Original subtitles

There's your dead soldiers there, Harry.

We didn't keep the swizzle stick.

Why would you need a swizzle stick for a straight ride?

To mix in the bitters and the mousse.

Get a load of this with you?

10 .30 in the morning.

I'm in Manhattan.

Why?

Because the Manhattan helps me forget I'm working in Queens.

And after one of these, even you start to look better.

Listen, lady, any time you don't like what you hear... Oh, she likes it, we

her. Shut up.

Hey, listen, wise guy, don't push me. I get offers all the time.

Even from California.

Oh, California.

Where they got all the earthquakes, the landslides, and the mud.

Three ways crowded with Arabs.

They also got Charlie's Angels out there.

Oh, hey, that's right, Charlie's Angels.

Maybe she could be one of them, huh?

Except I don't want to shave my leg.

Here's an interesting story.

It's about a guy who's been blind for 20 years.

What a hangover.

Anyway,

he's been blind for 20 years. Now he can see again. And his doctor is right here

in New York City.

So what?

So what?

So I'm thinking about somebody we know.

Yeah, who?

Who's he mean, Mr. Van Rensselaer?

That's swift thinking, Arch.

You know, I can never think of that man as really blind.

Well, anyway, the operation is called a vitrectomy.

Oh, come on, Barney, don't show your riggedness. A vitrectomy, that ain't for

your eyes, that's for your privates.

Let's have a look. No!

Not at you, the paper.

I said a vitrectomy, Arch, not a vasectomy.

It's a new operation, done under a microscope.

Come on, a microscope, that's impossible.

It says so right there in the paper.

How the hell are you going to get a whole portion out of one of them little

glass slides?

The site has been restored in otherwise hopeless cases.

Wouldn't it be great if something like that could restore Mr. Van Aard's sight?

Mm, yeah.

Why is he blind?

Because he can't see nothing.

This is the operation that works for anybody who has detached retinas.

Well, why don't we ask him what he's got?

Well, I think we ought to think about that. He might be very sensitive about

whole thing. Hey, hey, Murray's right. You know, you want to ask a question

that in a very, what do you call, roundabout way.

Okay, so what do you suggest?

Uh, well, uh, here.

You could ask him if he's seen any good movies lately.

And when he says no, which he probably won't, then you ask, how come?

Do I detect an air of mystery hanging in here?

Uh, oh, well, maybe she's cooking hash out there.

We were just discussing the news of the day, Mr. Van Aert.

Huh?

Anything happy for a change?

Well, maybe.

Go ahead, Barney. There's your opening. Tell them.

Don't shush me, Hal.

What is it, Arch?

You tell me.

Uh, well, uh, maybe there's some good news, Mr. Vannar, but, uh, I gotta break

it to you easy, you know? I gotta first ask you a question.

Watch roundabout, roundabout.

Please, I know what I'm doing.

Why are you blind?

I'm doing the best I can here.

But it's a long, uninteresting story.

Oh, no, come on. You can tell me. I mean, I'm interested in all my

misfortunes. You never let me talk about my divorce.

Your divorce was a stroke of luck, like mine.

I also had a gallbladder operation.

Barney, I'd like to hear about your operation. So would I.

exposing yourself. She's looking over here.

Mr. Van Arn, tell me, how did this thing happen? Was one of them childhood

accidents there, or was it what you call congenitals?

Well, you know, that's when all your ancestors was blind, too.

Archie, leave the man alone, will you?

How about a little eye -opener, Mr. Vannar? Oh, my God.

Listen,

Mr. Vannar, see, maybe there's a way to get your eyesight back. Barney found it

in the paper there. It all depends if you got the, what do you call that?

Detached retinas.

Yes, if you're lucky enough to have them.

Archie, if I tell you...

Can we move on to some new topics?

Oh, yeah, sure.

You promise? I'll give you my word.

Yes.

Detached retinas.

Both eyes?

Both eyes.

Now, listen, Mr. Archie, you promised to drop this.

Yeah, but I had my fingers crossed. You couldn't have noticed.

Mr. Banner, I respect your privacy, and we're not going to pursue this subject

anymore, are we? Hurry.

Read him the article in the paper.

It's the new operation.

Mr. Van Orr?

It's performed under microscopes.

Read it, Murray.

Don't trouble Murray.

I've got some shopping to do.

I think I'll do it right now.

Hey, don't go, Mr. Van Rensselaer.

I'm just going to read you the stock market and the sports.

Forget it, Murray. Murray, Murray, do something. Stop him. I can't stop him.

What are you talking about? This is for his own good. Hey, take his cane away.

What?

I don't want an operation, and I don't want to discuss it anymore.

What's the matter with him?

Do you suppose he likes being blind?

Do you like being stupid?

I love it.

Well, that's good, Barney. Of course, there ain't no operation for that.

Maybe he ain't got the money.

Well, why didn't he say so?

Well, some people are too proud to say they're broke.

My ex was like that.

Proud? Broke.

Say, wait a minute.

Maybe we could raise the money amongst ourselves.

I got it.

We'll sell chances and give away a car.

Where are we going to get a car?

We'll take up a collection and buy one. Why don't we just raise the money for an

operation?

Who the hell's going to buy a chance on an operation?

He means give the money directly to Mr. Van Rensselaer.

Yeah.

Oh, wouldn't that be beautiful?

Mr. Van Rensselaer getting the gift of his sight back.

Gee, that's just what happened to young Lance Prentiss on the Young and the

Restless. Only Lance was required.

He was impotent.

Now,

suppose we raise the money and he still doesn't want to go.

You know what we can do?

We can don't tell him where he's going until he gets there.

Where are you going to don't tell him where he's going?

I don't know, Murray. Geez, pick a place. Coney Island.

You mean to tell me he's not going to know the difference between a doctor's

office and Coney Island?

Well, how is he going to know that he ain't in Coney Island if he can't see?

He can smell, can't he?

This doctor finally restored Lance's manhood to him. Give us a

break here.

It's a very beautiful story.

And you, Murray, you're getting in the way of this thing. You're supposed to be

the big do -gooder around here.

Archie, I'm all for doing good. But you can't force a man to go to a doctor.

Listen, I'll handle this. You'll do what?

Yes.

You stay out of this. I'll get him there, and he won't know where he's

And as usual, neither will you.

You'll see.

You'll see. You'll see. All of you will see.

Except maybe you.

If that's you trying to get me to go to Coney Island again, Arch, I'm going to

call the cops, I swear.

It's me.

Oh.

You mean it's I.

No, it's you in there, but it's me out here.

All right.

I never turned a lady away because of grammar.

You just come from school?

No, school's out. I just came from the joint.

The what?

You know, the restaurant.

Oh. Came to bring you a message.

Message?

From Archie?

Well, it's like from everybody.

They're all sorry they put it in where they shouldn't have.

And they won't do it anymore.

Okay.

Message received.

And they love you.

They said that?

No, men don't say that. But they do love you.

They even had an argument.

Mary said you hadn't been in for six days, and Archie said seven.

It's five.

And Veronica cried.

She did?

Because you won't go to that doctor in the paper.

You know what they did?

They all collected a thousand dollars for you.

I was standing in this other doorway here.

Why?

Well, there's a draft in the hall.

You want to hide, you could stand in front of me.

Keep forgetting that, you know.

So you want me to meet this famous Dr.

George Larkin?

No, no, no, Mr.

Van, no, no, no. If you don't want that, we can forget about that. I ain't going

to push that no more.

I imagine it's difficult to get an appointment with him anyway.

Oh, well, I imagine that it's definitely probably impossible, yes.

Well, then.

Well, we got one at four o 'clock this afternoon.

Okay.

Okay. Well, it's well.

Archie Bunker's place.

What's that?

A bar and grill in Queens where I'd talk with my fellow man.

A thousand dollars for what?

A down payment for the newest retin operation.

Oh, that newspaper story was misleading.

George, I assure you, I wasn't misled.

And what's all this about?

Friendship. The guys at the saloon raised that money last week.

I had to respond by...

Going through the motions.

That overweight chap who brought you here, who's he?

That's Archie Bunker.

Mr. Bunker? Yeah, yeah.

I was just strolling around here.

What is he looking at?

Feeds the magazines.

Some people, they...

You can't mind their own businesses, you know.

I was just reading your badge there.

Are you a slow reader?

Interesting what was in there.

What I meant to say is Morales.

That would be what?

My name.

Yeah, I figured that.

I've always been interested in where names come from.

This one came from my mother and father.

Nowadays, you know, when so many of your Puerto Rican people do no fault of

their own, they don't know who made the Conjugio connections.

Mr. Bunker, my family is from Mexico.

Oh, oh, gee.

Well, what do you know?

Mexico, huh? Well, you must have been smuggled out of there at a very early

Only I can tell by how good you speak your English there.

But on the subject of names, see, I'm surprised to see a doctor like this

particularly a specialist, who ain't got a real doctor name.

What's a real doctor name?

Well, uh, for instance, uh, Weinberger Shapiro, like that.

Didn't you ever look in a phone book?

See, uh...

Your boss, this Larkin, see, that's an Irish name, you know, Irish.

And maybe that ain't too good.

Why not?

I mean, an eye surgery, you know, it's so...

Well, I mean, it ain't like laying bricks,

is it?

Exactly what is bothering you, Mr. Bunker?

Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing. It's just that for my friend's sake, you know,

I... If you're finished reading your magazines, look off into space,

huh?

I just want to make sure that this guy Larkin here is the best man.

He's the only man, Mr. Bunker.

You came anyway.

It's been two years.

It's nice to see you.

I wish I could say the same about you.

You look well.

Thanks. You sound well.

But I feel a little foolish.

You gave me a brilliant tip on Syntrex computers, remember?

Oh, don't tell me you didn't buy.

Well, at $2 .50 a share, it seemed too cheap to be good.

Oh, that's too bad, George.

It reached 35 today.

How much did you make?

A quarter of a million dollars?

Oh, no, no, no, nothing like that.

162 ,500.

Well, that's not bad.

I've done worse.

You've done better, too.

Those friends of yours, don't they know anything about you?

They know I'm a veteran with a pension.

That's all we need to know.

I want to keep things equal.

What they don't know is that doctors can't help me.

That's what I need you to tell them.

Won't they believe you?

They don't want to believe me.

Why?

They love me.

Eat your liver.

No.

It's filthy.

Then why is it dead?

Here they are!

Hey, guys.

I think he's here. Here we are. Here we are.

May I introduce Dr. George

Larkin. Hello, George. How do you do?

Hey, Doc, stand up.

Stephanie. Stephanie. Here you go, Doc. Now make yourself comfortable. Molly,

come get the drink ordered on the house.

Yeah, I will, except that if Doc needs to stop.

Who says so?

Well, I thought, you know, as long as she wasn't laying bricks.

Broken old -fashioned. Not too sweet.

Well, there'll be it for everybody else.

Mr.

Vianna.

Welcome home.

Veronica, I missed you.

Tell us what we're all waiting to hear.

I'm going to let the doctor do the talking.

Well, the operation you read about isn't for everybody.

And it isn't for our good friend, who, by the way, I've known for years.

Why?

He'd be the first one I'd call if I could help him.

Well, you mean there's no hope?

I don't believe in no hope.

Well, neither do I. I mean, marvelous things are happening all the time,

Here's the...

Check for a thousand.

You just have to imagine how much it meant to me. I can't touch it.

I almost hate to take it back.

Funny, me too.

Yeah, it seems a shame that once it's raised, it's not going to be used for

something good.

Well, I run a research clinic, and we could always use the money.

George, what about that fellow that used to make contributions to your clinic?

Oh, he still does.

He still does.

He's a very well -to -do man who made a fortune on the stock market.

He matches contributions ten to one.

Oh, you mean to say we left $5 ,000 in there, it could turn

into something in the neighborhood of $10 ,000?

That's for a research clinic.

I'll buy that. So will I.

Got it, Doc. Well, that's great. She's amazing, that, huh? A guy marching for

charity there.

Ten to one.

That's an honest regard for Landry.

Most approved.

Sometimes the rich give it back.

Yeah, and why shouldn't they? They got it easy.

They don't have problems like the rest of us. Right, Mr. Van Orr?

True.

True. Okay, Molly, save me, Doc. Get him out there, Molly.

We'll drink to what? We'll drink to France.