Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up, murr is

forced to stick his nose where

it doesn't belong...

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughter ]

q goes up against the mystery

box...

There's no way he's doing

this.

Oh.

Narrator: And the guys

push Joe over the edge.

No! No! No!!

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: Plus, an

"impractical jokers" first... a

punishment like you've never

seen before.

♪ Dunh dunh duhh

aah!

[ Laughter ]

We're at Dylan's candy bar,

and we're trying to get people

to sign up for our new party

service.

There will be a box of props

waiting for us, and we have no

idea what's in it.

We've got to reach in and

pull out a prop and explain how

we're gonna use that weird thing

at their party.

If you can't get someone to

sign up for your party, you

lose.

How's it going?

Hey.

Hey, have you heard about our

new party-time service that

we're doing.

We do adult parties, kids'

parties... you know, birthdays,

everything.

You know, we'll do, like, the

standard, like, kid... we'll do

the juggling if you want to do

it.

[ Chuckles ]

And then we, uh... we offer,

like, a full range of services.

Like, for instance, in here, we

have some stuff.

He has no idea what's in

the box.

You know, this is something

great that we do.

Um, we have an urn with ashes in

here, and it's, uh... it's a

game we play, called

"guess who's dead."

Everybody takes a handful.

It's sort of like

"duck, duck, goose" meets, uh,

"Simon says."

[ Laughter ]

And you know, everybody just

takes a turn guessing who's

dead... "grandpa."

And we have, like, specific

props and things that we'll

bring to the party.

Like, you could have, like...

[ Laughter ]

We have, uh... you know, we

bring laxatives.

We don't think that children

poop enough at the kids'

parties, because they have

so much candy and stuff.

So we'll... we'll actually slip

some of these in with

jelly beans.

[ Laughter ]

But wait, there's more.

Um...

There is, uh...

We've got, uh... that's...

Um, because parents get into

some trouble when they drive

home from kids' parties.

They've been doing a little...

[ Whistles ]

So, it's an all-inclusive sort

of deal, where you get the whole

experience.

You get the juggling, you get

the laxatives, you get the

urine.

[ Laughter ]

It's a win-win for everybody.

I'll come, I'll juggle, I'll

hand out laxatives.

So, just name and phone number,

if you'd like.

Is she gonna do it?

Yeah! Thank you so much.

Really appreciate it.

Human waste is not enough for

this woman to not sign up.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

What's your name?

Hugh.

Brian. Nice to meet you.

Take a look at this, man.

I throw the party myself.

Like, I'll run in here with,

like, this stuff, and that's

just the start of it.

But, like, for you, we do stuff

like this.

[ Groans ] Here.

All right, like [chuckles]...

[ Laughter ]

flapjacks.

Flapjacks, Hugh.

Don't just say what they

are, q?

How do you use them at the

party?

Like, now... now your friends

are showing up, and they're

like, "oh, man, there's alcohol

everywhere.

But what's to eat?"

Flapjacks.

Flapjacks!

But wait, party's just getting

started.

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ]

Hugh, now [chuckles] check

this out.

All right, we got that, right?

Yeah.

You got that, I got this.

Right, buddy?

Now you and I are... we're very

handcuffed together.

[ Laughter ]

I'll tell you what's happening.

You and I are gonna get a little

drunk, we're gonna down some

flapjacks.

You want to sign up?

You'll sign up?

Come on! Fur and cuffs!

Fur and cuffs, Hugh, gets 'em

every time.

[ Ding! ]

It could be a children's

party or an adult party.

We tailor it to you.

We sit down with you and kind of

party-plan it.

So, some of the things we

[chuckling] Offer...

We offer, uh, bacon.

Okay.

And then we have, uh...

Pills.

[ Laughter ]

And I know what you're thinking.

"What do bacon and pills in a

bag have to do with a party?"

Well...

What don't they have to do

with... with a party, really,

if it's the right party?

We have some really cool, unique

things that no one else offers.

Now, you... you might say, "why

do have brick labeled 'pain'?"

[ Laughter ]

Talk your way out of that

[bleep]

[ Laughter ]

That's what I would ask.

[ Laughter ]

Why do you think I have a brick

labeled "pain" in my hands?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Guess.

[ Laughter ]

You're gonna label yours

whatever you want it to be...

Whatever you want to get rid of.

Like, you could label it

"sorrow," "poverty"...

"Herpes."

[ Laughter ]

If you think a party... okay?

With bricks labeled "pain" is

for you, just sign, and we could

tailor it to however you want...

Of course, it is yeah.

Oh, my god! Come on!

[ Ding! ]

How are you guys today?

We don't just do regular

parties.

I mean, you know, we've got our

regular party things.

You've got, you know, hats that

we provide at parties... things

like that.

But also we... we bring, um...

[ Chuckles ]

Good luck explaining that,

murr.

[ Chuckling ]

[ Laughter ]

It's a Halloween costume.

It's a ghost, it's a ghost.

You could wear it and scare

people.

It's like a Halloween party.

[ Laughter ]

You [bleep]

We do tricks.

You know, we do, like, streamers

and things like that.

[ Chuckles ]

You know?

Other things that we might

bring...

[ Laughs ]

is, uh, spare panties?

[ Laughter ]

And we throw really fun parties,

so, um, you know, if anyone

soils themself, we'd have

backups.

[ Laughter ]

Hold this for one second.

It's okay.

Uh, and then...

Any interest in signing up for

the party?

Put those on your hand in

shame, buddy.

[ Laughter ]

[ Buzzer ]

Narrator: Party's over, murr.

You are on the loser board.

I love birthday parties.

When's my birthday?

May 1st.

When's q's birthday?

March 14th.

And when's sal's birthday?

November-ish.

[ Laughter ]

22 years.

And I'm always feeling him

out.

Starting November 1st, I'll

start calling, like, "hey, bud."

[ Laughter ]

We're at veselka restaurant,

playing waiters, and today we're

all gonna get a shot at Joey's

signature bit.

Nosing.

We got to put our nose on

customers as many times as

possible.

Whoever noses the fewest

times loses.

Sal has never nosed anyone in

his life.

I just realized how

nerve-racking this is.

Gal on the go.

[ Laughter ]

I'm just gonna grab this menu

from here.

Okay, yeah.

[ Laughs ]

Sorry. Thank you.

[ Laughter ]

[ Creak ]

[ Laughter ]

Time is running out, sal.

Get the bald guy right behind

you.

Go. Get him.

Go.

Get him.

[ Cymbal plays ]

Aw, come on.

Get in there, sal.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Sal has never nosed anyone in

his life.

Get the bald guy right behind

you.

Go. Get him.

Go.

Get him.

[ Organ plays chord ]

[ Laughter ]

Go, go, go, go, go.

[ Ding! ]

Wow! Nice. Wow!

Well done, man.

Get his wife in the furry

coat.

Check this out.

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughs ]

See?

[ Ding! ]

My god!

I am stunned.

He's pouring himself a beer!

Get the guy in the blue

shirt, q.

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughing ] Whoa.

[ Laughter ]

Sitting duck right in front

of you, q.

♪ Are you ready?

[ Ding! ]

There you go.

[ Laughter ]

He has no idea what's happening.

Q, let's see if you can get

that guy again.

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughter ]

Oh!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my god!

[ Ding! ]

Nice!

What would you like, sweetie?

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

Oh, great choice.

What are you doing?

Put your nose on some people.

One Sauerkraut.

Murr, when's your shift over.

You want to come hang out and

make a TV show?

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

Come on!

[ Ding! ]

Yeah!

Get that bun. Get it, get it.

Get it! Get that bun!

[ Ding! ]

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, murr!

If you like carrot cake...

[ Ding! ]

[chuckling] That's the

best one.

Yeah, Murray!

Here comes Joe.

I'm expecting big things.

He gets this smirk on

his face.

He just gets a swagger.

How long is the wait for two

people?

Oh, my god.

Just go for it.

Nathan.

[ Ding! ]

Nathan.

She didn't even know!

Got her!

[ Ding! ]

He already got another one.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ]

Got to go get her.

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughter ]

Oh, he's got his eyes on

someone.

[ Ding! ]

Oh, no!

How long can he hold it?

3... 4... 5...

Look at this.

6... 7... 8...

Oh, my god.

9... 10... 11...

[ Ding! ]

The nose ninja strikes again.

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughs ]

And sal loses by a nose.

What can I say? I blew it.

[ Laughs ]

Narrator: Sal now

knows [nose] what's it like to

be on the loser board.

Murr always calls women

"sweetie."

What's your name, sweetie?

It's a term of endearment.

You're gonna be fine, sweetie.

It's not the word "sweetie,"

it's how you say it.

What would you like, sweetie?

It could be the tag line from

a movie serial killer, like...

Sweetie...

Sweetie...

Sweetie...

He cuts through the door with

an ax, like, "hi, sweetie."

[ Laughter ]

We've gone back to school.

We're on a college campus,

where we have to go up to

students and get some support

for our new after-school club.

But we need signatures in

order to get the club started.

The goal is to get as many

signatures as we can.

We've written them for each

other, though, so nobody has

seen the name of the club before

they open it.

We're trying to get enough

signatures from students to

start a new club.

It's... it's the, uh...

It's the "Turkey club, hold the

Mayo."

[ Laughter ]

And we'll finally have a place

to, you know, have Turkey, uh,

clubs and hold the Mayo.

She's signing.

That doesn't mean anything.

Hi. We're trying to start a

new club at the school, and the

university is insisting that we

get enough signatures of

students.

It's, uh...

So, this is, uh, a club...

We're trying to start a

new club at the school...

You know, to start it.

It's, uh...

It's the "my mom's a milf" club.

[ Laughter ]

Is your mom a milf, or...

Is she?

She's gonna be a milf, too,

it seems from here.

Okay, great, great.

Thank you so much.

Come on, who signs that

"their mother's a milf" club?

Easy.

When we have our inaugural

meeting, if you ever want to

come by with your mom...

You know?

[ Ding! ]

This is ridiculous!

They call me

captain signature.

Huzzah!

[ Laughs ]

We're just getting some

signatures.

We're trying to start up a new

club here at the school.

So, the new one is the, uh...

It's the "clean holes" club...

[ Laughs ]

um, because there's a lot

of dirty holes out there.

So you want to get up in them

and clean them.

You know, there's holes all over

the world... you know, like

potholes, manholes...

[Bleep]Holes.

[ Laughter ]

Pretty soon, we'll clean them

all... clean up all them holes.

[ Laughter ]

Man, you want to help me out a

quick second?

I just need some signatures.

Starting a club up here on

campus, so...

Uh, the club is the

"white people book club."

[ Laughter ]

So, it's a book club for white

people.

It's pretty basic. No?

We just sit around and read.

And there he is.

[ Laughter ]

What up, y'all?

We're trying to start a new club

for school.

We need to get signatures.

If we get enough, they'll let us

have it.

Uh, the club is called

"b.a.l.l.s."

Tell her what that stands

for.

Um, it's basically like a

"blondes are lovely ladies

society."

[ Laughter ]

No way. He pulled it off.

She'll probably have my

♪ ass

[ ding! ]

Yeah, that's right.

[ Laughs ]

I had to say that to

everybody.

You are such a fish out of

water whatever you do.

No, not me, man. This is it.

Cool, hip college kid.

How long till somebody

reports him to campus security?

Hi, I'm trying to get

signatures to start a club.

Way to not get signatures.

[ Laughter ]

We're starting some clubs,

so, I mean, I just got to get

some signatures to present to

the Dean.

See, this is an important one.

This is "students against

wheelchair ramps."

[ Laughs ]

You know what I mean?

Like, you're... see how you're

enjoying these steps?

If that was a ramp, you wouldn't

be able to do that.

[ Laughs ]

He's all...

We need people. Here we go.

This is the, uh... the, uh,

"down with white people

association of america."

[ Laughter ]

There are good clu... look, come

on, man.

You and I both know... you're

gonna tell me you like white

people?

Look at this guy.

[ Laughter ]

If you're into design, here's

the "child size coffin design

club."

[ Laughter ]

Give it up, q.

Guy isn't buying your

bull[bleep]

[ Laughs ]

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Absolutely. Hey!

[ Ding! ]

Come on!

Narrator: So, Joe is

big loser on campus, and we've

got a 3-way tie.

You guys make the mistake of

asking me someone's name.

Oh, you're the worst at that,

bro.

You know, you've screwed me

over so many times with that!

You get me at least once a

week.

I call someone the wrong name.

He even turns it around

on me.

He does it to me where I get the

name right, and I go, "hey,

Jenny, what's going on?"

He goes, "you know her name's

not Jenny, right?"

[ Laughs ]

Everybody knows, when you get in

an elevator, you hit your

button, you look forward, and

you make believe no one else

exists.

We're gonna ride up and down

in the elevator with a bunch of

strangers, and we have to do and

say whatever the other guys tell

us to.

'Cause if you refuse, you

lose.

Okay, sal, go get 'em.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

Floor?

12.

Tell her you're going

upstairs to lose your virginity.

I'm headed upstairs to lose

my virginity.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, really?

Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

Uh-huh.

[ Laughter ]

She's not saying anything.

Look.

She can't wait to get out.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

[ Laughter ]

She's off.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

All right, with this dude,

just make an annoying sound.

Do you know what time it is?

Uh...

Unhhhhhhhhh.

Sal, don't stop.

Unhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

Oh, man. I can't believe it.

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughter ]

All right, Joe is in.

Joe, when they get in, shake

what your mama gave you.

Really go to town.

Like a stripper, bro. Go.

[ Sighs ]

[ Laughter ]

It's your dance floor, baby.

That's it, that's it.

There you go.

[ Laughter ]

[ Sighs ]

What strip clubs have you

been going to?

[ Laughs ]

I'm gonna be heading up.

All right, start having a

loud argument... like, an

incredibly loud one, Joe.

I don't care. Come on.

I don't even care.

No! No! No!

No! No!

[ Laughter ]

No!

No!

No!

[ Laughter ]

No!

No! No!

No!

No!

No!

[ Elevator bell dings ]

No! It's "no"!

No! No!

Are you getting off here?

12? Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

No!

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughter ]

Let's throw murr under the

bus, shall we?

Yes.

Hey, murr, tell this guy you

got to take a massive dump.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

[ Laughter ]

You got to dump it up.

I got a poop alert.

[ Chuckles ]

Poop alert? Poop alert.

And then, when the door

opens, run.

Run, run, run!

[ Elevator bell dings ]

Go! Knock the lady over.

[ Laughter ]

[ Elevator bell dings ]

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Act like somebody farted in

there.

There's only two of them.

[ Sniffs ]

Oh, my god.

[ Laughter ]

Do you smell that?

No, I'm not sure. Is it bad?

It's getting worse as we

go up.

If it's bad, I mean, I don't

want to...

Whoo!

Oh, my god!

Murr, ask her is she did it.

Is that me?

I don't...

Or is it you?

No, it's not me.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

Are you sure?

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Okay.

You're going to 12?

I'm going to 5.

Q, make it stop on every

floor.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

Good luck.

[ Laughing ] They've only

gone one floor.

This is the mezzanine.

This is the mezzanine?

He's pressing every button on

the elevator.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

6. Good luck.

He just keeps pushing the

buttons.

All right, well, good luck.

No, I still have three more

floors.

[ Laughter ]

Wait, don't press any more.

Let 12 light up.

He didn't go anywhere.

Wait.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

Good luck.

[ Laughs ]

You're still on 9.

I'm sorry. I got it. Come on.

Don't press any more.

You blew it.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

Let me do it.

I don't want you to.

All right, well, good luck.

[ Laughter ]

Howdy. What floor you going on?

Q, ask this woman to pop a

pimple on your back.

He'll never do it.

Hi.

Hi.

[ Chuckles ]

He'll never do it.

She's too hot.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ]

Do it, q.

Stop stalling, buddy.

[ Soft, romantic music plays ]

[ Record scratches ]

I can't. She's too cute.

You're on hidden camera.

Oh! Come on!

She's way too nice.

[ Buzzer ]

The quickest way to lose is

to let people know that

we're filming.

"There's a camera here,

there."

Loss is a funny concept,

'cause digits...

That's her real phone number?

Let me see this.

Let me see this.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: So q goes down,

giving us a 4-way tie.

Gentlemen, we're standing at

the precipice of the unknown.

It's a 4-way tie.

What does this mean... none

of us get punished?

No, we all get punished.

♪ Dunh dunh duh

We're here at Ashley Taylor's

hair salon for a one-of-a-kind,

totally unprecedented, 4-way

punishment.

This is unbelievable.

Yeah, it's nuts.

Meaning, we get to do

whatever we want to each other's

hair... whatever we want.

We're go in order from most

cool to least cool, so i'm

first.

[ Chuckles ]

You're last.

[ Laughter ]

[ Rapping ] ♪ do it, do it

first up to slaughter.

Joe doesn't like long hair,

so I want to work with that.

We're gonna go for a

Michael Bolton with him today.

And when he walks down the

street after this, I want people

to look at him and be like,

"what the [bleep] is that guy

doing?"

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ]

Okay.

[ Laughter ]

So...

Don't call me mustache.

This clown called me a mustache.

[ Laughs ]

Ready for this?

[ Laughter ]

Look at my creation.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Soft music plays ]

We're gonna go ahead... i'm

gonna want this this color.

So, that's step one.

Let's do that.

I quit.

[ Chuckles ]

What the hell is that?

The bleach.

We're gonna put this in.

Bleach?

We have to first bleach

his hair?

Like bleach that they use on

clothes?

The bleach can cause skin

irritation and burn you.

Oh, my god, you just remind

me of my grandmother.

Did you hear Dorothy's godson

bought the house at the end of

the block?

I did, I did.

He's hot [bleep] now.

Take a look... Captain.

That's your new hairstyle.

Open up. Aw.

[ Laughter ]

Oh! Come on!

You look ridiculous.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Razor buzzing ]

Oh ho ho.

[ Spitting ]

[ Laughter ]

Getting hair in my eyes!

What exactly is going on here?!

What... what... what... what is

being done to me?

I want to know what's being done

to me.

Ow!

Holy [bleep]

Oh, what's the matter?

Does it hurt?

Oh!

I just... I got stabbed in

the skull just now!

Oh, it's just chemical

bleach.

Ow!

Ow!

Aah!!

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, my god.

Are you gonna cry?

No. No, but this is f'ed up.

No, you look great.

[ Laughter ]

[ Italian accent ] Hey,

welcome to my job, eh?

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it.

[ Laughter ]

That's okay. Hey.

♪ Dunh-dunh dunh... dunh-duh

♪ dunh-dunh dunh-dunh

duh-duh-duh duh ♪

♪ hey

♪ dunh-dunh dunh-dunh-duh

♪ huh-duh day-duh-day

♪ dunh-dunh dunh-dunh

dunh-dunh-duh ♪

[ chuckles ]

[ Laughing ] Oh, my god!

What the [bleep]

[ Laughter ]

Could you imagine this coming

at you in the middle of the

night?

[ Laughter ]

Could you imagine this coming

at you in the middle of the