Original subtitles

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, Sergeant. I want to bail out one of your prisoners.

Anyone in particular, or shall we select one at random?

It's a lady named Dottie Wurtz. Dottie Wurtz.

Let's see how this lady has offended society.

Oh, I see.

Prostitution. Picked up for soliciting a plainclothes police officer at the King

Crown Tavern on Northern Boulevard. You a lawyer?

I'm a friend, homie.

$500. Stay over there.

He wants one of the hookers.

The white one.

Archie Bunker's place. We cater to straights.

Oh, hiya, Molly.

I thought you was going to bring her a cake or something, not bail her out.

Now, listen, Archie, if we hadn't kicked her out of our place, she wouldn't have

been working strange saloons.

And she wouldn't have gotten arrested. Now, we've got to do something for her.

Otherwise, we're going to feel guilty for the rest of our lives.

Maybe you feel guilty, but I'm a Gentile. We're happy people.

Listen, Arch, I'm not only bailing her out, I'm going to offer her a real job

with us. Are you nuts?

We need another waiter, don't we?

Listen,

Arch, we are doing the right thing. For God's sake, can't you give a person a

chance?

All right, now, Murray, hold it, will you? Don't jump into anything. Give me a

minute to think, will you? Here.

Let me ask Harry.

Ask me what?

About the idea of nodding the hook or waiting tables here.

That's a terrible idea.

Okay.

Harry says it's a terrible idea, so, uh...

Let's try it.

But, Marty, remember this.

You tell Dotty that she serves nothing to our customers except a lunch and

dinner.

No what he calls snacks between meals.

Goodbye.

I just want to ask you... What? What?

Give me a chance, huh?

You're going to spit it out, huh?

I just want to know how you feel about working with a hooker.

Why? Are we diversifying our operation?

I mean somebody to help your nephew Freddie wait on the tables.

A hooker moonlighting as a waitress.

That's a switch.

Just before you came here, one of the girls died in there.

What? What happened?

They don't know. They just took her away.

She was sleeping, and then she opened her eyes, and she looked right at me.

And then she tried to say something, and I didn't get it. And then she closed

her eyes again, and she was gone.

I got you in here for doing it.

Well, starting a long time ago, I was an artist model.

Did you ever work anywhere with your clothes on?

Excuse me. I mean, do you ever work in a restaurant?

You mean, was I a waitress? Yeah.

Yeah, I've done that.

Well, that's terrific.

Why don't you do the same thing for Archie and me?

Oh, Murray, you know that won't work.

Marvin...

You know,

I know there are going to be problems, but I think we can work those problems

out on the job.

But you have to remember that the restaurant is the job, and there's

else. Nothing else.

You want to try?

You want to go on being a hooker?

No, no.

Well, I mean, I'm ready. But, you know, what about Archie?

Don't worry about him.

You see, I trust you.

How can you trust a hooker?

Archie needs help.

But some of our customers know her. Ain't they going to be a little shocked?

Why should a man be shocked because the woman he went to bed with serves him his

lunch?

Come on, Mr. Ben. You know what I mean. Can't you hear the low remarks being

passed? And you know damn well some of these Johns are going to be dating her.

We'll be right back to where we started when we 86'd her. Arch, wait and see

what happens.

I think Dottie will be fine.

Boy, it's cold out there. You know, you got ice forming on your sidewalk.

Well, I think it was Kelly or maybe it was Sheets that wrote, if winter comes,

then spring's got no behind.

Yeah. Anybody want to buy a house?

Are you selling yours?

Yeah. The divorce came through.

I got the notice today.

Oh, I'm sorry, Barney. I'm not. I'm glad it's final. Now I know where I'm going.

Where are you going?

Who knows?

How's the settlement?

Fair settlement.

Blanche, clean me out.

You know, she took all the cash.

All? In one fell swoop, $212.

Today's woman ain't got no mercy.

Yeah. And not only that, I got a fork over 50 % of the proceeds from the

Don't give it to her.

Don't sell your house, Barney. Stay in her house.

All along.

Hey, Barney, now don't start crying there because I can't take it.

I can't help it.

Hey, Barney, Barney, new house rule here.

Nobody's allowed to cry if he's running a tab more than $25.

How much is mine?

$50.

a new job.

That's okay. Just treat it like your old job.

This job, she's on her feet more, Father.

Your order, sir?

Oh, I can't make up my mind.

Between what?

Between the baked halibut and the blueberry pie.

They're both very good.

Okay, bring me an order of each. And a bottle of tomato ketchup.

It's my first day on the job.

Did anybody ever tell you that you're very beautiful?

Oh, thank you.

Anything to drink?

Yeah, five cups of coffee. Five?

I want to be wide awake for our date tonight.

Well, excuse me. I'll fill your order.

Yeah,

what is he, some kind of a wise guy?

Nah, just a sad guy.

Why?

He asked me for a date.

Married? I heard his wife ran away with someone. Oh, when?

1976.

77, 78, 79.

One more, she'd make the Guinness Book of Records.

Missed you. Are we all set for our date tonight?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't socialize with the customers. That's the boss's orders.

Oh, don't worry about Archie. What he doesn't know won't hurt him. And he

doesn't know anything.

I'm sorry.

I just better not.

Oh, I get it.

You're not really worried about the bosses.

I just don't appeal to you that much, right?

No, that's not it.

So I'm not the handsomest guy in New York. Or even Queens.

Take a look around this joint. Now, right here. I gotta be in the top 20,

You like to shoot pool?

No.

How about bowling?

No.

What about pinochle? Oh, no.

Well, what else is there?

I don't know.

Movies, I guess.

Hey, I love movies.

Well, I'm sorry, I...

This is not a good idea. Oh, come on now, wait a minute. This is a free

isn't it? I mean, when you get off here, you can go out with anybody you want.

I did read in the paper over at the Northern, they're showing Romeo and

Double features put me to sleep.

You're cute.

I know.

With my kind of face, you're forced to be cute.

You have a nice face.

That's easy for you to say. You don't have to...

I'll tell you what.

I'll pick you up right here after work.

No, not here.

I'll meet you in front of the theater, 9 o 'clock sharp.

Terrific. Oh, and by the way, the name is Bonnie Hefner. Oh, Dottie Wurtz.

Dottie Wurtz.

What a beautiful name.

Excuse me, Miss Wurtz.

Table 9.

Oh, sure. Sorry.

Well, Bonnie, I see that you're taking care of him.

You bet.

Buy your new waitress. Hey, she's very good. Well, I'm glad you think so.

Hey, Murray, there's just one thing I'd like to ask you about her.

Yeah? What?

Well, what's a classy gal like that doing waiting on a table in here?

on a field trip. The only field left in New York was Edwards Field, and they

tore that down.

We're going to the Hayden Planetarium. Oh, you're going to feed the fish, huh?

That's nice.

Did you tell your teacher, Mrs. Hurst, that I said pfft to her?

Yeah. What'd she say to that?

To you.

You see the class of teachers they got nowadays?

Hey, Archie, look at these numbers.

You know, last night was the best night we had since we opened. Yeah, well, it's

only going to get better. Right, because of Veronica's cooking, right? Shh, shh,

shh. For God's sake, don't let her hear you talk that way. She'll be looking for

more money.

Did I hear you boys mention my name? No.

No, but yesterday a man was complaining about the veal here.

That was the last time I mentioned your name.

Your face should look as good as my veal.

Listen, I'm working on a menu here.

I hope you ain't gonna save no more halibut steak again.

No more halibut steaks.

Good.

Halibut croquettes.

I am up to my elbows in halibut.

How come? She ordered too much.

No, because your friend, Barney Hefner, the halibut hound, he ain't been around

for a while. So it's either halibut croquettes or we cater the cat show.

You know, she's right. I haven't seen Barney around here one night this week.

Maybe he's sick, huh?

Ah, the way Barney drinks, there ain't enjoyment of oil that can live inside of

his body.

I also asked Dottie if she wanted to work the bar a night, you know, just to

pick up a couple extra bucks. Hold it, hold it. I'm against that. I'm against

that. There's too many men around here at night.

She's against it, too.

She told me she wants to be free nights.

Yeah. I'll see you guys in the jiffy. Where you going?

I want to run this menu over to the Francis.

I wonder what's with Barney.

I wonder what's with Dottie.

What do you think?

Can I come in?

Not what you think, Murray.

I think you're fired.

Murray, I like this guy.

Well, good.

Must be very pleasant to turn the trick with someone you like.

Not a trick.

You know, Archie was right for a change.

I told him that you had promised to go straight.

He said, oh, sure, sure.

To go straight back to hustling.

Isn't that right?

The only reason I'm here is because I want to be.

Does Bonnie know what you are?

Who is at the door, honey?

Hiya, Murray.

Hi.

To what do we owe the pleasure of your company this early in the morning?

Well...

Everyone was worried about you. Huh.

We all knew that you'd been down in the dumps lately, and you hadn't been out at

the bar. We thought you weren't feeling well.

Are you kidding?

I never felt better in my life.

Lighten up, pal.

Life can be beautiful.

Because Dottie is beautiful.

Because you're beautiful.

I must be, because I never felt like this before.

You know, even Murray could be beautiful.

If he just wiped that look off his kisser like a guy that had just been

That's it.

Did you tell him?

No, I haven't had a chance to tell him anything.

Well, I'll tell him.

I'm going to steer your waitress, pal.

Dottie and I are getting married.

Hey, I think we shocked Murray.

You know why he's shocked?

Why?

Because none of my so -called friends ever figured that Barney Hefner could

attract a really nice girl.

A girl that would love me for myself.

With all my faults.

No matter what I am.

I ain't gonna say nothing. And I don't see why you should want to tell him

anything anyway.

You were supposed to be the bleeding heart for the whole while. The guy with

the toleration for everybody.

Now you think that a hooker ain't good enough for Barney.

I didn't say that. Oh, Murray, you're prejudiced. You're prejudiced, that's

That's right. Let me tell you something.

Dottie has got a heart of gold.

Got it in there? Yeah.

Huh? See?

Now, if you ask me, Barney is lucky to get it.

Look, Lottie, you have got to tell him. No one is closer to him than you are.

Oh, Dottie is.

Dottie's the one who ought to tell.

Hey, hey, hey, keep it down.

They're out there. Keep it down, will you? They're out there.

Will you shut up?

Let Dottie tell him. She'll find some, what do you call, female way to let him

know. What do you tell? Like how?

God, I don't know. Maybe she'll send them a bill for the wedding night.

Hey, fellas.

Hey, go on.

Did you hear the good news? Yeah, I heard all about it. By my old buddy,

congratulations. Hey, thanks.

What's happening? No.

But just one word to the wise, Barney.

Grab your happiness while you can.

But always be braced for heartbreak.

That's swell advice, Arch. Yeah.

Oh, by the way, we'd like to have the wedding reception here in the restaurant

where we met. Is that possible?

Oh, it is.

You got it, kid. We'll supply the finest in wines and liquors and a beautiful

buffet. Cash in advance.

It's too late.

Why is it too late?

For one thing, he said cash in advance.

I can't give you cash in advance.

Well, tell him.

Ain't you got no heart.

Barney, uh, maybe you ought to consider just a no -class elopement to Nutley,

New Jersey, and pancakes and Howard Johnson.

That's for me. Quick, sweet, and simple so I can get right back on the job.

If I have a job.

things that you don't understand.

Certainly you got a job.

I mean, if it's okay with Barney. Oh, sure, it's okay with me. Listen, I'm a

liberated fella. I don't mind if my wife works, as long as she gets the dinner

on the table.

Well said, Barney, well said. Well, then it's all right with us, right? Yeah,

right. Yeah.

You boys are okay.

Ain't she sweet, huh? Calling us boys and the two of us between us are over

years old.

Well, now, have you got anything further to say? No, I've got nothing further to

say. Because now's the time to say it or forever have to hold your water cool.

Peace. Yeah, whatever.

No, I have nothing to say. Good.

Hey, Murray, do me a favor, okay?

Stop worrying about me, huh?

Look it, I've been around the block a couple of times. Yeah, but, Barney, I'm

telling you... Hold it, hold it.

I know all of them.

I know what I'm doing.

Would you... He dropped the silverware.

You're the big liberal. Let me tell you something.

I gave you a lesson in liberal here today.

Oh, I hadn't noticed. What's the lesson? Oh, my friend.

A real liberal is a man who, on any occasion, when it demands, has always

the guts to keep his mouth shut.