could you say that to her?

How could I say that to her?

I'm doing it for our own good.

And where the hell are my cigars?

Well, how do you know she get hurt? She just might make it.

Hey, hey, hey, well, don't be too sure.

There's a lot of kids in there competing for that stuff there.

And some of them are born naturally talented, you know, like, oh, well, for

instance, the Cullets.

They make the greatest singers of all, don't they? And why? Because they got

lungs for it.

Because all their lives, they're building up their wind, racing through

streets, keeping ahead of the police cars.

Yes, that's true.

Hey, and not to mention the Spagnolos, huh?

Hey, there's a talented bunch of people.

You know, when ordinary youngsters are playing with rattles, they're playing

with the bongos.

Listen, you and me got to face what we got here.

And all we got here is a nice, sweet and Jewish girl who ought to be thinking

about growing up nice and getting married.

Barbara Streisand was a nice, sweet little Jewish girl. Barbara Streisand

never Jewish.

How do you know that?

If she was Jewish, she would have got a nose job.

The things you say are ridiculous, outrageous, and they stink.

Be that as it may, Billy, the watch tells me you're five minutes up.

Give me back my channel change.

No.

No, this is not fair. You've always said that Stephanie had a beautiful voice.

For the glee club in school.

She's better than that, and you know it.

Listen, I know... You know that she's better than that.

She's even excellent.

I don't want to tell her that.

She could go down there. Maybe she'd get in. And if she'd get in, you know

what'd happen?

What?

She'd take the subway to Times Square and be murdered.

That's a horrible thing to say.

Murder is a horrible thing.

And so is showbiz.

I heard that.

to be listening to what I say.

And you said that if you thought I was excellent, I could go for a shot.

I will not be held irresponsible for the things I say in this house, regardless.

There's no sense in you sitting there staring at me.

Of course, you ain't gonna go to that school.

And that is final.

at Sullivan's show.

Well, I don't get on with it.

Send an email.

Take a seat, please.

Yeah. Mom, take this.

Just have to wait till they call me to audition. I hope it ain't gonna take too

long, honey. You know, I gotta get back to work.

Just help me rehearse my lines for the dramatic reading.

Oh, sonny, I thought Billy Dunn rolled out with you over and over again. Where

do I give it to me? Where do I do it?

It's Romeo and Juliet.

Oh!

I finished it, I think, when I was in high school.

Why didn't you?

Well, most people need a war to come along, you know.

And all mental activities stop before years.

Just start from where they first meet, right here. Okay.

This holy shrine, the gentle find, is this my lips, two blushing pilgrims

to stand with this show ever again.

But don't look at me that way. How would I know? Too blush and foolish. Too

smooth, that rough touch with what you call a tender kiss.

Where does it say what you call?

Well, it don't say it there. It was just ad libitum. You want to be an actress,

you got to learn about ad libitum.

Good children.

You're too wrong.

What are you doing? You nearly took the face off of me with that.

It's an original composition.

What do you think?

We think it is too loud.

I thought it was real good.

Thanks. Hey, when do you go into auditions?

I don't know. Maybe I better go check. Yeah, check, check. I'll be back in a

second. Thank you.

Oh, you ain't gonna toot that again, are you?

I'm back in it. My parents don't like me. When I was five, my family moved.

It took me six months to find...

I didn't ask what you were built like. I asked what your name was.

Seriously, where are you from, Pop?

I think I hate you, child.

Oh, I... I think I'll sit over here with you adults.

Do you have a child here, too? Yeah, a girl.

Lord help me, I wish it was a boy. Maybe I'd be sitting in the middle of a

football stadium.

Talented as my boy, Michael.

He's interested in dance.

Oh, a dancer.

Like Tinkerbell there flying by in a green panty.

Look at this.

This kid must be a torture to his poor little old mammy.

I am his poor little old mammy.

I can tell by your face you feel bad.

Just remember this.

Our beloved present is born through the same misery as you.

Not quite.

He's never met you.

How do you like that, huh?

Me sitting here trying to be nice to her.

You know something? The fellow people are getting very touchy nowadays.

No, no, it's not that.

It's just that some stage parents can be a little sensitive.

I mean, they're so proud of their kids, they get kind of biased.

Oh, yeah, well, of course, this is true, yeah.

I guess it's understandable when you have a talented child.

I know, I'm proud of my Jennifer. She's a wonderful singer.

Oh, a singer, right, I listen.

When it comes to singers, there's one kid here who's heads and shoulders above

all of us.

Really? Which one?

See the cute little number over there in the ponytail?

Okay.

It's the greatest kid singer I ever heard in my life.

Really?

Absolutely.

My turn, Uncle Archie. Oh, good, good, honey. Go ahead.

Break a leg, Stephanie.

What a terrible thing to say to her. Break a leg.

What is the matter with you, horn player there? How would you like it if I said

to you, have a fat lip?

How am I

going to hear what's going on inside the door?

What's the matter with you?

I can't help it. I'm a little nervous. I called the school and they said the

letter should be coming today.

Oh, is that what you're worrying about? Can't you be like me? Geez, that's the

furthest thing out of my mind.

Here comes the mailman.

Oh, I'll get that.

I'll get that.

I'll get that.

I'll get that.

I'll get that. I'll get that.

I'll get that. I'll get that. I'll get that. I'll get that. I'll get that.

I'll get that.

I'll get that. I'll get that. I'll get that. I'll get that. I'll get that. I'll

get that.

I'll get that.

I'll get that. I'll get that. I'll get that. I'll get that. I'll get that. I'll

get that. I'll get that. I'll get that.

I'll get that.

I'll get that.

I'll get that.

I'll get

Gagliani Brothers Adult Film Productions, Tijuana, Mexico. Don't be

that.

Excuse me, but the plane wrapped package, that's Mr. Hefner's.

I might have knew.

Barney Hefner's dirty stuff.

Now, let me tell you something. The one mistake our president, Ronnie Regan,

made was to fire Al Haig and keep you as guide dog.

Archie, you can't open her mail.

What are you talking about I can't open it? I can open it by law. By law.

The owner of a house can open any mail that comes to that house.

I think you're terrible at invading her privacy and bunting into her personal

messages and telling me what it says.

Oh, Jesus.

What?

Oh, Jesus.

Ain't that awful? And the kid was the best one there. The whole damn thing was

jip. Never mind that. Tiffany's gonna be home any minute. How are you gonna tell

her? I'll tell her. I'll tell her.

Gotta be very careful telling kids things like this, you know.

They need to have a little sort of tackiness there.

I was afraid of you. You sure you don't want me to tell her? No, no, no. Leave

it to me. I got many years of experience telling people things that make them

feel rotten.

No, darling, no, there was no mail today.

Then what's that?

Oh, I bet that don't count as mail junk, you know, people dunning for money.

What's going on, you two?

Well, honey, I got to tell you something. Come over here and sit down,

Just sit down in the chair, huh? That's good, girl.

I didn't make it, did I?

Well, before I begin, how would you like a 20?

I wasn't good enough, huh?

Yes, you was good enough. One of them jerks over there, no. The whole thing

the fix was in.

Gee.

Stephanie, they said you were terrific.

But your grades were just too low.

They require a higher average in that school.

They require a higher average in that school.

I don't think that's fair.

I mean, it was the math and science that pulled my average down. I mean, what

does math and science have to do with it anyway?

Well, honey, don't be knocking math and science. It's very important, math and

science. There's hardly a day goes by that I don't use math and science my

one way or another, you know.

Now, listen to me.

Don't feel bad.

But what you got to do now is you got to give up this singing career, you know,

please, and be just a nice, normal kid. I want you to go on back to school

there, you know, and then work hard and get out of school.

You meet a foe, you grow up, you get married, be a housewife, then you have

kids. You grow old together and you die.

See? I mean, that's normal.

And then you never have to look at yourself in the papers and see yourself

nasties with Eddie Fisher or something.

I don't want to be normal.

Nobody does, honey.

But that damn is the key to a peaceful life.

What is that for?

You know what I'm going to do? What are you going to do?

I'm going to go back to school. Yes. And I'm going to work on my math and my

science. Yes. And then I'm going to try out again next year. Yes. No. And I'll

eat this ice cream and I'll think about it and I'll think of new instruments

like the French horn. Oh, the Howard. Now, come on. Don't you listen to

I'm trying to tell you down there. Look at that up the stairs. My voice is

wasted. I'm talking to the wall.

Nobody pays no attention to me here.

Archie, I'm sure that Stephanie thinks you're...

Gnarly. A what?

Gnarly. It means far out.

I don't want to be far out.

But you are.