Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him bright.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I say now?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does he...

Morning, Joyce.

Oh, morning.

Breakfast? No, thanks.

Coffee. Oh, please.

Oh, it is nice.

What is?

Getting up to a laid table and the smell of coffee instead of last night's

tandoori takeaway.

Oh, er, in the jug?

Of course.

Milk in a jug.

Marvellous.

Just like Sherlock Holmes.

What time is it? Oh, I'm forgetting you gave it back to me, didn't you, in the

watch? Oh, it's tempest a bit with a scratch on it.

How is it?

Very well, thank you. You?

No, the clasp. Oh, fine, thanks.

You do fall many little things off again.

Hey, well, it's the big thing this weekend.

Yeah, that's right it is. What is it again?

My room.

Right. Any special requirement?

Yeah, the wallpaper.

No more Thompson tank engines. Oh, you've changed.

You locked it when you were three.

Yeah, well, don't worry. We'll think of something.

Hey, you're up early.

That's him.

Oh, him. Yeah, I recognise him now.

What are you on about?

Well, never see you, do I? At least not in the light.

I was wondering what you look like these days. You know, have you grown a beard

or anything?

Either of you.

Bren, that's not my... I don't want to be late.

Oh, right, yeah.

I can drop you a bit nearer if I go the far side of the precinct.

Oh, fine.

Right, see you then. Call again sometime.

Be fair, Bren.

You can't expect me to be around when you're not. You're not around when I am.

After all, you're the one who doesn't work the sort of hours that normal

work. Not that you're not normal. I mean, you're the most normal person

Thanks. Oh, you're normal as well.

We're all normal here, aren't we?

Are you sure about that?

Just trying it for size.

His side can't leak.

He's had some of the milk off the fridge.

It's in there.

After you.

What's up with the jug? He used it yesterday.

Just changed the water in my fish tank.

I washed it out first, honest.

Right, Giles, yes, yes. I'll see you at about 11.

Yes, terrific.

Move your feet.

Now what's the problem? She'll be here in an hour.

Pamela, we are assessing her, not the other way round.

Let us see the place the way it normally is. She'll walk straight out.

Sit down.

Come on.

Stop fussing.

You're just not used to handling prospective employees, are you? So when

arrives, you just show her around. I'll get back as soon as I can, and we'll

interview her together.

Well, I don't see why. The agency said she'd be ideal.

Well, they would, wouldn't they? But she might not be.

Subtle and skilful questioning will allow us to find out.

Now, you think of what you want in a nanny.

Right. OK? Yes.

So what's the first thing you'll ask her?

When can you start?

Brilliant. I think I'd better ask the questions.

Actually, it's not a bad idea to turn down the first one they send,

Why? Good psychology.

Shows the agency you're not easily satisfied.

Makes matters such as wage rates and conditions of service that much easier

negotiate. And is that how you run your business?

Of course.

Oh, you creep.

All this time I've been married to a bloodsucker and I never even knew it.

Anyway, it's got very little to do with us. If the kids like her, she'll do.

Don't be ridiculous, Pam. You can't expect a preschool child to make a

considered assessment.

I mean, they'll be taken in by anyone with a warm smile and a pretty face.

It makes better sense than always turning the first one down to show the

who's boss.

Hello? Hi, it's me.

Oh, hi. Is Pam there? Yes.

Guess who?

Hiya, Bram. Hiya. You busy?

No. I'm just getting a lesson in personnel management from Ebenezer

here. I can fancy the chat.

Oh, I tell you what, I'll ring you back, save Mum's phone bill.

What about ours?

What about ours?

I'll take it out of the housekeeping.

You'll what?

Well, I might one day.

Now, when you meet her, don't be taken in.

That could be references to check that she's not in a union or a guardian

reader. OK?

Right.

See you later.

You see, the thing is, I work evenings and he works all day. So what about the

weekends? Well, Gerald's away, so they're redecorating his room.

They? Yeah, me mum and him. I've opted out.

Well, you've got to think positively, Brad. If he's handy round the place,

it's a bonus.

Oh, cack -handed, Claudia. You'd have to get a man in to adjust his dress.

Yeah, well, at least you see him. Me mum sees more of Malcolm than I do.

OK, then, so what about lunch?

Yeah, all right, I'll come round about 12.

Not you and me.

You and him. No, you and him.

What's that? You and Malcolm. He's lots of busy these days. Let him treat you.

Yeah, suppose I could. We're mad for all things Italian, be it interior design

or pasta.

Oh, very nice.

A can of letter?

Yeah. I'm afraid it's nothing original. No, I thought not.

Actually, my husband got it with petrol coupons.

We could have had a kitchen roll dispenser, but we prefer to be cultured.

Oh, this sounds like my husband. Now, would you mind taking them back up to

nursery? No, of course not. There you go.

What's this?

Right, you go up to Deb.

Hi. Is she here? Yeah, she's very nice, and the kids took to a straightaway.

Yeah, let's not get carried away.

Right, should I make coffee?

No, let's keep it businesslike.

Tell her to come through. Right.

My husband.

Hello, Mr Lynch.

Hello.

Please call me David.

I sit here? Yes.

So, what can I tell you?

When can you start?

What are you doing at the moment?

She's sat looking at a mesmerised codfish.

I'm at John Moore's.

Oh, Mum used to work there. Are you pools or catalogues? John Moore's

University. Oh, you're a student.

I'm doing a doctorate, actually.

Oh, right.

Well, our Velda's been rubbing her left cheek. Now, the clinic... What subject

are you... Cosmology. I've done the work, just starting to write up my

Right. Something interesting?

Asymmetric irregularities in the red shift.

Don't tell me. Something to do with dressmaking.

It's a branch of astronomy.

Oh, right.

I'm a Sagittarius.

Is there anything you'd like to ask me?

Not really.

I like the room and their lovely children.

Oh, terms as per the agency agreement, I assume. Of course.

So I'll move in tomorrow, if that suits.

Excellent. Pam says the kids took to you right away.

And after all, that's all that really matters.

Mother. Ah, remember me, do you?

Look, I've already told you. If you can't be pleasant to Brenda, I'm not

round to your place anymore.

What are you doing?

Malcolm, your treatment to me might have bordered on the heinous these last few

months.

But, Mother, I'm bound to be magnanimous.

I simply cannot stand by whilst my only offspring... withers away on a diet of

stale bread and gristle.

What is this?

Lunch. Mother, you can't do this. You must stop trying to run my life.

I'm not trying to run it, Malcolm.

I'm trying to save it.

Now, wash your hands and come to the table. There's Keats' breakfast here.

I knew he did.

I intend to.

I just don't believe this.

You thought I'd forgotten, didn't you?

What about the serviettes?

No, Mother, I was only joking.

I guess so.

You wash your hands.

There's no need.

You'll not touch my cutlery with hands like that.

We don't need to.

What?

Brenda... Don't act so surprised.

What? She's wrong here, hasn't she?

Who? Me interfering sister.

Pam hasn't wrong here.

You lie.

I wouldn't know we're hard up and everything, but we could have had a pub

or something.

Could we?

What are you like?

Still, I suppose you're meant well.

We're all meant to be saving up, aren't we?

But, Brenda, this wasn't my idea.

She does interfere, and I've told her she shouldn't, especially between me and

you, but...

She just goes out and does things.

Yeah, well, she's always been a bit on the bossy side. But to be fair, this

I did ring her.

I know what we're missing.

A serviette, yeah.

No, a bottle.

Turn to Brett and tell him.

It's all right. I'll pay.

Just a few minutes.

I was hungry.

I'm not surprised.

Uh -uh.

What's the rush?

Where are you going?

Ice cream.

What? Ice cream for sweet.

Why do I need a rhubarb pie?

Oh, is that the wine?

No, specimen from an elephant.

Right, you just wait here. I'll get the bag.

What about lunch?

There's a slug in the salad.

I don't eat much.

Where did you get that from?

A friend.

I mean, an elephant.

What? I mean, a customer.

Customer?

Yeah, I must go. He's broken down. I need the business.

Well, how do you know he's broken down? Nobody rang.

He sent a postcard.

Oh, don't be so stupid, Malcolm. Where are you going?

Um, Blackie's.

I'll explain later, I think.

Of course, a bit of steam stripper. This'll be a piece of cake.

Do you think I've made this paste too thick?

I think I'll be right.

Hey, do you fancy a drink? No, Malcolm, this is serious.

You could make a cup of tea, though.

Yeah, that's what I meant, actually.

We'll nip out later when we've finished.

There will be time, won't there?

Oh, yeah. Well, his train isn't in till ten, is it?

Now, you know, I think it's got to go across here.

It needs to be into solid brick because there'll be considerable tensile strain

at the supports.

Oh, there's bound to be. I've got the roll bolts.

Must be the change of water.

Oh, you're making tea?

I'm making a cup of tea.

You on this evening?

Yes.

What about Eats?

Eats? Well, I thought we might stop for a bite. I'm going to Pam's.

Oh, Brenda, I did explain.

Eventually. It's not my fault.

Oh, so it's mine, is it?

I'm not saying that. I mean, well, she came and then you came. Then you went

for... And she went for... And I thought you'd... But you didn't, so what could

I do?

You could have been straightforward and honest and told me exactly what

happened. And would you have understood?

No. Well, there you are, then.

I can never... Understand how a grown man can let himself be pushed around by

bossy woman. Pass us the milk. Sorry.

It's not like you say, Brenda.

I can be quite firm when I want to be. In fact, I can be very firm.

Malcolm, have you got that tea? Yeah, just coming.

Hi, Brent. Come in.

Pam's upstairs.

You're taking in laundry now?

Jumble sale at the church hall. We're having a good clear out.

Do you want to have a look through before we take it?

No, it's all right. I'll struggle along in the rags I'm wearing.

Good stuff.

Her dress is here she's hardly ever worn.

I don't think I've ever seen her in this one. Have you?

Not since you left the circus, no.

Hiya, Brent.

We're having a clear out. Hello here. I'm being quite ruthless.

I mean, it's all top quality, but there are limits to what one's wardrobe can

accommodate.

Indupitably. So, if there's anything you'd like... Oh, I haven't asked. When

you taking it? Tomorrow afternoon.

Right. Well, if I wake up in the morning six inches taller and twice as wide,

I'll give you the call.

Brenda, a little dexterity with needle, thread and scissors is all that's called

for. And anyway, I was a 14 then.

Stone? A size 14.

You're in the other bag, aren't you? What? The tent poles.

Oh, are you? Have you come round to... Johnny! Johnny!

Oh, Pam.

You're not throwing this one out, are you?

It's my favourite.

David,

we are being ruthless.

You don't remember, then?

The rotary spring ball.

How about cutting out of a washing machine?

We stopped on the way home. Thornton Woods.

You said, let's pretend we're not married. Yeah. So we did.

And you haven't worn it since.

Otherwise you'd have noticed.

Oh, grass stains. Oh, come on!

My wardrobe next.

I'm going to jump off it.

What? You can tell me until we get you married again. I'll keep an eye on the

kids. Oh, they're out?

Out? Gone to the park.

I think I'm going to have to report you two. I mean, being naughty in the woods

is one thing, but letting two under fours out on their own... Who's Roz?

Next door's Rockweiler.

That's Roxy.

Roz is our nanny.

Oh, I see.

Was there something in particular you wanted, Brennan, with her just a chat?

No, nothing in particular.

Well, I tell you what, you go through and make some tea and we'll be down in

minutes. How slow and up is he?

What? I don't know.

It's all right, they've got to be on at five.

All right, I mean, you could stay for dinner, only we're eating later, now

got Ros.

No, don't worry, I'll pick up a pizza. On your way in?

No, I dropped one on the floor this morning.

Bye.

Do you want to see if it still fits?

We certainly have. You know, I never thought I'd see the day when one night I

had a fancy afternoon doing what we'd been doing since early morning for two

days.

I don't know what you mean.

You're the only one who's up.

Would you soon as sit down?

In what?

Well, there's a table over there. You have that down on the chair?

Yeah, I'll make a change.

No, you're OK.

You can't go throwing your money about. We'll have to be saving up.

who likes it. Oh, he'll love it. Who?

Gerald, his room. Oh, he's bouncing.

And even if he doesn't, he's bound to feel the need to make a gesture of

and leave.

Hi, Brad.

A pint, and what's yours, darling?

Oh, darling, I've only got one pair of hands.

Sorry. It's not your birthday, is it? It better not be. All

right, what is it?

Hey,

look who's over there.

Bring Mother Brenda.

What's all the dinner?

Hiya, come and join us.

Name again, please.

Don't miss the trick, do you, Mum?

You look happy.

Well, it's nice to be able to knit out for the last hour, isn't it?

Just like old times.

Welcome to work. Your two favourite grandchildren now have their own nanny.

Pamela, don't say that word.

What now?

Grandchildren.

Say it again, Joyce.

What do you like?

Joyce? No, the nanny.

She's very nice.

Did you get her through an agency?

David conducted a meticulous examination of her credentials, didn't you, love?

Yes, well, he could tell.

Yes, he wasn't taken in by a warm smile and a pretty face. No, he looked a

straight... What was your first question, love?

When can you start?

So, she's OK, is she? She's great. Yeah, the kids took her right away.

Which doesn't count, because you can't expect a preschool child to make a bit

a session.

She's a doctor.

Well, she's going to be. Doing a PhD.

She says her job suits her, because she can work in the evenings.

She's writing a piece on the stars.

She'll need a very long pen.

Yeah, Brian, have one yourself.

Shall I get another round in?

Oh, there. Hey, not me, thanks. I've got to pick Gerald up from the station in

half an hour. Oh, Dave, you'll do that, won't you?

Pardon? Well, you'll throw me in, so you won't be having another drink after

that one. So you may as well pick Gerald up and run into Alan, and we'll meet

you back there after closing time.

Same again, Brenda, love, except for the driver.

It's all right. You don't mind?

Well, I suppose it'll save me a few quid.

Pablo, I think it's your round.

Right, I think it is. David, leave us your wallet.

Oh!

On the ropes there, on the ropes. My interview with Susan Atkins. Susan,

been boxing for years.

Yes.

I've recognised the place, Pamela. We can close that door now that we never

could because it wouldn't open and we had to put Gerald through the window.

And we don't have to hit the kettle plug or use your nutcrackers. And it's all

thanks to him.

And he's still saying he never did the drain.

Hiya, baby.

Did you meet them OK?

Yes.

Where is he? He went straight up. He was shattered.

Why didn't you go with him?

Oh, I should have. He's a big lad.

I thought there'd been a reaction.

To what?

Come and see.

Gerald!

Gerald!

Gerald! Are you asleep?

Yes.

We've just come in to say goodnight. Goodnight.

Do you like it?

Great. Pity they don't have them in the Navy anymore. They'll probably join.