Original subtitles

Come on, let's get this seafood right on the ice in there, huh?

Come on, come on, come on. Why couldn't we have done this in a decent hour?

Because the early bird catches the fish, as the hooker says to the ad.

Now, come on.

Come on, and beside, that guy Ganzoni sells all his best oysters fast.

When we got there, Ganzoni was still in the shower.

Well, don't you want to buy your oysters from a clean digger?

Let's go and... What was that?

Sounded like a cut from the storeroom, boss.

Maybe it's a burglar.

Let's get the hell out of here.

No. Show a little guts, will you?

Come on, follow me and keep your verses down.

I'll call the police.

Forget the police. Please, by the time they get over here, the crooks will be

Newark. Let's wait.

Cops will know what to do. So do I.

Maybe the guy back there's got a gun, too.

I know that.

Now, Jose, move out ahead of me a few paces.

Why do I have to go in first?

To flush him out so I can get a clean shot at him.

Why me?

Because I'm a minority?

Oh, son, don't you never be ashamed of that.

Let me tell you something.

The president's going to give all you guys the honor of being the first ones

get parachuted into Russia.

Come on.

Just push open the door and yell Geronimo, then step aside.

President, it's safe to come in now.

You ran over here?

I'm the only one. I counted.

Oh, some mess, huh?

Very professional. They left the gent exactly as I did.

Hey, is this your sock?

What are you talking about? No foot of mine would be caught dead in a sock like

that.

It's more than one of yours.

I'm wearing both of mine.

And this is an enemy sock.

How can you tell?

Do I have to explain everything to you? Any clear?

The crook broke in here.

He heard us coming.

He whipped off his sock and then escaped.

You mean somebody broke in here just to leave a sock?

Please don't ask me to explain a criminal mind to some New York.

Crazo. With a possible peg length.

Freeze, scum!

Hold it! Hold it! Geez, don't shoot me!

All right, drop it.

Oh,

yeah, yeah.

Now, now, now, wait a minute. Now, this ain't what it looks like. Come on, come

on, up against the wall. Okay, okay, Jose, get over there.

Jose.

Hey, I think we got the Ramirez brothers here.

Hey, I ain't really... to know our mere asses. And I certainly ain't, son.

Freeze! No, shoot, no. I'm Harry Snowden. I called you guys.

This here's Archie Bunker. I'm management.

This is Jose Perez.

I'm labor.

Well, where's the burglary in progress?

Well, what do you call us?

Call the police every time you find a sock?

You don't get it. Oh, so look.

We come in early, see, we're outside, we hear noises in here.

I grab my piece, we bust in, a crook gets scared, he leaves.

You got a permit for that piece?

Certainly I got a permit. I was more like qualified with that piece.

I'm a veteran of WW2.

Oh, that's swell, Pop.

Well, if there was a burglar, my guess would be that he used a sock over his

hand to cover fingerprints.

Well, that's what I thought.

There's no sign of forced entry, but these locks are pretty crummy.

What are you talking about, crummy? Them is beautiful locks.

Listen, we got some literature on security systems out in the car.

No, we don't, Jim.

When them kids stripped our car last week, they got all the literature, too.

Oh, yeah.

Well, let's bring some by later. Hey, come by for lunch on the house.

Oh, thanks.

Real nice of you guys.

Yeah, yeah, pleasure.

Meanwhile, you should consider getting new locks here.

Well, geez, that was very sweet of you.

Go for the cops' lunch.

Well, I figure you wouldn't mind.

Why should I mind? It's coming out of your bay.

These iron bars keep the crooks out. You put them on all the doors and windows.

They're very decorative, too.

Oh, yeah, Harry. Bars are so beautiful, eh?

If we put them things on, we'd be the most decorous saloon this side of Sing

Sing. How about this alarm here?

Somebody tries to break in, lights start flashing, bells start ringing.

Well, the burglar thinks he just won a Toyota.

Why are you so against this stuff?

Listen, you could drive yourself crazy with all these alarms and bars and

Now, what are you doing? All you're doing is telling the burglar that

something of value in there.

You're right.

You wouldn't want to do something dishonest.

You want to come in here one morning and find all the booze gone?

I'm insured.

The color TV?

I'm insured.

How about your autographed picture of Sammy Davis Jr.?

Poor...

$400?

That's for the locks.

You're charging me $400 on top of the $12 an hour I'm paying you? I don't make

$12 an hour.

Well, thank God for that. I make $36.

That's including overtime.

You don't need to tell me you're charging me overtime.

I didn't want to do it.

I'm not a night person.

You know, a burglar would rob me too, but at least he wouldn't build me for no

wobbit time.

All the locks have changed.

And here are the keys.

All right, you're done. Stop your clock and go on home.

Can I have my tools?

Yeah, go on, get your tools. Go ahead, go ahead.

Hurry up, will you? Get home to your wife.

She left me.

Why the hell didn't you lock her in?

That is that.

Good

morning,

Arch.

Hey, do you know why the back door was unlocked?

Now, why?

No, I mean, did you lock it last night?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, certainly.

I locked it before I left.

Well, I just had to go in there and lock it again.

And look what I found in the orphan.

Fried chicken.

Now, what kind of a crook would bring a bucket of fried chicken into a

restaurant?

A colored crook.

A colored crook with a peg leg who wipes his fingers on his extra side.

Did he take anything?

No.

Well, did he take anything yesterday morning?

No. Well, maybe this intruder isn't a crook. Maybe he came in for some other

purpose.

Yeah, yeah. Like, uh, to go to the camp.

Might be some poor bum who was looking for a place to sleep.

It's awfully cold outside these days.

If Mr. Van Auer is right, this guy might try to break in again.

What we need is a security system.

Harry, I ain't gonna spend five or six thousand dollars on no security system.

Anyway, this place has already got protection.

Yeah? What?

You. Me?

Yes, Jose, you. You are volunteering to come back here tonight and guard these

premises.

Hey, boss. Hey, when we close up here, all I want to do is go home to my family

and wait in line to brush my teeth.

Don't argue with me, Saeed.

I ain't asking this for my own security. It's for your security, too. I've got

plenty of security.

Because you work for me. That's right.

That could change.

I volunteer.

or a referral service, speak to a lawyer now for free.

Freeze, scum!

I'm freezing.

Raul?

Jose?

What are you doing here?

I'm getting ready to sleep.

You mean you're the one that's been breaking in here?

I've not been breaking in nowhere.

I hide behind box to let everybody go.

Well, what are you doing sleeping on the floor?

I know I should be at home on my own floor. But Belenlo, he raised that ant.

He just doubled it last month.

But now he say the honeymoon is over.

He tripled that ant?

Too many people.

You just moved three uncles out last week. I don't believe it. And you're

my three lonely ants.

Raul, why didn't you tell me you needed a place to stay?

Because you got no more floor left.

Well, no worry, huh? Because me and family, we find place and we move in

tomorrow. So I stay here just one more night, okay?

I can't let you do that, Raul.

You kick me up?

Out. Yeah, up and out. I thought you were a friend.

What do you mean, friend?

Amigo.

I know what friend means.

Then how come you kicked me out, huh?

You promise tomorrow you'll find a new place to stay? Yeah, it's pretty new.

we have choice of apartment.

How you get that?

The building was abandoned last week.

Okay, look.

I cover for you, but just for tonight.

Because if the boss find out...

Hey, Raul.

I'm going to make some breakfast before you leave.

You want some eggs?

Yes, I want them.

Okay, how you want them?

I want them, please.

No, no, I mean scrambled, boiled, fried.

Oh, oh, sunny side in.

Huh?

How's that?

Thank God you're alive and breathing.

Uh, boss, what are you doing in so early?

Jose, I had the most terrible dream that woke me up there.

You was dead.

Lying here in a pool of your own blood.

I had to run down here and make sure it wasn't true.

Uh, why didn't you phone, boss?

I was scared you wouldn't answer.

Listen, listen, I know it was just a dream, but God, was it real?

Why don't you go home and get some sleep, boss?

Well, as long as I'm here, I might as well start work.

You know what I think I'd do? I think I'd check the new lock on the alley

Oh, no, no, Mr. Bunker, don't go in the storeroom yet.

Why not?

Why don't we have a talk? You know, you and me ain't talked in a long, long

time.

We ain't never talked.

See? That's too long.

What was that sound?

It must have been the wind passing.

Passing wind don't sound like that.

I'll check this out.

Jose! Jose.

What the hell is that?

That's a sleeping bag, boss.

I know that. Who was sleeping in it?

I was, boss. Why do you ask?

Oh, no.

That ain't true.

Of course, you didn't go out that door there.

And looky here, the coffee cups, huh?

I was drinking coffee, boss.

Out of two cups.

I needed a lot of coffee to stay awake to guard this place.

What do you mean stay awake? You said you was asleep.

I was. That's why I needed all the coffee.

Jose, I don't believe that.

You know what I think? I think that you was making cucarachas

in the bag there with some little Chiquita banana.

Jose, I could lose my license over this here.

I won't tell anybody.

And I promise I'll never do it again.

But youse people are always doing this.

Youse Latin times just can't control yourselves.

I wouldn't do it here.

You're telling me.

You ain't gonna do nothing here except leave.

Huh? That's right. I think I'm gonna have to fire you.

What for?

For sex!

I can't believe he did that.

He admitted he'd done it. And when he said he'd never do it again, the look on

his face told me that he could hardly waste to do it again.

Oh, here comes the other guy. Wait a minute, wait a minute there. What's your

name? Raul, I want to talk to you. You want?

Well, I want to try. Listen, I am going to kick you upstairs.

You don't understand.

I'm going to make you the second cook.

Why?

Why? Because I fired Jose.

Why'd you fire Jose?

Because Jose, with his sleeping bag there, and a friend, they were staring

Look at this. If you don't understand English, how is he ever going to

understand what two people was doing in the sleeping bag?

No, I can't do Jose's job.

Why not? You can learn.

No, I have to tell you the truth.

I was sleeping here last night.

You mean you and Jose was in the bed with the girl?

That's sick.

No, there was no girl.

Without a girl, that's ten times worse.

Wait a minute. Would you just let him explain, Archie?

Raul, why was you and Jose sleeping in the back?

No, not Jose.

Just me. My family lose apartment this week.

So I lived here the last three nights.

Then it was your chicken and your sock?

You found my sock?

Listen, why did Jose tell me that he was Shaco Opo in the back

of it?

I'm not telling you the truth because he's my real good friend.

You see that? You can't fire Jose over this.

Jose!

Hi, fellas. I just came to pick up some things I left in the kitchen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come here. I want to ask you something there.

Did you tell me that story back there in the storeroom to protect this man?

You could say that.

Oh, well, now I understand.

He lied to protect the proud.

That's right.

Yeah. It was the other guy that done wrong.

Yeah. Yeah, and then the other guy is fired.

And this guy is fired.

They are both fired. Huh?

Oh, come on, Arch. The guy just needed a place to sleep. Why didn't the guy ask

me? Then you would have let him?

No.

That's against the law. It's against the building codes.

Not to mention the fact that they cost me a lot of money laying in new locks

over this check. Not to mention a horrible nightmare I had about a

colored guy creeping in here and doing moises.

It's wild stories like that that give the Cullens a bad name.

Archie, I think you're going to have to reconsider this.

I ain't going to reconsider nothing. No, no, they're fired. They stay fired. You

think if you fire these two guys, we're going to find two others just like that?

Listen to me, Archie. I spent a year training these guys.

And Jose has become a damn good second chef. You fire them, I'm taking my apron

on the road.

Just look at them.

Do you mean to say that you would threaten me to quit over a thing like

Gee, Archie, you understand English almost as good as Raul.

Thank you very much for standing behind a fellow American.

Get out of the way.

Now, I was just trying to teach you two guys a lesson.

A lesson?

No talk, Raul. Don't bless our luck.

What lesson?

What lesson? The lesson is this.

That these guys are going to go on living in this glorious U .S. of A. here

without no green cards.

They got to start living by the principles that Abraham E. Lincoln

fought and died for.

Truth.

Justice. In the American way.

I think that was Superman.

Another great American.

And also an alien.

Thank you, Mr. Vonka. I will forget this the rest of my life.

You're right, boss. I learned my lesson. Good, good.

What lesson do you think he meant?

I think he meant no sex.

He's got your way. He's got your way. And there they go. They're here.

But how can I be sure that a thing like this ain't gonna happen no more?

Why don't you ask the politicians, huh?

What the hell do you mean by that?

When are these people gonna find cheap, decent housing?

Huh? When?

When are you gonna stop hitting me with bingo propaganda the first thing in the

morning?

And why are the two of you just standing around here?

Am I the only one that doesn't even work in this joint?