Original subtitles

Then we're going to go to Kessler's to get the gym shorts.

But they don't have the kind of gym shoes that I want. So we'll have to go

Sears. But that won't be out of the way because it's right near Macy's. We'll

have to get a new winter coat.

You know, the kind that's real warm but you can also get in the rain.

And while we're there, we're going to look at the skirts.

We'll have to get a navy blue one. And maybe a pleated one in pink and blue

plaid. Which I can wear with three new sweaters I'll have to get. And that

have to go to Alexander's to buy.

And while we're there, we're going to look for a training bra.

and I better start wearing one now or else I'll be sorry later.

Are you done?

No. And then we have to find a store that sells westerns because I absolutely

have to have a cowboy hat.

You don't deserve new darts until you learn how to take care of your own ones.

I'm getting going. Oh, come on. Hey, the last time I seen you, you were wrong.

It looked like a laundry truck was caught in a cyclone falling by a

That was long ago when school started.

Mrs. Cammie made me clean it all up. Oh, Steph, this call's for you.

For me?

Yep, it's a lady says she's your grandmother.

What? Grandma?

Yeah, well, that's what the lady says.

She got a grandma?

Yeah, it's one of her friends fooling around there. I picked up the phone the

other day. Some kid with a voice like a cricket telling me I was going to be

dragged.

I'd really like to, but I can't.

I have to go shopping for school clothes.

Okay, if you want to.

704 Houser Street.

Okay.

Bye.

You ain't supposed to be giving out your red dress to strangers.

I know, but that was Grandma Harris.

Grandma Harris?

Grandma Harris. Isn't that the old bag lady who had a crush on Bonnie?

No, that's Grandma Hessel.

Hey, Steph, you never said nothing about a grandmother.

Well, that's who she was.

My mom's mom.

Listen, you got any more secrets like a husband in the Navy?

It ain't exactly a secret, Al. I knew about it.

Just didn't give a damn about it. And I still don't.

I just haven't seen her since I was little.

Yeah, well, what does she want with you now? She wants to take me shopping into

lunch. She's coming over in the morning.

Oh, no, no, no. You can't do that.

I ain't going to be there to meet her. And I ain't going to let you run off

no stranger there. Claim to be your grandma Hustle.

Harris.

Whatever.

You can't go.

Arch, what do you say? I mean, it's her grandmother.

We don't know that.

Yes, we do.

I remember her.

She had a coat with little dead foxes hanging around her neck.

Oh, my God, ain't that awful.

Call her back. Tell her you can't go.

I don't know her number.

Besides, I want to see her. Of course you do. What are you saying?

Will you judge there?

Go on back to school. You can't go. Case closed.

I'm not going to go back to school until you say she can take me. You want to

bet you ain't going back to school? I'm going.

Hey, you forgetting something, huh?

Yeah.

My broccoli.

Something else. Something else.

Yeah.

Look, you tell me something. What's wrong with the child wanting to see her

grandmother? Laurie, you don't know her relations like I do. The last one of

them turned up was her father there. He hit me for $200.

God knows what this old lady wants.

Oh, come on. Why are you so suspicious?

Because poor relations, unless they want something, they never return to the

scene of the family.

Oh, hello.

Oh, hiya there.

Why aren't you down at the bar?

Well, I had to go to the store for something. Bring it back here.

What's this?

This is a hat. What the hell does it look like?

That's what I had her buy, you know, for the kids.

I don't know why she wants it. She'd be better off with a coloring book.

I think she might agree with you.

What time are they coming back?

I don't know.

Well, you was here when they left. Didn't they say nothing?

No.

Well, what about the old lady? What's she like?

She seemed very nice.

I don't want to hear that.

Did she ask you how much money I got?

No, she didn't.

Well, do you know why?

Because she's waiting to see the golden goose himself.

She can snatch at my eggs.

I can hardly eat thinking about it. Get me a beer, huh? Coming right up.

Oh, Lord help us. What a nothing family that poor child is saddled with there.

And now this old spider creeping around, probably giving the kid a song and

dance while starving the dead in a row late.

And, of course, the kid being dopey and soft -hearted, she'd believe all of

that.

What's this?

Coffee.

I don't say, what is this?

I'm saying, what's this?

Which means, where the hell's my brew?

I don't think you should have beer on your breath when you talk to Mrs.

What the hell do I care if some old blister smells beer off of my breath?

Okay.

I'll get that.

Hello.

Oh, hiya there.

Look at the hat my grandma bought me.

It's Detson. I told her it was too expensive, but she bought it for me

Well, you're a regular Royan tricker, dear.

And we got everything at Saks Fifth Avenue. What a neat store.

It's huge.

Yeah, I know. Well, uh, don't stand there. I mean to say, why don't you put

your stuff away?

Okay. Yeah, and, uh...

Uh, please, come in.

Thank you.

Uh,

Mrs. Canby, whatever are you doing with that beer there?

Uh, you see, I got my favorite beverage there, coffee on the table.

Uh, would you care for a beverage, Mrs. Wakehorn?

Harris, no, thank you. Come on, Stephanie, show me what you brought. Oh,

Ollie, pass the cat right here. Yeah.

Let me help you with all of these here.

Just put that there.

Please find a seat.

Not that chair.

Don't worry, Mr. Bunker. I wasn't going to sit in your chair.

Stephanie told me how much it means to you.

Oh, no, it ain't that. It's just that that chair was never a favorite of

You know, there's a spring that pops up in the air.

I never had a chance to get it ripped out.

I was sorry to hear about your wife.

Oh, thank you. The kid mentioned that. No, no, I heard about it, and that's

brought me here.

Oh, yeah.

Is anything wrong?

No, I was just expecting something a little different.

A little different?

Well, to tell you the truth,

The only other relation of the kids who ever come around here was her father,

Floyd. And, you know, he was looking to hit me up with some dough, so I figured,

you know.

Oh, that I wanted your money?

That's ridiculous.

I can see that.

So, what do you want?

I want my granddaughter.

I want Stephanie to come and live with me.

Left that kid in our care.

Yes.

But there isn't our anymore.

There's just you.

A single middle -aged man.

And not even a blood relative.

So what?

You can't give her the right kind of care.

Oh, I ain't gonna listen to nothing like this. What are you talking about?

That kid is doing fine. Right where she is.

And there ain't nothing she needs that she don't get.

I doubt that.

I think that a little girl needs a woman's care.

And if not her mother, certainly her own grandmother.

Think.

Think of what's best for the child.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Who the hell are you to tell me what to think,

huh?

You know, they're all as far as I'm concerned. You're a total stranger

in here.

I mean, since before today, when did you last see that kid?

Oh, no, I got you there.

No, no, no, no, no. I mean, look, I don't want to be, we call her harsh or

or, you know, nothing like that. But get out of here.

Don't get excited, Mr. Bunker. Get a lawyer.

Me? You better get yourself a lawyer. Already have.

He suggested that I talk to you first before taking this to court.

Now I've done that, so now we'll let a judge decide.

Mr. Bunker, I'm warning you.

I'm a woman who usually gets what she wants. And I want my granddaughter.

I'm going to take this sitting down.

Oh, hey, kid, you don't want to wear this dopey little thing here. I only

that to send it out to California to Joey.

Uncle Archie, I don't want to leave you.

Well, you ain't going to leave me.

What are we going to do?

Oh, I know what I'm going to do.

I'm going to look up some very old and dear friends of mine.

Here they are. Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz and sons and sons -in -laws

and whatever.

Who are they?

Who are they, huh?

They're lawyers, honey.

Seven savage Jews who know how to put the run on hard.

Will you look at this here, McGuire?

The judge is a Mick, and I got a repentance from a lawyer.

Nothing plays no sound.

But maybe we should delay, and I should go for a Finnegan remote.

Listen, Bunker.

When we're inside with the judge, we'll have a signal.

If I put my hand on your knee, please stop talking.

Don't do that, will you? I get goosey whenever a man touches my legs.

Shush. Here comes the grandma and some kid.

Oh, my God, I don't believe it. Look who's here. Gary?

You're my adversary?

This is Watts' enemy.

How's your mother?

How's Sharon? How's the baby? Don't be asking him. Nothing is your enemy.

Everybody's fine. I'll see you inside, Uncle Saul.

Uncle Saul.

Good luck, Gary.

You don't have to wish him luck.

You're right.

He's never lost a case.

Come on.

Only four people are allowed in my chambers.

The parties concerned and the two attorneys. One of you get out.

Not you, Bunker.

No, he's out.

You, Bunker?

That's a Bunker.

Uh, Judge, there, uh, I'm a veteran of WW2 and a local businessman.

Sit down.

You own a bar?

Uh, yes, Judge, uh, a bar and grill. Oh, and by the way, uh, we got an Irish

Catholic cook over there by the name of Veronica Rooney. You ought to drop

around sometime.

Hold the commercial.

I hate Irish cooking and I don't drink.

Oh, geez, ain't that odd, you know, considering your name of wire.

What's that supposed to mean?

I had no intention to find a judge. The whole world knows that you people ain't

exactly strangers to the sword.

Yes, the judge has been around the block.

Let's get on with this.

You're Estelle Harris?

Yes, Your Honor.

Now, as I understand it, one Stephanie Mills, age 12, was left in the care of

Mr. and Mrs. A. Bunker.

Mrs. Bunker, presently deceased.

That's true, Judge, but my wife taught me everything she knew.

At this time, Estelle Harris, the maternal grandmother, is seeking legal

custody. That's correct, Rob.

He's a lawyer.

You ain't saying nothing.

The hearing is hereby set for one week from today at 9 a .m.

As requested, in the meantime, Mrs. Harris can see the child.

The kid is happy. The kid don't want to see, huh?

The child hasn't told me that.

Why did you have to show up at all when everything's going along so good? Cut

that out.

You're out of order, Bunker. I'm sorry, Judge. A man just grabs my leg.

Where was you when free -loading Floyd dumped the kid on us, huh?

Bunker, be quiet!

appointing someone to the SPCC to investigate both homes.

Judge, it's a child we're talking about, not a carcass bangle.

It is cruelty to children, not animals.

Well, Judge, there was nobody ever cruel to that child, not while she was under

my roof there. The only people cruel to her was her deadbeat family that

deserted her.

I never deserted that child.

why didn't you take the kid in in the first place? Ask her that, your honor.

Ask her where was she when that child had her first appendix in me.

Bunker, sit down.

Just judge.

Wake up.

And if I'm not satisfied with that social worker's report, the child will

placed in a foster home until custody is determined.

Excuse me, Your Honor, but are you sure you can do a thing like that?

I'll check.

But I think I can.

Hello, Harry.

Hi, Barney. Hey, Barney. Hiya, fellas.

Oh, boy. All right.

Set up four of the regulars, Harry.

I'm going to get Bob.

How many did you have at home?

I don't remember.

I wasn't using a glass.

the day before Christmas.

Tis the season to be jolly.

Not for me.

I've no one to be jolly with.

Me neither, Barney.

Not a New Year's Eve coming up.

Most of my loved ones are in prison.

Oh, you got your loved ones here, Veronica.

Hey, we gotta wash down the walls of the ladies' can.

Yeah, I know.

They've been writing things about me and you.

What are you worried about?

What they've been writing about me ain't true.

What did you get here, Barney?

Oh, hi, Arch. Archie Bunker's place. It's all I have. Thanks a go.

I see you're well on your way to your annual paradise.

Sure, Miss Camby. I'll tell him.

Tell him what?

There was a social worker over at the house, Mr.

Davis. He's on his way over here now.

Archie was at the house, huh?

God, I hope she showed him a good housekeeping, huh?

And it's time for Newsweek, too.

You scared?

You can't have a social worker thinking that we let drunks in this jive here.

Murray, please, throw him away in the store. Okay, come on, Barney, come on.

Barney, old beanhead, take him back there.

Yeah, let's show you some new bottles.

Hello? A little bit of a silly out there. I'm looking for Mr. Bunker.

Oh, right here, you're looking at him. Oh, you... You must be the social

Mr. What do you call him? Davis. They're all Davids? Yeah, yeah. Pleased to meet

you there. Mrs.

Camby just phoned. She was on her way over.

Yeah. Hey, I hope you noticed while you was at the house that Mrs.

Camby's there a color boy.

Just as I was leaving, it dawned on me.

Yeah. Well, I mean, you know, having a black lady there working hard in my

there, don't that say something about me? Oh, really?

What's the nice place you have here?

Yeah, you're all real family, real family. The kid comes here every day for

lunch, you know.

But never in the bar, only in the restaurant.

Right, Harry?

What's that, Arch? I'm just saying to Mr. Davis here that Steffi never comes

into the bar.

Who's Steffi?

I don't see.

I don't see.

Well, listen, you don't have to stand there. Go on over and take a seat, you

know. Hey, you should see the place in the middle of every day.

It's crowded with minorities all sitting down at the tables and right up front.

Mr. Davis, can I get you something to drink or something to eat?

I'd like a cup of coffee if it's not too much trouble. No trouble at all. I'm

Murray Klein. I'm Bunker's partner. Nice to meet you, Mr. Klein. Likewise.

Oh, Murray's like an uncle to the kid, you know.

I suppose you notice he's Jewish.

No, I couldn't tell him.

Oh.

Well, I mean, he ain't too Jewish.

He takes her out all the time. He takes her to the ballets, you know, and the

museums and all of them things, as he naturally would.

What do you mean, naturally?

Well, you know Jewish people, they're nuts on culture, you know.

They certainly are the people that are nuts on football, basketball, and

drums. Top players and shooting craps.

There you go. Thank you. Yeah, sit down, sit down, Murray. Me and Mr. Davis are

just kind of... I heard, I heard.

What's the face?

Mr. Davis, I don't want you to get the idea that I won't be... Miss Candy,

me on Mr. Bunker.

Hey, hey, Art. Do I hear something funny?

I mistook your office for a men's room.

Tell me you didn't know.

Certainly not.

I only wrote a poem on the wall.

Excuse me there, Mr. Davis, but it seems that some misfortunate drunk, you know,

just staggered in here from the alley out there. It happens here. Come, come,

fellow, whoever you are.

Oh, Barney.

Get in there.

Just keep talking here like everything was normal, huh?

You see, he's a little nervous about losing a little girl. Yes, I know.

I keep telling him he's not going to lose her, but he won't believe me.

Don't keep telling him. What do you mean?

Well, he's got an okay house, got a wonderful housekeeper, the little girl

happy, and I can see that he's just an ordinary businessman.

I'll okay him.

But this is a child custody case, and he's not a relative.

He doesn't stand a chance.