Original subtitles

Oh, Jose, we're going to lock up here tonight.

You know, not only the front door, but double lock the back door. We sure do

that. And sprinkle all the roach powder in the cracks around it.

And the blue stuff in all the cells.

Take out the garbage there.

And bait them mousetraps. And I got to do everything around here.

Why is he always pretending we got mice?

We got rats.

Pick out the garbage, double bolt the doors, sprinkle the rose powder, put the

blue stuff in the toilets, and then we gotta clean the kitchen, cook the food.

Why are we doing all this?

Because on El Sabado... That's not a bad answer.

He's okay. Don't touch him.

I know we got to help him, but if we call the police, they might find out

we're illegal.

We got to do something.

The best way we can help him is call the police and then call an ambulance, but

don't tell them who we are.

That's what I just said.

I didn't even go by the alley last night.

I just walked straight to my truck right behind Billy.

You didn't notice anything.

Lieutenant.

I was walking behind Billy.

All right, Bunker, I checked. Now, the alley is not part of your property.

Good. And I ain't involved.

Hi, honey.

Customer. Customer.

So, Lieutenant, I suppose you're never going to catch this guy, huh?

Well, I mean, the victim didn't see anybody. We don't have a witness.

Who reported it? We got this anonymous phone call. Some guy hardly made any

sense.

I'll vouch for that, Lieutenant.

This is the fourth muggin' in this area this month.

Yeah, I know. We figure it's the same guy. It's identical M .O.

Hey, Arch, you know, you merchants could help each other. Kind of keep an eye

out, report anything suspicious.

Why don't you join the neighborhood watch?

That's a terrific idea.

He'll never do that.

I'll never do that.

See?

Why?

I ain't got no time to waste watching out for these characters like Ganzoni

day go down the market.

And the other guy, that Prevoit Mick McFeely and his topless janks, what a

couple of dumbbells.

They won't join either.

Because they're smart.

Archie, we've got to get involved to stop what's going on. No, no, no. You've

got to stay out of it. Let me tell you something. The first rule of an American

businessman is mind your own damn business.

You know, that's the problem with this country.

Everyone is only looking out for themselves.

The problem with this country is we ain't done that since President

Listen, let your motto be my motto.

Live and let's live.

At the same time, I'm always willing to bend over backwards to tighten the other

cheek.

It's not a pretty picture.

But I've seen him do it.

Jose, we got to tell him.

Raul, you know what could happen to us. But that was fourth mugging over the

identical M .O.

What is M .O.? That's a police word.

What is it? M .O.?

What else could it be?

You're right.

I'll tell you what.

If he comes right in here and he walks right up to us and he asks us face to

face, did we see anything?

We tell him the truth.

Hey, fellas.

Yeah. Yeah. Did you see anything?

No. No.

I'm an ignorant. All I know is sweeping the mop. Yeah, and, you know, spreading

the roach powder and putting the blue stuff in the toilet. And taking out the

garbage.

Hey. You could have been out in the alley about the time it happened.

Well, actually, last night we didn't take the garbage out.

What did you do? Did you stash it in here overnight?

No, no. I mean, we took it out, but last night we took it out the front.

The front?

How unclassy.

And what did you do?

Leave it there by my entrance?

No, there, under your name.

You didn't see anyone out there, huh?

No.

Well. Thanks anyway.

I told you, everybody in here is ignorant.

Hey, morning, Arch. How's it going?

I wish I could say it was going good, but it's going lousy. I went over to

Ganzoni's Market to pick up our regular vegetable order there. You know, the

cabbages, cabbages, cuisines, not to mention the lettuce.

And the joint is closed at 9 .30 in the morning.

Great. What are we going to do?

Not we, Harry. You. You're going to get in the pick -up truck and you're going

to go over to Ferguson's Market.

Oh, I'm a bartender.

And you like being a bartender, don't you?

I'll get my cup.

Hey.

Come on, man, you can't keep going on like this. Snap out of it.

But I still feel bad we no say nothing.

Hey, there ain't been no more muggins, has there?

And it's been three days, right?

Anyway, it was dark. I mean, what could we say about that guy?

Not much.

Only he was a gringo, brown hair, a mustache, sure like you.

Yeah, and don't forget the scar over here.

Yeah, I mean, what could the cops do with that?

Hi, Archie.

Hiya there, honey.

Hey, hey, come on, fellas.

Shouldn't you be working here? I mean, shouldn't you be starting a salad?

Hey, boss, how can we make the salad when we ain't got no greens?

No greens? Well, let's just start with the salad dressing, huh?

Then when we get the greens, we'll dump them on there.

See, they can't make the salads. It's all the fault of the Duke of Sicily,

Alfonso Ganzoni.

Didn't you hear?

Why? How about Mr. Ganzoni? He's in the hospital in critical condition.

He must have squealed on somebody.

Archie, he was on his way to the bank after work, and he got mugged by that

guy.

Oh, he got mugged. Poor Mr.

Ganzoni. Oh, gee, my poor friend.

Did you hear that, fellas, huh?

Mr. Ganzoni, he got mugged last night. He's in the hospital. Same guy done it

there. Poor sweet Mr.

Ganzoni.

That's why we ain't got no salads.

But hey, better him than the butcher, huh?

So, furthermore... No, no.

Make that and.

Furthermore, the party of the first part demands that the party of the second

part be party to all future discussions involving both parties.

Sound right.

God, I hate this stuff. I'm not surprised. You're not very good at it.

Does your job require you to be so candid, Marsha? Uncle Abe said you

help. Thank you.

Yeah, Lillian.

There are two gentlemen here to see you.

Well, I don't have any appointments.

It's a matter of death and life.

Raul, is that you?

Mr. Dabinowitz, is that you?

Jose, is that you?

Why don't I show them in so we can clear this thing up?

Yeah, good.

Do you want me to stay and take notes? Maybe you better.

Boy, it would have been great if they taught Spanish in Hebrew school. And

you could have sung Bethlehem Mucho at your bar mitzvah.

Cute, Misha.

Oh, come on in, guys.

Jose, Raul, you can just grab that chair over there.

Oh, this is my cousin, Marcia. This is Jose.

Nice meeting you. And Raul. How are you doing it?

Like everybody else.

So, guys, how can I help you?

We need advice.

Raul, let me do the talking.

What Raul means is a friend of ours needs advice.

Two friends, but not us.

These two friends of ours, they're illegal aliens.

Like us, but not us.

And they witnessed a crime.

You know that ski mask bandit? Well, our friends... Not us.

They've seen him, and without his mask.

And they want to go to the police, but they're afraid to get in trouble.

And they don't want no trouble.

Neither do us.

You guys can identify the ski mask bandit? Si, Raul.

Sorry, Jose.

He made me steal the frijoles.

You know, there's no law that says you have to testify.

I mean, no one would ever know.

You could just turn your back on the whole matter.

No. Si. No.

I'm glad you didn't say that.

Si?

No.

No.

You getting this down?

Si.

It's very amusing. Want me to toss you a hat and cane?

Oh, Marcia, do me a favor.

Call the DA's office. Now tell them I'm bringing in two clients tomorrow to

identify that mugger. But don't tell them anything else.

What about us being illegal?

Just don't volunteer any information. Your background might never come up.

But what if it does?

Oy vey.

What does that mean?

Deportation. You got to protect us from oy vey.

I'll try.

That's for the bag, Harry.

Anytime, Jose, but you ain't gonna need it.

Harry's right.

I bet we'll all be laughing about this as soon as you get back.

Yeah, in about 20 years.

Hey, Raul, come on. We gotta get going. Mr. Rabinowitz is waiting for us.

Okay, I take this.

You ain't gonna need that.

Ah, but you never been to El Salvador.

We got to get going. Oh, okay.

I am so proud of you guys. Come here.

Hey,

hey, hey. What is going on here?

I mean... What's this?

You two guys leaving early?

Yeah, we got to do it, boss. God help us.

Now, come on. Don't be bringing Gord into this. I told it to you.

He's going to have two religious holidays off.

Christmas and Halloween.

Don't give me the look.

The Polacks only get Halloween.

It ain't a holiday, Arch.

They're giving a statement to the police.

They're going to identify the mugger.

You two guys seen that mugger in the alley here?

Yeah, we did.

And you just withheld that information from the police?

Yeah, we did.

Boys, I'm proud of you. You ain't as dumb as you look.

Now, don't go down there squirreling.

Archie, they want to tell the truth.

What are you talking about the truth? The truth don't work for the foreign

Now, who put them up to this? You?

They are doing a very brave thing. They could get deported.

I know they could get deported.

And that would be a very selfish thing of them two to let themselves get

deported. Would all right done for them here.

And all the work that has to be done around here, look at it all. It gives me

headache for instance to boost up the toilets.

Marge, right now the toilets ain't the most important thing.

I know the most important thing is the roaches, but the toilets are still a

big item.

Maybe we won't get deported. I mean, maybe they'll think we're from this

country.

If they believe you're from this country, they'll believe I'm a knockin'

Leave them alone, Archie. Go on, boys. You're doing the right thing. Don't be

shoving them out the door. She's shooshing them out the door. They're

the door.

And there they go. They're gone.

What is the matter with you? You trying to ruin me, ruin my business? Do you

know how long it'll take me to train a couple of new illegals?

And you should be trying to help this situation.

They're doing the right thing.

You and the right thing. Get away from me.

Do you hear what's going on here?

They ain't gonna get deported.

But supposing they do?

then who's going to make the lunch today and the dinner tonight and all the

meals tomorrow and thousands of meals down into the future years?

I've got to go down there with them, that's all, and try to salvage the

situation. I've got to go in there and speak up for them.

What's he going to do?

He's going to get them deported.

According to our reports, Counselor, Mr. Perez and Mr. Rosario at first denied

any knowledge of the assailant. The district attorney's office does not like

witnesses that change the story. Please, Mr. Baker, let me allay your fears.

I mean, my clients are going to make wonderful witnesses. They are pleasant,

soft -spoken, highly credible people.

They're not going to have any problems.

I apologize.

Except for one.

Boy, congratulations.

I see you caught your mugger. Another cold guy.

Bunker, beat the deputy DA.

Well, it's kind of a natural mistake. I mean,

it's just that you look a little dangerous.

I am.

Who is this guy?

This is Archie Bunker, sir.

Right, and I'm sure you'd agree that he has absolutely no business whatsoever

even being here.

Archie Bunker. Archie Bunker's place.

That's right, Mr. District Attorney. My place is right by the alley, which is

the scene of the crime, and that's why I come here. I brought me a couple of

materialistic witnesses out here.

Joe and Ralph.

Joe and Ralph. Joe and Ralph, come on in here.

The DA's the colored guy. Don't say nothing offensive.

Here they are, Mr. DA.

Joe and Ralph.

and two of the finest American guys you'd ever want to find a city in New

I'll tell you how good they are. They come with me all the time to the

ballgames, you know, out of Shea Stadium.

And you know, before the game begins, when they're playing the national anthem

there, there's always a couple of guys that sing a little too long at the end

there, the home of the frees from the land of the brave.

Do you mind, Mr. Bunker? I'd like to hear their story.

But that's what I'm telling you, Mrs. E .A., their story.

Bunker, why not let Joe and Ralph speak for themselves?

Yeah, yeah, they can speak for themselves.

Sure, go ahead.

Now, according to your attorney, you got a good look at this sailor. Si.

He means, yeah, he see.

Saw. Saw.

Whatever.

All right.

Now, I want you two men to take a good look at these photographs.

The victims gave us what information they could.

Estimated height, approximate weight, eye color, nature of crime, type of

disguise. The computer did the rest.

Now, it's very possible that the man we're looking for is among these here.

Hey, that's him, the top guy. I never forget a face.

You sure?

You don't want to look at the others?

There was no others. He was alone.

Lieutenant, get in my office. Drop the arrest warrant. I want to move fast on

this. Yes, sir.

Okay, well, we're all finished. Glad to help. Come on, fellas, let's go back to

work. But, Bunker, why don't you run on ahead and we'll finish up the statements

without you? Oh, I'm not letting go of these guys. I'm going to stay here with

my colleagues.

Gentlemen, you are presently employed by Archie Bunker's Place. Is that correct?

Yes, that's right. Archie Bunker's Place. That's my place. The famous

over in Astoria there. Hey, we do one hell of a business. That's why we got to

have two chefs over there. See, this is the head chef and this is the chef that

works underneath it.

I know they don't sound like they're from here, but they are. They're from

away, but inside the curtain, you know.

It's the south of Minnesota.

Minnesota? Yeah, see, a lot of them Latin types, they cross over into the

south because they're immune to the mosquitoes.

Okay, that's it. What the hell is going on here? You told me there were credible

witnesses. Mr.

Baker, I can explain. No, no, let me explain.

We ain't from Minnesota, Mr. Baker. I mean, Raul and I, we don't belong in

country. Si, we are illegal aliens.

No kidding.

Mr. District Attorney, I want to tell you that I'm shocked to hear this.

I never dreamed that these two guys were going to walk in here and say a thing

like this.

Did you two southerners realize that when you came forward, you could get

deported? Yes, sir, they did.

And still you came forward. Si, we must.

It was the only right thing to do.

Amazing. Amazing.

I must say, I'm impressed.

Yeah, Mr.

D .A., you're impressed with us here?

We can't even get citizens to come forward and testify these days.

Oh, that is very true.

I mean, ain't it pathetic the number of people nowadays to try to duck their

duty? Yeah, and a few of the whites, too.

Mr. Baker, as material witnesses in a pending case, they wouldn't have to be

deported immediately, would they?

Deported?

Maybe not.

Do you think you could do something to help them?

I can't guarantee it now, but I'm going to do everything in my power to see that

they gain residency status. Oh, that's great.

Thank you.

Hallelujah.

Let me congratulate you on applying where you handle this case.

And you know something else, boys? I'm proud of you after all. I mean, I really

am. And to show my appreciation, I'm going to give you both a little raise.

cents an hour.

Wow.

Thanks, boss.

That's $2 .50 an hour.

Never divulge your gross income inside of an official building.

You're paying us $2 .50 an hour?

Yes, sir. They wait every penny. Worth a few pennies more than that, the minimum

wage is $3 .35 an hour.

I thought that Reagan killed that.

Bunker, failure to pay minimum wage is a misdemeanor. I know that.

Up to $500 in fines, Mr. Bunker. I know, yeah.

And back wages.

Wow. And interest.

Wow, what's interest?

More money.

Of course, you could avoid the charges and the fines. And interest.

Thank you.

Just by paying the 335.

All right, all right, all right. Why do people always do this to me, huh?

Rush up and tell me the right thing to do just before I do it.