Original subtitles

WBC Dateline News, bringing you all the news that's news this summer's morning.

I'm Jay Garrick. Hope you are, too.

First news of America's horrifying new nuclear deterrent, the Quark bomb,

formerly known as the Johnny Cyclops bomb, after the president of the same

We're just getting reports in from the Pentagon that none of these terrifying

bombs has just been stolen.

As he announced the news this morning, Captain Mendel Krybotnik denied

suggestions that one of the bombs had been stolen by an international

group, possibly the PLO or Black September Movement, but he couldn't say

one for certain.

While it had been stolen, could be easily activated, Captain Krybotnik was

rushed to hospital suffering from an old war wound.

He wanted to ask for the reaction of the Soviet Union.

Yes,

yes.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

What is this?

Quark bomb.

Bomba Johnny.

Yes,

all is well so far.

Of course, getting it from here in Nevada to the Middle East will not be

But I think there is one man who can pull it off for us. His name is

Many call him the devil.

No, I have not actually met him, but he has sent a...

A demo tape.

Apparently it contains some testimonials from people who have employed him.

Look, I will watch it now and call you back.

I like that.

You know, in a job like banking, good mercenaries are essential.

And that's why I always plump for Lekrebet, the deviant.

Some people call him the man of a thousand faces. And it's not that.

Do you see why?

When I was hired in 67 to... stir things up a tiny bit in Nigeria.

He was posing as Moses Mbimbi, a black, educated, early Islamic pottery

consultant with prostate trouble.

A truly brilliant cover.

If it's mercenaries you're after, lecribets you mean.

Hello, old chum.

My name is Prakash Ranjisinji of Armitrage, Engineer, Patel, Ganges, and

Popadom, and I think you're delighted.

to be able to recommend this excellent lacrobat fellow. Oh, not half. Oh, yes,

governments toppled, hunters installed, arms smuggled, or even for that very

special assassination. Why not try Lacrobat, the dirty trick specialist?

one five -minute telephone call from this videocassette.

The man of a thousand faces, they call him. And I specially recommend number

602. It was used for both the Pope jobs in 1978.

That's from the dear Janet Babyface von Bismarck.

Hello. My name is Olaf Jokkmokk, and I'm Swedish.

Oh, dear, I hope you've got the keys to my whirlwind.

I work for a well -known firm of Swedish dentists at Carlsberg, Johansson,

Vastanik, Gotland, and Stade. And I first met Mr. Lacrobat last December to

an estimate for the liquidation of John McEnroe.

Since only then, while impersonating the right, honorable mouth, say, Rosenthal,

a diabetic mid -master from Kathmandu, he has wiped out three in...

Hire firm survival dental surgeons for us here. Oh, yes, I always use

Lacrovat.

Hello?

Well, yes, he is a little strange, but I think we can trust him.

By the way, do I ever tell him who he is working for?

Under no circumstances.

Well, boys and girls, we did it. The last convoy of Yank missiles leaves

tomorrow.

What's the matter, Dave? You seem tense.

Tense? Be careful.

No.

Jolly good.

Incidentally, I trust neither of you has said a word to anyone about, um... Oh,

Jerusalem. We thought it best not to, Cap.

That's the ticket. I wonder where the tea lady's got to.

Britain, can you hear me?

I've got enough of my hands here with one mental case. I

don't know what came over me.

Well, try and get a grip of yourself. I can't bottle it up much longer.

All right, boys and girls, he's just coming.

Kev, I've been thinking this disarmament's all very well, but we've

careful we don't just let the Russians get in by the back door.

Julia stepping up their undercover operations here.

Rubbish.

You're worrying unnecessarily.

All the same, there are certain things we should keep to ourselves.

The fact that the Shah of Iran is still alive, for instance.

He's right, Kev. We don't want to start another world war, do we? No problem.

I could just use my super strength to push Britain out of the way and then the

bombs would miss us.

Sometimes I wonder whether you really believe I am Superman at all.

Well, well. Oh, ye of little faith.

Are these important?

Beading letters from the royal family.

I will now demonstrate the scorching effect of my super heat vision.

For the treasure of man, he did it!

Good Lord, is that the time? I must fly.

He did it. It's true.

He really is Superman.

Oh, shut up.

The president of the United States. Oh, I feel silly.

If the Lord had meant us to be sensible, he would never have given us credit

cards.

You're not supposed to conduct American foreign affairs through a parrot. I

mean, it's unconstitutional.

Mr. President, Dallam al -Rashid is not just a parrot.

He is the shah of Iran's parrot.

Everything you say to this bird, he will repeat word for word to his beloved

master and to nobody else. Yeah, but are we sure he'll find the Shah on this

cross -channel ferret? Once released at Dover, he will fly straight to the boat,

faster than the Lord to Aleppo.

Your Imperial Majesty, you may have noticed that I am sending this message

you by means of a parrot.

That is because what I am about to say is of such a highly sensitive and

confident... Are you sure he's getting all this?

Well, the situation is this. The quark bomb has not been stolen by a terrorist.

We stole it ourselves.

Unless...

gave it to a terrorist. Oh, I don't think so.

There's no turning back now, sir. We have now secretly arranged. Yeah, all

right. Hello.

It's me again.

We have now secretly arranged for an international mercenary known as the

to give a quiet calm to one of your men in Iran so that when the time comes,

armed with the world's most powerful deterrent, you will easily regain your

rightful perch.

Now, that's so great.

And we hope to have you off that ferry very soon.

May we rest, Mr. President?

Oh, Nick.

Oh, gee.

P .S.

I would now be very grateful if you would eat me.

You know what to do. Take the bird straight to Dover.

Have faith in the good book, Mr. President. For with the good book, we

accomplish anything.

concern over the missing quark bomb formerly known as the johnny cyclops

after the president of the same day the bomb scratches two meters long with a

diameter of 85 centimeters has the explosive power of 50 conventional

devices

Excuse me, officer. Was I exceeding the permitted speed limit?

Okay, where's the circus?

Oh, I see.

You just want direction.

I'm afraid I'm a stranger. Cut the crap.

Don't you know you can get ten years and a pen on a porno rap in this here

state?

Oh, no, officer. This isn't pornography.

Well, it sure ain't a tootsie roll.

No, no.

This is a rare Peruvian phallus of Aztec origin, originally erected at the time

of Pizarro's conquest of Atahualpa.

Is this your wagon?

No, no, no. This is leased to me by the firm of Wadich, Flack, Ellsberg, Martin,

and Malvolio. You want to see my driving license?

A duty made out in the name of Gladstone, Ganymede, Princewell,

of Palaeontology, and... Where are you headed?

Why did the airport, sir? I have to convey this treasure to the British

London, England, Britain, Europe.

I know where it is.

I have here the relevant documentation signed, as you can see, by Professors

Venables, Pilger, Tatlock, Aramis, and Dance, exchanged to... The

woman may concern.

Professor Princewell is a qualified... ...artivist.

Artivist?

Specializing in ancient, uh, ink... ...ar -ography.

Ink -a -nack -a -nography.

Fully authorized to drive a giant dong about.

Look, if you're quite satisfied, I'll be on my way. You know how long customs

take over this kind of thing.

Oh, no, you don't.

You must think I'm a right maroon.

I wouldn't let you be seen in the terminal with a thing like this.

I'll get one of my boys to slip you through the security screen and load it

early. Before it causes a riot.

They're really most terribly kind, sir.

Is there anything we can cover it up with?

Well, uh... Does this roll neck sweater... I think we

better keep her to Jewish.

Yes,

we are very much approved of your new policy towards the Americans.

Oh, good.

We love the way you, how you say, kick them in the bullocks.

The peace all over them.

Yes. Mr. Dubienkin. Sit down.

It's the first time you have visited Russia, is it not? Yes, actually.

Well, this is a steak.

Feel it.

And I can promise you it's not the only one we have.

In Russia, we have dozens of this.

Dozens.

But this is our country's most popular dish of all. Ah, salt.

Finest quality.

Try.

Russia refuse to eat anything else.

By lucky coincidence, we have more than 800 billion

tons of it.

So Russia's a fortunate country, is she not? If we might turn to policy

discussion. Forgive me.

What the United Kingdom is really aiming at is a kind of neutral posture. When

the world war comes.

All neutral countries will have same options as that piece of steak.

Rare, medium, or well done.

Neutral countries are no friends of Russia.

Neutral countries keep secrets from us.

Secrets? Secrets, like the American plan to restore new Shah of Iran to power.

I don't think I'm quite with you.

Even now, we have two of America's top agents under interrogation. They

will tell us where the new Shah of Iran is hiding.

Everyone knows the new Shah of Iran is dead, sir. If this imperialistic

adventurism in the Middle East leads to a war, neutral countries...

Yes, but that won't happen, will it, sir? Because the Shah is dead, isn't he?

The fact that the Shah of Iran is still alive, for instance.

I wonder if you have ever considered joining the Warsaw Pact.

Believe me, Mr. President, we will get Mr. and Mrs. Hopper out of that Russian

prison cell. There's no way this plan can fail.

First of all, we airdrop 28 Filipino hookers into the compound to keep the

occupied. Should the area commander be around, we'll also have a faggot in a

wetsuit on standby.

Next, we keep the Soviet radar busy with a plague of locusts over Volgograd.

I've checked with Bug Warfare, and they tell me they can get 20 swarms

airworthy, no sweat.

As a further distraction, I will personally strap my body to a neutron

Mr. President. I'm sure you've taken a lot of trouble over this rescue plan,

I really don't think... I failed you, sir.

Don't worry. I won't embarrass you a moment longer.

No, no!

Not here, Mr. Grant.

Perhaps we could just hear your next suggestion. Certainly, sir.

Operation Big Thor, sir. A team of Cubans flood the Armenian water supply

-lax, and while everyone's in the jar, we... Uh, Operation Duck Soup, sir.

The CIA circulate rigged Polaroids showing Dubienkin as a child molester.

no! A lie for a lie, a truth for a truth, Mr. President.

We're talking about the salvation of two American citizens.

Look, how about you take a chopper over from one of our bases in Turkey?

We could cause a diversion with an anthrax attack on Tokyo.

No diversions. Just you and a few apes in a helicopter.

The Israelis did it, and we have an entire testament to play with. Very

Mr. President. But if I'm caught, I'll insist I was doing it all off my own

There's nothing they can do to make me talk. They can put burning needles down

my fingernails. Thank you, Mr. Hopper. They can shove a red -hot, hard -boiled

egg right up my... Oh, thank you.

If you'd like me to leave my kidneys off, I don't know. Let's go ahead and

out of here.

For the last time, Mr.

Hopper, you think I have just fallen off the top of a Christmas tree?

I know that you are an undercover CIA agent. I demand that you tell me what

America is up to in the Middle East.

Otherwise, you can wave goodbye to both your hands.

If you cut them off, how can he wave goodbye?

Shut up!

God have mercy on me.

How can I tell you what we don't know?

Right. We'll see if this changes your mind.

I thought I asked for...

one with a rubber handle.

It had a rubber handle, Commissar. It didn't have a non -slip easy grip tight

rubber handle, did it?

It's the one out in the stores, Commissar.

Shut up!

Fortunately, I have a spare one in my locker.

I will go and get it.

Don't think you are going to get away with this.

an itch in my leg, spare driving me loco, would you just scratch it for me?

You know the KGB regulations.

All itches must be scratched only by the commissar.

Which leg is it?