Original subtitles

Here's your pretzels.

Hit us again with two more scotches, will you? I'll hit you with pleasure.

don't hit me too hard because I get weak in the knees. And when I get weak in

the knees, I get too generous.

You know,

Larry, she's in and out of here a lot.

Every day.

What could be more than every day?

Three or four times a day.

That's what he says to her.

Let's get out of the wheat field, sweetheart.

We're going against the grain.

She's got a nice way with her.

She makes guys feel good.

She brightens up the place.

She's good for business.

Ours or hers?

Ours is all I'm supposed to worry about.

Oh, there, Mrs. Wood. What do you call that?

Hi, Harvey.

Hiya, Murray.

How do you say there, Mr. Van Rensen? Hiya.

Here, I brought you the inquiry to read.

The only paper nowadays that tells you the truth about anything.

This Fidel Castro made a secret visit to a hospital in Miami.

What's the matter with him?

Exclusive interview.

He wants a sex change so we can dance in nightclubs.

Oh, lose my accent.

ain't bad here, but so early in the evening, I count two, four, six, seven

-string boozes on the premises.

Plus one beer drinker. Oh, no, you finally went wrong, Mr. Banner.

They had a beer drinker here in sight.

Oh, he's in there, huh?

you would have become our third blind president.

Who were the first two?

Any two Democrats you care to mention.

Hey, Harry, you can take your dinner break whenever you want.

Oh, thanks, Arch. I'll take it now.

Everybody's paid up except Dottie Wertz and her friends.

Shit! Uh -huh.

Hey, welcome back.

You got room for another one now, huh? Kill her up.

How you doing over there, Dottie?

Here's looking at you, Archie. I'm right back at you, kiddo.

That's a real cute kid over there, Dottie.

Listen, Arch.

Yeah, what?

Tell me about Dottie.

Dottie? Dottie's one of our celebrities in there.

Celebrity? How? Oh, hey.

Third runner -up, Miss Ronkonkoma, 1960 -something.

She's a real high -class lady.

Well, I don't mean upper -high class.

But I'd certainly say lower upper, high class.

I mean, nothing lower than that.

If you know what I mean.

You mean a hooker.

Here, Marie, this should take care of it.

Thank you.

Archie, it's not goodbye, it's only au revoir.

Leave it, thank you, dear. Hey, Daddy, why don't you drink your drinks?

Oh, well, Walter here decided he can't wait.

What the hell is he, a savage?

I hope not.

Well, so long for now, everyone.

Till we meet again.

Yeah, have a good time.

Hey. There's some cute kid there.

That cute kid's in business, Arch.

No. Yes.

No. Yes. No. You want to bet? No.

You've got to face it.

Face it? Why?

Because we are the owners of this establishment. That's why.

All right, she comes in, she meets the guy, she sits down, they have a couple

drinks, a couple of smiles, a little chitter -chatter, pay the bill, they get

and they go home.

Who's home, his or hers?

Who cares?

Does that make any difference?

Mr. Van Rensselaer, can you hear me?

Uh -huh. Does that make any difference who's home?

Atmosphere changes technique, but results remain the same.

Ain't he an intelligent guy?

Pleasure to listen to. Every time he opens his mouth, out pops a fortune

Now, she listened to me, stopped running away from me.

I think maybe we ought to keep her out of here.

She could give the place a bad name.

What about the guys who pick her up?

Gonna keep them out, too?

Maybe we should.

Maybe you got holes in your head.

It's the game that's in business, not the guys.

You finally admit it.

Donnie is in business, right?

Murray, let me tell you something.

Her business ain't no business of ours.

Right, and our business is the only business that should be going on here.

You never caught wise through if you happen to be watching her all the time.

Why are you watching her all the time? I knew I knew from the first glance I

knew. Oh, what are you, some kind of exploit on hookers?

I know what I know. So do you. Don't tell me what I know.

Didn't you tell me that when you were overseas in Italy... Now, hold it. Now,

hold it. Now, don't be casting no dispersions on soldiers sailing

God will forgive a soldier for doing that in defense of his country.

You know what people will start saying if they haven't started saying it

already? What?

If these two guys let a hooker operate from their place, they must be getting

something from it.

Oh, come on, people ain't never gonna think it.

Look, I am not a reformer.

I don't want to give the lady any problems.

But we got a lot invested in this place.

I personally want people to call me saloon keeper.

I want people to call me restaurateur.

I don't want them to call me madam.

How about you?

Oh, gee, you know, she's a... She's a normal, nice lady, even if she is a

hooker.

She's been very pleasant to me.

Helps me across the street now and then.

She's even a C &I hooker.

Well, it's no problem, Arch.

I'm your partner.

But the sign on that window says Archie Bunker's place.

You ever think of that?

Well, you want me to send out for another hamburger?

How's about pepperoni pizza?

No.

Pepperoni holds back puborescency.

Get your milk.

There's mud in your eye.

You're so unclassy.

You've been hanging around the saloon too much.

Come on, I'll finish up. I'll have Harry walk you home.

a lot of work to do it.

Put your face in your book.

Don't be looking. Don't be looking. Let's get started here.

Multiple choice. So hard.

The capital of California is... I forgot that.

Wait a minute. You have three choices.

Write down yes there.

What?

Yes means that you're sure it's definitely one of them.

Which one? San Francisco, Sacramento, or Los Angeles?

Sacramento.

Are you sure?

When you're stuck, you always pick the middle one.

Is that it?

No. What else?

That's an easy one. I'll show you a way that you'll never forget the answer to

that one by this lovely little poem.

Rhode Island is the smallest state in all our noble 48.

That poem's no good anymore.

What's the matter with you? We have 50 states now with Hawaii and Alaska.

Well, all right, but Rhode Island is still littler than them last two, ain't

Yeah. Then what do you want to junk a beautiful poem for?

Excuse me. I've got to get something. Yeah, go ahead, Murray.

Oh, go on. Answer the next one by yourself, huh? Even if you get it wrong.

Hey, Archie. You know, I've been thinking a lot about what we said about

cutie.

About that certain party. Better, better.

And I've decided to let it go.

I don't want to put myself in the position of telling people what to do.

What cutie?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Fight Rhode Island there.

ride it twice, you get a higher mark.

I don't know why the hell they give girls so much homework anyway.

No guy is ever going to ask you to show him that.

All last night I was turning Dottie over in my mind.

Boy, you've got a dirty mind.

Sounds to me like you're the one with the dirty mind.

You're the one that was turning her over. I didn't touch her.

Wait a minute. What are you talking about?

I changed my mind. I don't think we should throw her out.

I'm with you.

No, you ain't with me. I changed my mind.

And we're going to throw her out.

I want to drop it. I want to pick it up. I don't want to play God.

You don't have to. I'll do that.

I don't want you telling me what to do. I'm a partner. I'm telling you.

sign on that front window there says Archie Bunker's place.

Did you ever think of that?

You know something, Arch? You got a hell of a nerve worrying about your

reputation.

Hey, if I don't worry about it, who the hell is gonna?

Where do you come up putting your reputation over somebody else's right to

Listen to this right to live. I only want to kick her out. I don't want to

her off.

in the first place, aren't you? She's a very nice girl.

Oh, no.

You was right in the first place. She ain't a very nice girl. Because if she

a nice girl, she wouldn't be what he called selling her flavors.

She'd be giving them away.

Well, giving away is legal.

The Supreme Court allows that so long as you need to party. Don't make a fire in

the room.

I'll tell you who the phony is.

You. You want to kick her out, but you let Ace Washington, the fence, come in

here. Hot piece of love there, Ace.

Nobody ever paid nothing on Ace.

That's why even the cops call him Ace.

Don't ever call a man a fence.

What do you call someone who deals in hot stuff?

Until the cops snap the bracelets on the man, I will personally report to him as

a wholesaler.

Don't bother us, huh?

I've even seen Mario Nardone standing right here with this boss. Why not?

A nice man, a nice way with a nice smile.

He's a nice mafia button man.

I like the guy.

Hey, Arch, what the hell do you want?

Look. Oh, Stephanie, I've got the answer to this question. It's simple. The

seventh wonder of the world is... Stephanie!

What?

Finish your homework in the back room.

It stinks back there.

That's right.

Listen, honey, why don't you hop up in a box and open the window?

It's worse when the window's open.

Why? That's how the cat gets in.

I hope you'll pardon my back here, and you pardon the rest of them.

Stepney, I would like to have a moment alone with Dottie here. Would you do me

that favor, little darling?

No.

Get in there!

Get in there!

Don't come out no more!

You gotta yell at them when they're little, or when they grow up, they won't

come to visit you.

Did anybody take your drink order?

No, and I'd like a tall glass with water. Oh, you got it, you got it.

Harry, a tall scotch with water over here, huh?

Yeah.

And a double bourbon for me.

Double bourbon?

Do what you're told.

Dottie, seeing as this chair ain't the spoke for as yes, would you mind if I

down? I wish you would, Artie. Oh, yeah, thanks very much.

What I wanted to do was the... Well...

Something on your mind, aren't you?

On my mind? Don't be silly.

I mean, there's something up there all right, but it ain't much.

What I mean is that I got something to tell you.

It ain't going to be easy.

Because you're going to feel awful about it.

But I...

I want you to meet my partner. Oh, do you want to say so? Bring him over. I'd

like to meet him. He's kind of cute.

Yeah. He's very intelligent. He's a Jewish guy.

Murray.

Hey, Murray.

Over here a minute, please.

Dottie Weitz, Murray Klein.

Hello. Hello. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too.

All right. That's enough of that.

You all right, Murray? You look worried.

Oh, not so normal with him. That's another thing with Jewish guys.

Oh. He looked just like a friend of mine. He was over at my apartment last

night. He had that same look on his face. Well, and a button of mine.

Hey, hey, hey, can you get out of here?

I want to stay and listen.

You're going to listen to the sound of that, and you know what?

I've got to help the child with the homework.

Well, is it Miss or Mrs.? It's Dottie. Why don't you sit down?

Thank you.

You married?

Not at the moment. No. Kids?

Girls. She's married. Oh, that's nice.

scotch and water.

I guess Archie don't need this double. I do.

Oh, please, please, this is not a house.

Oh, thank you very much. Cheers.

Cheers.

Oh,

Dahlia.

Dahlia, I, um, I wonder if I could...

No, I want to discuss something with you. It's a problem.

Well, listen, I hear problems all the time.

What's the business problem?

Good, I hear a lot of those, too.

Study, supposing you had a business, legit.

Yeah.

And supposing somebody was to use your store for another business.

Not legit.

You mean like me?

No. Oh, no.

Here.

What's your mean?

We got a problem.

Hey, uh, your purse is a -carrying in there.

Will everybody in the place stop talking?

How do you want to use talk?

You were saying, uh... I was saying, Scotty, I was saying that you

can't come around here anymore.

We don't want any part of it.

And we don't want people to think that we have any part of it.

Oh, I wondered, just for curiosity, what would be your weekly gross?

Lay off.

Couldn't you finish the kids' homework?

Betsy? Hits you that hard, huh?

You're not a bit interested in these other ladies here, what they do when

leave with their gents, huh?

Oh, come on, Dottie. I mean, these other ladies, they ain't like you.

I mean, they don't come to do that here.

Archie, I don't do it here either.

Well, go off with this.

But them other ladies there, they don't get paid.

Well, there's all kinds of pay.

Somebody gives, somebody gets.

You asked your wife.

Got him.

Listen. Oh, listen.

Don't worry, boys. Don't worry.

You get your way, I'm going to leave.

I just, uh... I just want to thank you for being so nice about

it.

Bye, Daddy.

Goodbye, kid. Give me a hug.

Thanks for helping me with my homework. Oh, that was my pleasure. I think I

remember the answer to that question you asked me.

The seventh wonder of the world is the think.

Are you sure? My Uncle Archie said something different.

Oh, yeah? What did he say?

King Kong.

Well, I guess your Uncle Archie is the boss.

I feel terrible.

So do I.

Oh, shut up.

So do I.

And shush you.

What do you feel terrible about?

Only done what you had to do.

We could have let her stay here. Just make believe it and see what was

happening.

What's up, hooker?

You know, the trouble with you is you're one of them do -gooder, bleeding -heart

liberals.

Once in a blue moon, you do something that makes sense, and then you feel

about it.

I think I'm going to send her some flowers.

Well, hey, that's a good idea.

Now that'll fix everything up.

You can put my name on the card.

You know which one it is?

There's some ways around here.

Around the corner over the travel agency.