All language subtitles for Alfred Hitchcock s04e35 Touche.eng

Good evening, amigos.

I fear the day of the illiterate
swordsman has passed.

They seem to be spending so much time
writing that they are neglecting their

really important work, skewering
opponents.

It's a very unhealthy state of affairs.

Take this gentleman, for example.
Listen.

He couldn't possibly win a duel.

Yet he can write 60 words a minute.

Now here is someone who can neither duel
nor write, but can speak volumes

and insists on doing so.

early today, Mr. Fleming. Yeah, I took
about a hundred yard walk into the woods

with my young friend here, shot the lid
off a can and decided I needed a drink.

Smartest decision I made this year.

Otto, I'd like a bourbon sour, one of
those triple action specials did you so

well. What about you?

The same, please.

Oh, boy.

What time did I stop drinking last
night?

I'm not sure.

You... Left here at 2 in the morning,
but you were carrying a full bottle by

neck.

Did I, uh... Did I talk a lot?

Let's just say that you talked.

Well, I don't see why I should be
bending your ear with my troubles.

Sandy, I only met you yesterday.

It was about her, wasn't it?

My wife.

Yeah, she...

You talked about her quite a bit, but
that wasn't topic A.

You kept saying that you wanted to kill
a man.

I mean, you went to some length about
it.

Did I?

I told you about my wife, how she cheats
on me. She makes up to every man she

meets except her own husband.

Well, you were fairly graphic about it,
Bill. I can't say that you...

Skipped many details.

You know, I'm thinking about it
academically.

Academically in a moose's eye. I must
have had a hole in my head the size of

apple the day I married her.

Cute little freewheeling 22 -year -old
cupcake and me just past 50 Saturday

before.

Sure, I could kill Baxter if you really,
really want to know.

Thank you, Alex.

Thank you.

Look,

it's none of my business, but why this
exclusive grievance against Baxter? From

what you've told me, he's not exactly
the only one.

Well, let's say he's the reigning
favorite and the only one in the pack

used to consider a friend.

That makes a difference, you know.

A man my age and two of them carrying on
like monkeys.

Of course I could kill him. The only
trouble is he won't fight.

Well, that would never do at all. I
mean, your fists would be considered

weapons in a court of law.

You were a professional fighter once.

How did you know that?

I read an article about you just a few
weeks ago in Huntington Sportsman's

Annual.

Why try to shrug it off, Bill? Look, I
was... I was as impressed as the

Let me give you the simple rundown as
they had it in the magazine.

Bill Fleming, ex -lumberjack,
professional pride fighter, prospector,

lumber tycoon, and millionaire.

Not necessarily in that order. Well,
look here to you, I won't pretend I

impressed. Go ahead and enjoy yourself.

Adam, how about a refill? I was ahead of
you this time, Mr. Fleming.

I'm not sure you got that.

Now, just what is that supposed to be?

It's for plucking olives from martinis,
Bill.

No self -respecting saloon would be
without one.

No.

I was thinking of that same article I
read. It said that you've managed to put

together the finest private collection
of dueling weapons in California.

That's just icing on the cake, you know,
a wig for a bald personality, if you

get what I mean.

I was collecting this stuff because I
was trying to keep that popular

legend still alive, you know. The house
is hung with them like cooked spaghetti.

They dangle everywhere.

Believe me right now, I wouldn't trade
you a good fish knife for the whole lot

of them.

I was trying to be somebody or something
that I never am going to be.

But that Baxter... Cocky rooster.

Never worked a day in his life, never
fought his way out of a paper towel.

He didn't need a phony prop like that.

There he is with Laura now, in my house.

The two of them.

as cozy as lice in a locket.

Bill?

Did you ever think of... Did you ever
think of challenging

Baxter to a duel?

What? I know this sounds...

Because as I said before, I'm only, you
know, I'm only speaking academically.

Academically, I've learned, you know,
since I've been talking to you smart

fellas, it means you're wrapping a bomb
in a package that'll look like two

pounds of fudge.

All right, let's just say then that the
whole thing, you know, fascinates me.

Why? Well, you talked last night and
again today how you'd like to kill this

Baxter and, in a technical sense, you
know, not murder him.

Am I close to the truth?

Close to it. You're sitting right on top
of it. As much as I hate Baxter, I like

the gas chamber even less.

All I want to do is belt him in the
mouth about three times, wring his neck,

then throw him through a tightly locked
window.

Bill, you're a throwback to the days of
the old Wild West, but for an ex

-professional fighter, I'm afraid that
wouldn't be the most strategic approach.

As I told you before, I'll be taking my
bar examination in the spring, so I'm

more fascinated by the legal than the
personal aspects of your situation.

What's dueling got to do with it? I'm
getting to that.

I'm trying to tell you that under
California law, they still grant special

consideration to anyone who damages or,
for that matter,

kills. Another person in a duel.

You see, there are all sorts of odd
provisions remaining on the statutes

the days of Spanish rule.

Do you know that? I don't know my left
ear from Yosemite National Park, but it

doesn't mean I'm not willing to learn.

Well, actually, what I'm talking about
is pretty well covered in Section 33478

of the Civil Code.

You see, it still remains in the minds
of most of us that a duel, represents an

affair of honor, so that the conditions
in your own case, they couldn't be

better. I mean, you said before that
your... You've said before that your

affair with Baxter is on what... what
you might somewhat call a

semi -public scale, haven't you?

You mean they've done everything but
sell tickets?

Yeah. And that, plus the fact that...
Baxter was, for a brief time, one of

closest friends.

Oh, listen.

I can tell you this right now. The
average jury would vote you three cheers

a bottle of your favorite brandy if you
killed Baxter in a duel.

If I were able to represent you, I could
guarantee an acquittal.

Not that we're...

No, not that we're talking seriously, of
course. We're not only speculating.

No, no, no, hold on a minute. I want to
think.

Now, it's ridiculous. It never worked. A
man who won't fight with his hands

hasn't much belly for any other things.

There's no gangster.

I'd go down there and he'd just stand
and smile at me. He'd say, hello, Bill,

help yourself.

Make me feel like an assassin or an
idiot.

A man can be made to fight with a sword.

Not Baxter.

You don't know Baxter. Any man, Bill.

If you goad him enough.

Dick him enough.

Keep it up is what I mean until, well,
if he has a weapon at hand, he's going

defend himself. Any kind of a creature
will fight under certain circumstances.

saint, a worm, or... Oh, you're Mr.
Baxter.

How academic would you like me to be?

You live in California, don't you?

Oh, sure.

Just across the border, about 300 miles
from here. And a country like this,

isn't it? Yeah, big.

Stick of pig. Nobody would ever hear him
holler.

You want a drink?

You want another drink?

No.

No, I don't think so.

I... Can't afford to get drunk today.

Why back so soon?

Wasn't the hunting any good up there?

The hunting was lousy up there.

But I think it's going to get better
from now on.

Get up on your feet.

Come on now.

Let's not spoil a pleasant evening, old
boy.

Are you drunk, dear?

Drunk as usual.

Not as usual.

This time a little differently.

Something new has been added.

Drunk or sober, dear, no man can
impersonate the three musketeers by

This is not going to be a solo
performance.

I repeat my invitation.

Get up on your feet.

What's this supposed to be? A parlor
game to end all parlor games.

I'm going to kill you.

Oh, sure, Bill. Yes, Bill.

Do you mind if I finish my martini
first?

You know, it's pretty strong for tip
-top, isn't it? Get up, Baxter. Get up.

Honestly, Bill.

Laura, I think maybe you better fix our
boy a nice soothing drink or else help

him get his head under the shower.

Now, look, Bill, all jokes aside now,
fun is fun. Yeah, so they tell me,

especially when the husband's away.

If you had the guts of a mouse, you'd
pick up that saber and not make me stick

you like a side of beef.

You know something? He could be just
foolish enough to believe this.

I don't want to spoil anybody's party,
but maybe you better just call the cop.

Stop it!

Are you out of your mind?

Maybe I am. Maybe I am just enough to
get this job done right. Stop it!

Bill, listen.

Laura. Laura, talk to him.

I don't think he's fooling.

I don't think he's fooling at all.

They're only skin wounds.

You're just as healthy as I am and you
know as much about swords as I do.

Anybody does. Now pick it up and fight.

Can't we talk about it, Bill?

Talk about what? You're better off
fighting than you are bleeding to death.

I'm going to stick you again.

Oh, no, you don't.

Stand up and fight.

I kind of figured you'd be here.

What happened to you?

Nothing much happened to me. I killed a
man, that's all. I figured you boys

would be entitled to know.

You killed a man, huh?

I don't believe that.

You're not drunk, are you, Bill?

I'm not drunk at all. I just killed a
man in a duel.

In a duel.

Now I know you're drunk.

Look, this happens to be 19... 1900 and
Doomsday, especially for Phil Baxter.

I ran a favor through his belly about 20
minutes ago.

Baxter?

You mean you came back here early
from... Go ahead, stay a day and don't

about my feelings.

I came back early and I found him with
Laura.

Well, not a surprise to you, is it? I
mean, it wasn't any secret, was it?

No, Bill, I guess not.

As a matter of fact, I don't think
anybody would blame you too much.

I was a cop. I shouldn't be saying that.

As a friend, well, there isn't much I
can do except call the chief and get him

out of bed. I know, Dan. It's your job.

A saber, Bill?

Well, you can bet it wasn't a scout
knife. You've seen that stuff I have up

the house.

Baxter, did he have a chance?

He had a saber.

You had the same chance I had, man.

Wouldn't you say?

Well, like I said, I got to call the
chief and the coroner. They don't want

go out to your house right away.

One other thing about your wife. Is she
all right?

Depends what you call all right.

If you mean did I do anything to her,
the answer is no.

Maybe I should have. Maybe I even wanted
to. But I've never been any good with

women. The chief is never going to
believe this, I'm telling you. After all

times you, me, and him went fishing
together.

Oh, another thing, Bill, a friendly tip.

Might be smart to call your lawyer on
that other phone before you do any more

talking to me or anybody else.

I got you.

Chief Brewster, please.

Well, I don't pretend to make any excuse
for what happened. If I told you I had

any noble motive other than satisfying
my anger and my humiliation, I'd be

lying. It's, well...

Just a case of I came home that night
when they didn't expect me. I found the

two of them together, and what happened
after that I've told you time and again.

How long had you known Philip Baxter?

Well, not too long, about a year and a
half. I didn't know much about his

affairs, and there was a time there when
I considered him a pretty close friend.

And then I began to hear things, and I
realized that it wasn't any secret to a

lot of people that...

My wife and Baxter were carrying on
together.

All I wanted to do was punch his nose or
break his neck.

Did you attempt to punch Philip Baxter
the night he was killed?

No, sir.

Why not?

Well, nothing would have pleased him
more.

See, I was a professional fighter in my
younger days, and, well, I outweighed

him 40 pounds.

How do you believe it would have pleased
him if you had hit him?

Well, the same way it would please
little guys that don't weigh more than a

of wet socks that used to throw punches
at Jack Dempsey, just in the hopes that

the champ would clobber them one and
they could drag him into court.

See, Baxter knew I had money, and he
wanted that as much as he wanted my

I see.

Now, Mr.

Fleming, I must ask you again.

If, in this duel you fought with him,
Philip Baxter was equally armed,

Baxter had exactly the same weapon I
did.

Thank you.

You know, it's good to have real
friends. Mr. Fleming? Yes?

Mr. Fleming, the judge would like to see
you inside with Mr. Faber. Now?

Now, if you don't mind, sir.

Sit down.

Now, frankly, gentlemen...

I feel that this jury, sentimental as
their approach might have been, was

entitled to return a verdict if not
guilty.

I think that my instructions to them
reflected my own feelings.

You agree, George?

Oh, completely, sir.

Good. Then we'll get on to the matter at
hand.

Now, just as Bill was the beneficiary of
the liberal provisions of the Civil

Code in reference to duels, I feel that
I must in all conscience give due

consideration to another provision of
Section 33478.

And I'll quote.

If any person slays or permanently
disables another person in a duel in

state, the person must provide for the
widow or wife of the person slain or

permanently disabled and for the
children in such a manner and at such a

either by aggregate compensation and
damages to each or by a monthly,

or annual allowance to be determined by
the court.

Now, having anticipated this, I can tell
you both that the deceased Philip

Baxter was a widower.

But he is survived by a son.

Now, bearing in mind the substantial
wealth of the successful duelist, I've

already decided to award the son an
aggregate compensation in the amount of

,000, plus a monthly allowance of $1
,000 per month for life.

Well, isn't that terribly steep?

For a man's life?

What do you think, Bill?

To be rid of Baxter and a free man
myself?

It's cheap at half the price.

I'll go in with you, Bill. No, never
mind.

Just going to throw a few things in the
bag. You can drive me back to that

hotel.

I'm not sure if I heard someone,
darling.

Music is so loud.

Hello dear.

Welcome.

I thought I heard you stumbling around
outside.

Can I make you a drink?

We have company.

You expect me to be surprised?

Yes dear.

Well, naturally, I never mentioned to
you before that I was Philip Baxter,

Jr. After all, that would have spoiled
the fun.

My feeling is that, well, we should put
the past behind us, Bill.

Well, since I'm going to be your guest
for the next 50 years or so, well, would

you mind if I called your dad?

This is not quite the end of our story.

One duel later, Junior was dead and
Fleming was in prison.

I believe I see a very rich and pompous
landowner approaching with another

one -minute proclamation.

I shall return anon.

I'm quite excited.

I have here the very latest model.

It has tremendous commercial
possibilities.

You see, this one writes underwater.

Now, if we can just get the bankers to
approve.

Next week, we shall be back with another
story.

Until then, good night.

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