Original subtitles

Saudi Arabia, the revolt by fanatical Muslims which has toppled the country's

royal family, continues. This week, the new Revolutionary Council began a major

purge of all pro -Western revisionists who have persistently failed to observe

the strictures of Islamic law.

Sheikh Wanji del Shadri, publicly flogged for miming to a Joe Cocker

during Ramadan.

Yitzhak Ben Fasal, former minister for oil, sentenced to death for entering a

mosque on a unicycle and referring to the Prophet Muhammad as spats.

...formally executed for keeping a photograph of Ernest Borgnine in his

and later appearing on the streets of Mecca dressed as Aquaman.

Because of the ever -increasing tensions in the Middle East, the United States

has now placed its rapid deployment forces at nearby Diego Garcia on a full

condition blue alert.

The FB -111, a tactical bomber with the velocity capability of double the speed

of sound. A new refinement to this aircraft's swing -wing perception.

Sikowsky, where do you think you're going? Emergency belt, sir. Nuclear

Sikowsky, will you sit down? Stop being so jumpy.

The crucial thing that we have to do in that route, you said, it sounded like a

bell ringing.

What, an aircraft?

No, the other one.

Facility?

Swing wing?

Sikowsky! Not already that time, sir.

Will you sit down?

It ain't my fault.

It's the words.

Swing wing.

They sound too much like ding -a -ling.

Great!

Now, sit down, all of you.

If you can't be trusted to sit tight, you know what I'm going to have to do,

don't you?

Yes, sir.

And what's that?

Screw your boots to the floor, sir.

Screw your boots to the floor.

Now, I got the screwdriver, and I'm not afraid to use it if I have to. Now,

then. The kind of range we're talking... All right, for him, he's already got

his boots screwed to the floor. What did you say, Sikowsky?

Nothing, sir.

Pardon me, I thought you just said something.

No, sir. Something about my boots being screwed to the floor.

No, sir!

Just watch your lips, Sonny.

Now, in addition to the FB -111, we'll shortly be deploying the new Streamline

Tornado, a model of which I have right here.

For the last time, will you...

WBC Worldwide News, coast to coast, bringing you all the news. This news is

Breakfast Time from WBC Dateline News. I'm Jay Garrick. Good morning. The

time headlines.

Ashik Rasim, younger brother of the late Shah of Iran, is to be deported from

his home in southern France, where he's been living since the revolution which

toppled his brother seven years ago.

The French government say the new shawl will be expelled next week for publicly

engaging in anti -Iranian political activities. And they stress that the

decision has nothing whatsoever to do with an attempt to butter up the

who is currently deciding where to buy a new $500 billion nuclear reactor plant.

But what's this? I'm being thrust a piece of emergency paper now containing

up -to -the -minute newsflash.

We just heard of yet another false nuclear alert among NATO forces in the

East. For a full three and a half seconds yesterday morning, it was

world was at war.

Releasing details of the incident, a Pentagon spokesman said the alarm was

triggered by a numerical overload of a space invader's machine in the pilot's

mess room.

However, there was no danger. Repeat, however, there was no danger of any

escalation, and the alert never got beyond computer stage.

And certainly no nuclear bombers whatsoever got halfway to Russia and

to turn back again.

And now the rest of the news.

Armageddon. No, it's not Armageddon.

It's Albuquerque. Ah, that's it.

Must be a misprint.

The president will soon be on course for Albuquerque.

Must be a primary there next month.

Hello? Yes?

Your national security advisor is here, sir. Send him in.

of damnation into whose polls it bowels we think daily with our unrelenting sins

and iniquities. Morning, Deacon. I'm glad you're feeling more optimistic

If the Lord had meant us to be optimists, he would never have given us

assurance. Sure.

Added to which, sir, the latest public opinion polls.

Oh, my God. This is a disaster.

How am I ever going to get re -elected with a popularity rating ten points

Charles Manson? Only by facing the nation's problems. Problems full square,

President, and the gravest of those problems is I don't need to tell you and

will tell you as the Middle East.

This new government in Saudi Arabia is poison, sir, poison. There must be...

Stop!

This new defense minister they've appointed, he looks a real slippery son

bitch. He should be, sir. He's one of ours.

We planted a CIA agent on their revolutionary council.

Did I authorize that? It was God's will, sir.

I beg your pardon.

Within two days, he had discovered every one of their secret policy objectives,

and before being ceremonially beheaded, he had managed to pass them on to his

contact in a nearby peasant village. That contact I have here, waiting to

you the details in person.

Deacon, you surpass yourself?

In a mysterious way.

One word of caution. At home, this man was a convicted criminal, a minor

transgression, I gather, but he still bears the scars of his punishment. Still

little touchy, huh? Suffice to say, he never talks about it. Welcome to the

world, beggar!

This is Mr. Johnny Cyclops, president of civilization.

Hi, beggar.

I beg your pardon.

Oh, my God, you've had your tongue ripped out. Oh, that's right.

I really... Have a cigarette.

Oh, well, thank you. Thank you very much. That's very kind.

Oh!

Now, listen, I understand that you have certain information about the

Revolutionary Council's policy towards the United States.

What is this?

Oh, five words. Five words.

Four words. Four words. Four words. The second word. The first two words. First

two words.

Scissors. Scissors.

No, no.

Dressmaking.

Tailoring. Israeli interests.

No, no.

Tongue. Lick. Lick. Oh, no, it wouldn't be that.

Cut off what? Cut off. Cut off. Cut off. Third word.

Little bitty word.

Little bitty word.

Us. We.

Our. Cut off our.

Cut off our. Cut off our what? Cut off our ear.

Cut off our. Lord.

Sounds like, sir. Oh, sounds like. Sounds like.

Sounds like. Sounds like. Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Scabs.

Impetigo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Boil!

Boil! Yeah, yeah, right. Sounds like cut off or sounds like boil.

Coil, soil.

Oil! Yeah!

I got it! You see, I got it! They're gonna cut off our oil! They're gonna cut

off our oil!

WBC Worldwide News, coast to coast, bringing you all the news that's news

Monday brunch time from WBC Dateline News. I'm Jay Garrick. The snack time

headlines. The two American citizens who won a three -day trip to Moscow in a

vodka competition have been seized by KGB psychiatrists and placed under house

arrest. The competition was one of those where you have to guess the identities

of six TV personalities from pictures of their teeth.

The Soviet news agency TASS claims that Jonathan and Martha Hopper are secretly

United States intelligence agents who have gone to Russia to plot the

of Eastern Europe.

Mr. Hopper, a 73 -year -old... retired duck breeder from Sagebrush, Colorado,

not known for his previous affiliations to the CIA.

And now the rest of the news.

Doris Cronkite, the woman who secured a lock of Frank Sinatra's hair in 1958,

has today sold it back to him for an undisclosed sum.

No,

no, no.

I am Commissar Solzhenitsyn. No relation.

Now, it's amazing that you can tell Mrs.

Hopper that your government has admitted your shabby connections with the CIA

and has handed you over to the KGB for such treatment as we might consider

appropriate. You tell me what it says in the papers.

You have seen the newspapers?

Yes. They ordered continental breakfast.

We'll choose coffee rolls and choice of jams with the morning papers.

In future,

no maximum security prisoners will be allowed newspapers.

No, commissar. And a choice of jams only upon confession.

Now, your complicity with American intelligence is well known to us, Mr.

and Mrs.

Hopper. Or should I say, Mark and Pop.

And what is more, we have proof.

caught you lurking about, waiting for a contact to pass on compromising

microfilm.

And here we caught you secretly discussing your next move, not 300 yards

from the state opera house. Notice, by the way, the beautiful Gothic

architecture on this building.

And here, your guilt proven, you opt for total concealment amongst the crowds in

Red Square.

Notice here...

The flowerbeds, planted by hand every spring, blossoming in the summer into a

riot of color and fragrance in the very heart of the city.

We need to go on.

We don't know what you're talking about.

My patience is wearing very thin.

I think that you are working for American intelligence, and you will save

yourself much trouble.

I don't...

for everyone.

Is this man with you?

I thought he was here upon your orders, Commissar. Are you mad?

Where did you find him? What is it?

of the American ambassador.

Comrade. Come in. Sit down.

I am Comrade Dubienkin, Soviet Premier.

Yes. This is the first time we have met, is it not?

No, we've met on 278 previous occasions.

I expect you can guess. Russia is a great country.

Yes. Ah, yes, sir. A very great country. Full dryer.

What are they?

Meat shortages?

Never heard of them.

Just because I have a dead dog in my fridge proves nothing.

Why shouldn't I have a dead dog in my fridge if I want to?

It's a great country, sir.

Yes, Russia is a great country and a happy

country.

I have here letter from man saying he likes living in Russia.

Comrade, I like living in Russia. Signed, Dmitry Lanovich. Yes, sir. A

testimonial. Here is sworn affidavit from two witnesses proving letter is

genuine.

I can get you ten, maybe twelve people in here who will personally testify a

letter was not signed at gunpoint. That won't be necessary, sir.

Good. But you have urgent matter you wish to discuss.

Yes, I do.

Go ahead.

Thank you, sir. I will make us a drink.

You're very kind, sir.

The point is...

I've been asked to tell you that the president views with the gravest

sir, the seizing of this American couple, Mr. and Mrs. Hart.

Mr. and Mrs. Hart.

Mr. and Mrs. Hart.

Mr. and Mrs. Hart. Mr. and Mrs.

Hart. Mr. and Mrs. Hart.

Mr.

and Mrs. Hart.

Yes.

Russia is a great country.

Oh, I am Comrade Dobienkin, by the way. Soviet Premier.

It's the first time we have met.

And with President Cypops apparently refusing to adopt a firm line with the

Russians, we ask, has the White House turned yellow? Yeah, shut it off,

Shut it off!

This goddamn hopper of a pair. No, they're actually calling me a coward,

Coward! How can they say such a thing, sir, of a man who once wrestled a live

alligator with his bare hands? Damn right. How can... I did.

Your third Tarzan picture for RKO.

Oh, yeah. Tarzan and the Snake Woman.

Sure. Yeah, I wonder whatever happened to Loretta. Mr. President, sir, have you

finished that CIA... Saudi Arabia yet? Well, damn it, Deacon, the thing's more

than two inches thick. Why don't you just read the conclusions on the last

Well, I didn't want to spoil the ending.

Basically, there are three ways we can restore influence in the Middle East.

Alternative one, a surprise attack on Saudi Arabia. This would involve ten

commando divisions sneaking in the back way while everyone else was facing

Mecca.

In addition to your secret missile launches in Egypt, the risk of discovery

the problem here. People have already started noticing there are more pyramids

than there used to be.

Alternative three is, in my opinion, the wisest course. We use all our resources

to help the new Shah of Iran regain his brother's throne.

The Shah?

But his brother is a murderer.

Nonsense. Would you call Dillinger a murderer?

Well, yes.

Well, the fact remains he's the only ally in the Gulf we can rely upon.

Dillinger? The Shah!

Even at this moment, thousands of insurgents loyal to Rasim are waiting to

in, overthrow the Archmuller, and restore Western culture. All we need to

to offer them a little covert assistance.

But isn't that the sort of thing we condemn the Russians for doing in El

Salvador? If the Lord had meant us to be consistent, he would never have given

us Milton Friedman.

Deacon, don't you think the Easter decorations are a little stupid?

A mere icon, sir.

Essentially where to snatch the Catholic vote from Hennessy. Besides, it creates

jobs for the students during their vacation. Now, the French ambassador, I

to him today. He tells me Shara's theme has been formally ordered to leave

Calais midday tomorrow.

Well, he's not coming here.

Deacon, remember my integrity. I remember it well, Mr. President.

Where are you going to find a country damn fool enough to welcome the brother

a mass murderer? The conservative government in Britain didn't hesitate,

They're willing to grant him asylum for as long as they're in power. That's

right. How long is that? About seven and a half days, sir. They hold their

general election next Thursday.

Ample time for us secretly to smuggle the Shah back here, lay plans for his

counter -revolution in Iran later this year, just in time to boost your

reputation for our election in the fall.

That's great.

And if anything goes wrong... I wouldn't be at all surprised, Mr. President.

WBC Worldwide News, coast to coast, bringing you all the news that's news

Wednesday midnight from WBC Late Line News. I'm Jay Garrick. Have a cookie.

late, late...

It has been announced that Shaw Rasim of Iran will be officially deported from

France in about half an hour's time and has already been offered asylum in

Britain by the conservative government.

The Secretary of State for the Environment stressed there would be no

preferential treatment. The Shaw would be housed in standard council

accommodation, probably somewhere in the south coast of England.

In accordance with French regulations, Rasim will be formally seen off by the

country's foreign minister, André Moreau, a man not noted for his subtle

approach to diplomatic protocol.

Only a few weeks ago, he greeted a delegation of New Zealand lamb exporters

dropping his pants to be kissed on both cheeks. On a recent visit to the United

Kingdom, he is believed to have smacked the Archbishop of Canterbury round the

face with a wet herring as a protest over European fishing rights. We'll be

bringing you live coverage of that deportation ceremony just as soon as the

of Iran reaches Calais. That's right here on WBC After the Break.

Do you think that the blindfold is... I am wearing it now.

I knew you were right.

I was just wondering if you really needed it at the moment.

I am not worthy to look upon your holy countenance, Master.

For so it is written in the ancient scriptures, O Lion of the Gulf, that I

forbidden even to see your face.

Yes, I realize.

Slow down.

Look out!

Muggle the scriptures.

Just take it off.

I would catch a glimpse of your divine visage in the mirror, oh star of the

east, and would then have to gouge out my eyes with a toothpick.

It'd be very queasy in the back here.

Oh, God, I'll be glad when we get to England.

Take one of your travel sickness pills, oh moon of the desert.

Where are they?

In the big suitcase, oh last of the Mohicans.

How am I supposed to...

That was an old 1940s western, wasn't it?

With Randolph Scott and Bruce Capote.

Oh, yes.

Charmagic resin.

This way, please.

I will take the cases and load them onto the boat, oh jewel of the cosmos.

Good day, gentlemen of the world press.

Also is eminence the Archmuller of Iran, if you are looking in.

As you see, aujourd 'hui, nous sommes ici pour assister à une cérémonie de

grosse humiliation.

Welcome to this farewell ceremony.

As contravened the terms of his stay here and must leave.

Cet homme ici est un cochon afro qui me fait vomir.

Here is the deportation order.

Made out, as you see, to His Majesty the 18th Shah in big letters.

sugar cube.

So then, here is the floppy stick of

a star.

And good riddance.

Damn pig ignorant French.

Is that you, spangle of the heavens?

now boards the private launch which will ferry him across the Channel to

Britain. The future of the Western Alliance depends on this man, Mr.

I won't rest easy in my bed till we've got him over here in Washington.

Security, of course, is very tight here because there are many Arab terrorist

organizations who would give anything to see this man Razim dead.

On the contrary, Mr. President, this is where it all...