Original subtitles

Okay, and then what?

So then I told my little boss, if you don't like the way I work, get somebody

else, dumbbell.

Oh, no, Manuel.

What did your boss do then?

Nothing. I told him in Spanish.

You know, it could be worse. I mean, at least your boss don't fire you every

day. You ain't seen my guy.

When it comes to terrible bosses, he's the lightweight champion.

Uh -oh.

Here comes the heavyweight champion.

Hey, you know, I just got a flash, everybody.

I would say that between Jose and Raul, we got three Spanish guys in here.

How'd you know?

Well, because parked at the coib is a purple car with very furry cushions and

plastic Jesus, right?

That's right.

That's my main ride.

Ah, yeah.

How nice to see you. Goodbye forever.

How many times I tell you, you can't be inviting your amigos around.

Manuel was not invited. We asked him to come here.

Back to work. Okay.

Okay, everybody.

El tiempo para hueco.

You hablo hueco?

Si.

You hablo jerko?

She's not my boss.

Adios, senor.

Yeah, yeah, adios.

Oh,

what a hostile guy.

Why should bother you if they ask their friends to drop by?

Harry, we can't have this place turn into a resident dubious for wetbacks.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Gee, how nice. I didn't expect to see you till tomorrow.

I know, but I saw this tie, and I had to bring it right over.

A tie for me? Oh, it's going to look gorgeous when you come to dinner in your

gray suit.

Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute. When I got to wear a tie just to come to

dinner in your apartment?

Well, everybody's looking forward to meeting you.

Uh, uh, what do you mean, everybody?

My mother, my father, my brother.

They want to meet me.

Why would anybody want to meet me?

Look, I gotta run.

I'll be back at one o 'clock. I'm meeting my brother John here. I want you

meet him first, okay?

Yeah, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so long. Hey, geez, it's hard.

So, you're gonna meet her family, huh?

Yeah, well, yeah, no big deal, you know. That's terrific.

Yeah. What's terrific?

Catherine's family's in town to take a look at Archie. I'll be broadcasting to

the world, huh?

To Harry?

They're coming to look you over, huh?

Shut up, Harry.

Hey, what's so funny?

Catherine's family's coming to give Archie the once -over.

Why?

I guess they want to see if he's good enough for their daughter.

Hey, I'm one of you there, Jose.

No, no, don't laugh. Get away. Scooch your head.

Yeah,

now these ones is okay, see?

But don't be buying no more of them bombs from 112th Street.

You gotta understand, everybody in New York has got high blood pressure.

Does he know what I'm saying?

He knows.

Hey, Arch.

Yeah? Gentleman here to see you.

Oh, yeah, hey.

I'll be right out. I'll be right out.

I've got to see a guy out here. Cool it on the Spanish.

Immigración? No, no. This week they're after the chinks.

How are you doing? Glad to see you. You must be John, huh?

That's right. How'd you know?

Well, your sister told me all about you there. How have you been keeping

company, you know, like the last six months?

Hey, Harry, did you give John a drink? Are you sure you're talking about my

sister? Hey, that high, beautiful dark hair and eyes, shapely there, beautiful

smile, personality.

That sounds like my sister, all right.

But she's a Carmelite nun in Kansas City.

going around with no nun. Who the hell are you?

I'm John Calamari.

From Baker, Benton, and Stockford?

The guy's a distributor. Why are you pushing a distributor around?

Harry, can I have a glass of sangria, please?

Uh, Archie. Yeah?

Does a Mr.

Hernandez hit you?

This is my day for border patrol, all right.

Hey, Pancho, have you looked for a kitchen work? I already got two of you

out there.

I'm not looking for a job. I'm here to meet someone.

Well, listen, if you're thinking to do some numbers business, we don't allow

that in here.

No, it's someone I know.

Oh, you know, this again. Here we go, Raul, Jose.

Hey, what do you want, boss?

I told you, no more friends hanging around the bar.

Yeah. Well, tell him.

No more friends hanging around the bar.

Not him.

Him.

No more friends hanging around the bar.

Boss, I've never seen him in my life.

Well, then who is this little man?

John. Cookie.

Baby.

Did you introduce yourself to who? To Archie.

Archie Bunker, this is my brother, John Hernandez.

This is your brother?

This is the guy.

What's the matter?

Nothing. I mean, I just didn't expect a man that looked like... You know, not

from the way you described him. You didn't describe me.

Oh, well, that's what threw me off.

Bunker seemed to think I was running numbers.

Oh, I'm awful sorry about that, see, but I mean, I had to throw a lot of these

numbers runners out of here.

And except for two colored guys, they all look just like you.

I see.

It's been nice meeting you.

Oh, you just got here.

Yeah, I know, but I feel a big headache coming on. Oh, boy.

A big fat one.

I'll get a cab.

Archie, come on, please. Sit down. Yeah.

What is the matter with you?

What are you making another man of my brother for?

I ain't making... Hey, we're getting along good here, I think. Except, well,

know, I just didn't figure him. Your brother was a little Puerto Rican guy,

know what I mean?

Archie, didn't you know I was Puerto Rican?

Well, how the hell was I supposed to know? You never said nothing.

Well, what am I supposed to do? Say, hi, I'm Puerto Rican?

Yeah.

Not so loud.

You certainly keep quiet about me.

Why do I like you?

Because I love somebody.

Oh, John.

Hey, Captain, be reasonable. Look, I know your name is Logan, right?

But I see this other guy comes in here and his name is Hernandez.

It's simple.

Simple. I married a guy named Logan and my brother didn't. Okay?

But I can follow that, but I mean, still, it's, you know... Okay. Cab's

Okay.

Okay. I got to go now.

Gee, you're always going. All right.

See you tomorrow night for dinner, okay? Yeah, tomorrow night. Let's see. Okay.

Yes, yeah.

John, very nice to meet you, and I'm sure we'll be seeing you again right

Hernandez. Hey, my mother had cousin's name on Hernandez.

Hey, mine too.

Hey, boss, you know, if this works out for you, maybe we'll all be related.

He doesn't really mean what he said, John. You have to try to understand him.

Oh, I understand him.

The man's a boob.

Dad, would you talk to John?

Continue, John.

The man's crude.

He got his culture from the back of our cereal box.

You said the same thing about Frank.

I never said Frank was a boob.

Frank was a bum.

You never did like the men she went out with. That's right.

But you did, didn't you, Mom?

No.

But you promised you're going to like this one.

We'll see.

We like Ricardo Garcia.

Aha. One of the most boring human beings I ever met.

Only because he was so quiet.

But he wore beautiful shoes.

He was a snore.

What do you talk about with a man who manufactures hamster wheels?

His bank account.

Pet products are a million -dollar business.

Dad, you only liked him because he was Puerto Rican.

Ricardo? He was Puerto Rican?

I never even noticed.

Okay, there he is.

Be nice.

Nice? I am always nice.

Hi. Hi, Catherine.

Hi, yeah.

Not in front of the old folks, though.

Everybody,

this is Archie Bunker.

Yeah, good evening, everybody. There is you people saying your own language,

Buenos Aires.

And Archie, these are my parents, Rita and James Hernandez.

Oh, hey, Rita and James. I just took American names. That's a step forward.

Don't get up.

There's nobody.

I mean, I know how you people like to sprawl around towards the end of the

You obviously like to eat.

Oh, yeah, sure, wouldn't we, guys?

You know John?

Oh, yeah, sure, I know. Hey, John, how's the headache?

Coming back.

You ought to see one of them chiropractologists.

I'll get dinner, okay?

Why don't you relax, take it easy, and you don't have to talk too much, okay?

Oh, yeah, okay.

Yeah, sure.

Sit down, Mr. Bunker.

Oh, yes, I will right away, but first I gotta show you this gift I brung us

here. See this here? This is tequila there.

Bunker, for your information, tequila is a Mexican drink.

Oh, well, Puerto Rico, you know, Mexico, it's all the same except for the fence

in the middle, huh?

Dinner's ready.

I lost my appetite.

You know, Captain, that's what I love about the Spanish people. You know, all

the speedy chatter going on.

Everybody dig in. Can I help with something here?

Yeah. Oh, take that. This looks terrific here.

I'll take a quick taste of it, huh, Captain?

Delicious.

Gee, that's delicious, you know that?

This might be the most delicious foreign food that I ever ate.

What do you call this here, Ma?

Steak.

Steak?

You've got to be kidding.

What do you think of that?

Steak. That proves what I always say.

No matter where you go around the world, the most intelligent people, they

always know.

to write things to these.

How would you know, Bunker?

Oh, you might not know by looking at me, but I'm one of them people, too. I know

what's the best. Now, for instance, I was looking at your suit there, you

That's a beautiful suit.

Cost a lot of dough, I can tell, eh?

What do you work at, Bunker?

I... I used to work in a bank. I'm retired now.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

A bank?

You ought to be very proud of your father working in the bank.

Hey, let me ask you something here.

When you retire from that job, do they let you keep your uniform?

Vice presidents don't have uniforms.

Oh, oh, hey, pardon me, vice president. Ah, come on, it must have been in Puerto

Rico, though, huh?

Broad Street, Philadelphia.

You're absolutely obtuse.

Yes, indeed. I read everything I can get my hands on.

Archie, why don't you eat something, okay?

We're having a nice conversation. If I eat, I can't talk.

I know.

You seem to know a lot about our people, Mr. Bunker. Oh, yeah. Hey, I see Puerto

Ricans all the time. I know them very well.

They're some of my best friends, you know. They're Puerto Rican, or what

call in a Puerto Rican condition.

Really? Yes.

In fact, I just come from two of them, you know. Very good friends of mine.

Well, I mean, you know them, John, Raul, and Jose.

You mean friends. Those guys are your kitchen help.

Well, that's true, but I think a lot of them guys, I give them their start here

in this country, you know. You know, Mark, they're illegal, see.

But I treat them just like they deserve to live.

Excuse me.

Archie, why are you saying these things? Listen, I forgot to tell you. I own

this bar and restaurant, see? Do pretty well myself. It's over there in Astoria.

And anybody can go in there and enjoy himself.

I mean, all colors, all races. Hey, well, John was in there.

I'm sorry, I can't listen to any more of this. John, please. I'm sorry.

But the man is an idiot.

Does it sound like he called me an idiot, huh? He did.

People can't control the way they were born, Mr. Bunker.

But you, Catherine, you can't control who you go out with.

This gringo is the most ignorant man I've ever met.

Hey, hey, I mean, uh...

What the hell is the matter here?

Bunker, we didn't come all the way from Philadelphia to be insulted.

Hey, I never knocked Philadelphia.

Can you do something about this?

I can't, dear. Why not?

Because I don't like him either, dear.

What did she say?

She said, I don't like him either, dear.

This is not going to work. This is just not going to work.

Why don't we end the evening before it gets any worse? Oh, well, wait a minute.

I think this evening could still be saved here. You know, it's only a

of attitude.

Archie, Archie, will you please go home?

I'll call you later, okay?

Okay, okay.

Yeah, I mean, I don't want to hang around no place that I ain't wanted.

Tell you that.

I'll tell you something else.

My feelings is a little hype, Catherine.

And I ain't gonna want to come and visit your family no more.

You know something, Bunker?

What's that, John?

You're the best argument I know for Puerto Rican independence.

Well, it's too late to apologize now, John.

Now, you didn't say anything to upset them. I told you nothing, nothing.

It was at my politest, dear. All I was trying to do was to build them people

I get the picture.

Well, the picture was this.

You simply can't win with them people.

I'll get that.

What if Catherine heard that?

She ain't gonna hear it. I'd only say it behind the back.

It's acting just like the movie.

What do you mean by that?

Don't answer.

It might be a gang wanting to rumble.

Will you keep your mind off them rotten movies?

Oh, hi there, Captain.

You didn't bring nobody, will you? No, I just drove them to the station. Oh,

that's swell. Hey, come on in. Come on.

Now, careful. I got the girls with me here.

Hi, Billy.

Hi, Stephanie.

Hi. Girls, say hello to Captain here.

We did.

Archie, I want to talk to you.

alone. Oh, yeah, uh, you could leave, uh, girls, huh?

You take your coat, huh?

Stabby, hurry up, please, sir.

And, uh, uh, be sure and, uh, close your bedroom door up there, huh, dear?

I know where you come over.

Why did I come over?

Listen, you don't have to say you're sorry. You got nothing to be sorry for.

didn't do nothing.

It's your family. They ought to be here to apologize.

And I certainly do hope they're sorry for what they've done.

No, they're not sorry.

How could you speak to them like that?

You were outrageous.

Me outrageous?

Yes. Saying we sprawl around at the end of the day, that we don't work.

How could you say such things?

Geez, I ain't the only one that says them things. I've been hearing them

ever since I was this height.

Hey, you ought to be talking to your old man there.

Him looking down his nose at me because he happens to work in a bank.

And what about calling me a gringo? Hey, there's a racial shot if I ever heard

one. It's just as bad as you are, but that is not the point.

But what is the point?

You gotta change.

I gotta...

I don't know what the hell you're talking about. I gotta change how?

You gotta walk out that door every day, and you gotta really look at all the

people you meet in the street, no matter who the hell they are, and you gotta

say they are just as good as you are.

You gotta be kidding.

You want me to walk out that door and go up to everybody I see in the street and

say, Hey, you're as good as me. You're as good as me. Hey, you too, buddy.

You're as good as me. Come on. What are you talking about? That's the craziest

thing I ever heard.

Maybe guys like you got to do crazy things like that.

For what?

For me.

Because I care for you and I want to be with you, but I can't be with you the

way you are.

Oh, no, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Don't be running away. Put your stuff down here.

Don't let's get into this thing.

We got such a good thing going. I don't want to spoil nothing.

Well, I don't want to spoil nothing either.

Well, I mean, whatever you want me to do, I don't know what the hell it is. I

mean, I can try.

That's all I ask.

That's all I ask.

Well, uh... Well, I mean, maybe I could start with

one portion at a time, you know, but don't hit me with a whole family.

And I certainly ain't gonna do that out in the streets.

What are you doing, crying or laughing?

I just had the silliest thought.

Why?

It was too silly.

Well, tell me what.

This whole thing reminds me of Wes, that story.

You know?

Oh, you mean that movie there?

Oh, hey, one of the most beautiful pictures I've ever seen. What a love

Hey, hey, hey, that reminds me.

You want to rumble, huh?

I'm going for some tits.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, that's right.

You know something?

There'd be a lot more love if it wasn't for families.