Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him bright.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I say now?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does he...

How long will you be?

I prefer coffee.

What?

What?

Have you nearly finished?

It's quarter past eight.

No, me, shave.

Shouldn't you plug it in?

Yes, yes, it's just... Oh, here.

Hey. Hey, this is dangerous, you know.

Don't press too hard.

No, I mean all them plugs on the one socket.

Oh, I got it for my birthday!

If you like, I could make that into a two -gang.

Yeah, and I could fix another double over there by running a spur off the

Phone!

No, no, the domains ring.

No, I thought I heard the phone!

That office five.

What? I'll be home.

Oh, Ben!

Brenda, what's up? Can't you sleep?

I'm very good. I'd have given Arthur a chance.

That was your mother.

On the phone? No, on a Formula One broomstick.

I thought I heard a phone.

Why didn't you answer it then?

Didn't sound like it was for me.

She said a letter had arrived for your recorded delivery.

I'll call round lunchtime.

Why didn't you answer it?

I didn't hear it.

You've opened it?

Well, you didn't expect me to sign for something without checking the contents.

It's a personal letter.

That's all right.

I haven't shown it to anybody.

Not likely to, either.

You going to reply?

Well, I'll tell them my new address, if nothing else.

Oh, well, that should frighten them.

So that personal letters stay personal.

You know, I don't see the details of your business as their business.

Whose business?

Her solicitor's. I mean, you had that workshop before you were married.

Miss Douglas, has she ever helped?

Helped? Well, cleaned out the office, like I used to do.

You know, when I looked in last week, I thought you got a new grey carpet, till

I realised it was dust.

Yeah, well, I'm intending to have a big clear out next week.

Business is a bit quiet at the moment.

Quiet? I'd have said extinct.

When did you last have a customer?

Well, vintage bikes are a bit of a luxury, aren't they? And what with the

recession and everything.

Recession? You don't know the meaning of a word.

You should have been around when I was a child.

Silk kitchens, hunger marches, even nice people having to kill for things.

Yeah, well, it's three weeks, if you must know.

What is?

Since I last had a customer. All he needed was his tappets adjusted.

Yes, well, there could be other reasons.

Like what?

Malcolm, your behaviour of late does not actually inspire confidence.

I'm sure if I had a motorbike and its tappets were dripping... Dripping?

No, as good as the tappets do.

I would not feel inclined to entrust my precious machine to someone so patently

lacking in moral fibre.

Look, you were just tapping, so... What do you mean, lacking in moral fibre?

Well, it must be common knowledge by now that you've deserted your wife and gone

to live with a person in... Oh, over there.

Firstly, I did not desert her.

Separated quite amicably.

And secondly, nobody gives a damn where I live as long as I do the job properly.

Well, just where you're wrong.

People are not inclined to entrust delicate work, work upon which their

might ultimately depend, on someone who might be cracked.

Cracked?

Dopey.

Mother, what are you talking about?

Oh, Malcolm, it's obvious you don't read the papers.

It's not the right papers.

Inner city.

Inner what?

live. It's inner city.

Yeah, lots of people live inner city.

Ah, now you're being purposefully obtuse.

Nobody is going to entrust work to someone who lives in an area that has

plonkers on every corner.

Mother, I think you mean pushers.

And you know nothing.

Yeah, I do live in an inner city, along with lots of other ordinary people who

don't keep coal in the bath and are neither cracked nor doping.

Well, I know for a fact that's not true.

I've met Brenda's mother.

Two months ago, you were happy.

Yeah, I know.

In fact, we were worried about you. Mum thought you were ill.

OK.

David thought you'd had an accident.

Yeah, you told me. Bang on the head or something.

Yes, all right.

So now you're back to normal. No, I'm miserable.

Precisely.

Come on, I came here for a bit of support.

All right.

You know what this is all about, don't you?

How's Malcolm?

OK, I suppose.

Next time you see him, you'll ask him, eh?

Could do.

And that's what this is all about, isn't it, Brenda?

What do you mean?

Well, think about this.

Until he split with the ladyship, you two were meeting on the quiet, right?

not going to guess.

And everything was exciting and dangerous, and it added a bit of spice

life. And what made you such an expert?

I've been there, Brent. Sounds like you're planning a return visit.

We're talking about you.

And now that Spice is gone, and we're from there, he's got another woman.

Don't pretend you haven't noticed. I mean, it's all perfectly in it and all

that, but he's enjoying it, you can tell.

After all, put two bird brains together and what do you get?

Jim Davidson Fat Club.

Communication.

Sort of.

All right, Miss Proofstone, what's the answer?

You've got to move things along.

Men never really know what's good for them, so it's up to us to keep nudging

them in the right direction.

In fact, as a general rule in all relationships... Once a man starts to

himself... It's time for a nudge. Exactly.

You know, Pamela, some people might think you're a cynical old mare, but I

difference. Yeah, well, I've studied these things.

So really what you're saying, Marge, is that I should get him to pop the

question? Right.

And when he asks her, do you think Mum will say yes? Oh, friend.

Well, you do want to, don't you? Yeah.

I'll spend the rest of my life with someone whose idea of a fun evening is

sit in with half a lager and a packet of free -range chicken -flavoured crisps

reading back copies of his DIY magazine.

Yeah? What do you think?

Lager. What's up?

Where's mine?

It's not good for you. Look what it's done to him. Yeah, I'll stick to my gin.

What do you think?

Very pretty.

Leave both hands free.

For what?

Fix things in the dark.

Why don't you wait till the morning? Or just switch the light on?

Well, it might be an electrical fault. Everything's off at the mains. Or maybe

you're working in a dark corner or under the... The bedclothes. Floorboards.

I'm concentrating.

This is the final. With a teddy bear. You beat Malcolm.

Yeah, you switched it.

It was him.

Go and play in the kitchen. We've got to have a serious talk. Why, do you want

to talk about our hereditary diseases?

Go. What diseases?

We had the birds to strangle our younger brothers.

Ah, that's all right, then.

Right, Malc, let's talk.

It's OK. I know what you're going to say.

You do?

Yeah. I've noticed that you're not too happy lately and, well, I've been

pondering about it.

There's nothing better than a good ponder. Yeah.

You think that we, that's you and me, should spend more time together.

Well, don't force yourself.

And you're right.

But it's difficult because we're not synchronised. I work days, you work

evenings. Yes, I am aware of that, Malc. Yeah, but we've got to make the effort.

even if our jobs are out of sync.

Please don't say it. But he wants to work in a sink.

You've been storing that one up, haven't you? I thought of it in the work this

morning. So that's what your ponderings have come up with, is it? One infantile,

lousy joke?

No, that was just a sort of throwaway line. Well, you didn't throw it far

enough.

No, I mean it, Bren. We've got to arrange more time together.

Now, you're off again next Thursday, aren't you? Well, we can go

Yeah, cos there's something important I want to ask you.

Oh, and we haven't been for... Four months.

How long is that?

Oh, yeah, we went to Bardsey Island, didn't we? Well, you might have. I went

Seaforth. Yeah, that's right. Bardsey was... A year ago.

Look, will you stop rehearsing for Boar of the Month and tell me what these

great ponderings finally led to?

Well, at first I thought, I'll have the afternoon off, and then I thought, nah,

let's make it a whole day.

Well, just for me, what can I say?

Well... Business has been sort of slackish, and it does leave me time to

And it's too crowded here, and I was wondering if... Well, he's putting it

words, isn't it?

And, well, I was going to ask you to... Mark, leave it till Thursday, eh?

OK. I'm glad that's settled.

Is it?

Yeah. We're definitely going to see more of each other from now on. Is that why

you bought the light?

Oh, very good.

Actually, I didn't buy it.

You nipped it?

No, no, it's free.

You just have to get a friend to sign up for a year's subscription to Do It

Yourself magazine.

And who's the friend?

Malcolm! I put him back in your toolbox.

Mother, what's going to do?

Well, it's like Malcolm says. When you lot have left home, I'm going to have to

do these things for myself. I thought I'd have a practice.

Malcolm, you know you said you thought the bathroom radiator needed bleeding.

Well, I did what you said.

But all that came out was water.

Yeah, we're just about to leave.

And this is it, is it?

Well, I think a certain question will be asked.

And? I'll put him out of his misery.

About time.

Listen, you are all right about tonight, aren't you? Oh, yeah, no problem. We'll

be back.

After a day out in the open air, he won't care whose couch he falls asleep

Eight o 'clock, please, Brett.

Yes, all right.

Um, what's up with Ros?

Oh, didn't I say?

She's away for a few days around Peas Hill.

And we were looking forward to this. We'd already booked. It's OK.

There's no problem. In fact, it's quite nice to feel wanted again.

I've got to go. I'll see you there.

Eight prompt.

Yep. Ta -ra.

Do you want

me to do the shopping?

Oh, would you mind? Of course not.

We'll go together, eh, kids? Mum's got a busy day ahead.

Oh, thanks.

I've got a lot of phoning to do.

Bye.

Oh, thanks. We've been waiting for this.

My uncle died and left us his estate.

It's called the Isle of Wight.

Who was it?

Pardon? At the door.

Nobody. Or rather, somebody.

Who? He was lost. Wanted directions.

Oh, did he?

Brenda, give it to me.

Let's do some bird watching first.

The letter, it must be from Lucinda's solicitor, I suppose.

I know, Mark. Let's not let it spoil our day.

Brenda.

I'll let you drive.

Tonight?

Well, yes, I realise it's short notice, but you see, the thing is, if you don't

come, there won't be anyone who's actually on Malcolm's side.

Anyone truly on Malcolm's side would lock him away till he comes to his

Please come, Mrs Stoneway.

I'm sorry, but I've made no secret of the fact that I do not approve of this

liaison.

To come would be the ultimate hypocrisy. Well, I'm sorry to hear you say that.

You see, we had invited the bishops.

The bishops?

Yes. Of Liverpool?

Yes, they are from... And you know them?

Yes, we met them in church.

You amaze me.

Well, we've invited them and they've promised to pop in during the course

Both of them?

Probably. They do tend to do these things together.

I've noticed.

I suppose that's living your side of the water.

So are the police. They find it much safer to go around in pairs.

I don't think I want to use public transport. Shall I get David to come and

collect you? He has got a new BMW.

Has he?

Oh.

Well, I suppose... For Malcolm's sake.

I saw Jill Thompson the other day. Dead chuffed she was.

Oh. Her and Ted had been birding in Anglesey and they'd had a rock thrush.

Oh. A rock thrush in Clin -a -Lau.

Right.

They also saw two Martians on roller skates looking for a pub that's sold

unmeted lighters for you.

What?

Malcolm, I've just told you about one of the most fantastic sightings in the

history of our bird -watching club.

All you can do is act like the Pope at a Madonna concert.

Well, it's all rubbish, isn't it?

What is?

Martians in Anglesey.

Malcolm, I was telling you about Jill and Ted.

They'd had a very rare thrush.

Well, you can get a special cream.

But it's important that you both use it.

A rock thrush from Africa.

It's the first time one of those has been sighted this far north since 86,

is about the last time you made a sensible comment.

I'm sorry, Ben, I just can't concentrate.

Oh, we are takey.

It'll spoil our day, though, and now it will.

Thanks.

Well, go on, then. What are they to say?

We may as well both be miserable.

Unless, of course, you know of a cream that'll cure that and all.

And as you admit to no longer residing in Mel's, is my client to assume that

are now cohabiting at the above address?

You're telling me to sleep in the bath?

We acknowledge without prejudice details supplied regarding the capital value

and profitability of Stoneway Motors over the three -year period prior to the

separation.

In the light of same, on the view of the client's signature competition, we

require an interim settlement of £10 ,000.

To be paid in two equal instalments, the first at the end of this month and the

second one month hence.

10 ,000 quid? Listen to this. The balance of money is to be paid prior to

date of the decree in eyesight.

Unless this is delayed by your non -cooperation, in which instance my

will require a further instant payment of similar order. It's terrible to ask

him for half my business.

Well, that's all right.

You told me you made a loss of 50 quid last month.

Got to put 25 quid in the post.

She went to assist in the first place.

And we would talk it through and agreed, everything to go back the way it was.

She had the car and the flat and I had the workshop and the bike. We'd even

split the CDs.

Down the middle?

No, she got the Beatles collection, I got the best of Barry Manlow.

Right, she didn't need a solicitor.

Brian, what am I going to do?

Nothing. It's all a big bluff.

Just file all these letters with the bin men and get on with your life. Or

should I say our life?

That's easy to say.

Not for me it wasn't.

What? Nothing.

Mark? Yeah?

Is there something you wanted to talk about?

Yeah, well, with all this business, I'd completely forgotten.

So?

Well, I was thinking it's not really fair on your mum with us both living at

yours. And I mean, I know she lets me pay on alternate Thursdays when I take

to the supermarket, but I really should do something else.

I wondered if you had any idea what might be sort of, well, you know.

No, I don't know.

Uh, acceptable.

Acceptable?

Appropriate. And that was the big question, was it? Well, I don't want to

advantage of her.

And what about me?

Well, you can take advantage of her. She's your mother. I mean you taking...

never mind.

I must give her something.

Look, you're flat broke.

In debt, even.

Anywhere you're in, you keep doing jobs about the house.

Yeah, well, perhaps I should do more.

She leads such a busy life. There must be something I could take off her hands.

Yeah, perhaps there is.

Oh, what do you suggest? Me.

Yeah, you, what do you suggest?

Oh, my...

This is a complete waste of time. I'm going home.

I suppose I could help her with some ironing.

Still, I don't suppose she'd like the idea of a man handling a smalls.

I could put them to one side, I suppose.

I don't fancy owning Gerald's underpants, though.

Or his socks.

Where is everybody?

Well, I'm here.

I mean your mum and Gerald.

I guess bingo, chess club. I'm not saying who's at which.

So when are we going to be at Pam's?

Eight prom.

It's funny, isn't it?

How we were made redundant once they got Ros.

No more come round for a meal. The kids have been asking after you. And oh, if

you're not doing anything Friday.

Well, people move on. Only the rest of us do.

People's requirements alter.

I mean, who'd have thought the coffee mother's Christmas list would be two

-speed action hammer drill with personal massage attachments?

No, but that's what she's getting.

Mark? Yeah?

You know you said we should see more of each other?

Yeah.

Didn't you say you wanted a bath?

Oh, er... Yeah, OK.

Come out, then.

Right. It's your turn for the plug -in.

Hi. Hiya.

Not early, are we? No, just right.

And where's Malcolm?

He's just gone back to the bike. He's got something he wants to show you.

Ah, just a minute, Prince.

What's this?

Would you stay here?

With you?

Please. But, David, you've got a wife, two kids and a new -born nanny to

support. Just... Did you have a good day?

Not really, no.

He got a letter from her solicitor demanding a pound of flesh from his

Oh, here he is. Come on. Hey, David, I've got something I want to show you.

minute, Malcolm. No, it's brilliant. In a minute, Malcolm. It's great. Look at

this. Come through.

birthday? No.

Is it mine?

No. What's up, hasn't he? No, not yet. Come on.

Drinks, anybody?

Take that off.

Why, did it spoil the surprise?

No, because you haven't had it yet.

Look at me.

Hiya. Malcolm.

Yeah. Will you marry me?

What? You heard.

Marry you? Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Right, come on.

Who for? Us. Oh, what a great timing.

What?

The question has been popped. Well done, mate. Yeah, well, I've been planning it

for a while.

Congratulations.

Oh, I think you're very brave.

And a very good decorator. Thanks, Joyce.

Before you go, will you do something for me? Anything.

The hall, the living room and the kitchen.

I'll be sorry to see them go.

Will you?

No, not really.

But he is a good lad. He should be very proud.

Well, one does one's best to instruct in the niceties of civilised behaviour.

It is I fail to teach him discrimination.

Has he been in trouble with the police?

Oh,

Mr Lynch.

Oh, please, Mrs Stonway, call me David.

Oh, yes, well, David.

And may I call you Marjorie? After all, we're soon to be related, albeit by

marriage. It would seem so.

Though if you're aware of a just impediment, I'm prepared to pay.

Well, then, Marjorie, go on. Go and congratulate them.

Well, I suppose I could wish them every happiness, without specifying how they

might achieve it.

Yes, that'll do.

Now, there's just one thing, David.

Yes, Marjorie? I don't see any sign of your namesake.

Excuse me?

David Shepard.

Who? The bishop.

Your wife said he might be here.

Are you sure she didn't say the bishops?

Oh, yes, because I forget that a town as sinful as this needs two.

Marjorie, let me introduce you to the bishops.

This is Sally and John Bishop.

Would you say goodbye to everyone?

Only then would their eyes open.

Yeah, that's my mother, that. She gets carried away.

She forgets that most people are only human and can't put it away as much as

can.

Quite a day.

Wasn't it?

Do you like being engaged, Bren?

Well, it's growing on me. But I'm not planning on making a habit of it, not

you. I promise.

What? That this will be the last time.

Yeah, well, it better be. For your health's sake.

Bren? Yeah?

Tell me something.

What? The party, did you know?

No, honest.

Well, how did they?

It's our Pam.

She's got this incredible intuition.

And amazingly enough, nine times out of ten, she is completely wrong.

But not tonight?

No. The timing was a bit shaky, wasn't it?

Bren, tell me something else.

What, one of those stories that gets you all excited?

No.

What if I'd said no?

Oh, well, we'd still have had the party, but it would have been just for you.

Me? It would have been your week.

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