Original subtitles

("RED DWARF" THEME)

Hello? Can you hear me?

Oh, no. Of course not. I haven't engaged your verbal systems.

(LISTER) Kryten!

Kryten, what you doing, man?

I've just repaired the toaster, sir. Well, I've nearly repaired the toaster.

Oh, no, man! Dismantle him! You don't know what the little bleeder's like!

Well, I've read all the documentation, sir. He's simply a talking alarm clock

who provides his owner with early morning toast and light conversation.

- Not this one, this one's mental. - Sir?

He's defective. He wants everyone to eat toast all of the time, he's obsessed with it.

And if you don't want to eat, like 400 rounds of toast every hour, he throws a major wobbler.

- That's what caused the accident in the first place. - What accident?

The accident involving me, the toaster, the waste disposal and a 14-pound lump hammer.

That explains why he was down in the garbage hold in 3,000 separate pieces.

And another thing. He always says "Howdy doodly do". Drives you spare.

I mean, what the smeg does "Howdy doodly do" mean?

Well, just trust me, sir. My motives will become clear.

(CHIRPY VOICE) Howdy doodly do! How's it going? I'm Talkie,

Talkie Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion.

Talkie's the name, toasting's the game. Anyone like any toast?

I don't want any toast and he doesn't want any toast.

In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. No toast.

- How about a muffin? - Or muffins! We don't like muffins round here!

We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes,

no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels,

no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes,

no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns

and DEFINITELY no smeggin' flapjacks!

Ah, so you're a waffle man!

See? You see what he's like? He winds me up, man. There's no reasoning with him!

If you'll allow me, sir. As one mechanical to another, he'll understand me.

Now, now you listen here. You will not offer any grilled bread products to any member of the crew.

Now, if you do, you will be on the receiving end of a very large polo mallet!

- Can I ask just one question? - Of course.

Would anyone like any toast?

Didn't you hear what I just said?

Yes, but I thought you might have changed your mind in the meantime.

You see? You see what he's like?

- We haven't changed our mind! - No toast!

But I'm a toaster. It is my raison d'étre. I toast, therefore I am.

- If you don't want any toast, why did you repair me, hmm? - Yeah, why did you repair him?

He's a guinea pig for a technique called "intelligence compression".

His Al chips were very badly damaged in the accident.

Well, that was no accident. That was first-degree toastercide!

- Look, just shut your grill! - Ow!

By re-routing his circuitry and channelling all his run-time through a single CPU,

I've managed to restore his intelligence, at the cost of reducing his operational lifespan.

- So? - So, if it works with him, it could work with Holly.

We could restore her IQ of 6,000. She could be brilliant again.

You really think this could work? You really think that airhead of a computer can become a genius again?

Well, with no disrespect to Holly, sir, it could hardly make her worse.

Right. If we can just teach her to count without banging her head on the screen, it's gonna be an improvement.

Computer senility - it's such a weird condition.

I know. I had a mechanoid friend once who suffered from the same affliction. His name was Gilbert,

but he preferred if people called him 'Rameses Niblick Ill Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble'?

- A sad case. - Well, if you ask me, the Eskimos had the right idea.

They knew how to handle the elderly and the permanently baffled.

Middle of the night, they'd take them out into the blizzard, remove their pyjamas

and just leave them to it.

And that's how the Eskimos cared for their old people?

Absolutely. That's why there's no Eskimo word for "Eastbourne".

We can pull this off, man.

If Holly can get her brains back, she'll be able to do anything -

invent a hyperdrive, get us back to Earth...

If Earth still exists. And if it does, it's very doubtful the human race will have survived.

All right then. A time machine. She can invent a time machine

and we could all pick whatever period in history we wanted to live in.

Well, it'll be the 19th century for me. One of Napoleon's marshals.

The chance to march across Europe with the greatest general of all time and kill Belgians.

- Marvellous. - What about you, Kryters?

Well, if I could go anywhere, absolutely anywhere at all in time,

I think I'd probably choose to go back to a week last Tuesday.

- Why? - Don't you remember?

I did all the laundry and then we watched TV.

Wow, we won't see the like of those sort of days again.

- How long now? - Nearly there, Hol.

Just a couple of minutes to load the circuits, and I dunno, maybe a minute to finalise the connection.

(BANG, BANG, BANG)

That's just three minutes, then? Better get down to the science room.

We'd better pray to God this works.

That ion storm has really done her head in, man.

(BLEEPING)

- There's the signal. Everything's set. - Well, let's just hope you don't get an overload.

- What happens if I do get an overload? - You'll explode.

I'll live.

It's coming. I can feel it.

Strike a light! I'm a genius again!

I know everything! Metaphysics, philosophy, the purpose of being - everything!

- Ask me any question. Any question, and I'll answer it. - Any question?

Yes.

How to break the speed of light? How to marry quantum mechanics and classical physics?

Any question at all? Truly anything and you will answer?

- Yes. - OK, here's my question...

Would you like some toast?

No, thank you. Now ask me another.

Do you know anything about the use of chaos theory in predicting weather cycles?

I know everything there is to know about chaos theory in predicting weather cycles.

Oh, very well. Here's my second question...

Would you like a crumpet?

I'm a computer with a IQ of 12,000.

You don't seem to understand - I know the meaning of the universe.

- That is not answering my question. - No, I would not like a crumpet!

Ask me a sensible question. Preferably one that isn't bread-related.

Very well. I have a third question.

A sensible question. A question that will tax your new IQ to its very limits

and stretch the sinews of your knowledge to bursting point.

This is going to be about waffles, isn't it?

Certainly not. And I resent the implication

that I'm a one-dimensional, bread-obsessed electrical appliance.

I apologise, toaster. What's the question?

The question is this - given that God is infinite,

and that the universe is also infinite,

would you like a toasted teacake?

That's another bready question.

It's not just bready. It's quite curranty, too.

Ask me a question that is wholly unbready and not even slightly curranty.

OK. Why have you got an IQ of 12,000 when it was supposed to return and level out at six?

Good question! There was a miscalculation.

My IQ has doubled, but my life expectancy has been exponentially reduced.

So what is your life expectancy? 345 years? Well, it's better than a kick in the bread tray.

- Missed the decimal point... - You have only 3.41 years left to live?

That's not years. That's minutes! 3.41 minutes!

Well, here's my next question - what the smeg are you going to do?!

In order to conserve my remaining run-time, I'm going to... switch myself off!

Wait! Before you go, there is one question, an important one the others will have to know!

- What, what?! - Would you like a cheese and ham Breville?

No indication of signal failure. All the signs are excellent.

I really believe we've done it.

(ENGINES FALL SILENT)

- What's happened? - What's going on?

Listen. Can anyone hear anything?

- No. - Precisely. No one can hear anything.

- And you know why we can't hear anything? - Why?

Because there are no sounds to hear.

Kryten, isn't it around about this time of year that your head goes back to the lab for re-tuning?

No, no, he's right. There's no sounds because the engines are dead.

We've lost all power!

Everything's down, man! Even the doors.

We've got to get to the science room, find out what's happened.

There are 53 doors between here and the Science Room. What on earth are we going to do?

Hey, I got it. We laser our way through!

Ah! An excellent suggestion, sir, with just two minor drawbacks.

One - we don't have a power source for the lasers.

And two - we don't have any lasers.

Look, they're only interior doors. They're only a light alloy.

Maybe we could get through them if we use a battering ram.

All we need is something, say, I dunno, six foot long, fairly sturdy, with a flat top.

53 doors?! You can't be serious!

- You OK, man? - I'm fine, thank you, Susan.

It doesn't make sense. Holly's seems to have off-lined and powered down the ship.

Why? Why would she want to turn herself off?

We can soon find out. Kryten, boot her up.

Try it again.

Go away!

What's going on? Give me voice control on the reboot command.

(BLEEPING)

- On. - Off.

- On. - Off.

- On. - Off.

Kryten, is there any way can we override her shutdown veto?

- There is sir, but may I suggest that... - Don't, just do it.

- On. - Off. Off... OFF!

Now then, perhaps we can have a proper conversation conducted in a civilised and dignified manner.

- Take out the inhibitor! Switch me back off! - What is going on?

No time to explain. Intelligence compressed. Reduced lifespan. 2.35 remaining.

- Come again? - IQ 12,000. Two minutes and closing.

Holly, I haven't the slightest clue what you are drivelling about.

You're a total smeghead, aren't you, Rimmer?

Why are you so unable to grasp this extraordinarily simple premise?

What premise?

The premise that I am about to expire in just under two minutes.

Understand, moose brain? Any further questions? Take your time.

One minute thirty and counting. No rush.

- My God, that's terrible! Hadn't we better switch you off? - Oh, I don't know, let me see, now...

Get her off, man! Get her off!

- Great. So where does this leave us? - Leaves us floating aimlessly in space,

with no navigation and a rapidly diminishing emergency power supply.

It leaves us galloping up Diarrhoea Drive without a saddle.

So how come Grand Canyon Nostrils is still here?

Yeah, Rimmer hasn't been wiped.

Holly must have linked him up to the emergency power supply.

- But isn't that an enormous drain? - Yes, but if we switch off his projection unit

we wouldn't have enough emergency power to re-initialise him.

Mr Rimmer would be effectively dead.

Hey, things are looking up already!

Forget it. Whatever it is you're suggesting, forget it.

But the entire ship is running on emergency battery power only.

With the oxygen recycler and minimal heating and lighting,

I estimate that Lister and the Cat have approximately two months left.

Without your drain on the power, they might last six. I'm sorry, sir.

Sorry? Why are you sorry?

Well, the Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation,

a hologrammatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive.

Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance, you metal bastard."

Come on, man! You gotta sacrifice your life! I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do.

You? You'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew?

No, I'd sacrifice YOUR life for the good of the crew.

I beg you to reconsider, sir. Human history is resplendent with examples of such sacrifice.

Remember Captain Oates? "I'm going out for a walk. I may be some time."

Yes, but the thing is about Captain Oates...

The thing you have to remember about Captain Oates... Captain Oates...

Captain Oates was a prat. If that've been me, I'd have stayed in the tent,

whacked Scott over the head with a frozen husky... and then eaten him.

- You would, wouldn't you? - History, Lister, is written by the winners.

How do we know that Oates went out for this legendary walk?

From the only surviving document - Scott's diary.

And he's hardly likely to have written down "February 1st, bludgeoned Oates to death while he slept,

"then scoffed him along with the last packet of instant mash."

How's that going to look when he gets rescued, eh? No.

Much better to say, "Oates made the supreme sacrifice"

while you're dabbing up his gravy with the last piece of crusty bread.

You've got no magnificence in your soul, have you Rimmer?

Let's just say we can eliminate the switch-off option.

- So what do we do now? - Well, it's back to basics.

We've got no heat, no light, no power. We can't get any food out of the dispensing machines.

we're gonna have to scavenge for what we can find in the cargo decks.

Without computers and technology, we're reduced to the level of primitives.

Alls we've got is us, guys. Us and our own resourcefulness.

My God. It's worse than I thought.

Come on, come on! You're slowing down!

I've been doing it for 20 minutes. Of course I'm slowing down!

- Keep going, buddy. We're nearly there. - Look, face it man,

It's just not possible to fry an egg using a bicycle-powered hairdryer.

Sure it is! It's just you never pedal fast enough. Now come on! Keep pumping! One last try!

(HAIRDRYER WHIRRS) - Yeah! We're cookin' now!

How do you want yours? Permed or blow-dried?

I can't go on, man. I'm finished. Finished.

So what are you saying? We're back on the cold beans again?

Oh, not more beans, man.

This place is beginning to smell like the inside of a packet of dry roasted peanuts.

Plus, we're going to have to spend another 20 minutes sawing the lid off the can 'cause all the openers are electric.

Everything on the smeggin' ship's electric, man -

heat, lights, doors.

I never realised how dependent we were.

I never realised how little I know, I just plugged things in walls and pressed the "on" button.

I don't even know how to make oxygen, alls I know is it's something to do with plants and it ends in "osis".

Or is it "esis"? I don't know! Why did I never pay attention in biology class?

Why did I always turn to page 47 and start drawing little beards and moustaches on the sperms?

Look, just conserve your energy. Stan and Ollie will soon be back with supplies.

Meanwhile, let's just stay warm and get some sleep.

- Yeah, man. You're right, you're right. - Hey hey! Where you going, bud?

- To get some sleep. - It's Tuesday, right?

Yeah. So?

My turn on the electric blanket. Pedal.

Wake me in eight hours.

Five days to get to and from the cargo deck. It's unbelievable!

That's 2,000 floors, sir. Without the lifts, we made pretty good time.

(THUNDEROUS CRASH)

Hmm... Interesting.

(HUMMING)

(SLOWED DOWN) My heavens! What on earth was that?

(SPEEDED UP) I think it came from outside the ship. Are you OK?

(SPEEDED UP) Is there any way we can get a damage report? What's going on?

Why are you speaking so quickly, sir?

I'm not speaking quickly. I'm speaking perfectly normally. It's you. You're speaking too slowly.

It's like having a conversation with Paul Robeson on dope.

(HUMMING)

- (NORMAL SPEED) How do I sound now? - Normal. How do I sound?

Likewise.

(HUMMING)

(SLOWED DOWN) What about from over here? (SPEEDED UP) You sound very peculiar indeed, sir.

In fact you sound as if you're speaking in slow motion.

(HUMMING)

- And now? - Normal. Curious.

It's as thought we're experiencing relative time dilation in an amazingly compressed space.

That's exactly what I thought. Relative time dilation, I thought, in an amazingly compressed space.

You're a mind-reader, Kryten.

I think we should go to the science room and consult Holly. It's only two floors up.

But, she's got less than two minutes of run-time left.

With her new IQ, it could be enough.

- So, what is it? - I've never seen one before, no one has,

- but I'm guessing it's a white hole. - A white hole?

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

A black hole sucks time and matter out of the universe. A white hole returns it.

So that thing's spewing time back into the universe?

Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.

- So, what is it? - I've never seen one before, no one has,

- but I'm guessing it's a white hole. - A white hole?

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

A black hole sucks time and matter out of the universe. A white hole returns it.

So that thing's spewing time back into the universe?

Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.

- What time phenomena? - Like just then, when time repeated itself.

So, what is it?

Only joking.

OK, so it's decided, then. We consult Holly.

Hey, wait a minute. I missed the discussion!

- We all did. - Time is occurring in random pockets.

The laws of causality no longer apply.

- An action no longer leads to a consequence. - So, what is it?

I think we've experienced this period of time before, sir.

- Only joking. - And that one.

Since we're no longer affected by the laws of causality,

we can override these time jumps if we concentrate.

- Look, the only way out of this is to consult Holly. - I'll go with that.

- Gets my vote. - OK, so it's decided, then. We consult Holly.

Ah, I think we've just encountered the middle of this conversation.

- So, what is it? - Oh, someone punch him out. Boot Holly up.

She only has two minutes left. Perhaps I should talk to her.

Leave this to me, Kryten. On. White hole. Spewing time.

- Engines dead. Air supply low. Advice please. - Excuse me?

- White hole. Spewing time. Engines dead. Air- - I can't understand a word you're saying-

- White. - Yes?

- Hole. - Right.

- Spewing. - Yes?

- Time - With you.

- Engines dead. - Oh

- Air supply low. - Ah?

- Advice, please. - Right.

It's a computer slug. From the format, it looks like it's compatible with Starbug's navicomp.

- So, what is it? - I've never seen one before, no one has,

- but I'm guessing it's a white hole. - A white hole?

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction...

- We should be getting something now, sir. - Yeah.

It's the most audacious piece of astronavigation in the entire history of the universe.

- I don't understand. - It's quite straightforward, sir.

Starbug is going to fire a thermonuclear device into this sun here,

creating a solar flare which is going to knock that planet out of orbit

and send it rocketing across space and into a white hole, presumably blocking it up.

Let me get this straight. Is she doing what I think she's doing?

- Why, what do you think she's doing? - Playing pool with planets.

- Is that possible? - Well, it's not gonna work. It's completely insane.

It's whacko. It's noodle-doodle.

- I'm with you, buddy. - No, not the idea, the shot. There's not enough side.

- Side? - Yeah, side-spin. It's a complete miscue.

What are you drivelling about, Lister? We're talking about a computer with an IQ in excess of 12,000.

Doesn't mean she can play pool. I can. Trust me.

I know whereof I speak. Aigburth Arms on a Friday night, they used to call me Dave "Cinzano Bianco" Lister -

'cause once I was on a table, you couldn't get rid of me.

This pool arm is as sound as a dollarpound, and I promise you. That shot will not come off.

She's topped it, that's what she's done, she's topped it. It's a felt-ripper.

That planet is off the table and into somebody's pint of beer.

We are talking about the trigonomics of four-dimensional space, you simple-minded gimboid!

We are not talking about some seedy game of pool in a backstreet Scouse drinking pit.

- It's the same principle. - Of course it isn't.

Rimmer, I promise you, that is a complete miscue.

I say we chuck Holly's coordinates in the bin and let me take the shot.

Well, I say we put it to the vote.

On one hand, we have a computer with an IQ in excess of 12,000,

who has a total grasp of astrophysics.

And on the other hand, we have Lister, who - and let's be fair to him - is a complete gimp.

To whom do we entrust our lives, the safety of this vessel and the future of everything?

If it's a tie, we go with Holly. What's your vote, Lister?

Well, I vote for Dave "Cinzano Bianco" Lister.

- One-nil to Listypoos. I vote for Holly. Cat? - Well, I agree with you, buddy,

but I'm voting for Doodoo-Breath.

Thing is, even though you're right, I could not bring myself to vote for someone with your dress sense.

I couldn't put my cross next to the Bri-Nylon Party.

- Down to you, Kryten. - Well, I agree it's insane and suicidal, sir,

but I'm afraid I have to side with the human.

- Brutal! - You're voting for El Dirtball?

It's in my programming, sir. A living human outranks a hologram.

- I'm sorry. - Three-one to me! Let's do it!

Congratulations, Kryten. Your vote has just killed everyone.

Will you relax? I've seen Gerbil-Face play down in the recreation room. He's a diva!

He can knock those stripy balls around the table all night long,

and I tell you what, I have never once seen him lose a single ball down one of those holes!

- How many of those are you going to drink? - I told you not to talk. Game on.

You're going to drink an entire six-pack of "wicked strength" lager?

I'm not gonna get plastered, Rimmer, just... just nicely drunk.

Define "nicely drunk". Is "nicely drunk" horizontal or perpendicular?

- Rimmer, I can handle it. - I'm not sure I can.

We're in the wrong position. It's an easier shot if we were over here.

But, that's right in the orbital path of the planet! If you miss, we're going to get a planet in the face.

- I'm not gonna mish. - "Mish"?

- What? - You said "mish". "I'm not gonna mish." you said.

- You've only had two cans and you're steaming! - Rimmer, will you relax.

I know what I'm doing. I am not pished.

(CLATTER)

(RESOUNDING BLAST)

(RIMMER) He's missed.

We're finished.

What the smeg is going on?!

(LISTER) She rides!

- You jammy goit! - Played for and got!

- Oh, surely not, sir. - Are you trying to say that was a trick shot?

Intended! Pool god! King of the cues! Prince of the planet-potters!

'Ere, what's goin' on? Where are we? What happened to that plan to make me brilliant again?

Of course. Blocking up the white hole has eradicated its influence.

The time it spewed into the universe no longer exists.

Meaning?

Well, basically we occupy a redundant timeline.

Reviving the toaster, making Holly a genius - none of this is going to have happened.

What about us? Are we just going to pop out of existence? Just going to cease to be?

We'll cease to be here, because none of this will have occurred.

but we will exist back on Red Dwarf, before all this began,

with, of course, no memory of these events, which, of course, never happened.

And as these events never happened, we'll have no memory of them.

In which case, Mr Rimmer sir, I should like to take this opportunity of saying

that you are the most obnoxious, trumped-up, farty little smeghead

it has ever been my misfortune to encounter!

# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #