Original subtitles

All: [chanting] down with porn!

Down with porn! Down with porn!

Down with porn! - Keep our kids safe!

Porn is bad! We hate porn!

All: Down with porn! - Porn is bad!

- It's a real shame.

Being exposed to smut as a child

Is what made me the man I am today.

- Why are we even here?

- We're required to be on hand

For any protests that involve burning.

All: Down with porn!

- Hey, you know there's porn

On your phones and laptops, too, right?

[chanting stops]

- Burn the porn! All: Down with porn!

- We hate porn! - Down with porn!

- Unreal. There's always that one dumb guy

In every group, huh?

- Porn is bad! All: Down with porn!

- Why won't this light?

It's satan!

- Look at 'em, amateurs.

They didn't even bring lighter fluid.

- Yeah, well, in their defense, they're probably used

To burning schoolbooks, which go up a lot easier.

- I bet an m-80 will get this party started!

- What is he doing? All: Down with porn!

- Hey, you're not permitted for explosives!

- Sir, sir, sir! - Hey, hey!

All: Oh!

[rock music]

[children shouting]

- Yes, tits! - Yeah!

- All right, dick! - Yeah!

- Well, if that's not a sign from god,

I don't know what is.

- Amen. - Amen.

- Fuck me. [all gasp]

- What?

[foreigner's "hot blooded"]

- ♪ well, I'm hot-blooded ♪

♪ check it and see ♪

♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪

♪ I'm hot-blooded ♪

- Then he's like, "I'm so broke,

I can't even pay attention." [laughter]

Yes, I knew that joke, man.

- Hey, mr. Shabby shoes, what's going on

With the sole of those boots?

- Oh, the bottom's coming loose,

But I got some glue in my locker.

- Station doesn't pay for new boots?

- We're supposed to get a boot allowance,

But chief can be a bit stingy.

[grunts goofily] money.

- What happens to granny if he loses his sole?

Does he start listening to kenny g?

- What the fuck did you just say to me?

- It was just a joke. I--

- Cap, permission to kick his ass.

- Okay, kick his ass. - Cap, no.

[rock music]

- You know, I actually really liked your joke,

But I couldn't pass up the opportunity to take your boots.

[chuckles]

But they don't fit because you're a tiny-boot bitch.

[laughter] - come on.

- I'm messing with you, man.

- He loves you, mickleberry. He does.

- Morning! - Hey, chiefy!

- Chief! - Hey, listen...

Weather forecast is calling for a hell of a storm.

Could be severe flooding, so I decided

To hold the d shift over for double the personnel.

- Ah, double crews-- that doesn't happen every day.

It's gonna get cozy. - Do we like the d shift?

- What's not to like? They're exactly like you guys.

[laughs] have fun. - Always do.

- Yeah. - Do they look like us?

- Nah, it's like a second-generation copy kind of.

- Yeah, like a poor man's version--

Not rock star material like us. - Yeah.

- That's why we're the a shift, right?

- I thought the letters were random.

- Technically, yes.

But it's widely understood that we're the chief's top crew,

So count yourself lucky.

- Let's put it this way--

If there was a tv show about station 24,

We'd be the shift they'd focus on.

- [snaps fingers] - bing.

- Dibs on sexy dumb comic relief.

- Ah, man! All right, token woman.

- Ambiguous african.

- Italian guy with sweet hair.

Come on, let's work. - Right.

- Wait, guys, what would I be?

[indistinct chatter]

[chatter stops]

[tense music]

- Hey! All: Hey!

- Aw, man, teddy dickosi.

That coif is looking pretty slick.

What's your secret? - Confidentially, margarine.

- [laughs] I knew it.

I can't believe it's not butter!

- I believe it.

[both laugh]

- Mm-hmm. Mm.

- Cousin terry! Ha ha! What's up?

- Cousin lucy.

Finally, we're on the same shift.

You know, it's too bad it wasn't last week.

You could've joined me and your dad for lunch.

We go out for mexican food first Tuesday of every month.

- Really?

- We call it the two-terry taco Tuesday.

[laughs]

What kind of special lunches do you do with your dad?

- Oh, man, um...

He let me finish his meatball sub the other day.

- Oh, yeah, that sounds fun.

- It was a huge sub.

It was a submarine sandwich. - Yeah.

It's like a taco, but with bread.

- Probie, this is the d shift's medic, mcintosh jones.

- What up, granny smith?

- What up? [both laugh]

- Hey, call me gram gram.

- Both apple names, both grandma names?

- Welcome to the metaverse!

[both laughing]

- What's the matter, ike?

Cia got you pushing too many pencils?

- [laughs]

I wasn't really trying.

- Ah, sure you weren't, sure you weren't.

- I did arms this morning. That's why I'm just, like--

- Ah, yes, excuses, excuses.

- You're looking good, brother. - Thank you, thank you.

- Ah, man, what are you benching these days about?

- 300 pounds, but if that's too heavy,

You switch it to metric.

136 kilograms is much easier to lift.

- Ahh. - Obviously.

- Of course it is, obviously.

It's a lesser number.

Oh, man, why didn't I think of that?

- You must be the d-shift probie.

I'm andres mickleberry, the a-shift probie.

- Oh, hey, I'm andrea snorkleberry.

- For real? Mickleberry, snorkleberry?

- Yeah, dude! - When did you start?

- Four weeks ago. What about you?

- Three weeks. - Perfect.

Oh, my god. I have one week of seniority.

Could you be a good kid and finish cleaning the sink?

Thank you so much.

You got this.

- Colosplash.

- Hey, chiefy. - Yeah.

- Listen, I'm guessing there's gonna be

A bit of a pissing match tonight

When it comes time to pick bunks.

- Why don't you share your bunk with your twin?

- I will, and he'll love it, and I'll love it,

But I'm guessing the others might have a problem with it.

- Ah, you'll figure it out. Hey, you ever poop in a box?

- Not since April fools' day. - Good one.

Yeah, you know, my doctor told me that in lieu

Of my annual colonoscopy, I could use

This colosplash at-home colon-cancer-screening kit.

- What, they expect you to crap in that box,

And then what do you do with it?

- You mail it to them. Look at this. It's tupperware.

- What? - Yeah.

Specimen bag, "biohazard."

[chuckles] good for me.

- Get out. What kind of a world do we live in

Where a grown man has to drop a crud in a box

Like a common housecat and then mail it?

- I guess it beats a colonoscopy.

- Nah, nah, nothing beats a colonoscopy.

They give you sweet drugs, you pass out,

The camera might even poke you in the tingle button,

And when you wake up, they give you a cookie.

- I was not told of a cookie.

- They give you any cookie you want.

- Snickerdoodle? - Yeah.

- Chocolate chip? - Yeah.

- Oatmeal? - Yeah.

- Huh. - Hey, chief.

- Hey. - About the bunks tonight--

- Share with eddie. - You're gonna love it.

- Huh, yeah, I will. Not as much as you.

- [laughs] - you like to spoon?

- I like to spork. [laughter]

- "do not fill the collection bucket above the fill line."

Uh-oh. [chuckles] I guess that counts me out.

- Oh, chief, you're doing the colosplash kit?

- Yeah. - Oh, smooth move, I did it.

Yeah, by the way, I made brownies.

They're on the stove.

Those two statements were not connected.

[laughter]

- Teddy, you're my guy!

- Wait, wait, wait, because he pooped in a box, too,

Suddenly he's your guy?

- No, he's my guy 'cause he made me brownies.

Now, if you'll excuse me, teddy--oops, I mean, eddie--

Time to make the doughnuts. - Ugh.

- Colosplash!

[thunder rumbles]

- Terry's nephew is also named terry?

- Dad bullied my aunt jasmine into naming her son terry,

So he'd have a male namesake.

- Wow, sounds like something in his life is missing, huh?

- Hey, look at this. See the green?

That's just the light stuff, right?

Here comes the big stuff. Here it is.

Given the trajectory of it,

I'd say it's gonna hit tacoma about 3:00 p.M.

- You know, you should be a weatherman, uncle terry.

I mean, chief.

- Hey, let's forget about the formality, terry.

Call me uncle terry. - [laughs] okay.

- Check out this, check out this.

I got a little bit here, right?

[goofy voice] so the polar vortex

Combined with a low-pressure system

Is gonna create a mega precipitation event

In the lower regions of tacoma.

- I love this weatherman bit, uncle!

[both laugh]

- [normal voice] that's good. That's good, all right.

[goofy voice] now let me throw it

Over to champ trophy at sports.

- [goofy voice] well, champ trophy here, dusty winds!

- [normal voice] dusty winds, I love it!

- My, oh, my, the mariners had a big night!

- [goofy voice] the mariners really rained

On the angels' parade last night.

- Well, it was a good thing it was raining

'cause the mariners' bats were on fire!

They were as hot as some of the buildings

We have to go into sometimes!

[both laugh] - [normal voice] yeah.

We probably shouldn't joke about that, though.

- [laughter]

- You okay?

You look like you've seen a ghost.

- Oh, my god, my dad's doing a bit.

- What?

He doesn't do bits. - I know!

- Although come to think of it, he was getting very chummy

With teddy dickosi a bit earlier.

- He was? - Super chummy.

- Maybe d shift is his favorite crew.

- Shut up! What is wrong with you?

- That's stupid. Toilet duty.

- Guys.

[whispering] you got to see this. Come here.

[mouths words] - [sighs]

[laughter]

[upbeat music playing]

[cheering]

- Yeah, right? Right, come on.

Hey. - [whispering] what?

Terry didn't even dance at his own wedding.

In fact, he specifically asked for no music.

- And playing the maracas?

I've never seen him play the maracas in my life.

- Hey, guys, you know what?

Since yesterday's incident reports were so well written--

No typos, no passive verbs--

I'm gonna give each of you an extra 100 bucks

For you boot allowance!

Enjoy! [all cheering]

- He's upping their boot allowance.

And I got the busted boot!

- ♪ da, da, da, da, da, oh ♪

♪ da, da, da, da, da, hey ♪

- Oh, my god, the d shift is his favorite crew.

[dramatic music]

[upbeat rock music]

- Huh, okay, colosplash, time to get to know each other.

[chuckles] oh, another thing in a thing, okay.

Oh, there's another thing in there.

And yet another container.

It's like a russian doll for dumps.

[pounding on door]

Oh, come on.

[pounding on door] ocupado, bro!

- Terry, who's your favorite shift?

- Why are you bothering me with this now?

How do you know I'm not in the middle of a bowel movement?

- 'cause when you're in the middle of a bowel movement,

The walls tremble all over the station.

- [scoffs] ah, gross. [pounding on door]

- Hey, dad?

Who do you like better, a shift or d shift?

- Are you kidding me? You're here, too?

- Which shift do you like better?

Dad! - That's a ridiculous question.

I like all the shifts equally.

[pounding on door] - terry!

Eddie, again, if you had to save one shift

From a burning building, which shift would it be?

- I wouldn't have to save any of you from a burning building.

You're all firefighters. - [grunts]

[pounding on door] - but hypothetically speaking?

- Both of you know I don't engage in hypotheticals!

- Okay, but if you had to engage in hypotheticals

With just one shift, which shift would it be?

- Uh...

- Terry, we know you're in there.

- Would you two leave me the hell alone

And give me some privacy? - Fine.

- That was not the validation I was looking for.

- No, it sucked.

We need to make sure that chief sees us

As the superior shift.

- Yes. - Let's go.

[upbeat rock music]

- Come on, get your game on.

- Eddie, what do you want?

I'm trying to dry off my colosplash.

- Well, chief, I just wanted to show you what a crack team

You have here in the a shift.

- Chief, do you see how much cleaner

Our side of the truck is?

[chuckles] man, you could eat off this baby.

- Why would I eat off a truck?

- Huh? No, no, you wouldn't.

I mean, no, but, hypothetically--

- What's with everyone and the hypotheticals?

- Chief doesn't engage in hypotheticals, ike.

Even I knew that, you dimwit.

- Thank you, dex. - Yeah. [stammers]

That's what I said, dimwit.

- You're the dimwit. - You're a dimwit.

- You're the dimwit. - You're a dimwit.

- Yeah. - What'd you say?

- Nothing. I-- - huh?

- [snapping fingers]

- [grunting]

- Hey, check out these sandbags, huh, chiefy?

We are gonna kick the rain's ass today, huh?

- Funny, you guys make sandbags at the exact same pace.

- Well, I don't know about that.

- Keep it up.

I'm gonna go make a splash.

[chuckles] oh, boy. Oh, boy.

- Hey.

Why you guys trying to show us up in front of the chief?

- Ha! Show you up-- that's a good one.

Why would a shift care what chief thinks about d shift?

- Because we're his favorite shift.

- That's ridiculous.

We're the a shift. - A.

- The letters don't mean anything, guy.

They just exist to identify the different shifts

On the rotation schedule.

But I guess only a first-rate captain would know that.

- Oh, yeah?

You don't cobra me, dickosi. I cobra you.

- Well, maybe I could convince uncle terry

To rethink this whole letter system

To more accurately reflect that we're his favorite shift.

After all, I'm like the son he never had.

- Not after I rip your fucking dick off.

[all ohing]

- Get back! - It's okay, it's okay.

- All right, let's just settle down with the dick ripping.

Listen, sorry to break it to you,

But my crew--we just got that something special.

In fact, if they were to make a show about station 24,

We'd be the stars.

- Maybe on basic cable. - On a network nobody watches.

- Guys, this is ridiculous.

We're supposed to be professional.

You don't see me and snorkleberry

At each other's throats.

- Who the hell is snorkleberry?

- That's snorkleberry.

- My name is not

Andrea snorkleberry, you dingbat.

I was just making fun of your stupid name.

My name is isabella corazon.

- Good one, corzy. - Sick burn, probie!

- That's a beautiful name.

And you all suck! - You suck!

- You suck! - You suck!

- You suck. - You suck.

- You're gonna rip my dick off? [all shouting]

- Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's going on in here?

Last time I was here, you were nicely making sandbags.

- Chief, uh, is that box currently filled?

- Yeah, finally. - Man, that was really fast.

- I had to hustle back in here 'cause of you and you

And you all squabbling about who's my favorite shift.

Both: Which is?

- I don't have a favorite shift.

They're all the same. A, b, c, d, it's meaningless.

- Well, if it wasn't meaningless,

Which shift would you choose to be a?

- Okay, that's it.

No more a, b, c, d.

I'm putting an end to the stupid system.

From now on, it's red shift, green shift,

Blue shift, gold shift.

That'll put an end to your childish bickering.

[groaning]

Oh, stupid box.

- We're gold shift. - No, we're gold shift.

- We're the gold shift. I call dibs on the gold shift.

- Okay, okay, okay, hold on! Hold on, hold on a second.

As the captain of today's shift--

- It's still our shift.

- I propose a head-to-head competition

To determine who is the top shift of this station.

- You're going down.

- May the best shift win.

- Mm. - Come on.

- I'm right here. - Come on.

- I'm gonna be over here. - You're a douchebag.

- All right, yeah. - It's on.

- Disappear. - It's on, man.

- I'm watching you. - All right.

- Whoa, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- I'm all right. I'm all right.

- Hey, let's get back to work. - Get back.

[all grunting]

[rock music]

- What's going on? We've been going at this for 20 minutes,

And nobody's moved an inch.

- Maybe both shifts are equal in every way.

- Psst, hey, guys, we should try the "squid game" strategy,

Where the whole team moves forward three steps

And the other team falls.

- Spoiler alert-- I'm only on episode three.

- Oh, is that the one with the cookies?

- Oh, come on!

- And they took three steps forward

And caused the entire other team to fall down.

- Hey, spoiler alert-- I haven't seen season one.

- It's really, really good, a must-watch.

- Okay, let's do this.

Ready? One, two, three.

[all yelling]

- Did you guys "squid game" us?

- Yeah. - Has everybody seen it?

- Fine, if a test of brawn won't settle this,

Then let's pivot to a test of brains.

- Damn it. - Damn.

- If you're so close to the chief,

Let's see who knows him best.

[upbeat music]

- Guys, come on, it's my lunch break here.

I just stopped by to drop off terry's statins.

I'm not doing this. - Pretty please, aunt vicky.

- Please, come on. - Come on.

- You're the best judge for this, mom, please.

- Okay. - Yes!

[cheering]

- Yes, vicky. - Come on, granny.

- All right, all right, let's get this split up here.

- Let's go, granny. - Come on, granny.

Come on, granny.

- Okay, who is terry mcconky's sex-ception?

Both: Lucy lawless xena, warrior princess!

- Yeah! - Yes!

- He tells you these things?

- Go get 'em, ike. Go get 'em, ike.

- Oh, yeah, it's me. - Next, here we go.

- Come on. - Oh, yeah, here we go.

- Yeah. [chuckles]

- How old is terry in dog years?

- Dogs age faster that humans. - If we know that terry...

- But the average dog runs... - Hates dogs, we can assume...

- Twice as fast as the... - It's because dogs live...

- Average human... - Longer than terry...

- At least in my experience... - Although, not as long...

- Okay, okay. I just have an hour for lunch,

So could we just call this a push?

Both: Seven. - Wow, that is correct.

Ish? Both: Yes!

- Take that! - Yes!

- Yes! - Yes!

- Really shocking. - That was awesome.

- Here we go. - Come on, cap.

- All right, here we go. - Here we go, cap.

- What is number one on terry's bucket list?

Both: Front-row seat, criss angel's "mindfreak."

- Sadly, I know that to be true,

And that is a tie, okay?

- Whoo! - Yeah!

- All right, all right. - That's our captain!

- This is the last question that I am reading.

- What is terry's favorite naptime snack?

- Tea and pretzels.

- We won! We won! - But what kind exactly?

- What?

- Country bumpkin brand sweet tea

And flugelsohn brother pretzel rods, extra-salted!

But I guess you would have known that

If you were the son he never had.

All: Oh! Both: He said it first.

- She got more specific. She got more specific.

- Whoa, hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!

Sorry to break up the fun here, guys,

But the storm moved up the coast--

Danger averted.

D shift, you can go home.

- But, chief, we're just about to win the gold.

All: Yeah. - What do you mean?

Dickosi, you guys are dismissed, go.

Go, go, go. - [sighs]

- No, cap, we worked for the gold.

- I said-- - hey.

What are you doing with these clowns?

- Can I just give you your statins

And go back to work, please?

- What's "the in-terry-gation"? - Uh-uh.

- What is this? What are you guys doing?

- [sighs] - where you going?

- Captain, captain. You were never gonna win.

None of us were. We're too evenly matched.

There's no gold shift designation for either squad.

The only gold is the shining glow we feel in our hearts,

That 24-karat pride we feel as firefighters

Doing the best we can do for our community

And our chief.

- Amen, brother. [chuckles] amen.

- You know, I couldn't have said it better myself, penisi.

Although I could have said it equally as well.

[laughter]

- Son of a bitch.

- Cobra. - Oh!

[laughter] - oh, he got you.

- Okay, all right, all right. - Truce?

- You work it out with dickosi?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, we talked about it,

And we came to the agreement that the a team

Will now be known as the gold shift

And, also, you like us the best.

- Good man, but you know

Who I actually like best in this room?

My one and only best gal. There she is.

- Aw, thank you. - Mwah.

And, honey, while I got you... - Yes. Mm-hmm?

- Could you take this to the post office

On your way back to work? - Hell, no.

I'm not walking into the post office carrying that.

- It's shit. - Although, you know,

I know someone who would carry it for you.

- Hmm? - Lucy lawless.

I bet she'd carry your poop.

- Hmm. Hmm. - [gasps]

- Bye, honey.

Who told her about lucy lawless?

- Granny told her. - Gram gram, you mean.

- It was gram gram. Gram gram told her.

- All right, well, you know what?

Congratulations, mickleberry. You get the honors.

- Oh!

Holy crap, that's surprisingly heavy.

- Taco Tuesday! [chuckles]

All right, back to work, gold shift.

- All right, that's right, gold shift.

Sounds good. Let's go to work.

- Ah, I need to take my statins.

[upbeat rock music]

- Chief, I know we worked it all out,

But I got to say, there's still some things

We saw you do with the d shift that you never do with us.

- Yeah, like the bits, the dancing,

The boot allowance. - What are you talking about?

I do that stuff with all you guys.

- That is not true. - Yes, it is true.

Ike, remember last week, you and I did

The used-car salesman bit?

- Oh, yeah. No, we did do that bit.

That's right.

What's it gonna take to get you to drive away in this today?

- You'd look pretty good in a toyota corolla, sir.

- You don't like the color? We can paint it.

- This car ain't gonna drive itself.

- With the thing in the front.

- And you, you and I danced the salsa.

- First of all, it's sal-sa.

- That's what I said, salsa. - It's sal-sa.

- Also, last month, I told you,

Your crew could increase their boot allowance.

Both: What? - Oh, yeah, you're right.

You did. I forgot to tell you guys.

Ha ha! This whole thing could have been avoided.

What are you gonna do?

- You guys are just like my real daughters.

Each one thinks I treat the other one better.

That's the way kids are. - She is your real daughter.

- You're not! - You are softer on my sisters.

- See, this is what I'm talking about--look at this.

- Hey, mickleberry. - Mickleberry!

I told you to mail that days ago.

- I did, sir.

It says "return to sender-- insufficient postage."

It must have been too heavy. - [laughs]

- Mama always said I could fill up the diaper.

- [gags] - hey, screw it.

I'm gonna go in for a colonoscopy.

- You should.

- What do you want me to do with this, sir?

- Ugh. - You know what?

We should stash it in the wall like a time capsule

And wait for a future crew to find it.

- [laughs] we should leave it for the d shift.

- Oh, I know what to do.

- Oh, oh, now we're talking. - What are you up to?

- What are you doing?

- Uh-oh. - What?

- You're gonna put it in their fridge, aren't you?

- Reverse psychology. [laughter]

- They'll definitely eat it.

I've fallen for that one. [laughter continues]

We've had a lot of fun here today.

But colorectal health is no joke.

Right, guys?

- Wait. - What?

- What are we doing?

- Exactly-- we all should be asking,

"what are we doing to prevent colon cancer?"

Screening is an easy way to avoid serious health risks.

- If you're age 50 or over, ask your doctor

About which test is best for you.

And who knows?

Maybe your doctor will even poke your tingle button.

- So go get screened.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

- Okay, what is--

- Oh. - What is happening?

I feel like I'm having a stroke.