Original subtitles

Well, Murray has one hell of a nerve doing this, walking out of here in the

middle of the day and during a rush hour.

You call this a rush hour?

Don't argue with me. The joint could explode any minute.

Can't you get on the horn there? Call up that horse parlor. Tell Murray to get

back here.

Everyone's entitled to a break.

But Barney's with him. That could turn a break into a leave of absence.

Why'd they go to the horse parlor?

Why don't they go to the off -track betting?

Because, Mr. Bernard, at the off -track betting, Barney can't get no credit.

Why are you getting so upset about Barney and Murray going out having a

fun? They're going to have bare behinds because they're going to lose their

pants betting on the horses.

Let me tell you something.

The surest signs of a weak mind is gambling and drinking.

Give me my beer, all right?

What a fun night.

Harry, I'll have a perfect Rob Roy.

With a cherry.

Make mine a boilermaker and a shelper.

That, they must have won.

We didn't lose. That's right, we both got $120 each.

Thanks to Murray's very own system. We don't want to hear nothing about it.

What's the matter with you?

In case you ain't noticed, Murray, we got a business here. We got customers to

look after. That's why I came back. Time.

We're on the radio. Let's hear the race.

Kill that radio, we might get Howard Cosell.

This is something important.

It's the final race of the day.

That's right. We got a three -horse parley if anxious thud comes in.

We got it made.

With our original $30 bet, we stand to make $22 ,000. Yes, sir.

Should I give him his tab?

Give him his tab.

And the stretch is anxious stud in front by three quarters of a length. Now it's

anxious stud and boy dancer in the neck and neck. It's boy dancer and anxious

stud. And boy dancer wins it by a nose.

Anxious stud is second by a length.

What happened?

We lost.

Put back his tab.

Oh, what's the difference?

We'll make it back on the triple tomorrow, right, Murray?

Wrong, Barney.

I'm quitting while I'm ahead.

What are you talking about?

The system is just getting hot. Yeah, but that race just cooled it off.

Okay, let me have the calculator. Brief me on the system again and I'll go off

by myself tomorrow. All right, here it is. Very simple.

Here. Now, you take the horse's weight and you divide it by the jockey's

right?

And you multiply that amount by the last five winners.

But if the track is fast, you take off three points.

But you add five if the track is muddy.

Got it?

Yeah, I got it.

You're going to lose your shirt, Barney.

I'm going to win.

And now I got some tricky computations to do, so I'd appreciate a little peace

and quiet over here.

You're going to be sorry, Barney.

Don't worry about me, pal. I know what I'm doing.

How do you turn this on?

Veronica, we got any caviar?

Yeah, sure. We always keep a barrel around for our bacon, lettuce, and

sandwiches.

Bonnie only wants a jar of it when he comes in.

I tell you what I'll do, Murray.

I'll pour some soy sauce over tapioca. He'll never know the difference.

You mean to say he's asking for caviar now?

He's become impossible since he hit that lucky streak.

Oh, well, let me tell you, that lucky streak is going to come to an end.

And it's going to come to a bad end, too, Murray. And it's going to be your

fault for touting them onto that system of yours.

What are you talking about? We only went down to that horse parlor a couple of

times. Now he's betting on everything.

Basketball, hockey, you name it.

Only yesterday he wanted to bet me on which way a pigeon would fly off a

Reeves! What's that?

Reeves, look at the jacket there.

What'd you do, Barney? Go out and shoot a couch? Hey, Barney, that's terrific.

Did it come with bagpipe?

Annie, if you all are referring to my ensemble, I'd like you to know that I

finally found a tailor who shares my sense of style.

And Mr. Viannau could go out and pick out a stylish coat tonight.

What's the matter, Rog? Are you jealous of my good fortune? Not at all, Barney.

I'm just sick of you.

Oh. Coming around here flaunting all your winnings there. Like you've really

done something.

Yeah, I have done something. I pulled myself up from the lower levels of life.

I got class.

You got about as much class as a clothesline on a roof for Newark.

And my champagne and caviar waiting in the wings. Coming right up.

Oh, lovely.

I'll have one of those.

Oh,

those are delicious.

You know something, Veronica?

If I wasn't an old caviar eater, I'd swear that was tapioca.

Two of your finest steaks to go. Make mine medium.

Rusty likes his rare.

Listen, buddy, you ain't gonna put nothing like that on the tab, you know.

matter of fact, I think you better pay up your tab now and all it is. Right

Certainly, innkeeper.

I trust you can change a hundred.

The hackneyed couldn't handle it.

That huddle just about covered all you owe, Bobby.

Thank you. Thank you, Barney. Your slate is clean.

Take nothing of it, pal.

And a small gratuity for you, my good man, if you'd just turn up the sound on

the Knicks game.

Thank you.

You're going to take $10 off of a child?

I am proud.

What makes you down five points the last time I looked?

Splendid. My money's on the Celtics. What? You a New Yorker? You an outbid on

Boston? Ah, that dope Bruno the bookie. Told me this was a pick -em game. So I

put down 800 clams on the Celtics.

800? Have me a bag of tell.

And you go out and you bet against the home team?

Well, you deserve to lose.

You got to go with the winner, Rog. And that certainly isn't the Knicks. Ah, the

Knicks got the ball now.

They're going down.

It's fouled.

Against the Celtics. Three to make two. Three to make two.

Here we go.

Miss it. Miss it, you bum.

What are you fooling around there for?

Now you

see what happens? You train

your back on New York, and New York will kill you.

Oh, let me alone.

Let this be a lesson to you there, Barney.

This gambling thing is a person, don't you understand?

It goes right through your soul and into your wallet. Now stop all of this.

And another thing. There.

Grain that coast.

Get out of here. Let me alone. I'm going down to that phone and I'm going to put

15 big ones on the ranges tonight, double or nothing.

Hey, wait. Don't do it. Don't do it, pal. You're getting cold. Excuse me.

You ain't calling no bookie on our house phone.

Oh, really?

Well, this ain't the only phone in the world. What are you doing?

Get away from that phone. It's out of order.

Says who?

Says this.

I get it.

Well, this ain't the only saloon in the world either, you know. It's the only

saloon in the world that will put up with you.

Is that so?

Well, I'll just take a little walk down to McPhee's Topless. Good, because

you're topless too, from the neck up. Oh, that's wonderful.

They got a much warmer clientele there. And another thing, they got an owner

with a lot more class.

Come on down here and get lost in all them marmalades.

And don't come back till you're flat - broke, you're all out of dough, and you

need money. And, man, I'd like to see you.

Yeah, why?

I want a laugh in your face.

I'd kill myself before I'd ask you for a nickel.

Our old friend, Bonnie, gone bananas over gambling. And here he is,

to kill himself.

Murray, if he really kills himself, it's your fault.

rendezvous.

Hey, hey.

Just wanted to see if you were awake.

Well, no, no. Barney hasn't been in here for a week.

All right, fine. When he comes in, I'll give him the message.

You're welcome.

Bye -bye.

Barney's boss again?

Yeah, I still saw him. Barney hasn't showed up yet.

A city job.

I'm surprised they missed him.

With all that money he's made, he could be down in Florida.

Oh, God, can you picture Barney down there in Florida?

Betting on how many Cubans swim over every hour?

Come on, Arch.

Did you ever think that he took up gambling because he's lonely?

Ah, that argument don't cut no ice with me, Mr. Van. There's a lot of people in

this world lonely, huh? Look at you.

Arch, you know what I can't understand is why are you taking all this so

personally?

Well, because I was once hooked in this sickness here myself, you know.

He drove my poor, sweet wife, God rest her soul, nuts.

That's why it makes me sick to see Barney in it.

Hi, afternoon, gentlemen.

What can I get you? Barney Hefner.

Has he been in?

Barney hasn't been here for a while.

He ain't gonna be back neither. He's been 86ed out of here.

What can we do to help you?

Well, we have some important news for him. You see, we're his financial

consultants.

Financial consultants, whoop -dee -doo. How do you like that?

It ain't bad enough. He's into the horses. Now he's getting into the

too. The guy wants to get killed.

That's a definite possibility.

Well, listen, did you try his house? I'll tell you where he... Well, we've

there every day.

But Mr. Heff?

No, has not been at home.

Well, I don't see how we can help you.

What do you mean we can't? Just tell the man that...

Well, just tell him that his life insurance policy is about to expire.

Now, if he wants to renew it, he should contact me immediately.

Yeah, well, listen, if I see him, I'll tell him that, because I know he don't

want his insurance policy yet to, uh...

There's

something funny about them young guys.

Yeah. They don't smile.

That's it, yeah.

What do you think of that financial advisor bit there? Hey, how much do you

think it costs to have a guy like that? It'll cost him an arm and a leg.

Oh, yes. I think that's Bruno the book and his two bookends there. And I think

we'd better find Bonnie before they do.

Ah, come on, yous are all making too much of the whole thing there. Give me a

beer. Aren't you the least bit concerned?

Yes, that's what I am.

The least bit concerned.

I'm going to check McFeeney's topless.

Oh, McFeeney's topless? Be sure you're checking for Barney over there. Don't be

checking that jiggling flesh.

I thought you was Barney's best friend. Don't you know what those guys are going

to do to him?

Yeah, they're going to scare him a little.

Ha, ha, ha. When I was going out with Carmine Grandisi, he owed 5 ,000 bucks

Vinnie the Limp.

They tied Carmine up and took a huge zucchini.

Stop, stop.

We don't want to hear nothing like that.

All hot friends are always torturing each other with vegetables.

Well, I'm just trying to prepare you for what might happen to your friend. But I

can see you really don't care.

Barney made his own bed. Now let him lay in it there.

With or without cuzzinis.

Archie Bunker's place.

Barney, where are you, Barney? Who's that?

Barney. Hey, Barney, Barney. Listen, be careful.

There are some thugs out looking for you. What's he saying? What's he saying?

Hey, Barney.

Barney, don't do that.

Barney. Barney!

What'd he say? He says he forgives you for throwing him out of the bar.

He just called to say goodbye.

What, is he going out of town?

He ain't going nowhere.

He's home.

He says he's gonna kill himself.

Kill himself?

He wants Arch to take care of Rusty.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! He's gonna get over here!

Hey, you!

Shut up!

God!

I've been through this crap! Crisis is what Bonnie hurt them over and over

again. I know just how to handle it.

Well, here we are, Rusty old pal.

The last can of dog food in the house. And we're going to share it. Just like

shared my frozen pizza, remember?

Eat that up.

These beef byproducts are pretty good.

You got Julia Childs coming over and cooking for you, huh?

Kill

Rusty!

You kidding?

The last time that dog killed anything was my lawn.

How did you get in here?

With this key which you so conveniently left under the mat for any dope. Oh,

yeah? Well, if you came over here to stop me, you're wasting your time.

Oh, I wouldn't dream of stopping you.

Because I know those guys have got a long, lingering death waiting for...

do you mean you wouldn't dream of stopping me?

Just what I said.

You got a beer?

Yeah, in the fridge.

Thank you.

Well, if you wouldn't dream of stopping me, then what did you come over here

for? Oh, well, somebody told me that after you croaked there, that you was

planning to leave Rusty to me, you know, so I thought I'd better come right over

and tell you in person, please don't do that.

Well, I don't know what you're going to do there, Barney, whether you're going

to kill yourself or break the land, you know, but let's see how it comes out.

Aren't you at all upset by this tragic scene?

No.

You got any pretzels in the house?

together. Oh, I ain't gonna forget none of them precious memories.

I thought as a last resort, I could go to my dear, devoted friends who would be

delighted to save me.

You know, if they really knew my plight.

Ain't you got anything to say?

Yeah, when are you gonna jump?

Come on, buddy, I ain't got much time.

Geronimo.

You want me to help you? No.

You want me to kick the chair out, Monty, or what?

Wait, wait a minute. What are you saying to him? Are you crazy?

Monty, get off the chair. Get off the chair.

I can't get him to do that. You try.

Monty, things can't be really that bad. There's no amount of money in the world

that's worth your life.

Hold it, hold it. This man ain't Reggie Jackson.

Do you really mean that, Murray?

Of course I do.

Will you loan me $2 ,500?

Huh?

Huh? What do you mean, huh?

You said his life was worth money, so give him some.

Well, I... Well, I think we should.

What do you mean, we? I ain't the guy that got him into the gambling mess.

What, are you blaming all this on me? If you hadn't thrown him out of the bar,

all this wouldn't have happened. What are you talking about? Come on, tell him

it's my fault.

He assaulted me and then left the bar. He wouldn't have run out the way that

supposed to be.

Let's enjoy a beer while we discuss my deal, huh?

Oh, you see this? A tragic situation suddenly turns into a deal.

I knew this was going to happen, see?

All right, Barney.

Raise your right hand.

See how fast he does this?

Do you solemnly swear to cold turkey

gambling just like I done and never, never gamble no more?

Whatever you say, Arch, I solemnly swear.

You see, it was like booze or drugs. You know, I got hooked into it, and I just

couldn't stop.

I know all about it, Marty.

And that's why I want to help you.

I'm going to lend you this money.

Thanks, Arch. Wait a minute. I think we both should lend you the money. I mean,

we're both friends of his, aren't we?

Ain't this nice?

Ain't this nice?

You ought to be grateful for the rest of your life.

That the two of us friends of you will save you from them bloodthirsty, low

-down thugs.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Since you've decided to pay your friend's debt, maybe you'd like to get

of the way. Like now.

You take the diner's club?

Why pay a service charge?

I'll take your check, though.

I have a checkbook. I got a pen.

See,

I...

I want to thank you for this, Bruno. I never thought a bookie would take a

check. Well, why not?

You've got a nice neighborhood establishment there with big windows in

and the back.

What's your last name, Bruno?

Make it out to Interborough Sand and Cement.

Thank you, Joss.

Did you check, Doctor?

Shut up the van, boys.

Thank you, gentlemen.

It's been a pleasure.

Hey, Barney.

Smile.

You got two terrific friends here.

Buona Santa.

That's kind of a nice

guy, isn't he?

He's a sweetheart.

Hey, I want to pay you guys back every nickel I owe you, and I'm going to start

with my last five dollars.

I'll take that.

What are those?

Oh, those are just a couple of sweepstakes tickets that I bought a

back. I'll rip them up. Hold it, hold it, hold it. Don't do that. Don't never

rip up sweepstakes tickets there.

I'll hold these tickets for you. As a matter of fact, why don't we buy these

tickets from him for a five? Yeah, yeah, yeah. For a five, keep it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You take this.

I mean, hit the road. Why not, huh?

Yeah, it's worth the gamble.

Wait a minute. Just a minute. Wait a minute.