Original subtitles

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Mr. Bunker. Hi there, Linda. How are the two of yous doing over there?

I think I'm getting hustled.

Yeah, she ain't giving you no trouble, is she? Beating the pants off me at

poker. Let's settle up.

Well, I guess I owe you a few bucks there, Linda.

So you've been here, what, four or five hours?

Six.

Six, yeah. How much an hour is that?

Two dollars an hour.

But she ate something there, didn't she?

It comes with it.

All right. So what is that, $10, $11, huh? $12.

Well, at this rate, I better give you the bar. I'll stay home and take care of

the kids.

Well, easy come, easy go.

There you are. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold it, hold it. We're just

playing for real money here?

Of course.

Give her back her money.

No. Don't say no to me.

I want it. Really, it's fair. Fair, Mr. Bunker. Wait a minute. All right, fair.

I'll tell you what's fair. You were playing cards in my house, so the house

a cut, right?

How much?

It's here much.

You take that, Linda. No, Mr. Bunker, I couldn't. All right, I know what's fair.

Just call that your tip.

Well, thanks, Mr.

Bunker. Next time we'll play Scrabble. Yeah, do that. I'll play dolls.

Dolls?

All right, anything.

Play anything, but let it be something decent, huh?

Thanks very much for helping us out here, Linda.

Really, much obliged. How's everything going down to the restaurant?

It's fine. Murray handles us girls very well.

Oh, oh. What do you mean he handles you girls?

No, I mean he's real nice to the waitresses.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Okay, Linda. Thanks again. Good night.

How about a little five -car draw?

Deuces wild, jacks are better.

How about a little brush your teeth, get in your pajamas, and go to sleep?

How do you play?

Don't be a wise guy, huh? Come on, get up them stairs.

That's a disgrace.

A little girl like you growing up to be a car shark. Party pooper.

Never mind that.

You ought to be damn glad that I took your weight in that low -class family

was raising you.

I was just trying to make some money to help you pay your taxes. Well, never

mind my taxes.

Come here, come here, come here. What are you talking about? What do you know

about my taxes?

You got a postcard in the mail.

Oh, yeah?

It's from the county tax assessor.

It says the value of the property has gone up. Oh.

Well, they don't have to send me no postcards to tell me that. I know that.

Smartest thing I ever done in my life was to buy this beautiful home.

The adjusted taxes are $1 ,242.

Let me see that thing.

$1 ,242?

For this dump?

Thanks, Leonard.

Can't you find a nicer word for your house than dump?

Well, what would you suggest?

I'd call it an eyesore.

Call it anything you want. All I know is I've had it. This here tax notice is

the last straw that busted the camel's hump.

I've always loved your house, Sarge.

I've been thinking about selling that house for the longest time.

You never told me about that.

Well, I didn't tell you about my prostrate problem, either.

Oh, no, it's just that the house seems just too big now.

You'd leave Houser Street after all these years.

Where would you move to?

Oh, maybe right around here. Maybe I'd buy one of them new co -op compartments.

There you go.

Excuse me.

Did I hear you say you were interested in selling your house?

Well...

Allison Flanders, Elmhurst Real Estate.

Mr., um... Oh, me? I'm Archie Bunker. I own the place.

We own the place.

You know, your neighborhood is very hot right now.

You should have been here in August.

No. I mean, this is becoming a desirable neighborhood.

Young couples are buying these old run -down houses and renovating them. Mrs.

Flanders? Um, just a second. Just a second, huh?

So, uh, that's interesting. So, uh, what would a beautiful house like mine, uh,

fetch nowadays?

Uh, where's it located?

Right across the street from mine.

That don't help a none.

What the hell do you think you are, a national shrine?

704 Howser Street is very near Northern Boulevard. In fact, you could hit it

from there with a beer can.

I just got 75 for a three -bed, two -bath in that area.

Oh, gee, well, that's just like mine, isn't it? No, you got two beds and one

bath.

Who the hell needs more than one, sir? Let's see.

So, uh, so what do you think we could get with it there, uh, Miss, uh, what do

you call?

Flanders. Yeah.

Miss?

Mrs. Happy.

What do you think?

Well, I'm 62, 63 maybe.

And I have some fabulous co -op listings.

Oh, that's very interesting. We were just talking about that. I might like to

buy one of them.

I just love helping people.

A lot of people need help.

Now, when would you like me to show you some co -ops? How's tomorrow morning at

10? Good for me.

I'll take the 10 o 'clock appointment.

Mr. Bunker, I am so glad you have chosen me to be your real estate agent.

I'll see you tomorrow at ten, huh? Yes, at ten. Thank you. Bye.

Bye there. Bye.

Bye.

He's quite a talker, ain't she?

Say the least. Hey, Arch, don't do anything foolish.

Oh, shut up.

When did I ever do anything foolish?

Well, what do you think?

I don't know about you, but when I...

Please. What did he do?

Will you stop that?

Isn't it charming?

Now, it's a few dollars more than the other two we've looked at, but I think

you'll agree.

I'll agree to anything.

Newly paid?

Just last week.

I'd say three weeks ago.

What do you think, Archie? Oh, I can't tell the difference between one week and

three weeks.

No, I mean, do you like the place? I think it's perfect.

Oh, well, the place, yeah. Well, it is very nice, but I don't know.

For some reason, it feels empty.

They design it that way so you can put your furniture in it.

Oh, sure.

I never thought of that. I'm not surprised.

I should tell you that this is the last... listing in your price range, Mr.

Bunker. Oh, oh, well, then I guess we better look at it. You want to show us?

Sure, sure, I'd love to. Now, I think by far the most wonderful feature of this

entire co -op is this incredible view. I mean, just take a look out that window,

huh? Oh, great.

Oh, the view is over this way, Mr. Bunker.

And look at them two guys on the roof down there.

Is one of them guys mugging the other one?

That's not mugging, Arch.

Oh, my God.

You may be asking yourself, what about security, huh? Yeah, yeah. What about

security? Well, this is the comm center.

I see you can talk with people downstairs. You can buzz them in. I

buzz them off, too, huh?

And now, the kitchen. Yeah, let's see the kitchen. The kitchen is a gourmet

chef's dream.

All built in.

Your ice maker, your food processor, your cooking surface, your trash

Where's the stove?

That's the stove.

That's the stove? That's the stove.

You mean you cook on it? You cook on it. You mean right on it?

Well,

I can see it working for pancakes, but, you know, soups and gravies and that

wouldn't just run all over the air, sir.

Not if you use a pot.

I want to show you the bedrooms. I love this floor plan.

Excuse me, I didn't hear the price.

Oh, $59 ,400.

Now, this is the second bedroom. I think it's an absolutely perfect size for a

little girl like your Stephanie.

Well, yeah, it's a lot bigger than what she's got.

If I can only talk, I'm ready to move. No problem, no problem.

Now, let's take a look at the master bedroom. Let's.

Uh, yeah, Murray, go ahead. You check the master bedroom. I gotta take a

here. Right.

Murray!

Uh,

Mr. Van, I brought you along because, uh, I need your advice, you know. I

what do you think of me moving in here?

Well, I, uh, I haven't seen the place. Oh, well, it's very beautiful.

It, uh, Feels big for the price.

Now, your capital gains can be offset by the interest payments.

I really don't want to ask you about the financials, you know. It was like

personal, see.

I hate to sell that old house, you know.

But then again, I mean, with Edith gone, I can't stand

it, you know.

I understand.

We're waiting for you.

All right, I'll be right with you.

No hurry, Arch.

It's like a child always grab a sweet.

It's just that every place I look there, you know, everything in it just

reminds me.

I know it's hard.

But with time, the pain will lessen, and the memories will grow sweeter.

Well, yeah, but I don't want to wait that long, you know.

I want to move out of there and get into some place like this where I can have

new memories right away.

Well, if that's what you want to do, I'll do it.

I'll do it. Thanks for the advice, Mr. Bungie. Thank you very much.

Please, come and look at the master bedroom. I don't want to look at that.

please. Oh, I already made my mind. Oh, but Mr. Bungie... I mean, I'm going to

take the joint.

Wonderful. And I'll get rid of your house in no time.

Not soon, huh?

We'll have an open house on Sunday. We'll bring in a buyer, and you will be

finished with that old place for good.

Our new home, huh?

Don't it knock you out?

Stephanie, just take a look at this place, will you? Look, it's all brand

It's your own bathroom, your own room. It's all on one floor.

Look around, sweetheart.

Go ahead. Go ahead, baby. Take your time.

That one's going to be your room.

Yeah. Well, that's the master bedroom, Steph.

And that's the intercom. That's the kitchen where you can... Now,

come on. What is this now?

You've got to let us show you around like the real estate lady showed us

Now, come on. It's ugly.

It's not nice like our old house.

What do you mean nice? Our old house is a dump.

Here,

look at that view.

Yeah, now there's a view. Hold it, hold it, hold it. I don't trust that view.

Show us something else first.

Well, uh, how about... Oh, look.

Stephanie, look at this rug, will you? Feel it, huh?

Feel it. You don't feel a rug like that? How soft that is there.

Oh, you can walk to school and play on it. You can roll around in that all day.

That's a beautiful... That's something you don't find in many apartments.

You know, carpeting all over. Shag.

Shag, beautiful.

You know the great thing about shag, too?

You never have to clean it. The dirt works its way down in there and gets

Ain't that right?

Mrs. Christie.

I don't want to move.

You what?

I don't want to move.

You see what you've done?

I want to go home.

There's no use in talking.

We're going to move out of this place no matter what you say.

We ain't got no beautiful view in this room.

You feel a cold draft running across your feet there?

That's because we ain't got no beautiful shag rug in here.

And then while you're eating your breakfast, don't you feel a certain lack

security here?

You don't want to fix her up, but this is by far the best listing I have. Why?

Well, just look around.

Have you ever seen a place that could use more fixing up, huh?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What do you do in the open house? Oh,

well, this was the only time that John and Sylvia here could take a look at the

place, and I thought to myself, well, why not just start the open house a

early? Well, I know what you mean, but look at us. We ain't even dressed here,

and look at the way the place looks.

It's just that this is Butterfly's day off.

What are you measuring, Bud?

I got some great stained glass.

Oh. Uh, Sylvia and John, this is Mr. Bunker.

Yeah, nice to meet the two of yous there.

Serious buyers.

Oh, well, welcome, welcome.

Yeah, yous are gonna love the place, right, kid?

I'm going to go to my room.

Yeah, that's right. Go out to your room there.

A little, darling.

May I make your bed, will you?

Of course. This is the living room, dining area. Yeah.

Do you call this, uh, Victorian?

Uh, well, I would say it's more like Herbert Hoover.

It's got possibility.

It's like the Cooper's house before they made it livable, remember?

Livable? What do you mean livable? I've been living in this house for over 30

years, and without the Coopers.

The kitchen is right through here.

Uncle Orson, the pipes are leaking again! Ah, shut up!

Don't believe that kid. She's lying.

These pipes block, but they never leak.

God.

Think of the tremendous challenge involved in bringing this kitchen back

life, huh? 12 -1. Very big, huh?

That's one thing. It's a very roomy kitchen here. It's a great kitchen,

I want to tell you, thousands of delicious meals have been cooked in this

kitchen. Right here on this stove, huh?

See here?

Real fire comes out of them four holes.

Sometimes the flame leaps up to that height there when the neighbors ain't

the gas.

And we leave it at that.

There's another thing you get for free. See, wrote on the cover wall there?

Here's a lovely recipe for chicken divine.

We were hoping the kitchen would be in better shape. Well, that's a gut this

whole thing.

Guts? What do you mean, guts?

Uh, well, we'll talk about it later.

Let's focus on the possibilities of the living room.

Uh, what does he mean, guts?

There are so many wonderful things you can do in here.

Sure, you can do anything in here.

You can play cards, drink beer, and watch TV.

That's all there is to life.

No, there's more, but you don't do it in the living room.

We could probably raise the ceiling to the roof. Make part of the upstairs a

loft. Oh, that's brilliant.

Wait a minute, buddy. What do you want to do that for? This is a house. It

a barn.

She's lying. The kid lies all day long.

I don't know if we could salvage this woodwork. It's pretty chewed up. No, no,

no, lady, that ain't chewed up. Don't you see what that is? There's growth

there. That's from the kids in this house that was growing here, see? Hey,

here. Here's my little daughter Gloria when she was that height, and there she

is there, see?

Here's my little grandson Joey there.

And there's here Stephanie, the little liar upstairs.

Mr. Bunker, uh, Mr. Bunker?

Who cares?

No one will recognize this place when you get through with it. Wait a minute.

Who cares? I care.

I care. And the kid cares up there.

Now, I had just about enough talk of open house surgery.

As a matter of fact, the open house is closed.

What do you mean?

I mean I ain't gonna let no tearing up be done around here. This might just be

four walls and a ceiling to you, buddy, but this is our home.

Come over here. Come over here. I want to tell you something.

You know what I'd like you to do? I'd like you to take these two roomies the

hell out of here.

You bring them over there to that co -op there. Show them that. They'll buy

that. They can gut it. They can burn it. They can shove a loft in it.

I'm sorry. Let's not waste any more time here.

I have a wonderful little place. Just a teeny... tiny walk from here. Now, it's

not quite as run down as this is, but I think it's even more of a challenge. Oh,

really? Why?

It used to be a filling station. Filling station? Interesting.

High tech.

Are you mad at me?

Yeah, I'm mad at you. I'm sorry. I forgive you.

Well, I'll tell you this, Sue, I didn't care much when I caught myself.

It was awful.

Well, like you said, it was ugly.

I never liked all them blank bare walls. God, I hate bare walls.

I always liked wallpaper.

You know why I like wallpaper?

Why?

Because everywhere you look, you see a picture.

Smells better here, too.

Yeah.

I'll tell you something.

If Yumi's gonna stay here,

You got to pull all this together, you know.

The first thing we got to do is get ourselves a housekeeper.

Why do we need a housekeeper?

Because you don't do that good.

We need some nice lady in here.

Who'll cook for us, clean up the joint, you know.

Somebody who's old enough to run out and buy beer.

I really love this place.

Yeah, I hear you. It don't need much fixing up.

There's only one thing that this place needs that would make it perfect.

What?

A beautiful shag rug.

Coming up next, our double shot of Bunker continues with another episode of

Archie Bunker's Place. Stay tuned to TV Land twice as night.

And don't forget to tip your bartender.