Original subtitles

Can't eat pancakes that ain't round.

I mean, look at these, they got corners all over them.

Eat them with your eyes closed.

Well, then how are they gonna find their way into my mouth?

Morning. Morning.

Oh, look who's up.

What time did the Benowitz get you home last night?

I'm not sure, but I think I test the paper boy on my way in.

I was ballet.

It was wonderful. Oh, the ballet.

A bunch of fruits and long johns leaping around the plastic spa.

It wasn't classic. It was modern. And as a matter of fact, last night we saw the

president's son with the Joffrey Ballet.

Hey, that's the president's little cross to bear. Don't shift it over on me.

The main point I'm trying to make is I think you're seeing a little too much of

young Rabinowitz.

And I got half a mind to call up his little Jewish mother with the high blood

pressure.

Yeah.

I didn't say I was gonna.

I just said I got half a mind.

And if you can't agree with me in any of these arguments, then don't be talking.

I'm not talking.

Well, don't be looking at me with the two big eyes there.

It was that voice.

Look at this. I'm eating Texas here.

Hi. Hi.

I brought you a little something to eat.

Oh, wow.

That looks delicious.

Oh, it smells fantastic.

I can't eat it.

Why not?

I'm depressed.

Oh, is Archie getting you again?

Not again.

Still.

No, no, this is something else. This is sibling depression.

Oh, your brother Barry, huh?

Yeah. Hey, look, it's not important. I mean, I don't want to talk about it.

Hey, if it's got you down, let's talk about it.

This morning, he actually interrupted a partner's meeting just to yell at me for

putting a coffee spoon on his briefcase.

I mean, the man is amazing. He still treats me like I'm five and he's twelve.

What'd you do?

I stuck my tongue out at him.

Gary, I'm kidding. Please.

I... I just did what I always do.

I kept saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Yell back at him.

Yell at him?

Oh, Billy, you don't know my brother.

Hey, Rabinowitz, I want to talk to you.

Hear that?

Next to my brother, that sweet music.

What now, Bunker?

Sit down, Rabinowitz. We're going to have to have a serious talk.

Now, don't you remember rule number one around here?

Of course I do. No shoes, no shirts, no Democrats.

Yeah, but that ain't it.

Oh, the other one.

Never try to explain the lamb stew, just serve it.

Well, let me tell you the rest of it.

There's only one boss around here that's mean. I know that.

Then how is it Harry tells me that you're making plans to order liquor from

Lester on Thursdays when I am perfectly happy to order my liquor from Morty on

Monday? It's better to order just before the weekend.

See, that way you never get caught short.

Come on, Harry.

When do we ever get caught short?

Last weekend.

All right, yeah, but before that.

The weekend before that.

Who asked you, huh, Harry?

Oh, finally.

I got a delivery here for Gary Riverwood.

Uh, for Bigelow. Yeah, just, uh, oh, that's nice. Bring it back to the

will you?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold everything. Don't move that no place

Who gave you permission to order that? You did last Tuesday.

I don't remember Tuesday.

You don't remember what year this is. Is that my problem?

But never mind that. We don't need this here.

We got an old cabinet back that's perfectly good.

Bunker, it's broken. The two top drawers haven't even opened in six weeks.

Can't you use the bottom drawer? I'd love to. Put your bowling balls in

Hey, fellas, come on. Your problem is getting to be very well known out here.

Why don't the two of you just go discuss it? Then you're all good. Yeah, all

right. Now, why don't you show them how you work, please? Don't be looking at me

here. Come on, go on.

An old flat cabinet's the best.

What the hell is it anyway?

Only a corp and for mold of indocuments.

I feel like I'm losing control over all the events of this establishment. I'm

going to tell you right now.

It ain't going to happen.

All of this spending of money without my permission. All of this making changes

without insulting me.

It's going to stop, Rabinowitz. I'm telling you, I've had it.

You've had it?

Listen, Bunker. Let me tell you something.

I've had it. Are you mad about something?

Yes, I'm mad. about something.

Why? We're just having our normal morning conferences.

I don't need these normal conferences.

I... God, I think I'm getting a rash.

Where? There.

Oh, there? No, that ain't nothing.

Do you see what you did?

I'm 29 years old, and I'm coming down with prickly heat.

Oh, now, that's hardly fair, Rabinowitz, to start blaming me for your prickly

heat.

I'm trying to keep this business running, and you keep butting in.

Because it's my business.

And while we're on the subject, it's my bus.

All I want you to do from now on is nothing but what I tell you to do.

And another thing, don't be seeing so much of Billy. Oh, hey, hey, now just

let's leave Billy out of this.

I just brung Billy into this.

Bunker, forget Billy.

That's what I want you to do.

I don't need this.

Where are you going? I'm leaving.

Well, when are you coming back?

I may not come back.

I, uh, I quit.

What? Wait a minute. Hey, listen. You can't quit unless I fire you.

Then fire me.

Oh, now listen. I want you to listen to this. Listen to this. Listen to this,

everybody. Man is standing here and he's asking to be fired. You want to be

fired, you're fired.

Thank you.

I see how much I'm worrying about it. I'll even call him a cab.

Don't bother. I'll walk.

And just remember, Bunker, you won't have Rabinowitz to kick around anymore.

Well, remember this, Rabinowitz, I don't need you to kick around anymore.

I got plenty of people in here I can kick around.

What do I do now? Follow the man with the briefcase.

Why are you all listening to this?

And watch with the face on you.

Gee, what did you do?

What did I do? You was here, you seen, I didn't do nothing, nothing.

But I'm going to do something I should have did months ago.

I'll do it right now.

All right.

You know the old saying, better late than...

Uh, hello?

Let me talk to Wade Rabinowitz right away. It's a matter of life and death.

Uh, Barbara Lee?

When you're done there.

See the ketchup bottles over there? They require an emergency refill.

I hope you're proud of yourself.

What are you talking about?

Gary, what's the best thing that ever happened to this place?

Well, maybe for you, Barbara Lee, but see, the rest of us, we wasn't

in necking with him in the store room.

You'll be sorry he's gone.

No, no, I ain't gonna be sorry because we're gonna get his older brother, Gary.

Come and help us here. Who I understand is not only smarter than him, but more

pleasanter and more respectful.

And furthermore, he's married, you know, so he won't be chasing nobody around

the premises. Not to mention anybody's name in particular. I just look at the

party and whistle.

Draw me a pilsner there, will you, Harry?

Excuse me, are you Archie Bunker? Yeah, that's right, pal.

What can I do you?

Barry Rabinowitz, your new legal representative.

Oh, hey, very pleased to meet you there. Pleased to meet you.

You know, you don't look nothing like your kid brother.

Well, thank God for that.

Well, as long as you're here, you might as well meet my bartender. This is Harry

Snowjob. Snowdad.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, well, we might as well get started. The office is right back here.

I'm the easiest guy in the world to get along with as long as people know their

place. Bunker, let's get something straight right off.

I am not a little wimp like my brother, so you're not going to browbeat or bully

me. The only reason that my Uncle Abe is trying to keep you from destroying

yourself is his tender memory of your late wife. But I am not going to take

of your usual crap.

Oh, now, wait a minute. I've been given a full report on this place, and

frankly, I am astonished that this isn't a vacant lot.

Now, look, pal, I don't... If you also happen to represent Murray Klein's share

of the bar, I am going to take an added interest to make sure that this place is

run more cost -efficiently.

Now, don't show me to your office. I'll find my own way.

Hello, cupcake.

The wimp was right.

You're real cute.

Hey, uh, what do you suppose your wife would say if she heard you talking that

way to a young girl? My wife? We signed the divorce papers last month.

I think I'm gonna like it here.

Well, you were right, Arch.

He's, uh, pleasant, respectful.

And married.

What is this? Come on. Why is it with you?

Does lust run through your whole family?

We were just talking, Bunker. And I've been expecting you ten minutes ago. You

know my time is valuable.

I don't like to be kept waiting.

Come on.

I don't believe this guy. This here is ridiculous.

I can't put up with much more of him either, Arch. Now he's telling me how to

mix drinks.

This is ridiculous.

And he's telling me I'm illegal.

You know, you really deserve this. You should never have let Gary go.

I think you ought to get him back.

Harry, let me do the thinking.

Will you?

All right, I'm here. What do you want?

Sit down, Bunker. Well, I think I'll stand if you don't mind.

Your kitchen help is illegal, your bartender should have been put out to

years ago, your food ordering is haphazard, and your liquor supply is

understocked. Get to the point.

Obviously, neither you nor my wimp brother had any idea how to run a

so I am recommending to my uncles that we hire a professional manager.

Well, I'm recommending to your uncles that you take a hike.

Bunker six.

of the original Rabinowitzes have quit on you. Their accountants have quit on

you. Even my brother quit on you.

Hey, I ain't here to reminisce. Now listen, a law firm doesn't usually give

kind of help. If I walk, you are dropped as a client. And you'll never get

anybody who'll do all this work.

Well, I think you're wrong.

Your Uncle Abe ain't gonna quit on me. He'll never let me down. And he's the

I'm gonna talk to. He's our vacation. We sent him to the mountains.

Well, then I'll wait till he gets back.

Just remember, that old man is still ahead of your fight. Not if we can keep

in the mountains.

Uh, therefore, our client, Leone Meats Incorporated, is under no obligation

whatsoever to pay for any damages to your kitchen utensils which were

during the slicing of their salami.

Uh, sincerely yours, so forth and so on.

Marsha, why do I get all these piddly cases?

Because you're nothing around here. You are low man on the totem pole.

Or to put it more dramatically, you are the bottom of the barrel.

That's tactfully put, Marsha. Why don't you just drive a spike through my heart?

What's next? The Simmons case.

Oh, yeah, Simmons. Okay, dear Mr. Simmons, we regret to inform you that we

no legal basis to pursue your request for an injunction.

Despite the fact that your neighbor's fox terrier, Ralph, continues to

your poodle, Naomi, you extraordinarily will not interest themselves in such

relationships.

Uh, yes, Lillian? Mr. Bunker's here to see you. I'm terribly sorry.

Tell him my appointment book is filled for the next decade.

Tell him I hear him and I gotta see him right away.

Mr. Bunker, please! You're knocking over my pencil!

Grant. Okay, Lillian, send him back. Do you want me to leave? No, no, stay.

In fact, take notes. I may be able to submit this to Reader's Digest.

You know, that's very discouraging to lie that way.

Hello, Mark. I knew you was in here.

So this is your office, huh?

Well, it's kind of small, but then, uh, it's very adjacent to the tillers.

Uh, this is my secretary, Marsha.

Uh, hiya, sis.

Uh, uh, look, I want to talk to the attorney here in private, so, you know,

could leave.

Bunker, you can say anything you want. She's my cousin.

Oh, yeah?

She's the whole family, huh?

God, the building is full of Rabinoviches.

It's like the Jewish Osmonds.

You getting all this down? All of it.

Yeah, well, you don't have to put down the word Jewish there, you know.

I'll tell you why I come over here, Rabinovich. I know why you came here,

Bunker. Yeah, why?

My brother Barry's driving you crazy, right? He's bossing you around and

you names. I know.

For 20 years, he called me the little wimp.

He still calls you that.

Don't write that.

I'm sorry, Bronco.

I'm not coming back.

No. These last few days, I have been like a new man. I mean it. I have never

been so totally relaxed.

Yeah, what about your rash? Is it still itching?

It's completely gone.

And here at the office, they're giving me some very important cases to handle.

I have a huge litigation with a sausage company.

A major injunction protecting animal rights. Am I right, Marsha? Right. Big

cases.

So, you're just stuck with my overbearing brother?

Hey, hey, don't go jumping to no conclusions.

I didn't come here to ask you back. That was the furthest thing from my mind.

As long as you refused my request, I held it.

I just thought that as long as I was in the neighborhood, I'd just drop by, you

know, to let you know that your brother advises me that you left my place in a

mess.

Oh, really?

Yes, really.

In case you never noticed, Bunker, my brother is an ass.

Anyway, I just thank the Lord in his infinite wisdom for sending your brother

me in time to save my business.

Oh, that's fine.

That is terrific. Go work with my brother. Please.

Now, you two deserve each other.

Fine. Fine.

Fine.

Ah, by the way, Billy.

She asked me as long as I was over here to say goodbye to you.

What? Oh, gee, you didn't hear the bad news, huh?

What? What bad news?

Well, it's bad news. You know, I don't know... Bronco, did something happen to

Billy? No, no, no, nothing happened to Billy. No, no, she's good.

She's better than ever.

No, what it is is this.

Your brother, you know, he kind of took a shine.

To Billy.

I mean, Billy, she ain't exactly kicking him out the door, neither.

You know, one of them things.

And as you know yourself, you know, in case you ain't noticed, he's better

looking than you.

A murderer.

Oh, gee, don't do that. Don't do that, Rabinowitz. Gee, never, never go to

violence. No, no, very bad.

No, but violence never does no good.

Unless there's a little hope left, see.

But in a situation like this, No, no, no.

Just remember the old saying.

It's better to have loved and lost than be

a rolling stone that gathers no moss.

Is he right about Billy?

Get your coat, Gary.

Wait a minute, Marsha. You never told me anything right before.

Go, go.

Marsha, it's this way.

Can't you get him back?

Take it easy. Take it easy. He's coming. He's coming.

Okay, where is he?

Where's my lousy brother?

Oh, in the storeroom with Billy. With Billy.

Our storeroom?

Stop calling me cupcake.

Hey, Wimple, what are you doing here?

in my job back.

Well, you can have it as soon as I straighten out your mess.

Now listen, let's get something straight, Barry. There's no mess here.

I have this place running like clockwork and I am taking back this job.

Now listen to me.

Uncle Abe knows that when I take on a job, I see it through.

Do you know what I'd love to do?

Oh, what?

I would love to tell Uncle Abe

Which one of us really botched up the Medwin case?

Hey, any good lawyer can lose a little key.

Really?

Yeah, I'd also love to tell Aunt Sylvia what happened to her cat.

What are you talking about? It was 23 years ago.

What does a kid know about electricity?

Do you know what, Barry?

I'm not going to do that.

I'm simply going to tell you once to get the... hell out of here.

And what are you gonna do if I don't?

I'm gonna throw you out.

Listen, if working with Bunker means so much to you, I'm not gonna fight you

over that.

I got other things to do, Wimpy.

Barry, that's another thing.

Where did this Wimp thing come from?

You know, nobody else has ever called me that.

Why did you start calling me that?

Seemed appropriate at the time.

Hey, listen, Cupcake. When you get tired of this guy, and you will, give me a

call.

I'll see you back at the office, Gary.

And if they need any help, feel free.

You. I was so proud of you.

Very interesting, that, you know.

I always thought that brothers fought like that in Gentile families. You know,

drawing upon my own experience there.

But not this time. Jews. I thought the Jews were, you know, very much like

Little line.

You said it.

Where the hell are they?

In a storeroom. Ah.