Original subtitles

Is that you being sick in here, tinsel of the solar system?

Oh, I'm dead.

29 days I have been on this ferry.

Britain does not want me. France does not want me.

America, why have you forsaken me?

Fear not, sparkle of the land masses.

You did have me.

Oh, there is only one solution.

If America will not contact me, I must contact America.

Ab -Dab, I think you have just cut off my eyebrows.

160 apologies, Master.

You are an imbecile, Ab -Dab. Thank you, Master.

Now, shave me properly.

Yes, Planet of the Apes.

That's better.

Now, can you see the number?

I see nothing, Master.

Don't fool...

When are you going to remove that blindfold?

It is the Holy Scriptures. I am not... Oh, shut up.

Ah, yes. There it is. I can just see the first few figures.

Yes. Master, I still do not understand why you have a telephone number tattooed

under your hair.

It is a highly secret coded radio frequency which will put me in touch

old CIA contact.

1140 apologies.

Now go and do as I instructed. Go and find me that radio equipment and make

you are not seen.

At once, master.

Good.

Planet of the Apes?

Look, do I have to go on this TV show tonight, Deacon?

Back out now, sir. It would be an act of cowardice. Don't you think another day

might be more suitable?

Like a day when I have to just crush two American citizens to death where the

United States... You think it's too safe to talk?

Puerto Rican, sir, understands nothing. Of course, I was a fool.

Let's send the Shaw a message through his parrot, you said.

We'll let the goddamn thing loose and it gets lost.

If that word ever repeats what we told it to somebody else, I mean, if Russia

found out we were sending the Shah's men a quark bomb... Sir,

if the Lord had meant Russia to find out that we were sending the Shah's men a

quark bomb, he would never have given us pension schemes.

It wouldn't. Faith, Mr. President, faith. For I have a public relations

guide me.

And they are insistent on it.

You take the statesman -like course tonight and face the cameras.

Everyone will respect you for it. And by tomorrow morning, you will again be the

most popular man in the United States.

For the last time, Mr.

Grodd, will you admit that Cypher ordered you to come here to rescue the

Hoppers?

I see. Very well. Bobby Gay, pull out another toenail.

There are no more left, Commissar.

No more tunnels?

I've pulled them all out now, Commissar. See?

Very well.

Increase the count.

Commissar!

You see?

It is no use screaming for mercy.

If you do not tell me you are...

Listen, where did you get that thing?

Bob McGee, pick it up. Give it to me, sir.

You think you are pretty tough, don't you?

Tougher than you can handle, Ruski.

Well, I'll see.

Bob McGee, my back has gone again.

I am surrounded by idiots.

Very well.

Now, we will go over to the other prisoner and see what he can tell us.

Commissar.

WBC Dateline News around the clock and around the globe. I'm Jay Garrick and

world is an oyster.

First news of the missing quark bomb, formerly known as the Johnny Cyclops

after the president of the same name.

CIA Chief Gus Mankiewicz today categorically laughed off suggestions

bomb is now in the hands of the world's most wanted terrorist, Lacrobat, the man

of a thousand faces.

He told reporters that there was no way on this earth that Lacrobat could

already have smuggled the device out of the country, cleverly concealed inside a

rare Peruvian artifact.

Just to be on the safe side, the entire CIA will now launch in a worldwide hunt

for the man sometimes known as the devil. And already they have established

beyond any doubt that Lacrobat's next appearance will be at the port of

Montevideo in Uruguay.

If it's only a scratch, you'll never notice. Look what you've done.

Oh, no, my dear, I didn't do that.

You mean... No, no, Hippo did that.

Hippo. Oh, that's Hippo, all right.

Wait a minute.

That is Rhino.

Now,

is that the Hippo? Same person this morning. Smell that.

Is this yours, sir?

Oh, glory be no, sir.

Guerrilla rice, you think?

Why, the guerrilla roll mandrel, sir. The vehicle.

Oh, ah, soddies, jolly jungle and sea lion, sir, sir.

And you are Mr.

Soddy.

Gabriel Garfield Soddy, sir. A spiller of Stetson, Snellgrove, Iblash, Soddy

Goff, sir.

200 years, not changing it.

What's wrong with a bit of dust?

What's under this?

Oh, that's my Stella, sir.

Stella? Ah, 14 years of star attraction, sir.

Thanks.

Still, not even a walrus lasts forever.

So I'm taking her to Avenue to have her stuffed.

Stuffed. I think it's what she would have wanted if she was still alive.

I expect you know the firm, sir. Montrachat, Boulnay, Corbigny, Pissoir

Cognac. They're the best of the zoos in the world. They do a real top -quality

ground -glass eyeball, sir.

None of your ping -pong balls on skewers.

Soundness. With equanimity, sir.

And keep it covered up. Certainly, sir. Sorry about the mess on the paper, sir.

Still, fault's your early ever state.

Hello?

Hello, is that Pig Bay Control?

This is Gulf Lion 2.

Get me a special link up through the CIA Big Boy space satellite.

Hello?

Is there anyone there?

to the shire with a message from Phaethon.

Now, will you tell me what it was?

I see we have a smart -arse parrot on our hands.

Well, if you do not tell me, I will...

It is expected of you, sir. The one thing the American people need right now

reassurance from their president. Besides, we have anticipated every

question you can be asked.

Just let me run through them again, will you? Let me see.

No, never at any time.

I have since hired the man responsible.

Absolutely untrue.

Only once, and it made me sick.

I'm about as ready as I'm ever going to be.

Mr. Cyclops.

This is it, sir. Coast to coast.

The nation awaits President Cyclops. All right, let's get it over with.

celebrity now.

Knock his knees, please.

Any ideas at all, Donovan?

Well, I don't know, but I will say one thing. With his knees knocking that

it ought to be Johnny Cyclops.

Well, it's funny you should say that, Donovan, because...

ladies and gentlemen. Stay and have a short chat with us, won't you, sir? Why,

I'd be glad to, Dean.

And first of all, let me say I've always been a big fan of yours.

Oh, God.

I have sinned. I have sinned.

Hush. He'll hear you. Huh?

The gunman's bullet is lodged armlessly in your shoulder.

In my shoulder?

Oh, my goodness, he was a terrible shot.

Terrible? He was a brilliant shot. The finest marksman in the CIA.

In the CIA?

Mr. President, have you any idea what effect this vicious and heartless attack

will have on your flagging popularity? You'll be a national hero.

Okay, okay, now what about this one? The doctor says, I'm afraid we're going to

have to amputate at the elbow.

And Cyclops says, that's okay. I'm all for arms limitation.

Isn't that awful?

God, what a turkey. It's genius material.

Write it down.

I don't like the sound of all this.

Sir, if the Lord had meant us to like the sound of everything, he would never

have given us commercial radio.

You had me deliberately shot just to get...

Public sympathy?

Desperate diseases require desperate remedies, sir. Yeah, okay, I got it.

wheel him into the operating room, right? And then the doctor opens up his

chest. And Cyclops says, I sure hope Congress will approve these cuts.

My righteous crown.

Listen,

Deacon, who are all these people?

Be sir, be still. They're just here to furnish you with a few ad libs, as I

believe they're termed in the vernacular.

That lives.

Oh, no, they're all here right here on your idiot board, sir.

Now, these are your openers, okay? My lungs are both full of lead.

Now I know what it feels like to breathe in Detroit.

And then if they're stitching in the sutures, you say, hey, you guys, I'm so

unpopular, you better put in a zip.

I think it'll work if you hit the word zip, sir.

Yeah, and this is the big finish, sir.

operation, you're having a cup of coffee, right? And then you bleed all

cup and saucer and you say, hey, that's okay. I never did like red China.

That's red China. I like that. Mark my words, sir. Your public standing will

rock at this time. Hennessy and his Democrat vipers will be left at the

line.

WBC Dateline News. I'm Jay Garrick. Praise him from whom all blessings flow.

here are the Sunday headlines.

Messages of sympathy and good wishes have begun flooding in from all over

America following a cruel and brutal incident that has shocked the civilized

world. Presidential candidate Jimmy Hennessey was today knocked down by a

speeding ambulance which mounted the sidewalk outside his home, crushing his

legs and causing serious multiple injuries.

The ambulance in question was evidently on its way to hospital carrying

President Johnny Cyclops, who is understood to have received only mild

wounds after an attempt on his life at a TV studio this afternoon.

Nathan Klugman has the details.

Thanks, Jay.

As the hearts of all Americans go out tonight to Jimmy Hennessy, President

Cyclops appears to be making rather a meal of his own somewhat trivial

When asked by nurse how he was feeling, he replied, both my lungs are full of

lead. Maybe they ought to put in a zip.

and earlier on it is understood he asked to have both his arms amputated

apparently as a protest against red china mr cyclops popularity rating is

reported to be fractionally below that of the boston strangler you are quite

clear about your instructions a completely trinket of the dominions go

find you something inconspicuous to wear and then bring it back here at once so

that you can leave the boat at Calais without being recognized and take off

bloody blindfold or we'll get nowhere.

Right. Up you go.

Be

very

careful out there, Master.

There put a porthole in the floor.

You is cut with the brain, you simple bastard! Yes, yes, yes, master.

Strike me again. I am unworthy.

And stop enjoying it when I hit you. Yes, master.

My God, we are already there.

The KTP is on to me.

Oh, quickly, I'm dead.

Quickly, be ready.

The next man to enter this store is going to provide me with my new set of

clothes.

C 'est possible qu 'il soit l 'approbate.

Le diable, hein?

Qu 'il a caché la bombe Karki dans un grand morceau de glace.

Comme ceci.

Il faut le chercher à tout prix. Et surtout, ça... Regardez!

We have to find the ice monster.

Yes, that's right. Quick, quick!

Thank God.

So, take it away.

Captain, which direction?

Well, anywhere.

The lavatory.

Now, the big promotion, huh? Yes, of course.

The president shouldn't really be disturbed.

Well, this one is.

We have to make the best of it. Wake him up, please, nurse.

Thank you, nurse.

No, no, cheetah, leave.

Cheetah, leave.

What time is it, deacon? Late, Mr.

President, perhaps too late. I bring good news and bad news.

Uh -huh. First of all, Jimmy Hennessy died during the night.

Oh, my God.

And the bad news?

In the early hours of this morning, The Soviet Union launched a full -scale

military invasion of Iran.

Nurse?

Right here, Mr. President.