Original subtitles

Oh, it's terrific. Now, I'm telling you, you're a shoo -in. That's right. She's

going to be the star of the chorus.

I have to get in the chorus first.

And that's right.

Don't worry. She's going to get in. Gee, you got another Barbra Streisand there.

Come on, Uncle Archie. Listen, Swell, you better get back to school. Now, when

you sing with the other kids, don't forget, do it sweet and softly.

No, no, no. That ain't right at all. You got to belt it out there, kiddo.

See, what they want in a school chorus is a lot of noise.

Okay.

What did you tell it that for?

Because I'm right. Gee, did you ever hear what a normal public would cry?

I know what I'm talking about there. Big booming voices.

That's what they need in choruses.

I didn't make the chorus.

Huh? Miss Springer said my voice was too brassy and loud.

Who was Miss Springer?

The music teacher.

The woman is a dupe.

She said my voice wouldn't blend with the others.

Oh, what is she talking about? Your voice ain't supposed to blend with

else's. You got a great voice there.

The way you sing, you make all them other little girls sound like strangled

ducks.

This teacher don't know nothing about music.

She sang opera for 15 years.

That proves my point.

Because opera stinks.

I know what I'm going to do.

I'm going to go over to that school.

I'm going to see that woman before she leaves for the day, and I'm going to

straighten her right out.

No, Uncle Archie. I don't think that's a good idea. Oh, well, I'm going. I know

you're going, but will you take my advice?

Don't be angry and yell.

Use a little...

What'd you think I was going to do, put her in the behind?

Certainly I'm going to use Charm there.

Let me tell you something.

Charm used to be my middle name before the war.

Yes!

Anytime I want, I can turn myself into a regular Wayne Newton.

I didn't interrupt you that way, you know, but I couldn't tell you how

your singing was until you stopped singing.

Oh, well?

Well, I said to myself, that woman in there must have sang in the opera.

You could tell.

Oh, I sure I could tell. However,

I gotta say this.

You know, unlike a lot of women who sing in the opera, you have kept your figure

pretty slender.

Oh, boy, I seen enough one time, you know. It was a disgrace.

That woman there, that big fat dame, you know, she had to be carried off the

stage by four colored soldiers.

I tried to keep my shape.

Who are you?

I'm Archie Bunker.

Uh, Stephanie Mills, that's my little niece.

Why don't you let her into the chorus?

Mr. Bunker, her problem is Tropo Forte.

For Jesus...

The kid's in perfect health. She must have had shots for that.

I think Stephanie would do much better in the spring musical, not in my chorus.

Can I take a minute to say something to you?

I was so looking forward to seeing my little niece singing in that

chorus, you know.

I'm raising her all by myself.

I mean, I'm a man with very few pleasures left.

Oh?

You're alone?

Yes, I am.

Give her a chance, eh?

Do you know what that kid said to me just before I come over here?

She told me that you were her favorite seat.

Really? Was I lying?

And I said to her, I said, Stephanie, I want you to show that woman the greatest

respect in the world, because, I mean, opera singers, oh, I mean, they're

geniuses. Oh, thank you.

Not for nothing.

Give her a chance, huh?

Well, maybe I could think about it.

Oh, gee, I can't tell you how delighted that makes me feel, Mrs. What -do -you

-call. Miss.

I couldn't guess that.

Springer.

Springer, that's it.

Victoria. Victoria.

Ain't that nice, Victoria? Could I call you that?

Please. Oh, gee whiz.

I gotta get back to work now.

You work nights?

Not if I don't wanna.

I never was so myself.

You must have seen my little bar and grill Archie Bunker's place. It's only a

hop, skip, and a jump from here.

Hey, you know what you ought to do someday?

You ought to drop in there for lunch, you know, and have a free lunch on the

house. Oh, Mr. Bunker, you're too generous.

Oh, Victoria, nonsense.

Now, you do that, will you?

I'm going to be expecting you. And I'll tell them all to be looking for you to

be coming in whenever you want.

And in the meantime, as us fans say, you know, when we run like hell out of the

opera house, Tally -ho!

Goodbye. It took

me all day yesterday to turn that woman around.

Yeah, how'd you convince her? Threaten to smash her fingers in a piano?

Oh, listen, I ain't like them, you know, garlic -eating boyfriends of yours. I

know how to turn on the old charm.

Oh, yeah, I find that a little hard to believe.

Hello.

Oh, my God, here she is, Beverly Drills.

Mr. Hunter?

Oh, how are you? How are you? Gee, good to see this is her. Oh, hello. You must

be Stephanie's music teacher. Yes, that's who it is. Yes, Victoria

do you do? Marie Klein, you're every bit as attractive as Archie said you were.

Archie, you never said that. No, I...

Well, yeah, I did. Sure, I said that, but not in so many ways, you know.

I was just in the neighborhood, and I remembered your invitation, so here I

Oh, well, I'm glad you come. You've done the right thing here. Welcome, welcome.

We'll get your table right away. Molly?

Yeah? Get over here.

We'll just... Would you put the lady in the far table over there? You know, I

want to get you in a table a little bit away from the riffraff.

Don't be looking at me.

You'll be joining me, of course.

Well, at the moment, you see, unfortunately, I'm the only one here

the, what do you call it, the expertise to kind of construe the dessert.

Hey, that's okay, boss. I already dumped the fruit salad into the jello.

So, um...

See you in a minute?

Yes, in a minute. Any minute. Any minute. Yes.

Yes.

Don't go.

Listen, she's very sweet. And for Stephanie's sake, go and join her for

will you? I know what to do, but don't you laugh.

Okay, I won't laugh.

I'm going to pay you back for torturing me.

My operatic career was really at its peak.

Wonderful notices.

When, tragically, I had problems with my diaphragm.

You become a mother too soon.

Archie, you're a scream.

I'm having so much fun.

I really want to return to hospitality.

Oh, no, no, what do you mean?

Dinner at my apartment.

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, I really want to do it. Saturday night, 7 o 'clock.

Oh, gee, Saturday night is the worst night for me.

You told me you didn't have to work unless you wanted to.

Well, that's true, but I'll tell you why Saturday's out. Because Saturday, I,

uh, I passed.

I don't believe that.

Yeah, yeah, to atone for the oil companies.

Not this Saturday.

Because this Saturday would be the perfect time for us to discuss...

future with my course.

Ah, I swear it's funny, huh?

Well, okay, I'll be there.

Listen,

Victoria, would you mind a lot if we invited my pitiful partner

over there, Murray, you know? Because he's alone.

He's a very lonely guy.

Oh.

I don't see why we couldn't include Murray.

Did I hear my name mentioned?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come here, sit down.

Thank you. Hey,

you know what's been happening over here? No, I know.

You're going to love this. You and me, we'll invite a Saturday night to

Victoria's house for dinner.

I'll get my girlfriend Millie to come along for you.

Oh, well.

But listen, I don't want you to go through all that trouble. No trouble at

Marie Klein.

Right, Victoria?

No trouble at all.

Well, it's all settled then.

Here's luck.

Saturday night.

I told you.

It must be D.

Mine? No.

How dapper you look. Thank you. You too, Archie. Oh, gee, thank you very much.

You don't look bad yourself there, Victoria.

Though we caught you in your pajamas, huh?

Oh, such a kidder.

These are Gloria Vanderbilt. Oh, you followed them, huh?

This is my dear friend, Millie Peterson.

Archie Bunker. How you doing? How you doing? And Mary Klein.

Millie. Millie.

That's one of my favorite names.

You're right.

Oh, and this is for you. Oh, you shouldn't have done that. Oh, come on.

Delighted. Oh, really, you shouldn't have.

It's from our storerooms. It's a slow move.

Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine.

We'll have it with dinner.

Why don't we all sit down?

All right. Let me take your hat. Thank you.

Where should I sit?

Sit there.

All right, I'll sit here. You sit here.

I'll go get the hors d 'oeuvres. All right.

Well, Victoria, you're living in kind of a nice place here.

Well, it's a very old building.

Well, it suits you.

Well, I mean to say it's the kind of a place where you'd expect to find a

teacher, you know, because it's dignified and dead quiet.

What?

I want to continue here. About the furniture, I was noticing it's all very

really, you know.

I got a daughter out in California, and she's got one of these little toy

soapers. What do you call them?

It's a love seat.

Marie, I'm here.

Marie, an hors d 'oeuvre. Oh, don't they look delicious? Yes, of course I'll

have one. Here you go.

Archie, an hors d 'oeuvre.

Oh, well, I'm not very strong for stuff like that. Oh, they're delicious.

Let's try one. Yeah, what the hell.

He's cute, you know.

What do you call it?

Sushi. You know, raw fish.

I think Archie got a piece of octopus.

I think there's a bee in here.

Where? I'll help him.

Well, do you want to sit down?

Where?

Well, uh, Billy, would you sit down, draw me? Get acquainted?

So tell me, uh, are you into music, too? Oh, I love it. I sing in the shower.

Well, I'd like to come by and hear you sometime.

So, Archie, tell me something about yourself.

Well, uh, I live at 704 Houses Street.

You're very close.

Excuse me.

I mean, um, tell me...

What are your interests? I mean, do you like museums, theater, ballet?

I can't bring that stuff in, you know. My channel 13 is wiggly.

Do you like jokes?

I love them.

Yeah, listen, I know a great joke that Murray told me. See, I want to tell you

this. It seems that up in heaven... Wait a minute, hold it.

Hey, Millie, give over that for a minute. Come over here, huh?

It's a great joke. You've got to hear this joke.

It seems that up in heaven, there was a hebe chink and a pola. No. Oh.

A hebe and two chinks.

There's my dinner.

Zucchini's ready.

I'll place the beer.

Oh, Murray, help yourself to drinks. Thank you.

You hear that? I hate cuisine.

Will you stop dropping faux pas all over the place?

I didn't drop nothing, no place. Hey, I spit it into the derby there.

I want to tell him, no, you heard me.

Oh, Archie, the wine was really excellent.

Archie, didn't you like the zucchini?

Oh, well, I tell you the truth, Victoria, it gives me the spooch.

Next course.

Cherry's Jubilee.

Oh, no. Where are we going to put it? No, no, no. I can manage.

Just enjoy.

Gee, we're so out of time.

8 .15 already.

Ain't funny how the eyes don't stop. Yes, well, you have a cup of coffee and

know you're going to perk right up. Archie!

Now, what?

Can you give me a hand for a second?

Yeah, all right.

Laurie, come on with me. I know she's calling you. Laurie, come with me. Get

there.

Could you open this for me? I know you're an expert.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you've come to the right party. I'm an expert on the bottle,

see. I tell you what, when a cork sticks like this, here's a trick. You just

turn on the hot water, put the caps on the neck of the glass there, and the

glass expands, and then you just, you know, you just get out the cork.

Very easy, just like that, see.

Put it down.

Oh, Victoria, I meant to ask you all evening, you know.

What about Stephanie and the school chorus?

I've thought about it.

She's in.

Oh, gee.

Victoria,

I can't tell you how wonderful it makes me feel. You know, I could kiss you.

Only it's 8 .20.

Archie, could you do...

One more thing for me. What?

Well, could you get those glasses down, the liqueur glasses? I can't reach them.

Yeah, I can do that, sure.

This woman is real.

What's that for?

I've wanted to do that since the first time I saw you.

Why?

Didn't you feel that chill up your spine the first time you saw me?

Yeah, you were singing.

Gee, we could have such fun together.

Gee, no, I don't think so, Victoria, because I hate fun.

Well, I have a serious side, too.

I'm not always frivolous and gay.

I got to tell you something about myself.

Give me a minute here.

Victoria, you and me, you know, we

couldn't always do nothing together because we ain't got the same what you

instinctuals.

Is there something wrong with me?

No, no, nothing wrong with you. It's me. It's just that I ain't a regular guy.

Let me try to put it to you delicately, you know. I am... I'm queer.

What?

You?

Yes. Yes.

I only just come out of the cupboard the first of January.

Now, listen.

We better get right back outside there because Murray is a very, very jealous

man.

Very too?

Yes. I mean, that business of ours, that's only a blind man.

He was getting on so well with Millie.

Oh, yeah, he can do that. See, because he's one of them... You heard of them

guys. You know, they call them a bilingual.

He's the one of us that's attracted to the women's clothes.

Get out of my way.

That's a very attractive dress you're wearing. Is that real silk?

What's going on?

Let's get the hell out of here. But I'm having fun.

Forget that, forget that. Here's your hat. That's yours. Here's yours. Okay.

Come on, come on. We've done what we come for. Huh? I got the kid back into

chorus. We had our dinner here. And I took care of Victoria.

How?

I told her that I promised to somebody else.

Who? Oh, Murray, does that really make a difference, huh?

It's somebody you'd approve of.

I'm going inside. You'll excuse me to find out what happened. No, wait a

Let me see what happened here.

Billy, what's going on?

Oh, Murray, you should have told me about this.

Told you what?

That you and me's partners for the last two years.

What's wrong with that?

Get out of here.

Just get out. Get out.

I've known some strange women in my life, but those two are crazy. Women,

who the hell needs women?

Bob, that was a weird bunch in your bar.

Oh, Victoria, come on, live and let live, huh?

Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention, I love you, Drake.