Original subtitles

If you were the only boy in the world.

And I were the only girl.

That's not a good song for you, Freddy.

Hey, Freddy, there's customers coming in for lunch. What are you reading?

Sorry. It's a law book.

In the summer, he's going to pass the bar.

This is the winter. Let him pass the menu.

Where are you going?

I just lost track of time.

Why does he have to talk like that?

Why does it cat me out?

Because the Lord didn't want him to bark.

There's your answer.

Hey, look, don't you worry about Fred till he invites you to the prom.

Oh, come on. Oh,

come on. He does his work, don't he?

It's what he does after work that I don't like thinking about.

Well, then don't think about it.

Think about things that make you happy, like mass arrests and foreign wars.

Don't be smart, huh?

What? No, no, no, no.

How's he doing studying law?

Because he's got brains.

He ain't going to wait tables all his life.

Well, I don't think they're going to let a guy like that be a lawyer.

Or should I say, a lawyeress.

Do you think they will?

They? Who is they?

They?

They is the ones that say yes or no, do or don't, stop or go.

They is the ones who run this world.

Oh, yeah. You mean them day.

Yeah. Yeah.

See, I thought in this country, we was supposed to be they.

Oh, don't make me laugh, huh? If you and me was they, would we have so many

little problems?

Well, if you were they, we'd have one big problem.

I hate that.

Baked potato with that, Tom?

Yeah, that sounds good.

Salisbury Steak Media, baked potato.

How you doing there, George? Hey, you was cops gaining on the criminals?

They're still way ahead of us, Arch. Oh, jeez, what a world, huh?

How you doing, Tommy? Hey, Arch, I haven't seen you at the lodge lately.

Well, I ain't got no time. I'm an entrepreneur now.

You know they wanted to make you Santa Claus at the Christmas party. Oh, I

no more as that. I done that once.

Kid hops up on my lap there and makes a warm sissy all over the bed soon.

You want to eat here at the bar, Tom?

Yeah, yeah, right, yeah. Well, why at the bar? We got nice, comfortable

I know, but I'm comfortable where I am. Ah, come on, Harvey. Bring his lunch to

a table. No, no, no. I don't want to eat in there.

What's the matter with our tables?

Nothing, but, uh... Well, that blonde boy, the waiter, he still work here?

Fred, yeah.

Well, do me a favor. Let me eat at the bar, huh?

What's the matter with Fred?

Hold it, Harry. Geez, we know what's the matter with Fred.

The question is, has he been giving Tom any trouble here? Did he?

No, not exactly trouble.

Trouble? What trouble? Trouble with Fred. I knew damn well this was going to

happen. Oh, hey, listen, fellas. I got nothing against queers, but you make me

nervous, that's all. Did Fred make a pass at you?

Hey, I came in for lunch.

Let's just forget it. Tom, what happened?

Ah, you know, me, I'm like him. Live and let live guy.

You know what I mean? I know exactly what you mean.

All right, so I put out money for a restaurant meal. I like to be able to

Fred did make a pass at you, huh?

No, but I just don't want to worry about that possibility.

Well, you don't have to worry. Come on inside. I'll wait on you myself.

Look, let me just eat at the bar, huh, fellas?

But I want to tell you something.

It won't be long until that kid's towels start hanging out in here.

I told you, they'll be coming into our place.

You take it easy. They haven't so far.

Well, they will.

They always do.

I mean, I know a nice place just like this in Flushing, and they ruined it.

It'd become a pickup joint.

Pickup!

There's Tom's lunch.

Take it easy.

I could take you to that place in Flushing, Arch, but they might say we

item. Don't do it.

These people are looking here.

Hey, George, why don't you and the cops close up them places?

Tell you what, Arch, too many of our leading citizens want them places open.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hey, there, little girl. You got a big smooch for the man that gives you bread

and board?

Nope.

That's me. Come on. You got me a C.

I'm talking about Fred.

Hey, look, you got me an A.

Oh, well, congratulations.

Hey, hey, but you got yourself that A. I just showed you how to get it.

Hey, kid, I got a piece of coconut cream pie in here with your name on it.

Yummy.

There goes the teeth. Haven't you got any fruit in there?

I see fruit out here.

Geez, a real funny guy like you ought to be wearing your lunch on your head.

Want me to come out there and show you the right angle?

Veronica, no violence, Tom, because we're just... All right,

Tom, just eat your lunch, and enjoy yourself. We'll take care of this other

thing here.

Murray, come on, I've got to see you in the office.

Hey, Linda from the laundry didn't show what our towels.

Well, what do you want me to do, crochet you up a batch?

What are we going to do about Fred?

We're going to do nothing.

Didn't you hear Tom out there? That kid Fred is going to turn our bar and grill

into a fairy land.

Arch, that kid has never brought one of his friends in here.

Not one.

Just because one of your redneck pals has lost his... I'm a little poisoned.

Hey, hey, hey, that pal of mine out there happens to be a Mr. All -American

.I. Joe veteran. That's the voice of the average man.

Well, let's raise the average.

How?

Ignore him?

Murray, you want to have three Felix in here?

I mean, his, hers.

And there's... I don't want to hear any more about

Fred. He's a good waiter.

I like him. End of story.

You like him? Yes, don't you?

The question is, would you like him to marry your brother?

I don't care who he marries.

Oh, well, you don't. Yeah, I meant the big liberal here.

But it would kill your little mother.

He's got the gold.

Unless, of course, you can figure some way to turn him around.

Me figure?

Well, you're the one that wants him.

I got it.

I got it.

We'll let him look at Playboy magazine.

Well, wait a minute. That's a start.

Let him see what he's messing with.

God knows it's all in there.

And I see magazines even worse than Playboy. So do I. My dirty pictures.

It's filthy.

Show me.

You'll see what normal sex really is like.

And then...

We've picked them up with a hooker. No, no, no, no, Murray. Not a hooker. A nice

girl. A nice girl?

Yes, sure. You see, when a guy's carnival instincts is rough, you know

mean?

That's when you need a nice girl to torture him by saying no.

The minute he's tortured.

He's as normal as the rest of us.

Ho,

ho, ho. What's this I hear out here?

Murray.

Murray, did you hear that out there, what I just heard, huh?

I didn't hear anything, Arch. Will you please just let me rest here?

Murray, it's the answer to a prayer.

It's Linda from the laundry. She's out there talking to Fred, huh?

Don't you see my idea, huh? Oh, Arch, please, don't mess around. I was only

kidding. You just can't change these things.

All right.

He ain't got no guts to do this. I'll handle it.

Well, what a surprise, Linda, from the laundry.

Well, Mr. Bunker, you see me every day.

Uh, yeah, I know, but today you seem to... Linda, why don't you sit down and

have a cup of coffee on us? Sure. Thank you, Mr. Bunker. Yeah.

Well, so, uh, what?

How's business?

You know, the laundry.

Always cleaning up. Oh, hey, hey.

She's got a sense of humor, huh? Ain't that great, Fred? It's wonderful.

Yeah. Well, go on, get some coffee.

Hey, Archie.

Lock in there, will you? Will you let me handle this?

I told you, go out and buy the dirty magazines. I don't want no part of this.

What's this? What's this? Linda, you enjoy skating?

Yeah, it's my favorite sport.

Oh,

well, ain't that nice? You know, I think Fred enjoys skating. Aren't you, Fred?

I try a little of everything.

Stay on your skates.

You know, an idea just come into my head here.

Why don't the two of you take Stephanie down to the roller rink tonight, huh?

I can't let her go by herself, you know, and I ain't no good on skates.

But, Uncle Archie... Tell you what, Fred, you take the night off, and I'll

spring for the admissions for all of you.

Sure, why not?

Hey, that's nice. What do you say, Linda? Sure.

I'd love the company.

Well, then it's all settled.

But, Uncle Archie... Use two, gotta date. What I mean to say is that use

gotta date.

You know I have a piano lesson tonight.

Oh, that's right. I forgot. Too bad.

But, hey, hey, never let it be said I'm one of the Welsh on the North, but a kid

can't go. But you two can go. Here's the $10, Fred.

I can't believe this.

I'll meet you at the rink at 8. I'll be there.

Thanks, Bart.

Don't mention it. Don't mention it. Thanks for the coffee, Mr. Bunker. Don't

mention it, little girl. All I want is just to have a nice time tonight.

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen.

What are you talking... You put the idea in my head.

Hey, fellas.

I know what you're trying to do, but it ain't gonna work.

All right, all right. So long, Tom.

I don't like that guy.

That guy is a large brother of mine.

I'm worried we're doing the right thing. At least we're trying.

Not we, you.

I'm telling you, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

I know.

But then, drinking ain't what I have in mind.

All right, okay, here's that sugar we ain't got.

I'm putting it over here for you there.

Okay. Hey, Fred, what are you doing in the oil? You know you don't go on the

payroll till 11 o 'clock.

He's doing his homework.

I can see that, but homework is for home.

I haven't been home.

Uh,

where you been?

I believe that it's his business.

Hey, I believe it's also mine. I got $10 invested in this.

Maybe he spent the night at Linda's.

Doing what?

Gozando y jugando con la muchachita.

Hi. Hi.

Can you do that all night?

Se depende.

We were just talking, Mr. Bunker.

Did she talk you into something or talk you out of something?

Murray, why be dirty?

Linda and I became friends.

Nothing happened.

Nothing that should interest you.

Something happened.

Will you guys just lay off of him?

He don't kiss and tell.

Do you, Fred?

No. And I don't do anything else until... What did he mean by that?

Stop a -stocking it, will you? Come on, we gotta go over the menu for tonight.

I

don't know

what he's saying, but I never like the sound of it.

Don't be shoving me, will you?

Okay, listen to me. Tonight, we're gonna have little tuna pies,

pork chops, and baked halibut, and green beans, and broccoli, and you are

cutting off the blood supply to my fingers. Oh, I'm sorry. I was just

find out in there if any nasties was going on.

Just stick to the menu, okay?

Okay, I'm also making coleslaw and my regular green salad. The soup is going

be tomato or chicken rice. What can wait? What I'm interested in is what

and Fred done last night.

Do you hear me?

Hear you.

People can hear you in Times Square.

What did you expect them to do?

Nothing.

What?

The one thing that you ain't supposed to do till after you're married. You know

what I mean?

The only fun thing I've done after I got married was get a divorce.

After lunch, we're having stuffed cabbage and chicken salad.

So we got the ham left over from yesterday.

Ain't anybody surprised about this?

Yeah, I thought the ham wouldn't last.

How could that kidnap you use Fred change so fast?

Maybe there was a full moon.

I got work to do, Archie.

I gotta take leftover turkey and turn it into chicken salad.

I ain't satisfied with this. I'm telling you, I ain't satisfied.

No, no, no.

Now, Murray, you gotta help me with this. This ain't good.

Why can't you be happy, huh?

You know, yesterday you were dying for Fred to have a relationship with that

girl.

Murray, a relationship is supposed to begin with the preliminaries, not the

event.

You know what I mean? A relationship is supposed to hold hands. You know, not

touch feet.

I ain't so sure anything happened.

You still look the same to me.

Hi, everybody. Linda from the laundry.

Oh,

I want to thank you, Mr. Bunker. I had a wonderful time last night.

Well, you told me you liked skating.

Oh, we didn't go.

Changed our minds.

You didn't go skating on my $10?

Just talk.

Talk. Do you, um... Do you like Fred?

Yeah. I like Fred very much.

Don't you?

Oh, yeah, he's like a daughter to me.

We had a swell time.

Fred is a terrific talker. I remember the best times of my life were talking

through the night with someone you liked.

Murray of a liar.

Now, Lindy, what are you trying to tell me there?

Was nothing but talk?

Well, not nothing.

But that means something, huh?

Yeah, I gave him some coffee.

Anything else?

Sure. Why?

Why?

young.

Murray, you ain't helping me over here, you know?

Twice? Yeah.

The first time with, uh, apple cake, and the second time with bacon and eggs.

I gotta go.

See you next delivery.

And give Fred my love.

Yeah, yeah, sure. I'll do that.

This is terrible. Why? Why terrible?

Because I set the whole damn thing up.

Whatever happened to getting to know each other, huh? I mean, whatever

to the boy bringing over the box of Fanny Farmer's chalk, which, you know,

being friends before doing everything.

You know, like with your wife.

My wife and I were doing everything for years and we were never friends.

Hey, hey, here he comes. Here he comes. What do you call a guy like that?

What do you call Pete Rose?

Pete Rose?

A switch hitter.

What's that, Fred?

It's my formal resignation and the $10 we didn't use.

What?

I'm going to leave.

Fred, there is no reason for you to leave.

That's not the way you felt last night.

Oh, yes, it is.

Hey, Fred, Murray's on your side.

Well, wait a minute. Not just Murray. Me, too.

You know.

No,

Fred, you don't have to leave because last night, you know, there was a full

moon.

Yes, I do, Mr. Bunker.

I'm different.

But you're not ready for...

Different. Well, wait a minute, Jackson.

Maybe you ain't so different.

What about Linda?

Yeah, well, I gotta talk to you about Linda, Fred.

I had fun with Linda.

But I've had fun with lots of girls.

I am what I am.

And it is different.

I know what they're through, you know.

It's Tom, eh?

It's what Tom said about him yesterday.

Archie, Fred does not know what Tom said about him.

Sure I do.

I've known Tom for a long time.

He used to hang out at that place I worked in Flushing.

See, I never liked him.

He can't forgive me for that.

You mean Tom is in the closet?

And a dirty old car that it is, too.

I'll finish out the week, Mr. Klein.

Now, Freddy, yesterday Tom had the nerve to call you a fruit. Now, why didn't

you tell us about him?

Would you have believed me?

In a situation like that, you can't win.

A large rod, I don't believe.

I do. So do I.

Maybe we ought to refuse his resignation. I think so.

How can you refuse?

You don't want to work here. He said so. You can't force the kid, you know.

The days of slavery is unfortunately over.

I wish you hadn't thought of this whole thing. Oh, gee, so do I.

Well, still a lot of it was a good idea.

I just shouldn't have tried to push him and Linda together, you know.

I should have just tried the other thing there.

Well, you wouldn't help me.

Help. Help. Ow.

No.

Wait, now, what did you ask me to do that I wouldn't do?

You refused to go out and buy them dirty magazines.

Well, that's the truth, David.