Original subtitles

And Shah Razim now boards the private launch, which will ferry him across the

channel to Britain.

Oh, my God.

This is terrible.

This is terrible.

The Shah's boat has blown up.

This once gleaming gazelle -like craft is now a ball of flames.

A human casserole where blood is the gravy, barbecuing the bodies in a

spit.

Gee, I wish I had a figure like that.

You can.

Benzinger lift and grip girdle.

Benzinger twin stretch panels hug your curve and prevent unsightly panty ride.

You really do look ten years younger.

The Benzinger lift and grip girdle.

Be a little firmer with your figure.

Thank you, Bob. Well, what a body blow. Shaw Racine, coldly and cruelly

assassinated by terrorists just when no one at all was expecting it. The death

of the late Shaw's brother will come as a real kick in the teeth for President

Cyclops.

that the Shah is not dead. They blew him into a thousand pieces.

You think maybe they can operate?

I think that our prime concern was to protect the Shah from Arab assassination

attempts. To do that, we had to convince them he was dead.

Oh, I see.

Everybody thinks the Shah is dead, and in fact, he is.

That sounds foolproof.

Sir, the CIA arranged to have that boat detonated by remote control.

Rafim and his blindfolded lacquit are now being secretly ferried to Britain

where the conservative government have pledged their safety until we can

secretly smuggle them here to Washington.

Did I know about this?

Of course, Mr. President.

Oh, oh, thank you, Deacon.

I think you are blown up, master.

Now you can travel to Britain in safety and comfort.

You don't sound well, toast of the zodiac.

Yes, very hot and feverish.

I have some coffee here to cheer you up.

sight of your holy countenance and had to pluck out my eyes with a pair of

tongs. And another thing.

Master. Scott of the Antarctic was a film with Kenneth Moore.

If only you hadn't lost those seasickness pills.

Now there is nothing at all I can take. Nothing.

You are wrong, Master.

What? It was John Mills.

Scott of the Antarctic with John Mills.

But an hour or so, diamond of the firmaments.

One more hour, and I'll be back on dry level.

The

National

Seaman Strike.

All cross -channel ferries will be stranded where they are until further

American couple being held by the KGB.

Mr. Dubenkian claims the crew's missile was found in their rucksack.

And the assassination of the Shah of Iran.

Police raid a cafe in Brixton.

Good evening.

We've just asked to go before Thursday's general election.

Social Democrats look set for a victory.

The latest public opinion polls show Labour trailing with 16 .1%.

the Conservatives with 31 .5%, and the Social Democratic Alliance with a

resounding lead of 52%. The shift to liberalism is reflected, too, on the

side of the Atlantic, where Republic and President Johnny Cyclops is now caught

up in a desperate struggle for his own re -election in the autumn.

Yes?

The deacon is here with your campaign advisor, sir. Oh, fine.

Morning, boys.

Send them in, will you? Oh, no.

Melvin Hickey, PR coordinator, chief executive of the Johnny Cyclops re

-election think tank. A tremendous honor and privilege, sir. And that is Biff.

Well,

now, boys. Oh, Lord!

Take pity on us, thy humble servants. Bless us with thy divine love and mercy.

Give the Democrat Party election candidate a withered arm.

typhus among the Soviet Politburo forever and ever, amen?

Now, Mr. President, this is the way we see the election campaign.

Using the Johnny Cyclops bomb as the very cornerstone of our foreign policy,

create an image of strength.

Yeah, wait a minute. Johnny Cyclops bomb?

What Johnny Cyclops bomb?

It was named after you, sir.

I didn't think it was named after Laurel and Hardy. What is it?

Riff?

bomb is the devastating new deterrent that gives you up to 50 times more

fatalities than most leading nuclear bombs for the same capital outlay. That

means more death and destruction, more value for your money. How does it work?

The answer is simple. Fusion of heavy neutrons cause a realignment of

quark particles, creating a supermassive new energy release. Yes, the Johnny

Cyclops bomb.

batch of Johnny Cyclops bombs into full deployment just as the primaries begin.

I announce these glad tidings coast to coast on my Texaco complanar of

salvation.

Suddenly you're back in the race.

Yeah, but if one of those things accidentally went off, it could blow up

entire state. I mean, think of the ribs.

We have, sir. That's why we're citing them in Europe.

of the most destructive instrument of death ever known being called the Johnny

Cyclops bomb.

Well, Biff thought it was a good idea. Am I right, Biff? The Johnny Cyclops

bomb. It grabs me. It grabs Biff, sir. I don't care if it grabs Biff. Listen,

who the hell is Biff, anyway?

With respect, there's only a little late for this. The bomb is being launched

tomorrow. Launched tomorrow?

When? Deacon says launched, sir. He means launched to the press at a small

cocktail party, not literally launched against Russia.

Unless, of course, you... No, no, no!

I want my name taken off this goddamn thing. I want it called the Quark Bomb

instead. The Quark Bomb? And you shut up. I like it. I don't give a... You do?

Oh, you hear that?

Biff likes it. He grabs Biff.

Well, settle then, the Quark Bomb.

It's going to change. As you wish, sir. Finally, the Johnny Cyclops campaign

song. Right. I think you'll like it, sir.

Raised on a riverbank in Omaha.

Went to the mission where he played his guitar.

Always took his hat off when he spoke to his ma.

Once gave a nigger kid a lift in his car.

Johnny, Johnny Cyclops never started World War III.

Who thinks his tax returns on the left...

Authorized to cover up in 1954.

And who spends a night a week in bed with a whore?

Johnny Cyclops, that's for sure.

Johnny Cyclops never started World War III.

Back from diplomacy, never lost his tack. They sing throughout his term, no,

never ever cracked. Never flinched from duty and was never scared to act.

Loved to put the shit up the Warsaw Prat.

I've got to tell you, I still think the stars and stripes have the edge.

And then?

And then?

Has the Satan's strike over yet?

Not yet, bangle of the fatherland.

new suit I found for you, Master.

Nice and inconspicuous. So now you are truly incognito.

Yes, yes.

I must have air!

I think, Captain, I had better have my uniform back.

It will be done in about ten minutes, Master.

Good. What do you mean, done? Where is it?

Oh, it's perfectly safe, Master. I just put it in the washing machine.

58 years ago, in small -town Pocatello, Idaho, a young baby was

born.

As a child, he grew up among the fresh pine forests and cool mountain streams.

gambled with the gophers and prairie dogs.

Today, that child is Johnny Cyclops, president of the United States,

guardian of the free world, and founder of the most terrifically lethal

instrument of mass destruction the world has ever known, the Quack Bomb,

formerly known as the Johnny Cyclops Bomb.

to the president of the same name.

Okay, Mr. President?

Yes. I voted for Johnny Cyclops the last time, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

I like him because he's such a decisive man.

They say he never suffers from any form of amnesia whatsoever.

A very decisive man.

We interrupt this commercial to bring you a news bulletin. In the United

general election, there has been a narrow yet decisive victory for the left

-wing Labor Tribune party of Kevin Pork. Mr. Pork is expected to see the cabinet

meeting very early to discuss his program of radical reform.

Sorry, Kev? In office.

Four years, 11 months and 30 days.

Read it back to me again, will you, Dave?

Oh, right away.

Minutes of Her Majesty's cabinet meeting.

Convened at 10 .33 a .m. One nationalised banks, increased pension,

social benefits, granted free public transport for all.

Set up massive job creation scheme to reduce unemployment by five and a half

million.

Total cost, 1 ,000 billion pounds.

Two, withhold all future EEC contributions, serve notice of

Abolish Trident slash defence spending by 98%.

Cancel the civil list and close down the Daily Telegraph.

Total saving... Total saving, 1 ,000 billion pounds.

Any other business?

Abolished House of Lords, withdrew from NATO, asked private education and

settled the Seaman Strike.

The meeting was adjourned after ten minutes.

I can't understand how the other governments made it last so long.

Still, it has consummated the marriage, as it were.

And there's nothing for it now but to tell you.

Tell us what, Kev?

Well, it's a rather personal matter. It's very personal, actually.

Now, how can I put it without telling you now?

That's too much of a shock.

You see, I am... No.

It's no good. You've got to know.

The truth of it is, I am secretly Superman.

Superman? Correct.

Bit of a big one, isn't it?

Obviously, you'd like some sort of proof. Well, there you are.

And, of course, there's the... Holy Mother of Moses.

this affects things rather heavily.

I think that's putting it mildly.

Sorry.

As from tomorrow, I shall announce the immediate withdrawal of all American

forces, both nuclear and conventional, from British soil.

In future, I shall be handling all our defense needs personally in my capacity

as the man of steel.

that it's part of our policy of unilateral disarmament.

There'll be no need for an independent missile anymore because I myself am

faster than a speeding bullet.

That's it, boys and girls.

That's about the top and bottom of it.

I saw something rather interesting with my telescopic and X -ray vision.

The new Shah of Iran isn't dead at all. He's on a cross -channel ferry bound for

Dover at this very moment.

Didn't you get a memo from MI5 telling you that this morning?

Yes, I left it upstairs in my in -tray. Oh,

that's a point, Brian. If the Saudis find we've let that man into Britain,

they'll be hell to pay.

I shall issue instructions that he's not to be allowed off the boat.

Wouldn't it be quicker to fly down there at super speed and tell him yourself?

I don't think that'll be necessary.

I mean, there's no need to go mad, is there?

But try dragging Dennis along, will ya?

Why is Johnny Cyclops like a two -bit hooker? Oh, why is Johnny Cyclops like a

two -bit hooker?

Sick minds, Mr. President, sick minds!

Well, how do they think I feel?

The one man we were all depending on going back and forth across the English

Channel like a shuttlecock.

If only we could airlift him off!

Far too risky, sir. We must not alert the Soviets, not while they have two of

our citizens.

We've got to get him off that goddamn boat! Sir!

us to panic, he would never have given us clean trousers.

Listen, Mary, Mary, get me Downing Street, will you? I gotta talk to this

Pork. Just who does he think he is?

Oh, God save us. The Prime Minister of Great Britain thinks he's Superman.

Will you give up? Can you imagine what would happen if the press got hold of

this note?

I'm sorry, I can't make question time in the house today. Brainiac has escaped

from the Phantom Zone.

Hello?

Yes, I'll hold.

It's the President of the United States.

Oh, glory hallelujah. What are you going to tell him? I'm sorry, the Prime

Minister is out of his mind at the moment. Will you stop whittling like a

We've got to... Hello.

No, I'm terribly sorry, Mr President. We're not quite sure where he is at the

moment. Hang on.

I think this could be him.

Sorry, I'm late, boys and girls.

Is that for me?

President Cyclops, Kev.

He won't be allowed in. Goodbye.

interest you to know, I've just been to see the doctor.

Doctor? I haven't been feeling myself just lately.

We weren't going to say anything.

Well, no use pretending, is it? I think I've been overdoing things, but I had a

talk with the doctor and he's given me some pills to take. Oh, it'll be for the

best, Kev. I'm sure it will. Which doctor is this then, Kev? Doctor Destiny

Earth 2.

You know him.

He helped me to rescue Lois Lane.

Starfish of Atlantis.

Well, Crypto, it's time for your fly round the block.

Of course you do.

No way.

Well, it don't look right to me.

And that's another thing.

What?

You know when the colonel brought these things in here and said they were the

most lethal and dangerous bombs in the whole world and we had to guard them

our lives?

Yeah. What about it?

Nothing.

Just that I could have sworn there were six of them.