Original subtitles

Now, wait a minute, Dan. This is what he called you. You don't have to get so

excited. You're crazy.

You want a housekeeper to work here from 2 .30 to midnight?

Well, not the whole time. I mean, you can sit down for about an hour after

dishes. You think I'm going to leave here that late at night, huh? And get

robbed, raped, and murdered? Come on, lady.

No job is perfect.

Until midnight.

Hey, Mr. Bunker, you don't want no housekeeper?

You want a vampire?

Let me tell you something here, lady. When I seen you coming in, that's what I

thought I was getting, a vampire.

Oh,

uh, I didn't see you through the door.

That's all right. Are you Mr. Bunker?

Yeah, yeah, that's me.

I'm Mrs. Ruth Simmons. I'm here about the housekeeper's position.

Oh, yeah, well, pleased to see you. Come on, step in, step in. Yes, please,

yeah. Was that, uh, angry woman who just left here one of the applicants?

No, no, that was a poor woman. She's got sleeping sickness, and she bangs doors

to keep herself awake.

Won't you sit down?

But over there, not in that chair there. This one's got a spring in it that

bothers women. I don't know why.

Take that one.

Oh,

here are my references.

Oh, yes, references. Oh, that's interesting.

Oh, I see you got two years at a veterinary clinic there. Well, I can

that. See, I'm a vet myself, WW2.

I tell you what I need here. I need somebody, you know, to do the shopping

the cooking and the cleaning up and all, but most important of all, I need

somebody to be here when my little niece comes home from school.

I see.

Then what would the hours be?

Let me show you the kitchen, then, is what he called it. Just follow me

the swinging doors here. As you see, it's a very, very large and spacious

kitchen, see?

And it would just suit the person of your dimensions.

Old -fashioned kitchen, but well -equipped there. I mean, this kitchen

features that you don't find in many kitchens nowadays.

Now, here's your stove over here.

Now, that's an almost new melolium floor there. That's very easy on the knees

when a woman wants to get down there and squawk.

And over here is your icebox, you see?

Open the door, the light comes on.

If you hit it once.

Well, twice is always the charm.

That's fine, but I really want to know what the hours are. Now, well, won't you

sit down, huh?

Yeah, that's right.

Uh, you want a beer?

No, thank you.

The hours.

The hours is the best part of the job. You only have to work on school days.

And you don't have to come to work until 2 .30, so you can get plenty of your

much -needed beauty vest.

So then I go home after dinner?

Sure, but you'll want to do the dishes first.

So the job is from about...

2 .30 to 7.

Well, give or take a few hours either side.

What's a few?

Five or six, you know.

You expect me to go home at midnight?

Well, no. I mean, if Johnny Carson's got a particularly funny show on there,

it's all yours.

Do you know how dangerous it is at night on those streets?

Five people in this city get murdered every night.

Your chances of being one of that misfortunate five is very slim.

Is this the back door?

Yes, yes, this is the back door. And here's another great convenience here

following me. Now, now this is very good. The back door leads directly out

to the yard, and then the yard leads directly to the street.

Good, that's where I'm going. Nice meeting you.

Well, wait a minute, wait a minute. What are you struggling to tell me here?

You don't want this job?

You got it.

Well, you can go take a run and jump into the Gowanus Canal.

Hey, Lars, you having a woman problem?

Oh, come on, Ned, don't be funny. You know I'm trying to hire a housekeeper

here. That was the 10th walk house.

Well, you got another solution, you know. You can always get rid of that bar

be a housewife.

And you can always quit being a cop and be a hairdresser.

You forgot your purse. Oh, a poise. He's got a poise there. Ain't he sweet?

I'm on vice this week.

I'm sorry, Ed. I don't see you as no dad.

I'm terrific in drag. Some bum thought he was mugging Diana Ross.

Hey, Arch, have you found a housekeeper yet?

Polly, nobody wants to put in the time, you know?

And what is it after all? Two -thirty to midnight. What's that?

Five and a half, six hours?

I gotta go.

Bye. Honey, what are you telling about Ellen?

Ellen who?

Ellen Canby, Ed's sister.

She's been living with us. You know, she might be interested in the job.

Does she do this kind of housekeeping work?

No, she's a dressmaker.

But I'm sure she can use the money she just separated from her husband.

Well, hey, that might be good, you know. I'm very convenient.

You know, her living just over there, I wouldn't even have to pay her no car

fare.

Now, wait a minute. I don't even know if she'll take it. But I'll talk to her

later, and if she's interested, I'll call you at the bar. Oh.

Well, Polly, when you're talking to her, you know, give me a kind of a build -up

there. What I mean to say is, mention some of my better qualities.

You know what I mean?

I'll think of something.

All right, that's swell, Polly.

There's only one thing that worries me.

She ain't what you call a regular housekeep. You know, she's one of them

dressmakers.

Hey, that's terrific. After she's done cooking and cleaning, she can make you a

spring ensemble.

Don't laugh at that.

Arch, we got a problem.

Kosminski lost us up again with the napkin order. Oh, gee, what did he do

time? Well, I opened the cart and there's 2 ,000 cocktail napkins saying,

up, it's a boy. Oh.

Oh, jeez, I never want to see that guy no more. Well, he's coming here tomorrow

at five.

No, you've got to talk to him, Murray. I can't do it. That cabbage -eating

bohunk.

They could bottle his breath and sell it for nerve gas.

Don't you see me getting this?

Archie Bunker's place. Hey, Bunker, here.

Oh, hey, that's great news there, Polly.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you what he do.

The kids do homeschool any minute now, see? Why don't you take your sister and

bring her over to the house so the two of them can meet, see?

And I'll stop her home now.

Yes. I'll be here in 15 minutes. Bye.

Wait a minute. What is this, half a day for you? Oh, quit your beefing, will

you? I don't say nothing when you pop out to the Turkish bed.

And the only kind of people who go there nowadays, I could say a lot.

You really made that?

Well, I didn't make this, but I made this.

And this?

Is it hard to make clothes?

Not when you know how. But it is hard to learn how.

Could you teach me?

Maybe. But first, let's learn this.

Now, your teacher marked you wrong because Columbus sails from Spain, not

Someone told me to write Ohio.

Maybe someone didn't understand the question.

I hope you can work here, Mrs. Canvey. Oh, thank you, Stephanie. I hope so,

Well, I'm home. Hiya, kiddo. Hi. Oh, hi there. Come over as fast as I could.

Well, well, well, you must be Miss what he called... Ellen Canby. Nice to meet

you. Well, very nice to meet you, too.

Mrs. Canby says Columbus came from Spain.

Well, who's arguing?

You said Ohio.

I didn't say Columbus come from Ohio. I said that Ohio was probably the first

place he landed. Nobody knows for sure.

Polly told me all about the job, and it sounds fine.

Oh, listen, the pay is good, and it's very convenient.

You know, all you got to do is come right across the yard.

And would you mind if I did some of my sewing over here?

No, no, no. You can do any of that stuff you want. See, the main thing is to

have somebody here for her, who she likes.

I like Mrs. Candy.

Oh, that's swell, swell.

Ah, the job is a natural for you, you know.

There's nobody better than you people when it comes to cooking and cleaning

straightening up other people's messes.

And you don't have to worry about none of the brain work connected with the

The brain work?

Well, there's a certain amount of mental work, you know.

Like sending out the grocery list and adding up the bills, checking the

accounts. I'll handle all of that.

Nobody expects you to do none of that.

Cool it.

Please.

What's the matter with you? I'm just trying to take a load off of the woman's

mind.

Mr. Bunker, you've got quite a load to take off your own mind.

What do you mean?

I didn't realize I was signing up to work on the old plantation.

But there's no yard work here. It's all inside.

And I suppose you'll have plenty of fried chicken and ribs for me?

Oh, yeah, I'll buy you anything you want to eat.

And watermelon.

Slightly, whenever it's in season.

Mr. Bunker, you'd better find someone else.

Find someone else? Why? I am no longer an applicant for the job.

Well, then what happened?

I thought we was getting along so good here.

You mean to say you really don't want this job?

That's right.

You can...

I'll let myself out.

You had a talk, didn't you?

Hey, don't be giving me no lip over here.

Mrs. Canby's probably a nice lady, and you couldn't keep your big mouth shut.

You wasn't there. How the hell do you know?

Let me tell you something. I was Mr.

Charm. It's true.

I offered the woman everything she has.

And then suddenly she turns on me wild -eyed.

What do you think it was?

It can only be one thing.

She's going through the chains.

You drove 11 applicants away?

No. Not one of them was willing to take the job? That ain't the point I'm trying

to tell you. None of them wants to wait the hours except one woman.

And she can't wait Thursdays. Why not? Thursdays she sees a parole officer.

Arch, I got the feeling that when you interview people, you don't use enough

tact. Oh, well, you don't know me very good. You ask Harry here.

I'm as tacky as the next guy, right?

More.

You blew it, Arch.

If you think you can do it better, then go and do it.

I can't hire a housekeeper for you.

I give you full authority there.

You be doing me a favor. Of course, if I got to talk to one more of them women,

I'm going to wind up weaving baskets in a hotel.

What if you don't like my choice?

I like it. I like it. Hey, there's one more woman coming over the house at 5 o

'clock. Go and hire her. I can't do it. Why?

Bye, boys.

That's why.

Merry, merry Christmas to you, son of a gun. Good to

see you.

You talk to him.

I'm going over to your house.

I'll get you a housekeeper.

Murray, remember three things from me, huh?

Don't talk about crime.

Don't talk about the hours.

And keep smiling.

I'll give you two out of three.

How you doing, Kaz?

Good to see you, Archie. Yeah, same here.

Oh, you like my napkins.

They was the wrong kind, Kaz.

I'll bring good ones tomorrow.

Now, don't do that, Kaz. Can't you send them by parcel post?

As a matter of fact, Kaz, you don't have to come here all the way from Benson

Heights no more.

How come?

We can do business just as easy on the phone.

Okay. Okay.

Would

you

like some company?

Sure.

I'm sorry your Uncle Archie and I didn't get along.

I really wanted you to work for us.

I get lonely around here.

I know. No, honey, I get lonely too.

I used to have so much fun with my Aunt Edith.

She would play the piano and I would sing with her until Uncle Archie would

a stifle.

Stephanie, just because I'm not working here doesn't mean you and I can't have

fun together.

Do you want to play cards with me?

Sure, come on over. I can't.

Why not?

I have to stay in the house when I'm alone.

I'm not even supposed to be out here.

Then I'll come over there.

Now, what would you like to play? Go fish or old maid?

Blackjack. And I better warn you, they call me the Jersey Kid.

Dealer takes one.

Pay 20.

19 again.

If this keeps up, I'm going to have to hock my sewing machine.

You're doing fine.

Uncle Archie owed me $45 ,000.

He says he's going to pay me off in Twinkies.

Who is it?

Marie.

Hi, sweetheart.

Well,

hello.

Are you here to see about the housekeeping job for Mr. Bunker? I saw

yesterday.

She rose above it.

I left.

This is our new neighbor.

Mrs. Canby.

Mrs. Canby. Oh, how do you do? I'm Murray Klein. I'm Archie Bunker's

partner. Oh, my condolences.

Thank you.

I'm sorry that you and Archie didn't hit it off.

We did.

Didn't we? We sure did.

I'm going to go make some tea.

That's the best thing I make. All I have to do is boil water.

Why didn't you take the job?

I don't know the words to Old Man River.

Now I understand.

You know, Mrs. Canby, first time I met Archie Bunker, I walked out.

But after a while, I learned how to make our partnership work.

I even got to like him.

You see, it's just that if...

His mouth is in overdrive and his mind is in reverse.

You can ask Pollyannette about that.

I don't know.

Mrs. Canby, can you see Archie raising that little girl alone?

I can't look.

You see, that's why she needs a person like you.

Why don't you just try it for a while?

See how it goes.

Even if I changed my mind, he would never hire me. He has given me the

to hire whomever I choose.

I choose you.

Mr. Klein, really, I... Well, just try it, please.

Just for Stephanie's sake.

Excuse me.

Hello, bunker residence.

Well, that's all right.

As a matter of fact, you don't have to come over here at all.

I think the position of housekeeper has been filled.

Do you hold on?

It's been filled.

Hey, kiddo, I'm home.

I'm in the kitchen.

Yeah, I can hear that.

Morrie Hyde is the housekeeper right here. Oh, yeah, she's great.

Yeah, great, great.

Bring me a beer, will you, hon?

Maybe things will get back to something like normal around here.

Thank you, darling.

You're welcome.

What are you doing back?

I'm the new housekeeper.

How did that happen? You told Mr. Klein to hire whoever he wanted.

I meant to exclude two women, Jane Fonda and you.

By the way, I fixed the light in your refrigerator.

Hi.

Don't you be giving me no highs. You know I ought to belt you one.

What have you been doing around here, huh?

How could you let Marie hire her? You're no dummy.

You know that her and me is like an emotionless force meeting a ridiculous

object.

She's a nice lady.

And I like her a lot.

But I don't.

She'll be here with me, not you.

Well, that's true.

You really like her?

A lot.

All right, all right. We can try her out.

A little while, but in the meantime, I'm going to comb the city of New York for

somebody you'll like even better.

All right.

All

right,

you're on.

We can try it out for about two weeks.

Oh, I was thinking about one.

Meantime, you better start looking for someone more sympathetic with your

outlook.

Okay, okay, swell.

We'll try it out. For one week. As long as you know your place.

Oh, I do.

It's right here.

White bread.

Archie.