Original subtitles

Yeah, the whole world loves cake. You know, the French will eat cake for

breakfast. So will the Germans if they run out of pickles.

Chocolate cake. Ah, look at this. Look at this.

Wait, what is this, huh?

One, two, zilch. Ain't you forgetting something?

That's right. You take cream in your coffee, don't you?

Well, you know what I mean. Where's my cake?

You told me last night that you wanted to lose weight. She's right.

Button up, huh?

Where are you going? I'm going to go get a beer.

You can't. Oh, can't I?

We're out of beer.

Come on, I told you when you started working for us, the one thing that I

never be out of is beer and toilet paper.

You've got plenty of toilet paper.

Well, ain't we nifty -woopty -doo?

I miss going to the store. Stephanie needed help studying for a science test.

It's going to be a real killer.

So I'll go to Ferguson's now.

We need a lot of things.

Oh, yeah, well, I think I'd probably be drifted out.

I'll stay with her till you get back, but please don't be long, because I've

to get down to the saloon.

In the meantime, you'll do the dishes, huh, kid?

I have to study.

Study what?

Quiz her on her science vocabulary.

Well, okay. I'll do that. Everybody should know one or two things about

So, the first question in the quiz is, what are they learning this year?

Reproduction.

In school?

Do you know how amoebas reproduce?

You're like Americans, but yes, but we learn in that school.

You watched amoebas yesterday.

Where?

Good, ain't they got people patrolling them playgrounds?

A little piece of glass under a microscope.

Amoebas are one -celled animals.

I don't care nothing about that. Do you hear what's going on here in the school?

They're showing them how amoebas are doing dirties on glass.

Kids were studying one -celled animals before we were born.

Oh, yeah?

Well, where was I?

I don't know. I keep wondering about that.

Let me tell you something. In my opinion, this here reproduction, that's

fancy liberal way of saying S -E -X.

Sex.

I thought it was bipartisan.

Well, let me tell you this. Don't be surprised if the Reagan administration

a stop to this here.

Mooney was going for cutbacks, but I didn't think he meant sex.

You're asking these terms.

You got dishes to do.

You said you'd help me study.

Do you want me to flunk tomorrow?

No, certainly I don't want you to flunk. Come on, come on. We'll get at this.

We'll work together.

Tell you what we do.

You watch, see?

And I'll throw the words at you. Just show me where to begin here.

Okay.

You read me the definition, and I'll tell you the word. All right, I read you

the definition.

You tell me the word. Okay, definition.

Hey.

The exact moment of human conception is... Oh, jeez. Why the hell do you have

be learning about this?

Fertilization.

Well, that's wrong anyway.

Fertilization's for lawns and flower beds.

Well, I can't go on here with this science crap. Oh, it's giving me a hot

Uh -oh.

Mrs. Camby left the grocery money in her apron.

Oh, then I gotta go.

I gotta go. I gotta go after and give her the money here. You stay and study

that garbage by yourself, huh?

Lock the back door.

I'll lock the front door.

Don't let nobody in.

And if anybody comes to either one of them doors that you don't know, you turn

out the lights and scream and don't be nervous.

Look what you went away and forgot here.

Oh, I left it in the apron.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, wait, wait, wait a minute. What is here? What's this stuff?

Oh, that's a no -cholesterol egg substitute.

Egg substitute?

So how much was it, too? Have a glass of that with my bacon?

Oh, you scramble it.

At your age, too many eggs can lead to heart trouble.

Did you ever see a chicken have a heart attack?

You got me there.

Now, as long as I'm here, let me show you some of the fools that I adore.

Come on, this way.

Okay. Here.

Huh?

Number one.

Ah, this is the... Oh, geez, look at this. $1 .49 for Twinkies. Will you see

the basic necessaries of life has gone up to the moon?

Now, come over this way.

What the hell are them two gawking about? They probably see us as a couple.

Couple of what?

You know, a black woman, a white man, maybe a married couple.

Oh, how ridiculous can people be?

Don't worry about it.

I ain't worrying about nothing. I mean, you know, you and me, we know how wrong

they are. So don't think about it.

Don't you think about it. I won't mind your own business.

Let's hurry up and get out of here. Who are you trying to get away from? I ain't

trying to get away from nothing. I'm just trying to show you some of the

that I'm used to eating, that's all.

Gerber's strained bananas?

It makes farina taste better.

Where else do you want to go? Let's go.

Sundry's. Sundry's.

Sundry's is right over here.

Just pull a snappy.

Archie Parker.

Oh, holy cow.

Gordy, how am I?

Fine. And who's the little lady?

She ain't a little lady. She's my housekeeper. Oh, yeah? A housekeeper?

Yeah. This is Gordy Bruns. He's the grand potentrate of my lodge. How do you

I'm Ellen Canby.

So you call her a housekeeper?

Yeah, yeah, and a cook.

How does she cook?

Oh, she cooks great.

He isn't talking about the kitchen.

Well, where else do you cook with the kitchen?

Oh, no, no, no. Gordy, he don't mean nothing like that.

Sure I do.

No, you don't. Come on there, Gordy.

Gordy's a hell of a kid, are you?

Oh, yeah. He's a riot.

Right away, we got a manager special on pancake mix.

Aunt Jemima.

Oh, I love Aunt Jemima.

And this would be good for you.

You ought to gargle with it in the morning.

Hey, Gordy, come here. I got to talk to you over here.

Please, lay off of this stuff.

Not bad looking, Arch.

A little tan for my taste.

Come on, will you? This ain't what you think.

Tell me the truth.

How are they?

Gordy, you ain't talking very nice.

Really disappointed in your large brother?

What the hell did I do?

You know how this looks in my market? But I shouldn't be surprised.

You and your wife are always cozying up to them colored neighbors.

But I didn't think you'd turn into a nigger lover.

Gordy, I'm going to hit you.

He pulled a knife on me. Come on, let's get the hell out of here.

You'd be sorry about this, Bunker.

Good morning, Murray.

Morning, Harry.

I'm an A -Sugar Ray Bunker.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

I heard about what happened last night at Ferguson's.

Hey, what happened?

Nothing happened.

I heard you and Gordy Bruns got into it.

You? Got in a fight?

No, it was Castro. He finally strangled his boss.

It wasn't nothing, Murray. It was just, you know, a couple of old pals horsing

around, just kidding around.

That ain't what I heard.

I heard there was punches thrown.

I'd like to see some more punches thrown.

Wait a minute, Ox. What'd you do, get yourself into a jam last night, huh?

What's the story? Yeah, I want to hear the real story. The real story. You want

the real story? Well, open up a paper.

It's a dear baby.

Okay. Hi, guys.

Hi, Veronica.

Well, I guess it's too much to expect one of you to give me a hand here.

I'm way over here.

Thank you.

Hey, hey, hey. What do you got in here?

Oh, in here, I got the bargain of the year.

Little baby, sweet peas, formerly 59 cents, now a dime a can.

Oh, well, no wonder they... Look, they're all dented. Mari, don't be such

worrier. The guy at Ferguson said it was okay.

You went to Ferguson's?

Oh, you know, a real crazy story.

The checker told me that this rowdy lowlife came in there last night and

giving the manager some lip.

Well, the guy was real obnoxious. I mean, kicking and punching the manager

the manager had to throw him into the canned peas.

The manager was a dirty liar. It didn't happen that way. The manager started

mounting off with me. It was I dumped him into the canned peas and it was only

one punch thrown.

Ah, what I tell you.

You're the rowdy lowlife?

You had to drag it out of me, huh?

I didn't know you were such a tough guy.

Macho, macho.

You sing one more note, and I'll be on the phone to the immigration.

So, so, come on. Tell us what happened at the brawl at Ferguson's. Well, you

off of me. I'm trying to tell you nothing happened. It was just what you

little minor alteration there. Don't tell my Morty Brunson. Just got a little

out of line.

Out of line about what?

Look at this, the forum.

Looks like they're doing a commercial for Willie Hunton.

Hey, Hunton, I've got to talk to you right away.

Private. Hey, Bart, did you hear what happened to him at Ferguson's?

That's what I've got to talk about. What do you know that we don't know? Did you

hear the man say private? Private, go on into the office there, Bart.

Private, private.

You know, that's a crying shame.

Privacy is one of them things that disappeared right from American life.

Like I was fake.

So what do you make of that?

I don't know, but I haven't seen Barney this serious since his dog got pinworms.

Gordy wants to throw you out of the lodge.

Oh, I figured that. But what the hell could I do?

Yeah, well, lucky for you, you got your old pal on the council.

And I convinced him to accept a formal written apology.

Oh, no, Barney, I ain't gonna do that.

I think you're turning funny.

Do you realize that we've been in the Kings and Queens now for 19 years?

Next month, we get our 20 -year pin, not to mention the dinner and our honor.

And best of all, we'll be the only two guys entitled to guard the grand

potentate's crown jewels.

Let's not forget the financial benefits. The all -inclusive prepaid burial

insurance plan.

What you're laying in that box, buddy, you don't want any heavy expenses on

money.

Think about it.

Oh, come on in, buddy. Come on in. Hi, Art.

You got the letter?

Yeah, yeah. I just finished it here. Yeah. And I'd like to try it out on you,

huh? Okay.

Yeah. I'll start from the beginning, okay?

Good.

Dear and lustful grand folk, Trey Gordy.

Lustful? You sure you got the right words?

Not with the words. Listen to the rhythm of the thing here, huh?

We have been friends for over 20 years during that wonderful decade.

Wait a minute.

Don't stop me, huh, Barney?

Why do you have to go all the way back to the beginning?

No, you don't. Start from that wonderful decade.

All right, now leave me alone.

We had a lot of good times. You and me winning the three -legged race at the

large picnic was one of the thrillingest moments of my life. In the last

election, when you was run against Barney, I was your biggest supporter.

You wasn't supposed to hear that.

Don't give me that look. You can forget it, can't you?

No, but go ahead anyway.

That brings me to our misfortunate meeting at Ferguson's. I have to say

done was wrong, but what I done was wrong. I want to apologize, but don't

how to phrase it. Your maternal large brother, Archie Bunker, huh?

Yeah, yeah, it's all right, but you're not groveling enough. You got to run

yourself down more. It has to be more begging and pleading.

I hate this.

Well, that's the way it has to be. All right.

Don't get so excited.

Look back over here. There's a couple of spots where I could sprinkle a little

gravel.

Okay. You make those amendations, and I'll pick it up after supper.

Okay. Thanks, Barney. Thanks.

And a little sniveling one night, either.

A lot of sniveling. Okay.

this word phrase here.

How would you spell that? F -R -A -Z -E?

Or F -R -A -Y -S? Or don't know.

Neither. It's P -H -R -A -S -E.

Oh, for God's sake, it's one of them P -H -R -A -S -E.

I see you're writing that creepy lodge guy.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. This could be a federal rap reading out of people's

mail. I'm sorry.

Listen, I told you the whole story of that thing because I wanted you to know

the truth. You promised to say nothing about it. I don't want it all over town.

I'll keep quiet.

There should be a lesson to you and everybody else that, you know, when a

loses their heads there and does something stupid, then they got to

You're telling me.

Yeah, or something, maybe some bad consequences.

Like what?

Well, like me having to leave my lodge after 19 years.

So that's why you're writing this.

Yes, yes. I gotta let this guy know how I feel.

You understand?

Sure. This guy insults Mrs. Camby.

So if he doesn't apologize, you're gonna resign from the lodge.

It's simple.

Jeez, how the hell did I blow that?

Why you didn't buy these rolls in those store, huh? No, I baked them myself.

It's an old family recipe.

Would you teach me?

Sure. I remember what my mother taught me.

I made my first batch the day my father came back from the war.

Boy, that was way back when, huh?

I didn't mean nothing by that except to say that that was the good old days, you

know? Hey, the nickel hot dog and...

And Joe DiMaggio there, nobody ever heard of him anywhere.

It was great days to be an American, right?

Not for everybody.

What do you mean by that?

It was very bad for the black people down south.

How would you know?

We studied the civil rights movements in school.

Gee, they spend an awful lot of time teaching that crap over there, but they

won't let you spray.

have separate restaurants and separate water fountains.

Am I right, Mrs. Candy?

Yes. And separate schools and churches and seats in the movies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But come on. That's all over. That's against the law now.

Did they learn you that?

We learned it was against the law.

But we didn't learn it was all over.

Well, maybe they'll get to that tomorrow.

Now, come on. Who's going to help me polish off the rest of the spuds there?

What else did they make you do?

Well, we always had to ride in the back of the bus, even when the front was

empty. Did you know that?

Don't look at me. I was up north riding the subways.

Come on, we're eating nice at the table here.

Can't we put a lid on all of this?

Yeah, I mean, it happened. There was people who had to ride in the back of

bus. Other people rode in front of the bus. Some people said, stay over there.

Other people said, stay over there.

And there was trouble about that. But, I mean, it's over. Look at Mrs. Campbell.

She came out of it okay, didn't you?

No.

What happened?

Come on, come on.

Please, let's cut it out. Now, Mrs.

Camby, she don't want to keep on hashing over a lot of things that a kid like

you don't need to know.

When I was your age, I saw my brother beaten to death.

By four men.

Because our car broke down on the white side of town.

Why do people act so crazy?

Just because of someone's color.

Don't be always asking me such hard questions, that kid.

That'll be Barney. I'll get it.

Is that you, Barney?

Yeah, I'm opening the door for you.

Can we stay outside on the porch?

Okay, sure.

We're in luck, Arch.

I just left Gordy, and he just took delivery of the golden fez with the

-red trimming, so he's in a good mood.

You got the letter?

There.

Well, come on, give it to me. I haven't got all night.

Can I do just one more thing with this?

Sure.

What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

Take that back to the man with the golden face.

I'm trying to put them pieces where the moon don't shine.

Know what I mean?

Where the moon don't shine.