Original subtitles

("RED DWARF" THEME)

(BLEEPING AND CLICKING)

(INDISTINCT EXCITED CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT)

Stand by. She's coming round.

There's something out there, man. Some kind of UFO. We're clamping on.

(ALL CHATTER)

- Visual down! Radar down! What's happening? - Something's knocked out the entire desk!

(WHIRRING)

- What are you all looking at me like that for? - You've just unplugged the console!

That's right. I'm blow-drying my hair.

- We are tracking a UFO. - Oh, you're tracking a UFO,

so I have to sit around looking like the Bride of Frankenstein?

- Use another socket. - This is beyond belief.

A spaceship five miles long and it don't fit enough plug sockets in the scanning room!

There's plenty of plug sockets in the scanning room, Cat.

They're all taken up with your beauty aids. Now, use a wall socket.

What?! Unplug my hot wax strip unsightly hair remover?!

Yes. Unplug your hot wax strip unsightly hair remover!

I don't believe this.

We finally get to encounter an alien species, and have to meet them with a wavery bikini line!

It's back, bearing zero-niner-zero. Adjust 1% portside.

1% portside. C locked on...

All right. OK. I'll use gel. Everybody happy?

Stabilise pitch. Reduce correctives...

(LISTER) What the hell is it?

I've no idea, sir. The craft does not appear to be of Earth construction.

- Aliens. They're probably going to return Glenn Miller. - What?

That's what they do. All those people who inexplicably vanish, they return them.

Ah, smeg! That's all we need. Glenn Miller on board boring us to death with "Pennsylvania 6-5000".

Kryten, open communication channels.

(RIMMER) We don't want him! Go away!

You took him. You can keep the smegger!

How deliciously bizarre. The hall's molecular structure conforms to no known element.

Whoever or whatever made this thing had access to a technology far in advanced of our own.

- OK, look, let's split up. - Why? Why should we split up?

Well, we'll do the search quicker.

What's the hurry? Have you got some major luncheon appointment you have to rush off to?

- What's your problem? - I'm not teaming up with him.

- Me? What's wrong with me? - You're totally egocentric,

you flee at the first sign of trouble, you only look after number one

you're vain, you're selfish, you're narcissistic and you're self-obsessed.

You just listed my all my best features.

- I'm going with Kryten. - Come on, Cat.

Er, Kryten, you take point. I've seen those movies.

It's always the guy in the lead who always buys it first. You take the front.

Well, if it's movies we're talking about, sir. In my experience it's usually the poor fellow

who's bringing up the rear gets who gets picked off first,

so the others aren't aware they're under attack.

You're right, you're right. Can you take the front and the back, so I can go in the middle?

I'll do my best, sir.

- Go, Kryten. - We've found something, sir.

- Yeah? - I think it's one of the crew.

A hideously malformed triple-headed skeleton with putrefied flesh hanging from it.

it fell through Rimmer as we opened the lift door.

- Is he all right? - I believe he's just discovered what shirt tails are for.

(RIMMER) All right, Kryten. You don't have to make me sound like a complete cowardly gimboid git. I'm fine now.

(KRYTEN) So, shall I cancel the order to find your mother?

- (RIMMER) Is that thing still on? - Hey, look at this.

Don't mess around with that, man. We don't know what it does.

I'm just taking a look.

Cheers, man! Brilliant, I'm trapped!

- Get me out of this thing. - Be cool, stay slinky.

I'm on the case, here. I remember the sequence.

It was red-blue-yellow... No, blue-yellow-red.

(GARBLED ELECTRONIC VOICE)

What the smeg is that?!

Curious, the skeletal form appears to be basically humanoid in structure.

He's got three heads!

Wait. Here's some kind of wallet.

The artefacts are human. A pilot's licence, ID, even a video club card.

Are you telling me this guy belonged to a video club and he needed a card so they'd recognise him?

He's got six eyes and three noses. If it were me, I'd remember him.

"Aren't you the bloke who came in last week, sneezed and caused a monsoon?"

I think we can assume, he started out as human and something happened here.

Something that mutated him in this unspeakable way.

(COMPUTER) Language trace completed. Dialect: English, colloquial construction, 23rd century.

Look, Do nothing. Press nothing. Just go and get Kryten!

- Wait, I think I got it. - Transmogrification sequence initiated.

- Maybe not. - Transmogrifi-what?!

Gene sample accepted and cloned. Please key in new genetic structure.

Do nothing. Press nothing. Get Kryten!

Hey, you think I can't handle this on my own?

I have to rush off and get Novelty-Condom-Head to bail you out?

I got you into this, I'll get you out.

- Get Kryten?! - Relax, would you? I know what I'm doing.

New genetic structure accepted,

Metamorphosis in ten seconds and counting.

I got a good idea. Why don't I go and get Kryten?

Look, forget Kryten! Just press the pads, any pads! Stop this!

Sequence complete.

(CLUCKS)

Are you OK? We detected a massive power surge in this sector.

Where's Lister?

- That's Lister?! - What can I say, except... whoops?

- What is it? - Best guess? Some kind of DNA modifier,

designed to alter organic life at its molecular level.

This would explain our triple-headed friend back there.

- So what does it do? - Every single cell in your body contains DNA,

which is a series of genetic instructions telling your body how to grow.

It's like a small computer program that chooses the colour of your eyes, tells your nose what shape to be,

designates your sex, your height, everything. Even your lifespan.

This machine simply rewrites the DNA program.

So this machine can transform any living thing into any other living thing, by altering it's molecular structure?

- Precisely. - And it turned Lister into a chicken.

- So it seems. - Question is, can we turn him back again?

The question is, do we want to?

Hypothetically, it shouldn't be too difficult to recall his original form.

It's simply a question of decoding the keypad.

Listy? (CLUCKS)

It's incredible. It really is him. Look, it's even got his little beer gut.

Hmm, seems a fairly straightforward hexadecimal layout.

Logically, this should be the recall sequence.

(KRYTEN) That's not it, is it?

Let's start from the top. What happened here, exactly?

I was pressing the pads. I definitely pressed the yellow one first.

And then this thing came down. So, I'm standing here pressing the buttons,

- then this voice said... - Transmogrification sequence engaged.

Right! So I press some more buttons, and then it says...

- Please key in new genetic structure. - That's it exactly!

- Cat, stop! - There's no need to engage your panic chip, sir.

The machine can only operate on organic life. I am mineral and therefore immune.

New genetic structure accepted, Metamorphosis in ten seconds and counting.

Oh. Wait a minute. No. My brain is part organic,

and therefore it is entirely possible for the machine to transmogrify my physical condition.

Engage panic circuits... Panic circuits engaged.

(WAILS)

(BLEEPING)

- (RIMMER) Are you OK? - Yeah, I think so.

- What was it like being a hamster? - It was better than being a chicken.

Have you seen the size of an egg? Have you seen the size of a chicken's bum?

That's what the clucking was about.

I was trying to say in chicken talk "For God's sake, give me a epidural!”

Let's get Kryten back. Press what you pressed for Lister.

My heavens.

I am human.

Yeah, but you lost your looks.

I'm human - my greatest dream come true. For the first time in my life, I can experience real feelings.

I'm experiencing one now. I'm in happiness mode.

I've never experienced anything like it before.

Oh, except for that one time when I accidentally welded my groinal socket to a front loading washing machine.

I'm alive!

- How's he doing, Hol? - Physically, he's fine.

He's got the body of a perfectly normal 30-year-old human male... apparently.

Is he all right?

It'll take a little while to adjust. Everything's a bit new.

Da-da-da-da!!!

Greetings, fellow human. Ah, breakfast, my very first meal. Boiled chicken ovulations - delicious!

- How you coping, man. Any problems? - Well, just one or two.

In fact, I've compiled a little list if you'll indulge me.

Now, then, my optical system doesn't appear to have a zoom function.

No, human eyes don't have a zoom.

Well then, how do you bring a small object into sharp focus?

Well, you just move your head closer to the object.

I see. Move your head closer...hmm...to the object.

Hmm, All right, OK. What about other optical effects,

like split screen, slow motion, Quantel?

- No. We don't have them. - You don't have them? Just the zoom.

No, that's fine. That's great. No, that's really great, that's great.

Now, then, er... my nipples don't work.

In what way "don't work"?

Well, when I was a mechanoid, the right nipple nut was used to regulate body temperature,

while the left nipple nut was used mainly to pick up short-wave radio transmissions.

Now, what I'm saying is that no matter how hard I twiddle it, I can't seem to pick up Jazz FM.

- Human nipples don't do that, Kryt. - I see. Fine.

Ah, recharging.

Now, I presume that a human wants to recharge, they do it much the same way mechanoids do.

Indeed, I have located what I presume to be the recharging socket,

but for some strange reason, it doesn't appear to have the standard three-pin adaption.

Now, do I have to use some kind of special adaptor? Because

no matter what I do, the lead just keeps falling out.

Kryten, we eat and sleep. That's our way of recharging.

Oh. Hmm...

Ah, yes. Now, I wanted to talk to you about something.

Something about er... well something I know that we humans get a little embarrassed about.

It's a bit of a taboo subject, not the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in polite conversation.

Kryten, I'm an enlightened 23rd-century guy. Spit it out, man.

Well, I want to talk to you about my penis.

I knew it. You've gone straight into smirk mode.

Aren't we both two human adults?

Can't we discuss our reproductive system without adolescent sniggering?

- Yeah, of course we can. - Thank you.

- Well? - Well-well-what?

Well, what do you think?

I'm not quite with you here, Kryten. What am I supposed to say?

I want to know, is that normal?

What, taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not!

Well, but is it supposed to look like that?

- Well, yeah. - It's hideous!

That's the best design they could come up with?!

Are you seriously telling me there were choices, and someone said, "Ah, there that's it.

"That's the shape we're looking for, the last-chicken-in-the-shop look?"

Shakespeare had one? Einstein?

Perry Como sang "Memories Are Made Of This" with one of those stashed in his slacks?

- Well, yeah. - No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode. Ugh.

Now, take a look at this.

And this.

Now, why do you suppose that happened?

Wh-what were you thinking of at the time?

Nothing in particular, sir. I was just idly flicking through an electrical appliance catalogue.

I came across the section on super deluxe vacuum cleaners

and suddenly my underpant elastic was catapulted across the medical bay.

You see, man, you're neither one thing or the other.

You shouldn't be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.

It WAS a triple-bag easy-glide vac with turbo suction and a self-emptying dustbag.

Kryten, I don't care what model it was.

No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a... double Polaroid.

- Do yourself a favour, man. Change back. - Back?

Become one of those poor sappy, sad-act mechanoids again? This is my dream.

Hey, listen, listen. I've got a joke for you.

Now, how many mechanoids does it take to change a light bulb?

- I don't know. - Twelve. And you know why?

- Why? - Because they're so stupid! (LAUGHS)

Isn't that the greatest joke?

I've got another one. Ever heard about the mechanoid peeping Tom?

(LAUGHS)

(KRYTEN'S LAUGHTER ECHOES)

Man, this is a totally whacked-out idea. It's never gonna work.

That DNA machine can do anything. Why shouldn't it work? The hard part was finding one of my dead cells.

You really think you can clone yourself from your own dandruff?

Why not? Dandruff has DNA in it. That machine has a clone facility.

But a man made from dandruff? It's never going to work.

The first time you take a shower with medicated shampoo, you'll disappear.

I won't be made of dandruff.

My body will be recreated from the genetic pattern contained in it's structure.

- How's Kryten? - Confused.

If he ever offers to show you his photo collection, my advice is decline. Politely.

I bet he can't believe his luck. He's reached the pinnacle of the evolutionary mountain. He's a human.

What's so big about being human?

Listy, don't knock it till you've tried it.

I just don't trust that machine, man. Look, I know it's old-fashioned,

but I'm from the school who believe if God had intended us to fly,

he wouldn't have invented Spanish air traffic control.

OK, that machine might be able to cure diseases and stuff,

but you shouldn't use it to change you into what you're not. You are what you are.

Wasn't it Descartes who said, "I am what I am"?

- No, it was Popeye the Sailor Man. - Well, whoever it was, he was a hell of a philosopher.

And I think what he was trying to say was, you got to stay true to what you are.

Oh, here we go. Typical knee-jerk techno-fear reaction.

That machine is the greatest single technological advancement mankind has ever made.

Greater than fire, greater than the wheel.

What about the dude with three heads, what happened to him?

- Well, he abused it. - Right, yeah. Someone always does.

Are you two seriously suggesting you're not going to use it?

There's nothing about your bodies you'd like to improve?

Me?! Are you serious? Most people leave their bodies to medical science.

I'm leaving mine to the Louvre, baby!

At some point in their lives, most people wish they were someone else.

This is going back years, years before the accident.

Kochanski had just finished with me, and I was feeling really pony.

So I went for a walk in the botanical gardens and saw this squirrel, climbing up and down the tree collecting nuts.

It stopped and it looked at me, and I thought, "You lucky little sod.

"You like your job. You're your own boss, and you've got no woman trouble.

So, you'll never feel as bad as I feel, now.”

And at that moment, and for a split second I would

have given anything, anything to swap places with him.

Yeah, that's awful, man - when a woman screws you up so bad you want to become a squirrel.

It just made me think that a lot of time, that being human isn't much fun.

So, Lister, what are you telling us? You're a closet squirrel?

Behind closed doors, you parade up and down with a strap-on bushy tail calling yourself Nutkin?

What I'm telling you Rimmer, is that being human sometimes isn't all it's cracked up to be.

And if Kryten thinks it'll solve all his problems, then he's in for a major, I repeat, major disappointment.

(SNEEZES)

The most wonderful thing has happened. We found this machine and it's made me human.

- You're a human now? - That's right, Spare Head One.

Our wildest, most incredible dream has come true.

- What's it like? - It's indescribable, Spare Head Two.

True, I'm having a few problems coping with the human emotions,

there's no zoom, the nipples don't work,

and I could show you a snapshot of something that would make your eyes spin like fruit machines.

- But that apart, it's all going well. - What about us?

- It was my turn to be main head next month. - Well, obviously that's no longer possible.

Aren't you happy for me? I'm not a mechanoid. I'm not second-class any more.

What about Spare Head Three? You can't just leave him here. He's got droid rot.

(YORKSHIRE ACCENT) I don't need no bugger to look after me! I maybe 'alf ran with silicon rickets.

And me voice units may be shot to buggery, but I don't need sympathy from the likes of 'im!

Well, I'll still come and visit. I won't forget you.

Where have you been for the past four days?

Hey, I've been busy.

Aye, busy swankin' round with his new central nervous, and his poncey new eight-valve heart,

la-di-da-ing with all his fancy new human friends!

Oh, Spare Head Three, what do you know about anything?

Ooh, hark at 'im! Orderin' his own heads around.

I may be 30,000 years old,

and me circuits boards may have gone bandy, but I'll tell you this for nowt -

you came into this world as a mechanoid, and a mechanoid you'll always be!

I don't have to take this from you. I'm a human. Shut your stupid flat head!

Kryten, I don't believe you just said that.

I don't even know why I came here. What a waste of time.

I think you should leave now, Kryten. There's nothing more to say.

Aye, sling your bloody hook! Go on! Clear off!

And what about you, Spare Hand One, how do you feel?

Greetings, fellow human.

Oh, "Fellow human.” How hollow those words sound now.

What's eating you, man?

Oh, I can't get the hang of these human emotions.

One moment I'm happy, the next I'm miserable. What's wrong with me?

I'm up and down more often than a pair of kangaroos in the mating season.

Depression's there for a reason. It's the mind's way of telling you something's wrong.

Wrong? What could be wrong? I've got everything I want.

- Oh, yeah? - No. I've done the most terrible thing.

I've hurt my own kind, I've made fun of those closest to me.

I've been a complete and total Polaroid-head.

Yeah. You've had your head up your recharge socket.

Agreed. And you've known all along.

Yeah, well. I did something similar once. Sold out.

You sold out?

Hmm. Look, this is between me and you, OK, Kryten?

Once, many years ago...

I went into a wine bar.

- That's it? You went into a wine bar? - OK. Keep it down, keep it down!

- I don't want the whole world to know. - Well, what's so bad about going into a... WB?

It means I was a class traitor.

I could have been on that slippery slope - hankering after pine kitchens,

sleeping on futons, eating tapas.

Who knows where it could have led.

I could have started having "relationships" with people instead of "going out” with them.

Got married. Got on the property ladder.

God Almighty, who knows where it could have ended?

Next thing you know, I'm playing squash every Tuesday night with a bloke called Gerald.

A lucky escape, man. Lucky escape

I've been thinking, sir. I want to be a mechanoid again. It's what I always have been, what I always will be.

And no bad thing. Let's do it.

Kryten, there was a cartoon character once called Popeye said a really profound thing.

- What did he say? - He said "I am what I am.”

Are you sure? I always thought that was Descartes.

So did I, man. It's so easy to get those two dudes mixed up.

- (LISTER) What do you reckon, Hol? - I reckon I've got it sussed.

- I reckon we should try it first. - What with?

- Well, just need anything organic. - Hey, don't look at me.

- I'm not looking at you. I'm looking at that foil container. - Lister's curry?!

It's dead, it's organic. If we can change a mutton vindaloo into a chicken vindaloo,

we'll know it's safe for Kryten.

Nice idea, Goalpost-Head.

- Let's try it. - I was enjoying that!

(COMPUTER'S VOICE) Gene sample accepted and cloned. Metamorphosis in progress.

(BUBBLING AND GURGLING)

- What the smeg is it? - What have we created?

(LISTER) We've created the mutton vindaloo beast! Half man, half extra-hot Indian curry!

OK. You go. I'll cover you.

- (OTHERS) Seriously?! - No!

(ROARS)

I don't believe I'm running away from a psychopathic curried man!

- Is he still following us? - Can't you smell him? He's right behind us!

Remember last Easter? Twelve months ago to the day, The Polymorph?

That's right. You were attacked by a killer shami kebab.

How can the same smeg happen to the same guy twice?

Last time, it was hors d'oeuvres. This time, it's lunch.

- Kiss your ugly ass goodbye, beast! - (LISTER) Twice!

(GUNFIRE)

Go back through there. The DNA suite, I've got an idea!

Holly, I'm only going to ask you this the once, and I want the truth -

Can you make this machine work without any mistakes?

Yeah. I know what I did wrong last time.

It's a mistake any deranged, half-witted computer could've made.

- Look, I can do it. Give me a chance. - Holly, that creature's virtually indestructible.

There's only one way to beat it.

Turn me into a superhuman. Man plus.

Are you totally insane?

You're letting that fruitbat of a computer diddle with your DNA?

- Have you got a better plan? - Maybe some Indian restaurant music will mollify it.

Or perhaps we could make a surrender flag out of flock wallpaper.

Do you realise the chomp thing's going to be through that door any minute now.

Right. So let's do it.

(COMPUTER'S VOICE) Transmogrification sequence initiated.

(GROWLS)

Metamorphosis complete.

(SQUEAKS) Did it work?

- Kind of. - What do you mean, "kind of"?

I mean “kind of".

- (HOLLY) Well, getting better. - What now?

We ain't got time to change him back. Let's scoot.

Come on, stumpy.

(SQUEAKS) Wait for me!

I can't keep up! I'm knackered!

(GROWLS)

(ROARS IN PAIN)

Of course. Lager. The only thing that can kill a vindaloo.

Has anyone got a poppadom the size of Lake Michigan?

This stuffs really good.

This guy's pure class.

# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #