All language subtitles for archie_bunker_s_place_s01e09_murray_and_the_liquor_board

Oh, my head.

Oh, shut up.

Hey, drink this, Bond.

You'll feel better.

Little hair of the dog that bit you.

You know, I got sick of your booze last
night, Arch. This ought to be on the

house.

Well, it ain't.

That's going to cost you two dollars,
because Harry put a raw egg in that.

Don't tell me what did it.

I don't know, Bond.

Yeah, oh, yeah, please. Drink it all at
once, huh?

I always hate to see a long glob of egg
stretching between the rim of a glass

and a guy's chin.

Hey, Arch, where's Murray with my check?

Where's Murray with my kid?

Somebody stuck him with a couple of
tickets. Stephanie was the only one to

with him.

Tickets to what?

The ballet.

Who's playing?

Uh, Baryshnikov.

Thought he was traded to Pittsburgh.

Oh, hey, take a look at this, Harry.
Here it is, here it is.

What's that, Arch? It's the letter from
Murray from the Alcoholic Beverage

Control Board.

Oh, about his interview, huh? Yeah, must
be. Maybe I better open it, huh?

Hey, it's addressed to Murray.

Well, it ain't ethical to open other
people's mail, Arch.

Who said so?

Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Who the hell are them guys?

Open the letter.

I need more beauty in my life.

And why ain't you working here?

I'm on my coffee break.

I take about 11 of them every day.

It's my only vice.

God bless you, Mrs. Olsen.

Don't be trying to figure out what I'm
doing here.

I know what you're doing.

That poor envelope has stuffed sinuses.
And you're trying to steam them open.

Get away from me, will you?

Any mail for Harry or me?

Or can I turn off the kettle?

Yes, ma 'am.

You see this here?

Oh, gee, this ain't good. This ain't
good at all.

What? What ain't good?

Read this.

Dear Mr. Klein, your appointment
regarding your eligibility to hold a

license is scheduled for Monday, 9 a .m.
Be prepared to answer questions

regarding your felony conviction for
assault with a deadly weapon.

Must be some other Murray Klein.

Oh, no, come on, will you? This is our
Murray Klein.

Murray couldn't assault anybody.

Well, how do you know? He punched around
a lot of guys when he was in the ring.

Maury cringes when I beat an egg.

He's no killer.

Well, you know, all the same.

Remember the old saying, if there's a
fire in the chimney, there's got to be

water on the roof.

What?

You know what I mean. Don't hang me up
in every void.

Listen, listen.

Just in case he should turn out to be,
you know, a killer, you could say that

you opened this letter.

Why?

Because he certainly ain't gonna hit a
lady.

Or you.

With a deadly weapon?

There it is, in black and white. I got
an ex -con for a partner.

Sometimes some of them old boxes blow
their tops.

Maybe he killed somebody.

I never heard anything like that.

Well, now listen.

When he comes in here, don't say nothing
to get him excited. Now, don't let on.

You know what's in this here letter.
Don't say a word.

I'm too sick to say anything.

I didn't hear nothing. You covered Arch.

You got speak no evil, hear no evil, and
me.

Yes, he is. Yes, he is. You got that.

The ballet was terrific.

It was beautiful.

I don't want to take piano lessons
anymore. I want to take ballet.

What's next, Lord?

Hey, kid, you want a hunk of banana
cream pie?

Veronica, what about her teeth?

I won't have a broken tooth on banana
cream pie.

Come on, Steffi.

How'd you like the ballet, Murray?

I would have been better with hot dogs.

Why would you look for hot dogs at the
ballet?

Well, during the second act, I woke up
hungry.

Well... What's the matter with you?

Not a lot.

My nose running or something?

No, no.

What are you staring at?

What are you staring at?

A little look on your face.

Uh, what does the look look like?

A man's gonna be attacked.

No, no, hey, that's the furthest thing
from my mind work.

Let me get in there, will you? Yeah,
sure, go ahead, go ahead.

I tell you, the next guy who tries to
hustle me for ballet tickets, I'm going

take a barstool and I'll crown him.

What are you staring at me?

Who's staring?

Can I have a sip of your coffee?

Caffeine, make it foresight.

So, you have a good time with your Uncle
Murray?

by a man, don't you?

I don't remember.

Men don't keep telling you that your
hat's crooked or your socks are coming

or you got something on your face.

They just tell you you're okay and fall
asleep.

Yeah, coming back to me now.

Ooh, this pie's delicious.

Honey, did you ever see Murray get mad?

I mean, real mad, like he want to hit
somebody?

got real mad today.

What about?

Well, a cab driver wouldn't take us from
the city to here, so Murray kicked his

cab. He kicked his cab?

What'd the cabbie do?

He got scared and drove into another
cab.

And the policeman's hoisted up on his
hind legs, and the people screamed, and

lady fainted, and two other men started
a fight. And the copper rushed at the

cabbie.

Yep, Murray felt bad about that.

I don't think so. He gave a monster
laugh.

What's a monster laugh?

I

see

a pile of junk like this, I could murder
the mailman.

Take him apart.

I think I'll take my break now.

Anything interesting?

Why do you ask?

What do you mean?

Hang around, Pawnee?

No, I'm walking home.

Me too.

Let's jog.

See you later.

Anybody want to go hear a movie?

So you could go straight from your
apartment to the meeting at the ABC

clear yourself.

Clear myself at the ABC?

Did I mention that to you?

Oh, yeah, you must have.

When?

I think right after.

You mentioned how you wanted to kill the
mailman.

Murray, please, no violence. There's
helpless women and children in the jail.

Touch your head.

Archie. Who, me?

What do you want?

opened my mail.

Why?

Because I didn't get none myself.

How dare you open my letter?

Wait a minute, Murray.

How dare you, my partner, con me that
way? You never said you was in the big

house. What the hell are you talking
about?

I was never in the big house, and this
is none of your business.

Oh, Murray, I'm sorry. Everything about
my partner is my business.

My personal life is none of your
business, and my past has got nothing to

with you.

Don't you see, Murray? Listen, maybe
over in Jersey, they will let an ex -con

run a bar and grill, or be the mayor.

This is no...

They probably won't even let you go on
the license with me.

I am not an ex -con.

This thing happened ten years ago.

What thing?

Ten years ago, I was picketing.

You was picketing? What, are you a
communist?

No, I'm a capitalist, you putz.

I was picketing the Dow Chemical
Company.

Hold it, hold it, hold it. The Dow
Chemical Company. Why?

For manufacturing napalm.

Huh?

Napalm, that's the stuff we dropped on
Vietnam.

And when it lands, it explodes, it
blinks the people, and it burns them.

But, Murray, we was at war with them
people.

Why'd you expect us to drop on them?
They have to shave loose.

I'm gonna watch... Steffi to a lesson.

Oh, yeah, swell, Veronica, swell.

And Murray, I just want you to know I
got a lot of sympathy for guys like you.

All my life I've been attracted by mugs.

Like a moth to a flame.

They was all sweet fellas at heart. You
know, just kicked around by society.

There was nothing left for them to do,
but...

Go to nightclubs and bump off Italians.

Veronica.

This is hopeless.

I don't believe this. Look, let me get
to the point.

I hit a cop.

You hit a cop?

Why? Because of a friend who was
picketing with me, John Larkin.

Is that the John Larkin of Ten's Bar at
McPhee's Tapas? No, this is John Larkin,

who's a Catholic priest on the west
side.

What? Why?

You made friends with a Catholic priest?

Don't you know that a priest can
hypnotize a Jew?

Didn't your father never tell you that?

Will you let me finish?

Who's stopping you?

This cop knocked Johnny Larkin down on
the ground and then stomped on his

glasses.

Why the hell you make such trouble over
a lousy pair of glasses?

The man was wearing them at the time.

Oh.

Wait a minute.

What was that deadly weapon you used?

My fist.

That ain't no deadly weapon.

The law says it is when you've been a
fighter.

But I had no previous records, so they
gave me a suspended sentence.

The letter here says you got a
conviction.

A suspended sentence is a conviction.
There's no fine and no jail.

And no liquor license.

There will be a liquor license. I got a
full pardon. All I have to do is show it

to them, and that's that.

That ain't that. You don't understand,
Murray. You don't know nothing about

these boards. These boards is... All
-powerful.

They'll tell you to stuff that pardon
where nobody will want to look for it.

Murray, on Monday morning, I'm going
down to that meeting with you.

I don't want you there.

Murray, Murray, you need me.

You need someone who's calm and
peaceful.

I will give you a good character
reference.

Hey, Mario, take a look at this. There's
a guy a mile up in the Woolworth

building washing windows.

I don't want to see that.

You better look quick.

He could fall any second.

What's the matter with you?

Well, outside of you, nothing.

Oh, come on, come on. You got to calm
down. Be peaceful there. We got to prove

to these here people that you ain't a
cop killer.

I keep telling you I'm not a cop killer.
You keep telling me that I am a cop

killer. Of course I know. Good morning.
Good morning. Good morning. Yeah.

Oh, you're in luck. How come? I know
this guy from up here before.

See? This is a straight, super
conservative guy like myself.

Oh, we're in trouble.

This is the kind of a man who'd protect
a citizen from big government.

Uh, hello there, Mr. Whitecock.

Henderson. Yeah, whatever.

Uh, you remember me? Last time I was up
here, you and me, we had a nice little

chat, you know. You was telling me how
the Canadian dollar was hurting America,

and I was saying we ought to send an
armed division up there. Remember?

Yeah.

Which one of you men is Mr. Klein?

I'm, uh, Mr. Klein. This is my business
partner, Mr. Bunker. Yeah, I already got

my license up here. You don't remember,
huh?

No.

Well, geez, I do.

I remember on that occasion, uh, I
didn't have to, uh, pay anything extra,

know what I mean?

So, uh, I was certainly prepared to do
that.

Mr., uh... Bunker.

Bunker. For your information, payments
of any kind are never even discussed in

this office.

Oh, I thought it was worth a shot.

Could you speak louder? I can't hear
you. I wasn't talking to you, sis.

I have to take everything down.

Yeah, but this here was private.

Yeah, but this here was private.

Who even took that down?

Did you ever see such crapola?

one P or two.

Oh, I believe it's me.

Let's get on with this.

According to the record, Mr. Klein has a
felony conviction.

That's right. But I also have a full
pardon signed by the governor of the

of New York.

And there you are.

Well, the governor isn't here.

I am.

Why did you hit a cop?

Well, if you look up the record... If I
may, if I may.

He didn't know what he was doing.

He was hypnotized by a priest.

Excuse me, I did know what I was doing.
I was protesting the dropping of napalm

on helpless women and children.

Where?

Vietnam.

North or South?

There were women and children in both
places.

The North Vietnamese were our enemies,
Mr. Klein.

Really, Mr. Henderson?

I don't remember war being declared on
Vietnam.

Oh, hey, hey, my partner's right about
that. There was never no declaration of

war. See, because our government figured
Vietnam was too little a country to

qualify for that.

Don't help me.

Politically, aren't you a little on the
left, Mr. Klein?

No, no, wait a minute. Hold it now. Wait
a minute. No, no. He's a capitalist

just like myself.

But he's very soft -hearted, you know.

He didn't want to go on burning them
gooks down there because he knew we was

getting enough of them anyway with the
bullets.

Will you shut up? What the hell?

Ah, Mr.

Klein.

You hit a policeman while you were
picketing.

Do you always use your fifth... To prove
you're against violence?

Only when necessary.

Well, let me ask you this, then.

Do the two of you ever hold meetings of
any kind in your tavern?

Oh, no, no, no. Look, you've got my
partner. Just okay the license, will

Will you keep calm? Don't tell me to
keep calm. Who the hell does he think he

is? I'll tell you who I think I am. I'm
the man who decides whether you get this

license.

If I may interrupt here, I mean, I
really don't see the relationship

for instance, selling booze and all of
this chicken doo -doo going on.

For future reference, chicken doo -doo
has one O in each doo.

Will you just okay the license?

Let me get the hell out of here. I'm not
through with your investigation, Mr.

Klein. And you, Bunker, remember, all
your foul language is being recorded.

Yeah, well, I can see that. But like my
partner says, you got a full pardon

right there in front of you.

Yeah, and I know where you can stuff
that.

You see, I told you he was going to say
that.

Shall I tell you where to stuff it?

No, you don't have to do that. I think
we know exactly where you mean.

And that ain't very nice there, Mr.
Whitey.

And you, sis, you be sure you get down
all of his nasties along with them's of

my own.

I got it.

You know, I got to say, a thought just
crossed my mind here. You know, our

beloved ex -president Richard E. Nixon,
now, he might be moving to New York now

that his neighbors don't have to look at
him.

Well, supposing that he wants to open up
a gin mill and there's a man with a

full pardon just like that there, what
would you do, refuse him a license?

You needn't record that, Miss Gucci.

I have to. And I have to put in you
needn't record that, Miss Gucci.

You can't do that.

You can't get away with that, brother.
That is a highly illegal move you just

made.

Don't you throw the law up to me.

I can hold this thing up for a year.

Well... I'll tell you what we could do.

We could go right over your head to your
bosses there.

I'll tell you what I could do. I could
have my attorneys come in here to see

you, Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz and
Associates.

Seven savage Jews that will pick your
bones clean.

All right.

License granted.

You two deserve each other, Clark.

Licensed players.

You two deserve each other. God help
this country.

Henderson storms out of room.

Huh? Huh?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

There we are. You got me a license.

I did need you after all. I done good,
right?

Sure you did. Listen, if he broke my
glass, I bet you'd hit him.

That bum.

I'd have belted him out. You know? Place
the left jab, then the feint. The left

hook and the right cross and bye -bye
baby. That's pretty good. Where did you

learn that?

Oh, I once seen a very good calling
fighter destroy another guy with that

Who's the other guy?

Me.

It was a good day, see?

I know the ropes here. What do you say
we take a cab home? No, no, the subway.

The cab's giving you the willies. Okay,
let's get out of here.