Original subtitles

Hey, I got a terrific surprise this morning.

What?

I feel good.

You're kidding.

No, I slept like a log.

And you know why I slept like a log?

Why?

Windows closed.

Want to sleep good in New York, you got to keep the air out.

I'm making breakfast this morning. Yeah, where is it? What do you got?

The protein pickup drinks.

Eight yolks, raw milk, wheat germ oil, and... And prune yogurt.

That sounds very healthy.

It is.

But I hate healthy.

I'm 58 years living on unhealthy. Why fool with success?

Here's your coffee.

Here's the coffee. Is she up yet?

I guess not.

Well, what time did she come in last night in that dopey nightclay she goes

I don't know.

She must have woke you up when she came in.

No. I had the windows closed, too.

She's just coming in the door.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. What do you call this? You've been out the whole night?

Yes. It's been the most stimulating night of my life.

It was with a guy.

My economics professor.

And she ain't even got the decency to lie about. You shouldn't be listening to

this.

After class, a group of us went over to Professor Gorin's house. And we talked

all night.

Then we went out for breakfast.

Oh, don't give me that.

No normal human being can spend a whole night talking to a professor.

This man is fascinating.

I want to know why you didn't call me up. Let me know what you was doing

I'm here the whole night pacing the floor.

You were not.

You shut up.

You said you slept like a log.

Will you shut up?

Last time I called late, you yelled at me for giving you a heart attack.

In fact, you said if you can't be home before 11 o 'clock, don't bother

That's right.

Those are your exact words.

Who are you, huh?

A lawyer?

Let me tell you something. From now on, I want to hear from you every move she

makes. Who are you, the CIA?

In this house? Yes.

Yes, that's who I am.

The CIA.

I don't know what's come over you lately.

You never come home for supper with the family.

You're trotting around with a whole lot of new people who I hate and I ain't

even met.

Archie, after six months of being here, I'm finally starting to have some fun.

Well, fun. Fun for you. That's torture for me. You shouldn't be listening to

this.

Billy, be reasonable.

If I don't know where you are, then how am I going to keep an eye on you?

You know, you're right.

You're damn right I'm right.

That's why I shouldn't be under this roof anymore.

You should listen to this here.

Every time you have a little argument and there's some words, she's reaching

the Samsonites.

You ain't going no place, Billy, because there's no place for you to go. You

ain't got the money to live alone.

How do you know?

Because I don't pay him enough.

Life is tough, Billy. Life is tough.

Yeah, well, tough or not, I'm going to face it.

You handled that real well.

Hey, Dutch!

I'm going to start stopping you yelling. I'm going to have strokes.

Don't be a Weisenheimer over here.

And don't worry.

She ain't going nowhere.

Shirley, I need a favor.

Are you still looking for a roommate?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, terrific.

Well, how soon do you want to move in?

Uh, tonight?

That's a problem.

Oh.

Well, my fiancé just got into town, and it's an efficiency apartment, and we

haven't seen each other in six months.

You know what I mean?

Well, I get the picture.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Oh, no, that's okay.

Thanks anyway.

Ladies, ladies, conversation while a customer's waiting to serve us out

I look at you, you got my office looking like a Greyhound bus station.

Is that supposed to scare me?

I'm not bluffing, Archie.

In fact, I've already found a place.

Do tell.

Well, just in case, tonight for supper we'll put your plate on the table.

Well, that's one plate you won't have to wash.

Now, we'll see. But in the meantime, could you do something for mankind?

Look for a bottle of vodka?

Hey, come on, don't be moping there, huh?

Yeah, from your lovely pile of franks and beans.

Well, I've been sweating over them for an hour, really.

I can't.

I'm worried about Billy.

Why?

I don't know where she is.

Ah, she'll be yours.

Hey, hey, you know where she probably is? The YWCA. And if she's there,

she'll be home tomorrow.

Because you ain't going to be able to take more than one night listening to

whalings of 1 ,200 forgotten women on their cocktails.

Oh, I really appreciate this.

You saved my life.

Hey, what are friends for?

Listen, I have that extra bedroom all cleared out, and you can stay as long as

you want.

Terrific. I don't know how I'll ever repay you.

Well, we'll... Try to think of something.

No, really. I don't want to take advantage of you.

Billy, take, take.

No. Until I find my own place, I want to split all the expenses right down the

middle. Now, how much do you pay a month for this place?

$1 ,175.

What's half of that?

$150.

I was always terrible at math.

You're a doll. But I insist on paying half of everything else.

And I can do most of the housework. Billy, that's not necessary. I have a

who comes in every now and then.

Well, Chuck, tell her you don't need her anymore.

My mother?

You're so cute.

Oh, no, no. Don't say cute.

Cute is a liability.

I mean, last week I was in front of a jury making this impassioned plea.

And a lady in the front row pinched my cheek.

Okay, you're not cute.

You're...

Adorable. That's what I mean.

Especially when you do Peter Lorre. Not again.

Oh, come on, come on. Okay.

You despise me, don't you, Rick?

You know, I have many friends in Casablanca, but somehow because you

you're the only one I trust.

Oh, hey, I'm working on a new one.

So nice to see you.

We don't get many visitors in this part of...

Transylvania.

That's great.

That's Boris Karloff, right?

Close enough.

Well, I'm getting really tired.

I think I'd better go to sleep.

Yeah, yeah, right.

Oh, you've had a tough day, huh? I mean, you've been through a lot.

Get some rest.

Mm -hmm.

This is gonna be great.

I mean, we can have fun. We can talk.

You're a real pal.

Good night. Good night, Billy.

I guess it'll work out. I mean, you're right.

It's going to work out. It is going to work.

Of course it will. It's cool.

How the hell will it work?

With cold showers, it'll work.

tell you what a terrific breakfast you made. I love eggs benedict. Oh, I'm

I take pride in my hollandaise.

Hey, and you, I can't believe the way you cleaned up that kitchen.

Well, that's the way I am. Everything has to be spotless. Wait, I know.

You even dusted the bagel.

Better get in there. Oh, okay. Remember, not a word to Archie. Do I look

suicidal?

We have to go over these sales figures.

Oh, what the hell's the matter with them?

Well, according to these figures, either business is better or your arithmetic

is worse.

Listen, I ain't in the mood to talk business right now, you know? I got a

domestic problems on my mind here. Billy, she's driving me nuts.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, I'm sorry I can't get into it with you there, you know?

Because it's a personal, private family matter, and I don't like to discuss them

things with strangers.

I don't blame you.

She left home.

Really?

Gee, smart lawyer. You had to drag it out of me, huh?

Well, all right.

I might as well tell you the whole story. You must know.

We had a little disagreement.

And then voids led to other voids, you know, as voids generally do.

And she packed the bags.

Went out.

And I don't even know where she's staying.

Hey. What?

Did she say anything to you about the place she's staying at?

Yes. Yes, she did.

What?

She told me she had a great breakfast there.

That's all?

I wouldn't worry too much.

Billy's a mature young woman.

What? Red -blooded American male ain't gonna make a move on her.

Oh, there's gotta be one.

No, I really want to thank you for today. For what?

Well, for taking me to the Metropolitan.

I haven't been to a museum since fourth grade.

Oh, Billy, New York has some of the greatest art in the world. I mean, we

the Whitney, the Guggenheim, the Modern.

Not to mention the Subways.

You're such a breath of fresh air.

You know so much about fine wine, art, music.

Hey, we saw the original of this today, right? Right. Yeah, Gauguin.

Gauguin. That's a whole book about him.

Hey,

I like this.

Tahitian woman bathing.

It has a certain mood to it, doesn't it?

Definitely.

This work embodies the primitive sensuality of Gauguin's style.

We are struck first by the eyes, then by the delicate face framed by an

abundance of dark hair.

So true.

The hair leads us from the shoulders down to the girlish curves of the light

young body.

The final curve of the bent right leg returns us to the top of

the painting.

Don't stop.

That's all.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Boy, what a pain.

Where are you going? Oh, I'm going to take a quick shower before dinner.

Harry, how many showers do you take a day?

Hey, it's been a busy day. I mean, walking around the museum and poring

books. All that culture makes me sweat.

You're too young to be out with him. Don't come back.

Don't be looking at me.

Hey, Arch.

You may have a problem in the kitchen.

I won't throw some drain on you. Leave me alone.

It ain't a clogged drain.

Harry, I got problems at home.

Billy ain't back, huh?

Did I mention her?

Let me tell you something. If she wants to leave home and go out and live by

herself, that's her own life.

I ain't the one to interfere.

What is going on out here?

He's looking in the refrigerator.

What is he doing, Raul? I think he's talking to the chickens.

Ah, you who, Mr. Who -Who.

Mind if I ask what the hell you do with your nose in my icebox?

I'm from the Quick Count Inventory Service.

The owner hired me.

Oh, wait a minute there.

I'm the owner, and I didn't hire you.

Well, this was a Gary Rabinowitz.

Gary Rabinowitz?

The owner?

How do you like that?

Let me call this guy. What's his number here? I got his whole phone right here.

How is he doing? Posing as the owner of this place?

Some nerve.

Sending a guy over here.

To count my chickens.

Swinging.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Oh, God, a heavy breather. Listen, if you're a sick man,

my roommate happens to be a lawyer and he knows every cop in town.

These two girls of mine are going to have me on a table with hoses up my

Who is it?

The big one.

She's at Gabby Rabinowitz's apartment.

Now take it easy, Arch.

Gary, dinner's almost ready.

Gary is gone.

He won't be back.

Tonight we'll be dining with Count Dracula.

I just washed my hair, and I can't do a thing with it.

Who is it?

Mr. Creek, in person.

Gary Rabinowitz's apartment.

Well, I knew no good was going to come of all of that touching in the bar.

It's not what you think.

I didn't have any place to stay, and Gary was sweet enough to let me stay

him. Sweet? Don't give me sweet. What the hell are you talking about sweet?

Where the hell is this guy?

Sweet? What are you talking about sweet?

What is sweet about a guy taking advantage, huh?

Trying to reduce a young girl of 18 in the apartment.

You're completely wrong. Gary would never do anything like that. He's not

kind of a guy.

Oh, honey, you don't know nothing. You're so naive.

Don't you know a man and a woman can never be good friends?

Why not?

Because their hormones make them do things.

It really isn't even any of your business, but I'm just telling you once

all that there's nothing funny going on.

Natasha, darling, what did you do with my pants?

As soon as I put them on, I intend to bite your neck.

Oy vey.

Nothing funny, huh?

Well, I certainly think that this is a little funny, you know.

A half -naked guy chasing you around the living room there, screaming at you and

broken you.

Well, I don't know what to say. I mean, you know, my heart is broke.

And by the way, what would your little mama say if she could see this here,

You, running around, looking for your pants.

Trying to bite a young, un -Jewish girl on the neck.

What would she say?

Well, she'd probably say, Gary, Tatala, put your pants on.

I think I will.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

While I got the two of you here in front of me, I want to ask the two of you,

huh?

Am I too late?

Too late for what?

I'm sorry, I'll try to put it a little politer.

Was you doing things?

Gary and I have a very special relationship, and there's nothing sexual

it.

I could go on living here indefinitely, and he would never lay a hand on me.

Right, Gary?

It's a question.

You see, at least he's being honest.

Look, Billy, you have to understand that when you're this close, well,

I'm not a saint.

I mean, underneath this towel, I'm just... Aye, aye, we know what's

the towel.

I didn't realize how difficult it was for you.

I guess I should have been more sensitive to your feelings.

Well, I don't know about his feelings.

My feelings is what you've got to worry about.

All right, all right, I'm satisfied.

I believe the two of you.

As long as you are still unserved.

Get your stuff together and come on home with me.

How can I come home with you watching every move I make?

I can't even take a class without you jumping down my throat.

Take the class.

Take the class.

Live your own life.

Would that be your mother?

No, Bunker. It's just dinner.

Listen, why don't you join us? No, no, no, no. What do you got?

You'll promise your mother? No, no.

The first place, I ain't hungry. Second place, I promised Harry.

Faithfully, I'd come and lock up the place.

Take that off.

What's this? The doctor was here.

Not to worry.

I'll be right back.

Why is he talking Jewish to me?

Don't be giving me that look with them two eyes.

Just wondering if you'll ever let me live my own life.

Yes, yes, I'll let you live your own life. No.

I mean, after all, I ain't your father.

I'm only your poor, soft -eared uncle.

Just admit to me what you was doing here was wrong.

We were not doing wrong.

Oh, come on.

Listen, honey.

This kind of business here, living together and all of that, it looks

And it always will look wrong. I don't care what you people think, you

know.

In this world, the way things look, that's the way

they are.

Oh, you're very...