Original subtitles

Hello. Mr. Van Rensselaer? Hello, Mrs. Bunker. Nice to hear you again.

Who are you, Mrs. Bunker? Oh, call me Edith. All right, Edith. Call me Marie.

Marie. Right.

You know, you look like you just stepped out of Vogue.

Oh, thank you. Your gloves, everything. You know, you really get dressed up to

go roller skating.

Oh, no. These are Debbie's games.

I used to roller skate, though. But I gave it up after I fell on Fanny.

Everybody does that.

Oh, oh, no. I mean my cousin, Fanny. Oh, yes, I

did. I thought when you went roller skating... Come on, sit down, Edith.

got your ginger ale for you. On the rocks? On the rocks with a twit of

Oh, thanks.

You know, I haven't been roller skating since I was a teenager.

What a great way to pick up girls.

Maybe I ought to start again. What size are those?

Those are Steffi's skates. They wouldn't fit.

I left a note on the door at home so

she'd know enough to come here and pick them up.

I'm going to see you back.

I gotta go someplace, and Steffi's going roller skating with Amy Bloom after

school, and she forgot her key.

Steffi, not Amy.

Would you mind telling her not to stay after 5 o 'clock because she has a piano

lesson at 5 .30? Amy, not Steffi.

And I got her key so she can get in when she gets home.

Steffi. Biffy, not Amy.

Amy, I've got it.

I think I better write that down.

I never write things down.

Because if I lose the paper, then I don't remember.

Biffy, Amy, is there anything else?

Yeah, would you tell Archie that I'll be home in plenty of time to fix dinner no

matter what the doctor says?

Doctor, dinner, doctor.

You sick?

No, no.

He ain't a doctor, doctor.

He don't cure nobody. He's a psychiatrist.

Stay away from psychiatrists. Now, you seem to be a very happy woman, and you

don't want to go and find out that you don't have the right to be happy.

Oh, I ain't a patient.

I'm an applicant.

Please promise me you won't say nothing about this to Archie, because I'm going

to tell him.

I'm going to see about a job at the Regal Park Center.

The funny farm?

Oh, they laugh a lot there, but they don't talk.

Edith, what kind of work do you want to do?

I'm a helper.

Help the patients write letters. And I read to them. And I play Chinese

with them.

Well, whatever.

Well, play it cool.

Let them win.

You did a good job.

Why not?

I bet you'd be great with the stirred people.

I am.

We had a lot of them at the Sunshine Home. And they felt cool. Closer to me

anybody else.

You've had lots of experience.

I got fired, too.

And I'm afraid when Dr.

Wakeford, he's the head head doctor, hears about that, he's not going to give

the job.

Well, nobody's going to tell him that you got fired. Oh, yeah, somebody will.

Tell him that. Tell him how great you were. Tell him how the people at the

Sunshine Home loved you. You know, you've got to have a little chutzpah.

A little what?

Chutzpah. It's guts.

It's nerve. It's chutzpah.

How do you spell that? Chutzpah?

C -H -U -T -Z -P -H.

H. Chutzpah.

That's Chutzpah. No, no.

C -H is pronounced Chutzpah.

I hope I'll have some left over for when I tell Archie.

Thanks a lot, Murray.

All right. Bye. Bye, Mr. Van Rensselaer. So long, Ms. Bumper.

Oh,

I think it's lovely.

It's so homey.

It ain't a bit like a... A loony bin?

That's all right. That's what the patients call it.

Excuse us, Tom.

You have to keep a sense of humor around here, Mrs. Bunker. Otherwise, as we say

in medical circles, you go bananas.

Please sit down. Thank you.

So, how about it, Mrs. Bunker? You think you'd like to work for us? Yeah, I'd

love to.

Are you sure you'd like me to work for you?

Quite sure.

What we need around here is someone with patience and understanding.

Miss Critchin from the Sunshine Home assures me you have both.

Did Miss Critchin say anything else about me?

Oh, yeah.

She said you did excellent work there.

So, let's talk about your schedule.

You work Monday through Friday from noon to eight.

Oh. You'll eat with the patients, so your meals are included.

Oh. And your salary will be $5 an hour.

Oh.

Do you have any questions you'd like to ask me?

Do you have any questions you'd like to ask me?

No.

It's been a pleasure, Mrs. Plunkett. Thank you.

I'm really glad you're going to be with us. Me too.

I'll see you next week.

Bye, Doctor.

Bye -bye.

from the Sunshine Home.

It was on account of a very old lady, Mrs. Dillon, who they was trying to keep

alive, but she didn't want that no more.

I was sitting with her while she was dying and holding her hand, and I didn't

call nobody.

She was 82 years old, and she had a wonderful life, but... She was

very sick, and everybody she knew was gone.

She couldn't even get up and go to the bathroom by herself.

And she said that her dead husband, Arthur, was waving to her, you know,

the other side.

And she said that the Lord told her, Loretta, it's time.

I asked her.

If I could do anything. And she said, just sit beside me, Edith,

and hold my hand.

So I did.

And she went.

And they fired me.

If you had that day to live over, Mrs. Bunker, what would you do?

Just what I did.

I'm sorry.

I had to tell you because it wasn't fair not to.

So you don't have to hire me now if you don't want to.

I'll see you Monday at noon.

Don't be late.

Oh, thank you.

You don't have any other problems, do you?

No, why?

Last woman who had your job had to quit because her husband wouldn't let her

work. Did you ever hear of anything so stupid?

Yeah.

Once.

back to work again.

That's another thing. That's because she was home here alone with nothing else

to do but run around the house all day having fun with your housework.

But now you've got a helpless person to take care of. You're not helpless.

I wasn't talking about me. I was talking about you.

I'm not helpless.

Can you run a saloon?

No.

Well, then you help us.

And you need to stay home and take care of it.

All my friends' mothers work.

Oh, I know that very well.

That's what has the world in such rotten shape.

All these women running around out there doing useless jobs and leaving their

daughters home alone to get pregnant.

I did this work all last year and I didn't get pregnant.

She hears words. like that on TV.

Why don't you sit down and eat your dinner? No, I won't sit down.

Sit down. I don't want nothing.

When I hear talk like this, I just can't sit down.

sitting here upset.

Archie, I'm supposed to start my new job on Monday.

Edith, I thought you was over all of that foolishness when you stopped

at that old people's joint.

I think you got plenty to do here.

You want to grow up to be a nice girl and a beautiful girl and have some hard

work and good -looking dope to take care of you.

I'm going to take care of myself.

When I grow up, I'm going to be the boss of my house.

Oh, my God.

Well, we was warned about this by that wonderful woman Phyllis Shufla, God

bless her.

But we didn't pay her no mind.

And now look what we're doing. We're raising another Joan Fonda over there.

Go upstairs and give your dollies a bath.

They're clean.

Well, you ain't, so go upstairs and give yourself a bath.

Go on, do as I tell you.

Just because I'm a woman is no reason to treat me like a sex...

In fact, you do the same.

Well,

we got the television nut waste to thank for this.

You know, if it wasn't for sports, I'd throw that TV set right into the Gowanus

Canal.

does that help us? You taking work in one of them geriatric side jakes.

I do know what I need.

How do you train the aged?

Don't put some crappy old bag into a boil pool.

Teaching some old geezer with no teeth and one leg in the grave how to put his

hat on.

And what does it all get you in the end?

Guidance.

This is the Regal Park Center. They ain't all old.

Then what's wrong with them?

They're mentally disturbed.

What?

You're going to take a job in a hoo -hoo hotel?

You don't dare do that.

come out the same again.

Oh, I have experience in this thing.

My Aunt Lou, Lord rest her soul, she took part -time work in one of them

You know what them people done to her?

They set fire to her apron.

Then they put mayonnaise in her pocketbook.

Then they put huckleberries in her pantyhose.

Overnight, A beautiful, raving -haired woman tying snow white.

Did she quit?

She did.

She had it. She'd become a patient then.

Oh, gee, that ain't gonna happen to me. I'll be all right, and so will

you. Oh, I ain't thinking of me. Don't think of me. Put me right out of your

mind. I did.

Think of the innocent child up there.

That poor little waifu living with us here. I'm one of your family.

She can't be home alone all day.

Well, she ain't home alone all day.

Who the hell's gonna be with her?

She's in school every day. But I know after school.

On Monday, she goes to Girl Scout.

That's Monday.

What about the rest of the week?

Tuesday, she has a dance and lessons. And Wednesday... then Fridays she goes

the skating rink with Amy Bloom, and Thursdays she has religious school.

Oh, what a brutal schedule for Charlotte.

Eve, Eve, every child needs some time alone with her loved ones.

Well, this will give her some time with you.

Time with me is useless.

dinner, help her with her homework, play with her a little, and then bring her

home to me.

I know, Edith.

Suppose she gets sick.

What if she gets sick in the middle of the day?

Well, she'll always know where I am. She'll have my phone number.

Phone number?

What a cruel...

what he called that personal sense of security there, has to know that when

gets sick, there's a responsible individual here at home who will help

up.

Yes. Now, you was always there when Gloria was thrown up.

And look at the result of all of that.

Turned out perfect.

Except for who she married.

I'll get it.

I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. I said, I'll get it. Why do you always

come racing up to the door?

That's only a bell. It ain't a fire alarm.

Open it.

All right, I will.

Hi. Oh, hiya, Murray. What do you want? We need your key to the storeroom.

Use your own key. I haven't got one.

Well, can't you get one made and give me yours and I will?

You see this?

He's always got a smart answer for everything.

Archie, they're going to call me a recreation assistant and I'm going to

an hour.

Edith, you got that job?

Yeah. Oh, that's terrific.

Holy,

what do you mean terrific?

Congratulations.

Don't you see there's some families being run to send us here?

You got no job.

She can't take the job. I know why she can't take the job. Even if I let you

take that job, it would never last.

Why not?

Because they'd soon find out the whole truth.

What truth?

That you was fired from the Sunshine Home.

They know about that already.

The whole story?

Yeah. What?

He's got to get back to that storeroom. I don't got the key.

You lost it already? Here's another one.

Here's the bar.

Wait a minute.

What is this between the two of you?

What's this coochie -coo? No, no, no. Yeah,

I know it well. What is it?

I never heard of it.

I'm going to get myself a new outfit for my new job.

Maybe even a pantsuit.

Oh, you ain't going to do that. Good.

Hey, Murray, please, huh?

This happens to be a thing between husband and dingbat. You can't help me.

I'll see you tomorrow.

You gotta help me, Murray.

Me?

Yeah, you.

I'm only a temporary partner.

Well, all right, then help me as a friend.

Am I your friend?

Can you make believe?

We're friends.

What do you want, friend?

Tell her not to do this.

So long, stranger. Wait a minute, wait.

Now, you know that this is wrong. Now, who says so? A woman ain't supposed to

work. What if she wants to? She's not supposed to want to unless she has to.

Like my mother, she wanted to, she had to. We need the money she took in the

washing and the ironing. But my old man was always so ashamed of that. Because

he couldn't support his family.

Right. But you can't support your family. Right. So you've got nothing to

ashamed of. Right. So either can go to work. Right.

Just a minute now.

We're forgetting something here. Now what? Another problem, another problem.

The child.

Oh, you're afraid she's going to feel neglected and unloved, is that right?

Right. Because Edith is away all day, right?

Right. But you're away all day, right?

Right.

Stephanie knows that you love her, right?

Right. So being at home has nothing to do with it, right?

Oh, Archie, just remember what chutzpah means.

It means guts, nerves.

Keep your nose out of my business, huh?

Oh, well.

Me trying to hold back the tendencies of this world like a poor salmon trying to

swim uptown.

I want to talk to you, and you're going to listen to me.

You know that in a human schedule, you worked out for this child on Monday,

Wednesday, and Friday.

And Tuesdays and Thursdays. Yeah, them two.

What about him?

Well, you better write it all out for me, yourself, again.

Oh, oh, gee.

I love you.

Just give me the words, Harry. Leave the notes for the nuts.