Original subtitles

Hey, hey, that ain't like you, leaving half a lunch there.

People can get along with a lot less food.

I gotta get back to school. Could you sign this for me, please?

Yeah, sure.

What is this?

It's just a consent form.

Yeah? What am I consenting to?

Nothing is for me.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. The last time I signed one of these things,

remember? I wound up on my behind in a skating rink, looking up at a hundred

rotten little kids laughing at me?

We're the school baseball team. Oh, what are you, a cheerleader or something?

Nope, a right fielder.

A what?

A right fielder.

Girls can try after the team now.

Are you listening to this, girls on the baseball squad?

That's part of your ERA there, Arch.

You see the way the school's just falling apart nowadays? Girls playing

baseball, but no prayers in the classroom.

I pray in temple.

Girls ain't supposed to be playing boy sports.

Oh, come on. Why can't she play baseball?

It ain't so much the playing of the baseball. It's the playing around.

It's what goes on in the locker rooms after the game.

What? What?

I don't understand you.

Males and females looking at each other. The Lord never intended that.

Geez, when I was in school, school, I couldn't wait to get into the locker

There was this short stop.

Josh, Josh, Josh, will you please have fun with the child?

The girls have their own locker room.

Listen, I think it's terrific that more girls are going out for sports these

days. It develops their confidence.

I'll tell you what it develops.

Did you ever hear of muscles in the wrong place?

Like between your ears?

I made big muscles in the arms and the legs.

Yeah, like the Russian lady shot putters. Don't like a Mack truck.

Yeah, but they're wider in the axle.

You know something? You want to develop confidence in girls, I'll tell you what

to do. You put them in pretty dresses, you tell them they're beautiful, and

that's it.

I want to play baseball.

No, kiddo. I'm sorry. I can't go for that.

Oh, come on. Why can't she play ball?

When we use women lying, it's a documentary fact.

And women ain't supposed to compete with men.

You are such a chauvinist.

Oh, God, how I hate that word.

My daughter was forever calling me that.

Said my poor wife, rest her soul, almost believed in it. Listen, the next time

that wonderful woman, Philly Shoefly, is on the TV, I'm going to have you watch

her.

My girlfriends are trying out for the team, so why can't I?

Because I said so. And case closed.

Here it comes, Stephanie. Catch it.

Oh, I got it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's going on out here?

Hey, come on. Stop. Stop that. I'm coming out.

What do you stinkers are doing here?

Kambi's helping me practice.

Come on, come on, come on. Give me your ball. He ain't supposed to be playing

hardball in a little yard like this. It's dangerous.

And she ain't supposed to be playing because she ain't getting on that

team. We're just having a little fun and exercise.

Care to join us? No, no.

Hey, I'd sooner go in and watch the president play football.

All right, Stephanie, here it comes.

Uh -oh, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.

I take it you can do better.

Are you kidding?

You're looking at the only 300 hitter on the 1940 Brian High varsity. Really,

Uncle Archie?

Do I ever lie?

Give me the ball. Let me show you something.

All right, get ready for this, huh?

Ready? Here we go.

Strike one.

Give me the ball again. I just didn't want to take a full swing.

Knock the ball into the traffic over there by Northern Boulevard.

Okay, I'll lay down a button. Go. There you go.

Hey, hey, hey, don't chase a bull like that. You ain't chasing a kitty cat.

But I can catch it. When you can't catch it, always block it. Block it. Block

it. Let me see what you're using here.

See, you were left -handed. That meant it was for a variety. Where'd you find

that old hunk of junk?

From your trunk down in the cellar.

Oh, well.

That's because it's been down there many years without air, you know.

Here, take it. I'll tell you what we do. I'll try you out on your pitching.

Here's the ball.

I'll go over here and I'll catch you.

And you pitch him in, see?

Get down like this. Now put the ball right in there. Right in there.

There you go.

Are you all right?

The ball took a bad hop.

I should have been wearing the mitt when I was doing that. Maybe you should take

it easy. It's been a long time. No, no, no. That's okay.

Hey, hey. Tell you what.

I'll give you some practice catching pop flies, okay? Have you got enough room?

Sure. I hit them straight up in the air and they come right down in the yard.

Hey, I used to be able to do this all day long.

You ready now?

Here we go.

You better go get your ball.

Me? You hit it.

Oh, goody outfield. The outfielder's always supposed to chase the ball there.

It sounded like somebody's window. Definitely sounded like somebody's

Yeah, it sounded like somebody's window.

Ah, well, don't worry too much. Of course, the party probably ain't home,

know. What kind of a lunatic would play hardball in the midst of a residential

neighborhood? Oh, gee, Barney, it's good it was you. Here, give me the ball.

Hey. You ain't doing anything. You want to stay and play with us?

Never mind all that. Your ball busted my window and you're going to pay for it.

All right, I'll pay, I'll pay.

Why are you playing with the kid anyway?

I thought you were against baseball with girls.

Well, I changed my mind.

You mean you're going to let me try after the team?

Yeah, why not?

I'll be right back with the consent form before you change your mind again.

Good for you, Archie. You really made her happy. Oh, that's swell, swell,

Fold it up, huh?

Only a trick.

Huh?

I seen the kid play. She ain't no goods.

So why should I stop her, you know? She'll go try out for the team, they'll

her down, and then I'm off of the hook.

A little reverse psychology, huh? Hey.

That's pretty smart.

Hey.

Here it is.

Yeah, okay. Here, you hold the ball.

And I'll sign the consent form, see, allowing you to play ball.

There we go.

Now. Thanks, Uncle Archie. Now can we practice some more? Hey, I'll tell you

what you do.

Watch Barney and me play a little catch here, huh? You take the mitt, Barney.

And I'll pitch to you. Why can't I pitch?

Of course I'll pitch. Well, how come you'll get the pitch?

Of course, it's my ball.

A little later, Mrs. Camby, after we work out here.

All right, but don't overexert yourself.

Oh, don't worry about it. Fine.

Watch this, Seth.

There you go, fine. You ready? I didn't see it in there. Hey, you're looking

good, Arch.

Ain't this fun, Stephanie?

Come on, then. Maybe you'll learn something.

Oh, I think I could maybe go nine innings again.

I think you could.

Oh, gee.

Oh, I hear pain.

Well, it's just a little soreness right here, Mr. Van Arkham. Yesterday in the

garden, I was out there doing some planting.

Hey, Ark, give me a hand with this, will you? What do you want?

I ran your old health permit.

This year they want to put up there where everybody can see it. Yeah, you

I'll hammer. Stick it up there. We'll take a look and see what it looks like.

Oh! Oh!

What's the matter?

I can't put my right elbow.

Well, use the other one.

Oh, it's almost this bad.

Can't we just put it down here?

I hear agony.

What's with you two?

Oh, Arch coerced me into playing baseball yesterday.

I used muscles I retired 30 years ago.

You play baseball?

Yeah, you know, we had to try to whip the kid in shape.

Hey, you gonna let her join the team?

Hold it.

Hold it with you. She ain't gonna get on that team. Don't be jumping to

contusions, huh?

Never put the horse in front of the card.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Stephanie.

Now, listen, we know you didn't make the team. I'm awful glad you're not crying.

I'm going to take you to the movies.

But I did make the team.

Well, that's great.

And I'm the only girl who made it. And I'll be practicing every day after

and all day Saturday.

Congratulations.

Well, well, very, very good.

And I owe it all to you.

Honey, don't say that. No, you've done this all by yourself.

Hey, Steffi, come on in the kitchen. I'll fix you a chocolate milk.

Okay. Go in there.

What the hell went wrong?

Hey.

Saturday. Remember your day off?

Have I got something to show you in the Queen's shopping news.

Isn't that the most exciting thing you've ever seen?

30 % off weekend lingerie sale.

I'm glad I received that news sitting down.

The bottom of the page.

Oh, yeah. Oh, geez. Look at this. Dick Marsh Junior High's team goes co -ed.

And there's the kid in her uniform.

Come on. I know you're more excited than that. But you've been to practice every

day this week.

I wanted to be there to keep an eye on her, you know, so she wouldn't hurt

herself. Come on, admit it. You're proud of her. Well, I gotta admit she ain't

as bad as I thought she was gonna be.

And she's at least as good as some of them there. Well, if it isn't the

celebrity. Yeah, celebrity is right.

Look what's in the paper.

My picture in the Queen's shopping...

read this. I'll cut it out for you, for your scrapbook. Thanks, Mr. Canby. I'll

see you.

Yeah.

Wait a minute. Hey, didn't you see what I brought you here?

Hey, wait a minute. Hey, look at this.

A Reggie Jackson glove. Yeah, and it's a lefty, too, just for you.

You can't play the game right unless you get the right equipment.

Huh?

Thanks, Uncle Archie.

Best right fielder ever.

Oh, that's the way to talk.

Yeah. Hey, keep playing the game hard, you know, and get in all the practice

can. Who knows? Someday you could be another Babe Deidre.

I ain't that nice. Here, read that last part there again.

Are yous all listening over there?

Yeah.

Couch green.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

What the hell?

Coach Green added that Miss Mills shows remarkable agility.

Well, agility, that ain't a word. What it means is ability.

Which I knew the minute I started the coaching team.

As well as a thorough understanding of the game.

Sure, why not? I'd give her all the practice I knew.

So, Archie, when are you going to start your strut? When I get over my boss.

Look, here. Hey, Stephanie gets quoted here.

When asked how it feels to be the first female player selected in the history of

the Astoria Hawks baseball team, Miss Mills replied, neat.

I see you taught her how to handle the press.

That kid talks with her best.

When's your first game, Arch?

Next Wednesday, 3 p .m. there.

And I want you to come along with me, Mr. Banner. I'll give you a play -by

-play. Good, I'd like that.

Here comes the star out. Hey,

hey,

hey, hey, hey. Watch with the face there.

You been crying or something?

Coach Green made another cut, and I'm off the team.

He cut you from the team?

He can't do that.

That's up for your new miss.

Well, wait a minute, wait a minute. Did he cut the runt and the fatso, too?

No.

You mean you're the only one he cut from the team?

I'm sorry, Uncle Archie.

You're sorry? You ain't gonna be sorry about.

You ain't done nothing wrong.

It's that coach who's gonna be sorry.

He's the guy that done something wrong.

I know how to handle this.

There's no use trying to stop me.

I know the story of a root. Of a toast grain?

That's my name. Ask me again, I'll tell you the same.

Uh, where are you? I'm over here. Where are you?

I'm over here. Where are you? You better stay where you are or I'll come and

find you. Ah, there you are.

Hey, well, your kid's on the team this year. That's nice when the parents come

out and root their kids on. What's your boy's name, huh?

Stephanie.

Oh, yeah.

These kids sure can't be pigs, can't they? Oh, my little Stephanie ain't no

Oh, no, no, no, no. The kid's on the team.

Well, that's what I come to ask you there.

Why ain't she on the team?

Well, look, Mr. Mills.

Well, Bunker, Archie Bunker.

Well, look, Mr. Bunker, you see, being a coach is not your easiest job in the

world. You know what I mean? Yeah, well, yeah, I know all that. But, I mean, I

just wanted to... Oh,

that's okay. You didn't hurt it.

I just wanted to find out why you cut her off. And tell me, just give me one

good reason.

Well, look, Archie, you mind if I call you Archie? I mean, you seem like a

regular guy.

Look, Archie.

You know, you know, and I know that girls are not cut out for baseball, huh?

mean, they're more for dancing and cheerleading, that kind of stuff. I

don't want your Stephanie breaking out muscles in all the wrong places, do you?

Now, you know and I know that out there is a lot of hooey.

You want her suiting up here in the locker room with all of these guys, huh?

We both know that that's a lot of hooey, too, because she's got separate

dressing faculties in here.

Okay, then this whole thing just boils down to this.

Girls cannot compete with boys. That is a known proven fact of life.

Yeah, I know that, but listen.

I've been out watching that kid Prattinson out there.

She's as good as any of the other kids out there. She's better than that runt

with the big ears. Why don't you cut him?

Because he's a hustler. The kid just needs to grow, that's all.

Yeah, well, there's another one there that grow too much. Who?

El Blimpo.

Which one's that?

You know, stupid -looking, fat, roly -poly kids, always standing there,

his face, hunks of jelly rolls dripping off his chin there.

He's standing there boiping while the baseballs roll past him.

Why don't you cut him?

Because he's my son.

Oh, I see. I think we're through talking.

Well, you know what I think?

I think you never wanted her on the team in the first place.

Bunker, would you want her on the team if you were the coach?

But then why did you have to lead her on that way? I mean, all that junk in the

paper. Look, Bunker, I was getting a lot of pressure to let a girl try out for

the team. So, okay, I let her make the first cut. She gets a picture in the

paper. We get the publicity. I get off the hook. Everybody is happy, right?

Oh, yeah.

Everybody is happy.

Except Stephanie. Her heart is broken.

Bunker, what would you rather have me do?

Let her come out and practice every day, then sit her on the bench all season

and never let her play?

See, nobody's thinking about a little girl's feelings.

How the hell I'm not? I love those kids. I'm a coach and I'm a teacher.

Well, you know what else you want?

What?

You want me to tell you?

Yeah. Yeah.

You are a showbiz.

I've been hearing that kind of talk for years from people like you. Oh, Jesus.

I'm going to tell you what you are. You're one of them bleeding hot

Uncle Archie, what happened?

What happened is I just had a conversation with a very dumb guy.

I take it you didn't change his mind.

How could I change it? I couldn't find it.

Did he at least say why he cut me off from the team?

Yeah, he said why.

It's because you happened to be born a girl.

But I was just as good as some of the boys.

Oh, I know that. I know that.

Certainly he was just as good. Hey, he was better than a lot of them there.

I want to tell you something.

This should be a lesson to you.

This here is a man's world, huh?

And most of the men in it, they ain't like me.

They don't want girls to have no fun or do nothing. 99 % of them, they ain't

even worth the time of day.

And that's why, when the time comes, I got to be so careful picking one out for

you.

Right, Mrs. Campbell?

Certainly, I'm right.

Stephanie, if you want to play baseball, practice until you're better than the

boys. Then they'll have to let you play.

Yes, that's right.

Why can't a girl play anything the boys can play?

You know, the Little League tryouts are coming up, and I'm going to be there.

Oh, well, I think you ought to forget about Little League, you know.

Too good for girls.

Tell you what, though. Come on, let's you and me go out in the backyard and we

can play, huh?

Come on, let's go.

Hey, we don't need the school team. We don't need the little league.

All we need is you and me and the bat and the ball. Give me the bat and the

ball. Now, no out -of -the -park home runs this time. Don't worry about

Mr. Camion. Keep the ball well away from all them houses over there. I'm going

to hit it over in this direction.

Okay? Fade over there and get it.

This can't be right through our kitchen window.

Playing ball again, Arch?

What are you thinking about, Barney? I busted my own window over here.

Oh, yeah?

Well, try to explain that to Rusty over here.